Love that BTW. Makes me feel better suited to be a witch. HAHAHA! Very cute! I love it.

Chapter 2: Natural vs. Unnatural Birth

We have heard much discussion of late regarding the Muggle trend toward "natural" birthing techniques, and the possibility of a Wizarding alternative. You very well might ask, "But my dear Nanny Croydon! What is natural birth?"

Very succinctly, we suspect the Muggles and their loony science men have developed a way to birth an infant without the need of a mother. For indeed, witches are creatures of nature and any offspring they produce must therefore be called 'natural'. What could be more natural than birth?

And as for this odd trend to abhor medicinal plants and potions that would ease the pains of labor, we say this to you future mothers: do not be stark idiots. Take the potion.

Best part Love your story!!

Awww, thanks so much to Droo and to DeathEater1... I appreciate your reading and commenting. Let me know if you'd like to see a specific chapter topic in the future.

Chapter 3: Wizards and the Birthing Room

In our many years as a nanny, myriad young couple ask about the father's role during the birth of his child. They are under the deluded opinion that both mother and father should participate in this process, as if it is some sort of bonding experience as a couple and new parents.

Frankly, this opinion is entirely pish-posh. Wizards are notoriously fragile of constitution and simply do not have the mental and physical fortitude necessary to provide adequate support in the birthing chamber. Far better for the mother to rely on herself, her trusted midwife, and perhaps her mother or suitable house elf; the father can remain outside the room and congratulate himself on supporting the birth from afar.

Once the necessary is accomplished, he may be invited back into the room, never to know the trauma he avoided. Imagine the difficulty of having to attend to his needs even as the new baby is being born. The father is very likely to be completely scarred for life, and he may never develop a proper relationship with his child after having such dramatics thrust upon his delicate nature.

If the father insists on being present, do give him something practical to do so that his mind may not wander to the situation at hand. Commonly, I have heard of midwives who advise husbands to do unimportant tasks such as boiling of water and collecting of towels, all in the name of keeping the Wizard away from the birthing chamber. Once again, selection of a trained midwife can have far-reaching repercussions.

i wish their were like midwifes for charries it'll be cool for scarlett

There are, actually! I know I have a midwife character, and I know a few others who do as well.

Chapter 4: Nappies

There is perhaps nothing so disgusting, and yet so necessary, as the diaper. Infants come into the world remarkably ill-equipped to handle most of the daily stresses required of them; indeed, we find that infants typically have no skill at participating actively in society and must be trained in all things. Use of the toilet is one of these. Without the diaper, infants would simply be unbearable in mingled company.

However, there is much to consider in the purchase and use of nappies for your bundle of poo-creation. Many young witches with Muggle forebears ask us about disposable diapers. We have determined these sorts of products are completely unnecessary. Why add smelly refuse to your wastebaskets when a flick of your wand can make things sweet smelling for at least a few minutes? Washing charms and simple banishing spells mean that no infant need stay dirty for long, and even the most hopeless of homemakers can manage these easy spells when properly motivated by all that poo.

Recent technology has led us to the self-cleaning nappy. While this diaper is quite useful, much research should go into the selection of a brand. Most of these products have colorful names such as "Poop Poofers" or "Deedee Dewitt's Dynamic Depoopifying Diapers", but all nappies are not created equal. Indeed, we have heard some rumor that the self-cleansing charm, if it works too strongly and while still on the child, can create quite the worse case of diaper rash your infant will ever know. And a screaming baby with a red bum is worse than a mountain of poopy pants.

Oh, Ern! *giggles* This is waaaay awesome. I laughed soooo hard, I really did.

L-O-L nappies. I love all these chapters, Ern-la, you know I do! I just didn't know I could comment here!!

Do something on pram selection, if you would. Also, bottles? How to use one? How to warm? Etc.

Quote:

Originally Posted by iceblossom22

Oh, Ern! *giggles* This is waaaay awesome. I laughed soooo hard, I really did.

Aw, thanks, honey! I like Nanny's voice. She's so... something. She IS something.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BanaBatGirl

L-O-L nappies. I love all these chapters, Ern-la, you know I do! I just didn't know I could comment here!!

Do something on pram selection, if you would. Also, bottles? How to use one? How to warm? Etc.

For you, Ro-wa, I'm doing a chapter on pram selection. Hope it works out for Bunz (or whoever else is having babies these days).

Chapter 5: Pram Selection

Once the baby is old enough to be allowed in public spaces, it is up to the parent to determine how best this transportation should happen. We generally discourage parents from allowing their offspring into the public sphere until they are old enough to understand the societal expectations for being silent unless called upon to entertain with gurgles, giggles, or short and informative answers when presented with specific questions. Of course, generally, these stipulations mean a child isn't acceptable company until at least 5 or 6 years of age, but those parents who haven't the resources or gumption to find a nanny, nor the foresight to hire a babysitter, will be required to travel with their children.

Muggles are very fond of the pram, or the more vulgar term stroller. Indeed, Muggle parents can spend upwards of several months' wages in trying to buy the most technologically advanced or stylish pram, often in a misguided attempt to transport their infant around in a more expensive pram than their neighbors. In our opinion, this expenditure is a waste of money, not only because babies soon turn into toddlers who no longer require the pram, but also because parents in the Wizarding world do not require Muggle technology in order to transport their children from place to place. In simplest terms, a witch with a wand could levitate her child through a crowded room with greater ease than any expensive Muggle contraption. We have been informed that levitation as a form of infant transportation is no longer condoned by the Ministry, but we use this example to indicate that Muggle technology is certainly no more impressive than magical ingenuity.

Still, if it is a pram you want, then there is no amount of sense on our part that will talk you out of that waste of money. There are several key factors to consider in pram selection, which we shall illuminate for you now. Let us caveat this list with the clear reminder that prams are a Muggle device, and use of a pram is admittance on the part of the parent that they believe Muggles are better parents than witches and wizards.

First, the wheels. The pram ought to have at least four wheels, as any less will cause a significant lean that may dump your infant onto the ground. A good bouncing charm on the diaper or a sticking charm to the cushion should prevent this dilemma, but such magic is unnecessary so long as the pram has four wheels. We do not excel at Muggle mechanics, but our belief is that the more wheels a pram has, the more secure. If four wheels are good, eight are better, and the discriminating witch will buy a pram with at least sixteen.

Second, the handle. In order to maneuver your little tyke through a crowded space, it is vital that your pram have something with which you can grab hold and steer. Should you happen upon a pram that is desirable in every other way, excepting for the handle, a rudimentary replacement would be easily magicked up by a talented witch or wizard. In fact, if one should require a handle, an old racing broom might be an excellent option, not only because it typically comes already charmed for grip and stability, but also because you may choose to remove the wheels altogether and float your baby at a height that is comfortable for you.

Third, the cushioning. We are never ones to believe that pampering an infant will lead to any good, and excessive cushioning in a pram could develop in your child a habit towards sloth and laziness. However, due to the nature of wheels and the preponderance of bumps and sidewalk cracks, there is a requirement for at least basic cushioning within your pram. Should you be forced to decide between ruining a child for the future or current head trauma, picture your child for the next elevent to twenty-five years and see which character flaw you are more willing to accept.

Finally, the materials. Although obviously not a flaw in our learning, we have no understanding of Muggle materials. Plastic, rubber, nylon, teflon, they're all the same to us. Perhaps a better test in determining the durability, sustainability, and aesthetics of your pram would be in testing each of those functions prior to purchase. Durability and sustainability are easily tested by throwing the pram from a great height, or, if the situation permits, testing the pram with blasting charms. Our feeling is that a pram should withstand any blasting charm up to a level 3. Beyond that is unnecessary, unless your child happens to be the next Chosen One. Aesthetics are more difficult to gauge, as they are determined by the individual witch or wizard. Buy only that which will appeal to you for as long as it takes your Gringott's account to recover from the shock, as you will spend more on this pram than on a new racing broom.

Our feeling is that you should spend it on a racing broom instead.

Chapter 6: Sleeping Through the Night

Many fine young parents bring this common worry to our door: when will I be able to sleep through the night again?

Surely such a view shows a distinct selfishness on the part of said parents. If you were so blasted concerned with getting your required beauty sleep each night, why have children? It shows a certain lack of planning, or perhaps the idea that an infant is something like a small crup to be put out whenever it makes too much racket for sleeping.

Please, parents, we beg of you. Do not put your children out if they cry too loudly at night. They so often crawl away or get taken by wolves.

Instead, resign yourselves to the fact that you won't get another good night's sleep for the next 11 years, until you are able to ship your child off to school and let their tiresome ways become the problem of a professional staff. For those unfortunate enough to have naughty children, you may not sleep again until your child moves out completely and buckles down in a career. And if that naughty child is also a no-good free-loader who intends to move home after Hogwarts, well, you will never sleep again. You have our deepest sympathy.

Of course, the discerning parents may have already seen the answer to children sleeping through the night. Hire a nanny.

Chapter 7: Babysitters

At some point, the new parent will discover that they can, and should, leave the house without their infant. Although we have equipped parents to travel with their child in the utmost comfort and style, a baby is not a fashion accessory and simply should not accompany an adult to every place in which they wish to go. At those times in which a parent must abandon his or her child to the care of another, the careful selection of the right babysitter becomes essential.

Selection of a babysitter is not nearly the arduous task that selection of a nanny is. Nor should it be; the babysitter acts as the parent for a few hours at a time and may be replaced at a moment’s notice, while the nanny is a supplementary parent for days or weeks and should be as a family member to you. Still, finding a good and trustworthy babysitter is paramount - not only are you permitting someone access to your child, you are permitting them access to your home. Do not think for a moment that the babysitter you hire will not ruffle through mail, open drawers, and sniff through closets, and you should choose someone accordingly. Your babysitter will snoop, so you must hire someone that either already knows your secrets, does not care about your secrets, or whom you yourself know secrets about.

There are a variety of candidates available to you during the babysitter selection process. Perhaps the most obvious choice is a grandparent, but it is our feeling that these elderly family members have paid their dues. Their good nature should not be taken advantage of; at this point in their lives, they have managed to rid themselves of children entirely after years of sleepless nights, snotty noses, and dirty bottoms. It is excessively cruel to reintroduce the noise and chaos of infancy into their lives. Many a good grandparents has insisted that they would be delighted to watch your wee one for a few hours, but you must resist. These poor souls have obviously been driven to mad exhaustion by old age and repeated exposure to young children and cannot be trusted to know their own minds.

Many parents will leave their children in the care of a young person in their acquaintance. These teenage girls and boys seem to be ideal candidates due to their youthful enthusiasm and willingness to accept a pittance in payment for services rendered. While they are much more likely to raid your icebox than ransack your closets, it bears acknowledgement that these young people enjoy babysitting because they are under the misapprehension that babies are cute and that the work is fun. At the first sign of a dirty nappy or encounter with strained peas, the young person will disappear completely from your life until she becomes a parent herself and wants all your old baby clothes. If one is seeking temporary care, such a candidate is ideal. For a lasting relationship with your child and a person you can get cheap labor from for years to come, look elsewhere.

We will not even entertain the idea of asking your friends to help care for the infant. If your friends stay home with your baby, who will you go out with? And more to the point, how long will they remain your friends?

No, the discriminating parent will look to his or her neighbors for help. Keep a careful eye on those who offer assistance, especially those neighbors who have children already (for experience) but whose children are too old to require recipricol care (so you will not be called upon to babysit in return). These charming specimans will often offer to watch your child for free, although you may be required to offer baked goods in exchange from time to time.