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DaniDiNardo · #1 (**permalink**) 12-04-2018, 12:52 PM

Upon entering this large classroom, it is very obvious what its purpose is. This room is dedicated to teaching Muggle and Wizard Music and is used by members of both the Frog Choir and Orchestra. Instrument cases of all shapes and sizes as well as rows of music stands with accompanying stools fill the inside of this room. In the front, a conductor's stand is positioned in between a polished black piano and a complete drum set.

For many at Hogwarts, students and adults alike, this is one of their favourite places inside the castle. At various hours throughout the day, wonderful music is made and you get to take a break from anything overly theoretical and hone your musical talents. Fortunately for those in Transfiguration or in other parts of the castle, your marvelous melodies cannot disturb them for the room is completely soundproof. So play as loud as you want! This space can also be reserved after scheduled class hours if you and your friends have formed a band and need somewhere appropriate to practice.

sarahlooo · 01-07-2019, 03:35 AM

It had been a few days since the fiasco of the first feast, which was... odd and confusing and very hectic and Natalie still wasn't sure what to make of it. She had seen... some unsettling things that included her brother and Max and Bel and she even thought she saw Derf over at the Hufflepuff table.

Derf, oh Derf. She hadn't talked to him since the train when she discovered he had been made Head Boy. Then she had seen some weird stuff at the feast, but she had been able to convince herself that it was just whatever WEIRD stuff was going on with everyone else. There had been a lot going through her mind lately and a lot of it seemed to revolve around Derf. She had been in a good mood all summer and now... she didn't know how she felt.

Which was why she was wandering around after class without any idea of where she was going and no intention of going back to her common room yet. Eventually, she found a room with some musical instruments (that she had no idea how to play) and stepped inside. It was empty, so Natalie went around to a piano and sat down on the bench before tapping down onto some keys.

plonk. plonk plonk. ploooooonk.

Ah, music.

sweetpinkpixie · 01-07-2019, 03:15 PM

So much for starting the term out confident and settled with his existence, am I right? Figuring out what had happened at the start-of-term feast but not the how (he had suspicions and, to some degree, knew ... but he just really did not want to think about it. At all) had been one blow. Professor Wayland giving him a warning for his behavior while he was under the influence of a love potion had been another - it was like it was HIS fault for being a victim, you know? He really wanted to put that whole thing behind him, but first he had to deal with the bowtruckles in his room still....and then eventually seek out Zoryn.

The latter...he would wait a bit more on. The bowtruckles would be a discussion today. Just later. The seventh year really needed to clear his head before he tackled that.

With some time to kill before his next class, Derf wandered the corridor on a bit of an impromptu patrol of sorts...which naturally meant that he heard the keys of the piano and poked his head into the room to see who was playing. Or, well, who was making an attempt to play at least.

"....an original composition?" he asked lamely from the doorway.

sarahlooo · 01-08-2019, 05:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpinkpixie

So much for starting the term out confident and settled with his existence, am I right? Figuring out what had happened at the start-of-term feast but not the how (he had suspicions and, to some degree, knew ... but he just really did not want to think about it. At all) had been one blow. Professor Wayland giving him a warning for his behavior while he was under the influence of a love potion had been another - it was like it was HIS fault for being a victim, you know? He really wanted to put that whole thing behind him, but first he had to deal with the bowtruckles in his room still....and then eventually seek out Zoryn.

The latter...he would wait a bit more on. The bowtruckles would be a discussion today. Just later. The seventh year really needed to clear his head before he tackled that.

With some time to kill before his next class, Derf wandered the corridor on a bit of an impromptu patrol of sorts...which naturally meant that he heard the keys of the piano and poked his head into the room to see who was playing. Or, well, who was making an attempt to play at least.

"....an original composition?" he asked lamely from the doorway.

There had been a lot on her mind, but somehow banging her fingers on the piano helped clear her head a little bit. Maybe the terrible noise was distracting her brain from what it was usually thinking about.

Speaking of what she was thinking about, the voice of the person she wanted to talk to most and dreaded talking to most suddenly rang in her ears and made her jump in surprise, her fingers banging on the keys one last time as her head whipped around to see if it was actually him.

And it was.

Unaware that anyone had been around to hear her terrible piano klunking, Natalie's cheeks turned pink and her stomach turned a little bit. And then she stared at him... and then she turned around when she realized she had no idea what to say to him. She had run through a couple conversations with him in her head, but they had all ended with her rolling her eyes at herself because she sounded stupid. Needless to say, she had not come to any conclusions or had any idea what she should say to him, or even ask him...

Awkward.

sweetpinkpixie · 01-09-2019, 05:58 AM

...........she wasn't even SPEAKING to him?

Ruffling his hair, Derf felt that all too familiar sense of defeat sink into his chest and he hung his head for just a moment and took a very deep breath before lifting his head to look at her once more. "What did I do...this time?" he all but pleaded with her, somehow managing to keep his frustrations masked behind a genuine upset for once AGAIN letting her down somehow. "Wait...maybe I can guess?" And then he paused for another breath. "Is it...because I didn't tell you about Head Boy in Diagon Alley? Because I hadn't told anyone, Natalie. No one. And then you looked so happy being able to share that you were prefect so I didn't want you feeling gloomy because I got this badge..." And, subsequently, that she had not been made Head Girl. But he left that unsaid. "Or...is it because of what happened at the feast? My snogging Zoryn? Because I was unwillingly under the influence of some love potion and incapable of having any kind of control over what I was doing. Likely would have actually thrown a kneazle off the Astronomy Tower if she asked me too." Which was a throw back to another time but he needed Natalie to see that that was NOT him at all. "Or...did I take too long to find you? Cause you seemed so cross with me in the prefects compartment that I thought you needed space...but maybe I was wrong? I can't ever seem to do right by you..."

And he tried. He tried SO hard. But everything always ended up wrong.

sarahlooo · 01-10-2019, 04:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpinkpixie

...........she wasn't even SPEAKING to him?

Ruffling his hair, Derf felt that all too familiar sense of defeat sink into his chest and he hung his head for just a moment and took a very deep breath before lifting his head to look at her once more. "What did I do...this time?" he all but pleaded with her, somehow managing to keep his frustrations masked behind a genuine upset for once AGAIN letting her down somehow. "Wait...maybe I can guess?" And then he paused for another breath. "Is it...because I didn't tell you about Head Boy in Diagon Alley? Because I hadn't told anyone, Natalie. No one. And then you looked so happy being able to share that you were prefect so I didn't want you feeling gloomy because I got this badge..." And, subsequently, that she had not been made Head Girl. But he left that unsaid. "Or...is it because of what happened at the feast? My snogging Zoryn? Because I was unwillingly under the influence of some love potion and incapable of having any kind of control over what I was doing. Likely would have actually thrown a kneazle off the Astronomy Tower if she asked me too." Which was a throw back to another time but he needed Natalie to see that that was NOT him at all. "Or...did I take too long to find you? Cause you seemed so cross with me in the prefects compartment that I thought you needed space...but maybe I was wrong? I can't ever seem to do right by you..."

And he tried. He tried SO hard. But everything always ended up wrong.

She knew that she shouldn't leave him hanging like that and that not saying anything was probably making things worse. Because she also knew that Derf felt a lot of things. And her being silent was making him feel more things, surely.

But what he said first made HER feel things and those things were mostly guilt. Because he really didn't do anything wrong - that was the thing. Natalie knew she had no reason to be upset, yet she always kept feeling upset and then she would get mad at herself for feeling that way, but then she couldn't help it and then she felt guilty and then went around and around and around in circles.

And of course, she never talked to him. Because talking to him was... harder than it should be.

But this time he was doing all the talking. Natalie stayed still, her back still towards him, eyes on the keys of the piano as he took a guess. And he was right. She had been upset when she discovered that he was made Head Boy and hadn't told her. But then she felt guilty for feeling upset because he was the only one in the school that deserved that badge and it was selfish of her to feel that way. And yes, she had been upset that she had seen Derf snogging Zoryn at the feast even though she KNEW he never would have done that if he hadn't been under the influence of a love potion. But it still sucked SEEING it, especially considering Natalie felt like she had been trying SO HARD to get her and Derf in a good place and THEY hadn't even kissed once in like, forever (besides that one time at the end of last term but that didn't really count). Of course, she wanted him to feel comfortable, but.... ugh. Really. She had no reason to be upset.

That was the kicker.

And it just.... it wasn't working, was it? It seemed that the thing she had wanted most for the last few years... really wasn't working, despite all her hopes and efforts. They never did right by each other. And they always ended up upsetting each other. And it was then that Natalie finally let herself wonder if this... wasn't going to work. And it made her cry. But whenever she cried, Derf always took the blame! Endless circles, that's what they were doing - walking in endless circles and just driving each other crazy. And not in a good way.

After all that, Natalie still didn't know what to say. If she DID say something, it would be obvious that she was crying and then Derf would feel bad and she didn't want that because it finally seemed like he was speaking his mind and she needed that to happen. Subtly lifting her hand, Natalie quickly wiped a tear from her cheek and sniffed quietly. What was she supposed to say? [i]'Yeah, you're right. We should break up.'[/b] THAT was gold because they had never actually been TOGETHER.

And that sucked.

"I have no reason to be upset," she finally said, willing her voice to sound normal even though it wanted to waver. She was a crier. He knew that.

sweetpinkpixie · 01-19-2019, 07:14 AM

His eyes were trained at his feet once he had finished, anxious about looking up at her because he knew she would get emotional and emotional meant tears and tears meant that he felt awful for upsetting her and that in turn meant that he pushed his own agenda aside so he could focus on comforting her. And that usually meant a hug. Hugging Natalie tended to mean she got more emotional, clung to him, and he would stroke her hair and kiss the top of her head, try to do everything he could to calm and assure her. Assure her that she was important. Assure her that he did care, deeply, for her. But all that did was keep them in this cycle and then the pressure kept building and BUILDING on him to do things right. To be PERFECT.

And anyone who knew Derfael Mitchell Ashburry-Hawthorne knew that he was anything BUT that.

"But you still are," he murmured gently while taking a few more cautious steps towards her. Glancing up, he saw that she was actually crying and it took every fiber of his being not to just reach out and hug her. His arms even twitched as though to do so. "...and telling yourself you don't have a right to be...doesn't fix anything. It...it...well...statements like that prevent you from seeking the help you need...or properly internally reflecting on things...and then we just...get stuck. It doesn't take away from your hurt...I think it only adds to it. Because now you feel guilty for being upset...and it all just, you know, layers on top of layers." Pauses to swallow thickly and ruffles his hair. "Your feelings are your feelings...your challenges are a challenge to you, and that makes them valid..."

He realized that he was rambling something terrible and he was not entirely sure where he was going with this.

"...but...for me? Natalie...for me? This all...it all turns into this pressure. Pressure from you. Cameron. Liam. Everyone who knows there is some potential between us...and I feel less and less like I am allowed to be me and I have to be some other person."

sarahlooo · 01-19-2019, 07:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpinkpixie

His eyes were trained at his feet once he had finished, anxious about looking up at her because he knew she would get emotional and emotional meant tears and tears meant that he felt awful for upsetting her and that in turn meant that he pushed his own agenda aside so he could focus on comforting her. And that usually meant a hug. Hugging Natalie tended to mean she got more emotional, clung to him, and he would stroke her hair and kiss the top of her head, try to do everything he could to calm and assure her. Assure her that she was important. Assure her that he did care, deeply, for her. But all that did was keep them in this cycle and then the pressure kept building and BUILDING on him to do things right. To be PERFECT.

And anyone who knew Derfael Mitchell Ashburry-Hawthorne knew that he was anything BUT that.

"But you still are," he murmured gently while taking a few more cautious steps towards her. Glancing up, he saw that she was actually crying and it took every fiber of his being not to just reach out and hug her. His arms even twitched as though to do so. "...and telling yourself you don't have a right to be...doesn't fix anything. It...it...well...statements like that prevent you from seeking the help you need...or properly internally reflecting on things...and then we just...get stuck. It doesn't take away from your hurt...I think it only adds to it. Because now you feel guilty for being upset...and it all just, you know, layers on top of layers." Pauses to swallow thickly and ruffles his hair. "Your feelings are your feelings...your challenges are a challenge to you, and that makes them valid..."

He realized that he was rambling something terrible and he was not entirely sure where he was going with this.

"...but...for me? Natalie...for me? This all...it all turns into this pressure. Pressure from you. Cameron. Liam. Everyone who knows there is some potential between us...and I feel less and less like I am allowed to be me and I have to be some other person."

Yes, she still was upset. But she felt stupid about it because she knew that she shouldn't be and it was just that - her selfishness - that helped glue them into this never ending cycle. She would do something stupid, Derf would comfort her, she would get hopeful, something would set them back, and then she always ended up crying again. Just like this. But this time... was going to be different, wasn't it?

All she ever wanted was to know how Derf really felt. Now that he was actually telling her...? It made her want to crawl into a hole. Because as much as she liked him and cared for him and wanted to be the one that made him happy, she just wasn't. And that hurt. Derf wasn't happy and it was pretty much her fault. She couldn't make him happy. In fact, she was making her even more unhappy. Constantly.

Wiping another tear away, Natalie listened to his rambling while she stared at the piano. It was rambling, yeah, but it was all true. She was slightly self destructive and they always got stuck. And yes, she was feeling guilty. And yes, there were layers. Lots of layers. And pressure. And Derf was unhappy. And it was her fault.

Natalie stood up from the bench, quickly wiping tears off her cheek again. "This isn't working," she said quietly, turning to face him, forcing a smile. It was her attempt to try and look okay with it, even though she definitely wasn't. "I get it." But facing him just made her want to cry again because she had wanted to be happy with him more than anything. She had dreamed about it so much that she just thought it would eventually happen. Another set of tears stung in her eyes and Natalie averted her eyes.

"Can I ask you something?" she asked, lifting her hands to rub her eyes again, her voice thick. By the way - she was going to ask him no matter what he said. She dropped her hands and looked at him, her pink rimmed blue eyes on his. "Do you even like me? Or were you just trying to make me happy?" Because yes, he cared about her, but that didn't mean that he actually wanted to be in a relationship with her. They had been friends since first year. She knew that Derf would do anything for her, possibly including trying to be in a relationship that he didn't really want to be in.

sweetpinkpixie · 01-19-2019, 09:31 AM

"...no. No...it isn't," he nodded slightly. And he had known for a while that it wasn't but he just couldn't stop trying. But now, thinking about it all, he realized his breaking point had happened a while ago. It had come after finding out what had happened after the inferi attack, after she had come to visit him in the hospital wing after somehow miraculously being pulled from death's veil and told him that about how she felt about him. At the time, hearing those words had been way too much for him. Plus...he and Abey had just whispered them to each other while on the ground in the pathways too, thinking they were about to die. So, really, the then fifth year had been in not state to emotionally receive nor process much. But then, while he was still in the hospital wing and mere days after she had said these things to her...she was snogging someone else. Getting in over her head yet again, doing more than she was truly ready for...and then it all came back on him. Somehow, things got twisted to be his fault.

It was their pattern.

"...and I'm scared that when I leave here...you're going to internalize all this and self destruct...and continue to surround yourself by people who validate that without malicious intent. They just want to make you feel better. because they care.."

And he...there was no recovering from that for him. Not really. Not as he was now where he could hardly process his own feelings on any of this. Not when any time he held her or got close...knowing that certain expectations were there. It was just more pressure. More and more thick sticky layers of pressure that made molasses look like water.

.........and then of all the possible things she could have asked, she asked THAT. So his hands balled up into fists at his side and much of that urge to hug her and comfort her drained from his veins. Though he knew that would only be temporary, but her words cut and they had cut deep.

He thought she knew how anxious certain sorts of intimacy made him...and sent him into slight panics where he, er, sometimes bolted from embarrassment. How sacred to almost a ridiculous degree he found even something as simple as a kiss to be. He had told her that he liked her and liked her in that way. How she was the only girl he had ever kissed.

"....I thought you knew me," he said with an eerie sort of calmness to his voice.

But to answer her question? Both. It had been both. But he had become so lost along the way. So so very lost.

sarahlooo · 01-19-2019, 08:47 PM

Hearing him agree made a few emotions stir up inside of her. Sadness, of course, because she had wanted so much for it to work. She had been trying to WILL it to work for the last several months without much progress. She knew that it was partially her fault, but also because Derf was... slower when it came to relationships. But she had been willing to be patient. This wasn't a matter of impatience, though. It just wasn't working. But she felt something else, too... A sort of release. Natalie had spent the last several years making mistakes with Derf in the back of her mind, wondering what he would think of her or how he would react if he found out. She felt bad thinking it, but it was sort of... tiring. Did that make her a bad person?

Natalie chewed on the inside of her lip, swallowing back a lump in her throat. She sought validation from people who didn't care as much as Derf did, but Derf rarely gave her the validation that she so desperately wanted. But she knew why he couldn't. He wasn't like that. But she WAS. Another reason why it wasn't working.

Sue her for wanting to feel loved. She couldn't help it.

The question she had voiced aloud had been one that was stuck in her mind for the last several months. Yes, he had told her that he liked her. Yes, they had kissed. But Natalie's mind moved at a pace much faster than his - how was she to know that his feelings and thoughts remained the same? Every time she received some sort of validation from him, it was small and then there was nothing and she was lost, clueless, wondering if he had changed her mind. He was the only person who had ever told her that he liked her. The only person who had reciprocated her feelings. Yet, it wasn't enough... but she did know why. She did know him. Which is why she started crying again when he said that he thought he knew her - because she realized what her question really meant to him. And she regretted asking.

A frustrated sigh (not frustrated at him, but at herself, as usual) escaped her lips and her eyes stung with fresh tears again. "I do," she said quietly, her voice wavering. "I know. I'm sorry." Wiping at her eyes somewhat aggressively, Natalie tried to find words to explain herself. "I'm selfish, Derf. I need more than you can give me, I always have."

But also, going back to what he had said before. "But part of the reason you're unhappy with me is because you care too much about who I spend time with and who I seek validation from. You can't do that." She was trying to talk over her tears, but her voice was clearly thick from crying and her cheeks were wet. It was part of the reason that she had been unhappy too. Always feeling like her mistakes outweighed everything. Which... they did.

sweetpinkpixie · 01-20-2019, 10:45 AM

He didn't believe her.

It was sad and it hurt, but he didn't. Surely they wouldn't still be going around in circles still if she did. It felt like she was in love with an idea of him...and maybe not him. He just felt more lost and frustrated, and her next words were that additional squirt of lemon juice in the eye he knew he could have done without. Because it validated a thought he had had for a long time now. It almost even validated all those people who had come at him for all the 'games' he had apparently been playing with her and how 'messed up' he was. He wasn't enough. He was inadequate. Like most everything else that had come to pass at Hogwarts, he had failed and let people down. Worst of all? Worst of all was that he had also let himself down by losing himself along the way in the pursuit to push his feelings and try, desperately at times, to be on pace with others. Because there was an expectation to be...and Derf hated falling short of other's expectations.

He still wanted to hug her, comfort her, but instead he found himself taking a step back and away.

"If I hadn't had to see how much you suffered and hurt each time...I wouldn't need to be so worried about the who, Natalie," he said softly, his tone defeated. Because how many times had it been that he felt like he was trying to piece back the best parts of her with spell-o-tape? He had lost count in the moment...but he would never stop doing that. Not as long as she still let him. "I told you...a long time ago...if it made you happier in the end, then I could make my peace with it all. But each time you came back to me crying, apologizing, feeling like you had made a mistake. Even without romantic interest, I would be worried. I would care."

Taking a few shallow breaths and running a hand haphazardly through his messy hair, the seventh year sighed and looked down at his feet and the muddy footprints he was still leaving behind.

To think that one exploded kneazle litter box could lead to all this...

"....I'm...sorry .... for you that....I was never good enough...that I never will be good enough..." His voice was surprisingly steady as he spoke though his eyes were more than a bit vacant. "...I tried. I tried my best. I tried to be...I...."

And then, for once, he was selfish in that he turned to leave so he wouldn't have to see her cry properly. So he wouldn't throw caution to the wind again and wrap his arms around her so she could cry into his chest until she was too tired to do so anymore.

sarahlooo · 01-22-2019, 06:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpinkpixie

He didn't believe her.

It was sad and it hurt, but he didn't. Surely they wouldn't still be going around in circles still if she did. It felt like she was in love with an idea of him...and maybe not him. He just felt more lost and frustrated, and her next words were that additional squirt of lemon juice in the eye he knew he could have done without. Because it validated a thought he had had for a long time now. It almost even validated all those people who had come at him for all the 'games' he had apparently been playing with her and how 'messed up' he was. He wasn't enough. He was inadequate. Like most everything else that had come to pass at Hogwarts, he had failed and let people down. Worst of all? Worst of all was that he had also let himself down by losing himself along the way in the pursuit to push his feelings and try, desperately at times, to be on pace with others. Because there was an expectation to be...and Derf hated falling short of other's expectations.

He still wanted to hug her, comfort her, but instead he found himself taking a step back and away.

"If I hadn't had to see how much you suffered and hurt each time...I wouldn't need to be so worried about the who, Natalie," he said softly, his tone defeated. Because how many times had it been that he felt like he was trying to piece back the best parts of her with spell-o-tape? He had lost count in the moment...but he would never stop doing that. Not as long as she still let him. "I told you...a long time ago...if it made you happier in the end, then I could make my peace with it all. But each time you came back to me crying, apologizing, feeling like you had made a mistake. Even without romantic interest, I would be worried. I would care."

Taking a few shallow breaths and running a hand haphazardly through his messy hair, the seventh year sighed and looked down at his feet and the muddy footprints he was still leaving behind.

To think that one exploded kneazle litter box could lead to all this...

"....I'm...sorry .... for you that....I was never good enough...that I never will be good enough..." His voice was surprisingly steady as he spoke though his eyes were more than a bit vacant. "...I tried. I tried my best. I tried to be...I...."

And then, for once, he was selfish in that he turned to leave so he wouldn't have to see her cry properly. So he wouldn't throw caution to the wind again and wrap his arms around her so she could cry into his chest until she was too tired to do so anymore.

Her insides hurt. Not an upset tummy that could be fixed by some of her mum's tea though; no, it was a hurt she had never felt before. But she was less sad about knowing that this was over and more sad that she knew that this whole mess was her fault. She had been the most selfish girl she could have ever been. And she just kept on hurting him and making it worse.

And she didn't mean anything by her comment of who other than she just... didn't want him to know. If or who she was seeking attention from. Because it made him worried about her and Derf had much better things to do than worry about Natalie. But he was right, she always came back to him. Because when he couldn't give her what she wanted, she went elsewhere... only to realize what she really wanted. Which meant throwing Derf around like a tennis ball.

How could he ever forgive her?

But of course, Derf always blamed himself. Good enough? Natalie wanted to believe that Derf was all she ever needed, but that had proven to be false. She was so in love with the idea of being in love with him and being in a perfect relationship with him that she really thought that they would be enough together. But... it never worked.

A little sob escaped her lips when he apologized and explained that he tried. "N-no, Derf, you are -" Perfect? Yes. He was perfect the way he was. It was TRUE, even though she knew they wouldn't be together. But she had to stop because suddenly Derf... was leaving.

Leaving?

Derf... had never left her before.

So, that was how she knew it was really the end. And she sat back down on the bench and cried until she ran out of tears.

Suziella · 02-07-2019, 05:31 AM

It had been a very long and trying day, and despite his happy place being with the creatures...sometimes Tristan needed to get away from them too.

Which was one reason he was so happy that there was a music room; he could come in here and play or sing music to his hearts content. Well, at least until music lessons started or Frog Choir practice...which was in a couple hours, actually. So, he had plenty of time to relax before then.

Not many people knew this about Tristan, but he was actually very musically talented. He mostly played the guitar and sang, but he could also play the piano a bit as well. He wasn't a master at all, but he was still pretty good.

As he made his way into the music room, he was happy to see that no one else was in the room. Usually he would pick up a guitar, but today he wanted the piano. He walked silently over to the beautiful, sleek piano, pulled out the bench and sat down.

He looked down at the keys to think about what he wanted to play, then a little grin came over his face. He placed his fingers on the black and white keys and began to play a hauntingly beautiful song. When it was time to sing he took a breath, continuing to play, he started to sing. His gentle tenor voice floated through the room. Anyone within hearing distance would probably be extremely curious to see who that voice belonged to. The only students that knew he sang like this...were those in the Frog Choir. Yes, they did a sing a long at the bonfire, but this was different.

When he got to the chorus, his voice was still gentle but more urgent, singing:

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice
You'll make it now...

He continued on singing the song, not caring who heard him. At this point he was so focused on the song he wouldn't have known if anyone walked in.

Song: Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard

itsjustjesse · 03-30-2019, 12:11 AM

she wasn’t s a d, no that didn’t really cover it. That word was used far too much to describe f e e l i n g s but it didn’t cover her emotions. It wasn’t like anything could cover what made her feel like this…it was almost like the tap had run dry on her emotions. The roller coaster was coasting to a stop. It was almost numbing and all too real.

don’t show it that was what she was doing – not showing her emotions. Not wearing her big ole heart on her sleeves when that, that was what she normally did. Wear her heart on her sleeves like some kind of naïve little thing…she didn’t want to be naïve. More than anything all she wanted to do was get lost in the music.

Reaching her hands out Beth let her fingertips caress the strings of the guitar she had been given for Christmas…mum and Cordelia had picked it out but she knew, somehow she knew that Quinn had also helped. It was perfect. Looking around the now empty room she picked up the guitar and settled in a little seat before beginning to pluck and strum on it.

Her fingers slowly strummed and plucked at the fret of her capo'd guitar...she could do this. "be not so nervous, be n-not s-so frail" the words tumbled from her mouth as she tried to sing...this song might not have been the right choice but she was trying. She was trying and kept strumming and plucking at her guitar while moving on to humming and singing.

aRogueOne · 03-30-2019, 08:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Optimist.Prime

she wasn’t s a d, no that didn’t really cover it. That word was used far too much to describe f e e l i n g s but it didn’t cover her emotions. It wasn’t like anything could cover what made her feel like this…it was almost like the tap had run dry on her emotions. The roller coaster was coasting to a stop. It was almost numbing and all too real.

don’t show it that was what she was doing – not showing her emotions. Not wearing her big ole heart on her sleeves when that, that was what she normally did. Wear her heart on her sleeves like some kind of naïve little thing…she didn’t want to be naïve. More than anything all she wanted to do was get lost in the music.

Reaching her hands out Beth let her fingertips caress the strings of the guitar she had been given for Christmas…mum and Cordelia had picked it out but she knew, somehow she knew that Quinn had also helped. It was perfect. Looking around the now empty room she picked up the guitar and settled in a little seat before beginning to pluck and strum on it.

Her fingers slowly strummed and plucked at the fret of her capo'd guitar...she could do this. "be not so nervous, be n-not s-so frail" the words tumbled from her mouth as she tried to sing...this song might not have been the right choice but she was trying. She was trying and kept strumming and plucking at her guitar while moving on to humming and singing.

Lost. Numb. Those were the only two feeling that he could process right now because everything else was just so much more insignificant. It was like wandering in a dream when you know nothing can really hurt you because everything wasn't actually happening. It’s not real. So what did it really matter if you don’t eat? The marks on your face? It doesn’t hurt because it’s not real. Nope.

The only thing that was real was his desire to be alone and that was easily achieved. Hood up and backpack slunk over his shoulder, he walked alone through the corridors as if on a conveyor belt, heading straight for his usual hiding place. The only place where he knew he could just let loose and no one could blame him because “Music is art”. Ugh.

His feet carrying him automatically, head down, he ambled towards the room only to be stopped in his tracks by the sound of a voice, delicately floating through the crack of a door. Groggily, he fell to the floor as if a sack of potatoes had been dropped. Hitting it with a thud, he sat at the edge of the door, eyes closed. Hearing but not really listening. Grabbing the neck of his ukulele, he started to strum, his hands easily matching the slow, steady strumming. He really didn’t know if the person inside could hear him and he didn’t really care. They could have the room.

itsjustjesse · 03-31-2019, 02:17 AM

Beth wasn’t playing for long when she heard it the thumping sound of someone dropping against the wall…and the music. They probably wanted the room – really, right what would Puck do? The thought almost stung the minute it popped into her head – her shoulders and fingers tensing as she sat there. She wouldn’t be in this situation she knew that was the truth. Puck wouldn’t have ended up being hurt like this…she’d, she’d have set fire to their broom and ended it right then and there when the fight started.

That was what she had to do? She had to live like Puck…right? Live without fear, embrace things as they came, and go out with a B A N G. Taking her guitar in hand she carefully tucked it into its case closing it before simply pulling the leather jacket from her bag. The one Puck had given her for Christmas – she had to start living like her.

Looking the part was step one. Tossing it on and shouldering her guitar she just walked out of the room not really paying attention until she saw it. The head of curls, D A M N cc I T…why did she have to decide to be brave now. She just looked at him for a moment as she squared her shoulders and stood a little taller.

She had grown a few centimeters since she last saw him…that was bad right? She’d not seen her so-called-boyfriends outside of classes in what may have been weeks and hadn’t even sent him a birthday card.

Well, this was going to be fun. ”Jones” was all she said as she gave him a small nod of her head before running her hand against the back of her neck freeing the hair from the collar of her jacket and letting it flip out dramatically. The drama of it was just a plus right now…really, it had been rather itchy. ”you can take the room” was all she deemed to say next before decidedly turning to face the other end of the corridor…she didn’t have anywhere to go but really did she want this conversation now? No, not really…even if she should have had it.

aRogueOne · 03-31-2019, 11:23 AM

Lost in a world of chords and thoughts of a room that comes and goes, Ewan didn’t notice that the mysterious person who occupied the room had stopped playing. No, with his fingers adjusting to the lack of sound in the background to copy, he simply played a different sound, the lyrics quietly flowing from his mouth “Love and hate, how much more are we supposed to tolerate”. It was strange how he’d gone from just pure rage and pain to mind numbing zombie in such a short space of time. It was almost like one of those muggle dentists had hooked him up to mask but without the comical behaviour.

It wasn’t until the door swung open and the person revealed herself did he stop, head slightly tilted, eyes not quite believing. “A-Annabeth?” A wide smile appeared on his face for a fleeting moment “What are you…” only to be replaced the zombie like expressionless face. What was it with this girl and just making him go from one extreme to the next? Mind numbing nothingness to anxiety driven panic attacks, all in the space of a few minutes. Jones? Jones? Oh… “N-no, take the room. You were there first” were the only words that he could seem to muster as he slowly got to his feet, his hands already shaking, the anxiety growing inside him.

Turning his face away quickly, he picked up the mahogany ukulele that his mother had given him and placed it back in his rucksack, the neck still sticking out and let it fall to his side. Was it the shock that it had been her in there or the fact that she was ever so slightly closer to his height that was most surprising? He really couldn’t say but one thing was certain, standing there and talking wasn’t going to help. That was until the she turned to face the other end of the corridor.

Words stuck in his throat, he reached for a second before… his arm dropped.

itsjustjesse · 03-31-2019, 07:36 PM

Beth wasn’t trying to be cold, not really. The thing was that she couldn’t face him, not in the figurative sense of communicating with him…no, she just couldn’t look at his face right now. She did, however, turn her head ever so slightly when he said t h a t name. ”why…? Why do you always call me Annabeth – it’s not even my name.” she asked, not yet even turning to look at him. She knew of course, what Quinn and Cordelia and even Eria had said. ”w h y?” she exaggerated the word, extending it, making it seem longer and more important than its three measly letters.

Finally when he’d asked half of a question, she turned. Slowly, like the somewhat broken lopsided ballerina in her sister’s music box. It was almost as if you could see the robotic tic tic tic of gears just below the surface making her move. ”what am i?...wh-whats with the half sentence?” she finally asked as she seemed to look at him. She wasn’t really.

She was simply focusing in on one of his many freckles on his nose. ”I’m leaving” she muttered, squared her shoulders and continued looking forward at the freckles. Whether she meant the corridor, or the school it wasn’t entirely clear. ”…Ewan? Why is it you always call me Annabeth when my name is Anabeth?” raising her hand she kept going, the words almost flowing freely now. ”honestly…I talked with Quinn and her theory might fit? You don’t actually like me…y-you like the idea of me…because my name just happened to almost be Annabeth Chase your favorite character” as she said the word favorite she couldn’t help but roll her eyes and look at his forehead now. Still, avoiding his eyes. ”I don’t want that,” was all she could say next because she didn’t want that. She didn’t really want to speak much more than what she had already sadi as if she did the flood of words and emotions wouldn’t stop…she didn’t need that.

aRogueOne · 03-31-2019, 09:33 PM

Arm still limbo, half between ‘Anabeth’ half between him, he couldn’t help but frown. Of all the things that she could pick up on, it had to be this one thing didn’t it? And the funny thing was, he’d always been a little self-conscious of his accent when he joined here, what with English being his second language. He’d always spoken Welsh when Dad was around so to switch to speaking English had been a bit of a struggle. Looking away now, a small tinge of red across his face, he mumbled “Oh…well I’m Welsh. In Welsh, the alphabet is different and there are words and letters that mean different things and” Stopping now, he couldn’t help but look away. He couldn’t admit how hard it had been to pronounce words and spells her in his first year to her. Not right now. Not with her angry at him. With a momentous amount of effort, he somehow managed to say the next sentence with no sarcasm or venom behind it. Just a statement. “But I guess if Quinn says that I don’t actually like you and that it’s only because I’ve read a book, well… it must be true” because she was always right and has never lied before. The truth was, he actually didn’t think about the book anymore. Or tried not to anyway. Not after Dad.

Giving his head the smallest of shakes, he turned away. He was done with this situation. Almost done. Stopping, he turned back ever so slightly, a mixture of emotions and feelings fighting to escape. “I just don’t get it. I really don’t” Shaking his head now, he continued “You know, I could honestly give you so many reasons why you mean so much to me but…” The truth was, he really didn’t think it would make a difference.

Taking a deep breath, he walked up to her and stopped a few feet away. “You know, I’m sorry. Sorry that I shouted the other day at you and that I got annoyed because I thought you were leaving” It was almost like someone had opened the flood gates now “And I’m sorry for the way I talked to Cord too. I do really like her, even if she does talk a little rude sometimes”. Taking a deep breath to steady his nerves, he ploughed forward “And most of all, I’m sorry that you think I don’t like you because I really do. You make me smile by just being in the room or not laughing at my jokes and I’m sorry that I never told you how beautiful you are”. He had to finish this soon before the panic crept back “And I’m sorry I have to say goodbye like this” He let those last words sink in for a few seconds, not really knowing if she cared “because I’m leaving and I don’t know if I’ll be back. Or if I’ll see you again” he added at the end, not knowing if she’d end up in Norway or not. “I wrote back to my Aunt. I’m meeting her in London and I don’t know what’s going to happen next” He really didn’t mean to say all of this to her but well, he had to get it off his chest before he left. With one last fleeting smile that stretched from ear to ear, he quickly hugged her for an instant before finally letting his arms drop to his sides. Picking up his bag, he threw it over one shoulder and turned to leave, the goodbye he'd meant to say stuck in his throat.

itsjustjesse · 03-31-2019, 11:40 PM

the tinge of sarcasm and hurt in his voice as he spoke wasn’t missed. Beth just raised an eyebrow at him as he brought up the welsh of it all. ”…wouldn’t it be easier to just call me Beth then than you know putting added inflection on an A that’s soft and more like an Ah?” she asked just looking at him for a moment, but truly she got it. Accents were hard and weird and complicated but luckily, with magic, intention was what was important.

The incantations were just how they channeled it. When t h a t tone came out. Quinn merlin he really seemed to hate her which was troubling to her. She was so like her even to the blood in her bones. ”I’m not as confident as I seem Ewan” Beth admitted her words coming out far smaller than they were meant to be. It was almost like they were a plea.

When he used those words, when he apologized all she could do was blink rapidly to hold back the flood of emotions simmering beneath the surface. ”You stopped listening when the letter was brought up – it…I didn’t mean to hurt you” she spoke softly almost in a whisper. Beth’s eyebrow raised a little, her eyebrows knitting together just slightly. ”y-you like her?” there it was that irrational little fear caused by her sister’s part-veela status. It was always sort of there just below the surface in any conversation with her. Everyone liked Cordelia that was just how it was…everyone. Looking at the ceiling for a moment she steadied her nerves before looking back at him, this time she looked at him in the eyes ready to face everything. Even if she thought it were doomed, even if she always thought relationships were doomed. That was all she really knew, the only stable one she knew of was her cousin Pucks’…she didn’t have anything to really look up to as a healthy relationship as the healthiest relationship she knew was dysfunctional in its own right.

Biting down on the edge of her lip she just listened as well as she could as her irrational fears began to run through her head. She was like a sweater coming undone at the seams, all of her little barriers, everything she had built to protect herself from the start of this was crumbling. Sure, she had been wrong about him – but that wasn’t it. Her fear wasn’t letting her see it, her fear that everyone would be like the fathers she had heard of – the one she knew her own flesh and blood had been. ”It’s not that I don’t think you like me – I don’t understand it.” she spoke up, her voice raising in inflection at the end like she were asking a question. ”its…it’s that I don’t trust people easily” she paused her eyes flicking back and forth across his face as she tried to read what emotions were there.

Oh. It was over wasn’t it? He was leaving. Even if she felt some relief that he had contacted his aunt she didn’t want to leave things here he was leaving she thought as she started to bite the edge of her bottom lip. She didn’t do that often, only really when she thought the pain of biting it would stop her from expressing too much, from being too real and scaring people off. ”I don’t want to lose you, or…to lose your friendship” she finally almost whispered out just as he hugged her. ”Ewan…I don’t now h-how I make you happy, I don’t even think I’m real…I don’t know if I like myself even?” she admitted letting the words fall where they would. Sure, she had her issues, every fourteen year old girl did.

”wait” she called out the little plea as he started to turn to leave, her hand reaching toward him. ”I’m sorry, for everything…for all of this – for hurting you…for, being stubborn and not talking to you…b-but I’m happy that you talked to your aunt.” she looked down at the ground for a moment even as she reached forward and linked a finger through a strap on his bag hoping to hold him back for a moment. ”I’m…I’m probably going to go to Norway, but I wasn’t telling you not to go the last time – I just. I don’t want you to do something just because of me when you have better options, stable options…” options that probably honestly loved themselves.

aRogueOne · 04-01-2019, 10:43 AM

Ewan could see the understanding dawn on her face like the rise of the sun. Sometimes people forget that he was in fact Welsh. Funny. Although he had to admit, she had a good point “I guess but honestly, we didn’t get on when we first met? I just called you ‘Anabeth’ because I knew it would annoy you and it kind of just stuck in my head”. He couldn’t help but give a small smile now, his mind wandering to back to the time of popcorn steeling and nicknames. The light red tinges on his face calming to that of a roses kiss as his relief and embarrassment subsided.

He really did think that he’d done a good job in hiding all of his anger when he’d spoken about Quinn but apparently not. What did he care anyway, he had no intention of going near the meddling girl anyway. Ewan had to admit, even he could hear the plea in her voice now. Somewhat unnerving. “What do you mean?” confusion on his face “confident?” He really had no idea what she was talking about here. Were they talking about Quinn or her? Or was to talk about one talking about the other too?

Taking a deep breath, Ewan looked down, his mind taking him back to the kitchen and their argument. He really didn’t mean to lose his cool but the weight of emotions that flooded out of him when he’d found out about the letter was just too much. With an audible sigh of exasperation, he looked up at her now. Yes. He liked Cord AS A FRIEND! Spending time with that person in a common room does that. “Am I not supposed to get along with her? Because I can hate her too you know?” a playful smile across his face now. Something that hadn’t happened in what seemed like forever. He could joke about this because the idea that he felt anything more than friendship for Cord was just ridiculous. “Me and Cord are/were friends? At least, until we argued in the kitchen” because truth be told, he’d avoided her just as much as he did with Beth these days.

Ewan could feel a weight being lifted from his chest the more he talked to ‘Beth’, the weight of keeping in everything he’d wanted to say over the last few weeks finally being released. Even though he had to watch her unravel at the seams, which was more upsetting than she could ever know, he had to tell her how he felt. How she made him feel and most importantly, why he had to leave no matter how much he wanted to go with her. This became clear when she spoke what he’d always known. Her shattered view on love and trust. She didn’t understand it. “You could have trusted me” he whispered now, a small voice in his head telling him just to forget his family and just go with her because she needed him. But it was over. He couldn’t go with her and he couldn’t be the one to mend her. “I would have come with you” he added in a gentle voice, his hand twitching at his side now, desperate to grab her and stop her from gnawing off her bottom lip. “You didn’t have to lose me ‘Beth’. It didn’t have to go like this”.

His bag was over his shoulder. He had turned and walked away. He’d done it. He’d held it together long enough to keep the shivering sweat and nauseous feeling a secret. The fleeting smile that had been on his face already turning into one of pain as he moved a few steps away, only to be called back. Turning now, the pain still etched on his face, eyes down on the floor, he listened as she said she was sorry. Reaching out, he grabbed her hand that was linked to his strap and gave it a small gentle squeeze “I know ‘Beth’, I always knew you were going as soon as you mentioned the letter” a look of acceptance on his face as he finally looked up at her. Pulling her hand closer to his mouth, he have it a light kiss before letting it drop “I know it’s not an option. Not now. But I would have come. I would have put you first”.

itsjustjesse · 04-02-2019, 02:33 AM

Beth raise an eyebrow at Ewan when he mentioned calling her Annabeth to bug her. If this were a different conversation she would have laughed, but right now everything was overly emotional. ”Ewan, it did bug me…yeah, but I ignored it because I could t e l l that you were trying to annoy me, its…its why I ignored it for the longest time…three years of ignoring something is tough work” she admitted with a small smile. It wasn’t really a true smile, it was just the smallest symbol of her own pride – she was proud of course of the fact that she had ignored the irritation for years. To her, that showed a little bit of her own inner strength, her resolve. Still, the way he had said the name seemed a little hurtful still, but she wasn’t going to say anything now. He was hurting, he was probably hurting – who knew what he was feeling really.

What did she mean, that question just made her freeze for a moment as she stood there, her hand still linked in the strap of his bag. ”Ewan…I mean with me? It’s hard being confident and trusting relationships wh-when your sister is part veela” she explained and felt her own stress disappearing as she spoke. ”I’ve…got issues with self-confidence,” she admitted with a small quite sad half smile. When he asked her about if he was supposed to not get along with Cordelia she just frowned, that wasn’t what she had meant at all. ”you don’t…” she paused when he went on saying that he could hate Cordelia.

Ewan’s little smile just made her sigh…”I’m sorry I had a hard time – it’s not that I don’t trust you…it’s just hard with knowing she has powers” she admitted with a small look. ”I’m sure you’re still friends.” it probably wasn’t like Cordelia hadn’t been avoiding him too, she was like that.

When he said those words, she just nodded in understanding. It wasn’t earth shattering, it was almost numbing really. Still, his almost whispered words just made her sigh, she could have trusted him. She didn’t really trust herself, it wasn’t really about him. ”its not about you Ewan, really, its…its probably that I wasn’t actually ready” she admitted with a small sigh. ”I…I didn’t want you to do something just for me” she admitted with a small broken smile. When he took her hand and squeezed it she just sighed, and gave him a quiet cold smile. ”Ewan, I’m sorry.” she said the words again as he dropped her hand before just looking over to him again, ”we-we’re still friends right? I just, I don’t want to lose you as a friend.” she admitted as she looked down at the ground, afraid to look at his face if they weren’t friends. If he wanted nothing to do with her ever again.

aRogueOne · 04-02-2019, 08:21 PM

Well if truth be told, he simply didn’t really care back then. Not when they’d first met and certainly not at the end of his first year. Sure he hadn’t really meant for her to get upset about it because it seemed harmless to him but then again, she’d been in on Quinn’s ‘trick’ in the first year so… With a small sigh, he answered “Look I’m sorry okay?” an air of just exhaustion about him now. “I’ll just call you Beth from now on” although that didn’t really matter because he’d be gone soon and so would she.

“I guess. I just mean, if someone kisses you and tells you how much they mean to you, generally that means they want you?” his face starting to show small cracks now he tried to hold back the emotional tsunami that was inside him. “And I’ve never lied to you so…” he added at the end, something that she couldn’t say back to him. He knew he didn’t have to hate Cordelia and that they were both still friends but making jokes was what he did. She knew that or did she?

Deep down, he always knew the both of them together were like… hot and cold? Snow and fire? Opposites. It was a big ask to make them work but he would have tried. But not now. “I know it’s not about me Beth” he replied with a small sigh. With almost a resigned expression on his face, he tuned for the final time to leave “I… maybe Beth. Something, they just can’t be undone”. Could he go back to the way things were? No. He couldn’t. “You’re leaving. I’m leaving. I… how can we still be friends?” They would literally be on different continents and would be living different lives. "Just send me an owl or use your mirror" he added slightly reluctantly.

And without another word, turned for the last time and left, closing the door behind him, not knowing when or if he'd see her again.

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