2. upward over the mountain

mother, i made it up from the bruise on the floor of this prison
mother, i lost it, all of the fear of the lord i was given
so may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
sons are like birds, flying upward over the mountain


He had made his decision.

He was going to get the Dark Mark.

He would make his family proud.

The morning before the initiation, his mother woke him up. Her dark hazel eyes were filled with worry. “Regulus, you don’t have to do this. You have already proved yourself worthy to the Black family,” she said, begging him not to waste his life.

“Mother, don’t worry. I’ll be fine. I have to do this for us,” he said as he got up from his bed.

“You’re only sixteen!”

“Yes, its never too early to redeem this family from Sirius’ shame.”

It hadn’t stopped hurting.

The Dark Mark was supposed to have made him stronger; however, he felt as if he was getting weaker. In becoming a servant to this supposedly worthy cause, he felt as if he had lost everything that he had once had hoped to achieve from this. He wanted his freedom initially. He had sacrificed it for status and purity. His values weren’t as extreme as others. Despite believing that purebloods were superior to many other forms of wizards, he didn’t think that they needed to be so violent and cruel.

Regulus was a ticking time bomb.

“Sirius, please! Just listen to me.”

“Listen to you, Regulus? You’re just like them. You’re a murderer,” exclaimed his brother, pointing his finger straight at Regulus’ chest.

“No, I’m not.”

Sirius was too enraged to listen. “You always had to prove yourself to be more superior than everyone else….”

“SHUT UP!” yelled Regulus. He panted. “If you don’t get everyone out of here now, you’ll all be dead.”

Sirius looked at him sceptically. “How can I trust you?”

Regulus’ heart dropped. “Because I’m your brother.”

“You’re not my brother. My brother’s dead,” Sirius said as he left.

“As is mine.”

5. cough syrup
If I could find a way to see this straight
I'd run away
To some fortune that I, I should have found by now


They were liars. Cheats. Cutthroats. Murderers.

Regulus looked down at his left forearm at the burning mark they had made and wished he could rip it off of his skin. He’d have to live with the mistakes he’d made.

Sirius had been right. Right all along.

He couldn’t believe how stupid he had been to identify himself with those cold-hearted people. He couldn’t believe how eager he’d been to prove himself to the world. How vain.

He’d gotten in too deep. He’d lost himself.

The very thought of the boy he used to be revolted him.

He had to change.

6. bleeding out
You tell me to hold on
Oh you tell me to hold on
But innocence is gone
And what was right is wrong

“Well done, you have completed your first mission. You’ll make our family proud in no time,” said Bellatrix as she patted Regulus on the back. He shifted uncomfortably. He wasn’t happy, but he couldn’t tell Bella. He faked a smile and she left him on his own for a while and then he apparated home.

When he arrived home, Narcissa was sitting outside waiting for him. She looked concerned as usual. “Regulus, is everything alright?”

Regulus faked another grin. “Why wouldn’t I be?” Truth be told, he’d never be the same again because of the horrors he’d seen that night.

7. nothing
Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her


Marlene McKinnon was a name that would forever haunt Regulus. He had met her by accident in the corridors of Hogwarts. He had wanted to dislike her because she was friends with Sirius. However, Regulus discovered that he had feelings for her.

When the Order did a raid on a Death Eater hideout, she found him. They both stood still for a moment. Instead of capturing him, she told him to run.

“I’m not leaving, Marlene.”

“Please Reg. If you got captured…I couldn’t…”

He didn’t need to hear anything else. “Right. Be safe.”

“I promise. You too.” She hugged him.

8. hurricane And I believe that half the time
I am a wolf among the sheep
Gnawing at the wool over my eyes.

The other boys in his house were envious of him when they learnt he joined the Dark Lord’s cause. Murmurs spread about the castle like wildfire. When he walked into the Common Room, he’d hear a couple of students whispering, “That’s Regulus Black.”

After his first mission, Regulus was starting to crack. He’d been spending time with Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape in the library when he heard someone whisper, “He’s just to redeem his family from Sirius’ mistakes.”

He approached the group of younger years. “I have no brother. Never had one.” He hadn't mean it.....Or had he?

9. bad blood
If we're only ever looking back
We will drive ourselves insane
As the friendship goes resentment grows
We will walk our different ways

“You little…!” began Sirius as he pushed Regulus up against a wall in the corridor. He was fuming with anger. “How could you? You’ve done it well now, you bloody idiot! You’ve betrayed everyone that you’ve ever cared about.”

He spat in his face. “Go on, brother. Beat me up. See if I care.”

Sirius harrumphed and let go of him. “You’re being an idiot, Regulus. Stop this now.”

He wished that he could take it all back. But how could he have said that to Sirius? He frowned. “I’m sorry but I can’t.”

Tears welled up in Sirius’ eyes.

10. you hear me
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?


“Master?”

“Not now, Kreacher. I must finish this. I must stop Voldermort.” He prepared himself to complete his last mission. “ No matter what happens after this make sure you switch Slytherin’s locket with this fake one. Then go home and destroy the real locket, leaving me here to face my own fate.”

Kreacher protested but Regulus continued. “Do not tell my family what happened especially Sirius. Thank you, Kreacher.”

Regulus handed Kreacher the note and the necklace. Regulus picked the potion up with the shell and began sipping it. “Sirius, please forgive me. I’ve been such a fool, brother.”

11. icarus
You put up your defenses when you leave
You leave because you're certain
Of who you want to be


“Sirius, why did you leave?” asked a sixteen year old Regulus. Silence was his answer. He ran after his brother. “Siri!”

Sirius stopped in his tracks and turned around to face his younger brother. His heart broke a little when he heard his brother call him by that affectionate nickname. “You know why I left, Reg. I had to.”

Regulus shook his head. “You didn’t have too…”

“It was best for everybody.”

“But why did you leave me here?” he whispered as he watched his brother go join James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. His brother had replaced him.

12. counting starsI feel something so right
By doing the wrong thing
And I feel something so wrong
By doing the right thing
I couldn't lie, couldn't lie, couldn't lie
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive


One day, Sirius approached him in the courtyard. “Hey Reg,” he said.

Regulus’ eyes widened. “Was that greeting directed towards me? I’m flattered honestly that you’d pay so much attention to an estranged family member.”

Sirius chuckled. “Shut up and move over, you prick.”

Regulus raised his hands up into the air and the two reminisced about the time they had spent apart. “It’s always ‘Do this, do that Regulus’- there is no room for mistakes anymore. I’m jealous of you. You’re free.” Sirius patted his back and then Regulus pinched himself.

“Knew it was too good to be true…”

13.you are a runner and i am my father's sonAnd you are a runner
And I am my father's son

Regulus was heading to his next class when he saw his brother in the corridors of Hogwarts. He stopped right in his tracks. He didn’t care if he was going to be late to class. All that mattered was seeing Sirius. Regulus hadn’t seen Sirius since he ran away from home. His brother was joking around with his closest friend, James Potter. Regulus’ eyes narrowed as he glared at the two boys. He blamed arrogant Potter for ruining his family.

Regulus realized from that point on that he and his brother would forever be opposite sides of the same coin.

14. Do you wanna build a snowman?
We used to be best buddies
And now we're not
I wish you would tell me why!

note: lyrics from frozen!

It was Christmas morning and Regulus glanced outside the window to find it had snowed heavily the night before. He gasped and ran to his brother’s room. He knocked on his brother’s door three times before excitedly asking, “Do you wanna build a snowman?” Silence. “Come on let’s go and play. I never see you anymore. Come out the door! It’s like you’ve gone away! We used to be best buddies.” He frowned and looked at his feet. “And now we’re not. I wish you would tell me why! Do you wanna build a snowman?”

“Go away, Regulus!”

“Okay, bye.”

15. i see fire
Hold fast and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
Desolation comes upon the sky

“Young Black, join Severus and me,” explained Bellatrix as she led the way up the many stairs. On the seventh floor, they found a young girl crying. “Oh, why are you crying?”

“Because my boyfriend broke up with me.”

“I’ll give you a real reason to cry!” She pointed her wand at the girl. Regulus’ heart beat quickened. He looked at Severus to see what he thought but Sev avoided his glance.

“Bella, don’t!” said Regulus as he cast the disarming spell.

“What are YOU doing?” shrieked Bellatrix. Her eyes were filled with flames.

“Stopping you from getting another detention.”

16. this is war
A warning to the people,
The good and the evil,
This is war

NOTE: JOURNAL ENTRY!!
--

I’m sorry that I haven’t been sharing my thoughts with you; however, I’ve been recently somewhat engaged. Three weeks ago, I received my Dark Mark from the Dark Lord and started to develop feelings for Marlene. I know I’m not supposed to have feelings for her but I just can’t fight them. I can’t tell anyone.

Younger students keep on asking me questions about the war. Is the Dark Lord or the Order evil? Which one is good or bad?I don’t see a distinction between either one anymore. We’re just people - people who don’t understand one another.

Strange.

-R.A.B.

17. monster
If I told you what I was,
Would you turn your back on me?
And if I seem dangerous,
Would you be scared?
Last night had been his first mission as a full-fledged Death Eater. They were to capture a muggleborn family who insulted the Dark Lord. Regulus rubbed his eyes, trying to dismiss the images from his head. He hadn’t slept. He had dark circles underneath his eyes. He relieved the entire scene. Behind his mask, Regulus witnessed the Dark Lord murder the family. He killed the children first and made the parents watch the horrific event. Someone told him that the emotions eventually stopped.

He looked at himself in the mirror. He didn’t see himself.

All he saw was a monster.

18. secrets
I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess

Regulus and Narcissa sat on the steps. “Maybe Sirius is right,” sighed Regulus.

“About?”

“How the world works.”

“That’s very broad. But I know what you mean. I think people like you and I know better than to go against out family. Merlin knows we have seen what happens when you do…”

“Yes, we do know... I..,I..I can’t get that memory out of my mind. What was my brother thinking?”

“Who knows? Are you alright, Reg?”

“Yes.” What he meant to say was ‘no’. He had wanted to tell her the truth but he couldn’t. He had to be strong.

19. losing your memory
The damage is done
You're losing your memory now
...


Ever since Sirius had run away from home, he had never forgotten to keep an eye on his younger brother. Regulus’ own ambition to succeed propelled Regulus towards Bellatrix. Sirius couldn’t ever bring himself to help his brother out. Numerous obstacles stood in his way: Regulus, his parents, Regulus’ friends, and his own friends.

However, the biggest obstacle of it all was himself.

Sometimes Sirius wished that he could have hated his brother. That would have been easier, but he couldn’t hate him.

Reg was his baby brother. Sirius needed to help Regulus remember that he was on his side.

20. home
Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
...



Sirius, Narcissa, Andromeda, and Regulus sat on the creaky wooden floor in Sirius’ room. “I’m starving,” complained Andromeda.

Narcissa pouted,“Me too.”

Sirius stood up. “Let’s eat.”

“Siri, we’ll get into trouble!” protested Regulus.

“We won’t, Reg.” Sirius led them to outside the kitchen. “Reg has to go in. They like him.”

Before Regulus could dispute this claim, he was pushed inside the room. His tummy grumbled. Oh no! he thought. He turned pink.

An elderly elf chuckled and approached him with a plate of gingerbread cookies. “Share these with your friends. Merry Christmas, young master.”

“Thank you and you too.”

21. hearts a messYour heart's a mess
You won't admit to it
It makes no sense
But I'm desperate to connect
You can't live like this

“Hi Sirius.”

He placed his hand gently on the burnt off section on the family tree. That place had once belonged to Sirius. Regulus closed his eyes. He could still see Sirius’ face the moment his mother removed his face from the family tree. Walburga Black could be a terrifying woman at times. “How… how was your day today?” Silence answered him. Regulus looked down at his shoes as his eyes filled with tears. A burning sensation rose in his throat. “There is…so…much pain inside me. I can’t mess up. I have to be perfect.”

Regulus couldn't live like this.

22. behind blue eyesNo one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

Once securely inside the Prefect’s bathroom, Regulus’ shoulders slumped. His chin wobbled slightly. Hugging his textbook close to him, he tried to erase Sirius’ words. You’re a coward, Regulus. Why don’t you go run to your mummy and daddy? You’re a disgrace to the human race. You’re an idiot.

He wasn’t the bad guy. Regulus was trying to do what he thought was the right thing. However, no matter how many times he tried, Sirius would always have something to say. Each phrase pushed down on his chest, making it harder to breathe.

He was drowning.


You’re not my brother.

23. little lion man
Weep, little lion man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself
Take all the courage you have left


The cup of tea slipped out of Regulus’ hands and shattered into tiny little pieces. “Oh dear!” said Andromeda as she rushed to grab a tea towel. Regulus remained still as a statue. Unreadable. “Are you okay?”

Regulus picked up a piece of glass and shrugged. “I’m slipping.”

“Well your cup of tea did,” teased Andromeda. Regulus didn’t laugh. She frowned. “What ever do you mean?”

“I can’t do this anymore.” The glass cut him.

“Do what?”

“Be apart of all of this.”

Andromeda grabbed his hand and examined the cut. “How are you going to leave them?”

"With courage."

24. clocksAm I a part of the cure?
Or am I part of the disease?

“We will eradicate all who dare pose a threat to our society.” Cheers were heard from around the table. Regulus remained silent as he stood next to Rabastan Lestrange. Rabastan was silent too. “We will exterminate the unworthy and filthy to create a more pure and homogenous society. No one will stand in our way for our cause is right. We are the cure,” exclaimed Voldermort.

Were they the cure? Regulus glanced around him at his companions. They were all thirsty for blood. He felt repulsed by them. He kept neutral. Were they the cure if they took innocent lives?

25. thistle & weedsSpare me your judgements and spare me your dreams
Cause recently mine have been tearing my seams
I sit alone in this winter clarity which clouds my mind
Alone in the wind and the rain you left me
It's getting dark darling, too dark to see
And I'm on my knees, and your faith in shreds, it seems


Sirius,

I know how you think ill of me and that opinion may never change. Too blinded by my own arrogance and ambition, I let myself go. I have to pretend to be like them. I cannot trust anyone. It’s a never-ending trial of guilt.

I have to rewrite my wrongs. I’ve given this note to Kreacher just in case you should happen to wonder where your brother ran off to this time. I don’t expect you to ask.

-R.A.B

Instead of listening to his master’s instructions, Kreacher burnt the letter. “Forgive me, Master Regulus, but Master Sirius wouldn’t understand.”