Chapter One - Public Transportation: It isn't Alchemy!
Chapter by Armen Recard

As an employee of the Department of Magical Transportation for the past twelve years and Department Head of the same for nearly six years I am more than qualified to help teach you the basic principles of trying to fit in with Muggles when travelling domestically or even internationally through the use of Public Transportation. There is really no difference between our transportation and theirs just that ours is better and faster by tenfold. So come along, put your broomsticks away, shelf the Portkey and your floo powder, and put on your Muggle clothes because Armen Recard will be showing you in this short but concise chapter how to travel like a Muggle.

The Three Steps:
As you already know, as I have mentioned it above and the fact that you’ve most likely traveled by magic for most of your life or you wouldn’t have purchased this book, magical means of transport are usually much quicker, cleaner, and simpler to use—but they are not always an option due to the International Statue of Secrecy. This Statute, enacted in 1692 by the International Confederation of Wizards to help keep the Magical and Mundane worlds separate, states that ‘when a witch or wizard travels they must do so with all the care and concern of maintaining secrecy for their magical brethren and in doing so adapt to Muggle ways when magical transport is not available or if used would break any clause of the International Statute of Secrecy…’ Clause 12. With that being said, it seems pretty obvious right? Travel like a Muggle if you think your actions will risk showing yourself as a Witch or Wizard and landing you in a Wizengamot hearing and possibly Azkaban. Come on now we aren’t Trolls!

For the purpose of this book I have come up with three steps that will ensure you won’t compromise your true identity to non-magical folk as well as arrive to your destination on time and with time to spare. If you follow them I can assure you won’t have any problems. {{Please note I personally won’t and will not be held responsible for any breaches of the International Statute of Secrecy made by those who’ve read this book and/or cannot be held liable in a court of law.}}

• Step One (Prepare, Prepare, Prepare!) – Whether your trip consists of a quick journey through the city to work or a family vacation to Italy for the week it is extremely important to plan each and every step of the journey. One of the biggest things you need to worry about is your dress. Pick something that you’ve seen Muggles wear before such as a suit or a dress for work occasions but if in doubt just wear trousers with a nice shirt. If you are overly nervous about this take a few minutes and watch the street from your window to see what Muggles are wearing to gain some inspiration. It’s not that hard. Anything labeled or resembling bathing suits, underclothes, or Halloween costumes do not qualify as good travelling clothes.

Another thing one must do when preparing to travel the Muggle way is to be sure to have the correct currency and amount of it. When using public transport such as buses or the Underground trains known as Subway Trains, it is smart to invest in a metro card or some sort of prepaid type card or token that will gain you entry without having to fuss with Muggle money. I highly recommend this choice and to get one of these just ask someone how to get to your local bus or Underground station and simply inquire for a token. It would be best to have at least 50£ just in case, it’s hard to tell how much money you’ll need. For international travel you will need to go to the Ministry of Magic to either change your money into British pounds and then have them change it to the proper currency for whatever country you are visiting at the airport when you arrive or proceed to the Ministry of Magic’s Department of International Cooperation who should be able to do all of that in one simple step.

Arriving early is a must! If you are not familiar with the bus or underground schedule there is no telling when you will need to catch whatever bus or train you need, so if you show up early you can wait for the correct train without being rushed. In the event you are going international or have a very long commute, flying at an airport gives you more information on the time of your departure but getting there can still require the early arrival. This waiting also gives you further opportunity to Muggle watch, picking up ideas on how to dress, topics to talk about in order to fit in better, and ponder Muggle inventions such as the telephone, street lights and automobiles.

• Step Two (Stay Cool, They Will Accept You) – When you are in the process of travelling by Muggle means just act natural—like a Muggle. Keep your wand hidden and instead bring along a book to hold your interest or a magazine. Be sure that whatever reading material you bring is mundane or at least won’t bring attention to yourself as being magical. (The Daily Prophet, Witch Weekly, and unfortunately, this book, are not good choices UNLESS they are re-covered to look like something else.) If you aren’t a reader and feel capable, you can make small talk with those around you but please don’t do this unless you think you are ready; if you haven’t been around Muggles a lot before now, I recommend just reading a book.

• Step Three (Second Verse, Same as the First!) – On your return trip, don’t freak out just do what you did to get there. It’s not Alchemy or anything. Repeat steps one and two and you will be fine.

Would you look at that? You’re a Muggle Public Transportation pro and it barely took anytime at all! Good job and you’re welcome. I am more than happy to have shared my expertise and wisdom with you and I hope you won’t ever again shy away from an activity just because you don’t think you can take on Muggle Transportation.

Chapter Two
How to Use a Vending Machine
by Duncan Fletcher, Expert on All Things (Magical OR Muggle)

First off, let me tell you that I am an expert on getting what I want... from vending machines. I am also an expert at eating food. So if you need help on these two topics, which are clearly related, then you'd best pay attention and stop ogling that woman's handbag over there. She has no cash. I already checked.

Anyway, on to the subject matter. If you don't know what a vending machine is, then I'm not really sure why you're reading this book. Are you sure you aren't a troll? Vending machines are the Muggle version of leftovers, only they're fresh and already packaged and they cost more money than opening your refrigerator door and making yourself a sandwich.

So why do Muggles have vending machines? They either a) forgot to bring a lunch b) need a snack c) have an addiction to junk food d) have realized the awesomeness that is packaged food available at your fingertips or e) all of the above.

Vending machines can make the Muggles a lot of money, especially when they break and continue eating your coins without giving you your food. They can also make or break your day for the very same reason. I'm not entirely sure how/why they work (I'm not an eckeltrishan, duh) but I know enough to give you, the troll reading this book, a basic rundown.

Now if you look at the left side of the vending machine, you'll see the food choices, all labeled with a letter and a number (probably) that correspond (usually) to the keypad on the right. To get started, you must first insert your coins (see the chapter on currency about this) on the right of the vending machine. You'll see that there's a slot on the right where you put in the money, and one you've put in enough, you get to pick the button that matches up with your food choice.

MAKE SURE YOU READ THE BUTTONS CAREFULLY. Once you pick one, there is NO going back. No cheating and no using wands to trick the machine either. You'd probably just break the thing anyway. If the machine works, it'll do this thing where it spits out your food into the little tray at the bottom. I can't explain this process much more than that, cos like I said, I'm not an eceltrishan. But basically, the food is all stuck up inside this coil mabob, and the pushing of the button releases the coil mabob, so it springs forward and BAM! There's your Cheetos.

BUT, if the vending machine does NOT work, you're going to have to resort to Muggle dueling. This is where I come in, as I am both an expert Muggle AND vending machine dueler. So to duel a machine, you have a few options: a) the shoulder shove b) the krazy kick c) the old one-two d) the whiner or e) all of the above.

I'd start with the dueling in that order. First you're gonna wanna do the shoulder shove, which is pretty self-explanatory: all you have to do is ram the vending machine with your shoulder til the food shakes loose. Just do it like you're a linebacker protecting your--- oh nevermind.

If that doesn't work, move on to the krazy kick. The krazy kick is a ninja-like move which requires you to kick the krazy out of the vending machine. Be careful you don't injure your toes and/or break the glass on the vending machine during this stunt. The most effective kicks occur at the bottom of the machine, but if this also fails, you gotta try the old one-twoer.

To give someone the old 'one-two' is to punch them repeatedly, first with your left fist (one) and then with your right (two). So do that to the machine. Do NOT tuck your thumbs into your fists either, ladies. I saw you trying to bust a vending machine with your girly punch. Pathetic.

Anyway, if all this fails, do the whiner. The whiner is when you whine to whoever owns the vending machine, the office the vending machine is in, the manager of the office the vending machine is in, or the owner of the vending machine company. You might have to use a fellytone to contact these Muggles, but trust me, a lifetime supply of Chex Mix and/or your money back is worth the hassle.

Now, one way or another, you have a lighter pocket and possibly even a full stomach. That, my friends and trolls, is how to use a vending machine. See now why you should have packed your lunch? You've just used up your whole break reading this ridiculous chapter!

Chapter 3 – Living the Muggle Life
By Simon Bennett, Auror

With the statute against revealing magic to muggles in place, one has to be careful when one is within the muggle world. When living around muggles, it is even more important to be wary of your actions. One wouldn’t want to get in trouble with the MLE for the simple action of unlocking the apartment door with a flick of the wand and a spell in front of a neighbor, rather than relying on the more muggle option of using a key.

First things first, never…NEVER use your wand outside the walls of your apartment or home. Only extreme circumstances of danger provide a true reason to risk that type of exposure. If you feel you must use magic, such as the aforementioned security, there are simple spells that even the less experienced witches and wizards can manage wandless.

Home Life

Even inside the home, there are things to consider, especially if your home is at eye level through windows. Take precautions of what might be seen by the casual passerby. Needles knitting on their own or possessions cleaning themselves up off the floor might just lead to a lot of awkward explaining. If possible, charm your windows in such a way to only make what you want to be seen from the outside visible.

Visitors to your home add another level to the situation. This could be both fellow wizards and witches, as well as those of the muggle variety. In the case of magical friends and acquaintances, those with little experience in the muggle world would be advised to keep their interaction with the outside as minimal as possible. Some witches and wizards are just not comfortable or befitting within this environment, causing a scene with their behavior originally meant to compensate for their lack of experience.

In the case of visiting muggles, two questions need to be asked: are you a hermit who travels everywhere outside your home by floo or apparition and never see any of your neighbors unless they happened to come to your door and knock? Or are you friendly and truly live among muggles, even to the point of inviting them into your home? If you answered the latter, you need to be aware of what is exposed at times, especially if subject to the sudden visitation of a friendly, curious neighbor.

Pets

On the subject of pets, it goes without saying to keep your creatures either muggle, like cats dogs, birds and reptiles, or the more mundane magical ones, like crups, kneazles and jobberknolls. There is also the option of using a disillusionment charm on a more suspicious creature, although there are complications to be considered. These include, but are not limited to, having to worry about losing them once you can no longer see them and being seen as weird reacting to a seemingly empty space.

Currency and Business

Another thing to consider is how to pay for things. Muggle world means muggle currency, rather than the coins you find in Gringotts. You would need some general knowledge at least on the various currencies that you would encounter in the Muggle world. These include such monies as the British pound, the American dollar and the Euro that is common amongst the various countries of the mainland continent. Sound a little confusing so far? And that’s just the main paper money, and not the coins, that are included in the mix. But that is what one needs to contend with in order to purchase your house or apartment. Even if you resort to getting everything else, like clothes and groceries, from the magical world, your landlord will only give you a funny look and think you’re crazy if you try to pay him in galleons. And what about that late-night order of Chinese food? Don’t expect to tip the delivery boy with sickles.