"I'll miss you too." While the expression was heartfelt and completely true, there was a great sense of sadness beyond the separation to it. And it revolved around a question he didn't want to ask. A topic he didn't want to touch. It was likely she was thinking of it too, but how to bring it up was like trying to bring up what to do if the sun died, knowing it would die.

Fear kept her from bringing up the topic they were both thinking about, fear of how the conversation would end. And so long as he wouldn't bring it up, neither would she. Arya planned on avoiding the topic til the end of summer when they truly had to go their separate ways, until the winter holiday brought them back together again. "Your gonna need an owl so you can write me."

A weak chuckle left Sabel as he nodded his head against hers. "I suppose that would be a good idea. Save me money on post office service." Perhaps he would have to look into it. "Would you prefer seeing an Owl personally from me, rather than one from the Owlery?" He knew what he was insinuating, that it was the same as what he hoped for, and maybe such a question shouldn't have been forwarded until they had discussed that topic. But he didn't want to speak of the other topic, and this seemed to be the better alternative.

A small smile spread across her face, and she cracked her eyes open to peek up at him, or what she could see of him from being nestled under his head. "And you would have another pet." Obviously a plus. She didn't need to think about the question. "An owl personally from you. That way when I'm looking for the owl in the sky, I'll know who I'm looking for." And she could spoil his owl like she did her own.

A small smile touched his lips before fading a little. He hadn't told her yet. And in truth, he didn't know how she would react. "I....." Bitting his bottom lip he tried to figure out the best organization of his words. "I'm giving Merlin to Lexi..."

It took a moment for his words to sink in, for her to full comprehend them, and when she did a deep frown settled into her features full of mixed emotions. "You..." Sitting up she gave her head a good shake, because none of what he said made any sense, and looked him in the eyes. "What do you mean your 'giving Merlin to Lexi'? Why would you do that?"

A slow breath left him as he let his arms relax, slipping lightly onto her legs. "Because I can't take him with me." It was an effort to keep the pain of the knowledge from his voice, and he had to swallow hard to dislodge the lump in his throat. "When I find a place they probably won't let me keep him in the home. And I don't know where I'll be; how long I'll be gone from home each day. Or if I'll be put on placement halfway across the country. He needs someone at home, he needs people around him. And I won't be able to give him that."

To say he was getting upset was a bit of an understatement. It wasn't like he wanted to get rid of his best feline friend. But it was the best choice he could make.

She hated everything he was saying, hated hearing it and hated how it replayed itself like a painful memory in her mind. Holding in everything, every word that threatened to spill out along with the emotions boiling beneath, she turned her head so that he was out of her sight. Not only did she not like the thought of him being halfway across the country, she hated the thought of Merlin still running around the castle.

And more than anything she hated the thought that he was now Lexi's. It all had her filled with an anger and pain she was barely able to contain.

He had done it. She didn't need to say anything to tell him how much he had hurt her. And the most painful part; he wasn't even sure how.

His hands slipped from her legs in a defeated sort of gesture, his head dropping back against the stone with an audible thud. Even his voice was exhausted as he watched her from a point of complete vulnerability. "What?" If he was going to get hit, he may as well get hit with all of it.

"...You didn't even try," her head hung low as she gave it a small shake, still keeping him out of her line of vision. "You could have tried to make it work before just giving him away...could've tried to find a place that would allow you to keep him or something." Her voice was strained and held more pain than she wished to show.

A small part of her knew that he wasn't giving up on Merlin, that he was doing what he thought best for the feline he loved dearly. But a bigger part of her couldn't help but feel like he WAS giving up on Merlin, all because he didn't fit into his new life. And if he wasn't willing to fight for Merlin, if he was capable of tossing aside the creature that had been by his side for the past four terms, then what else would he let go of? WHO else would he cut from his new life?

"And you didn't have to give Merlin to her." Frustrated, she blinked back unshed tears. Merlin belonging to Lexi now bothered her more than she was willing to admit to him or herself, and she was too distracted by other thoughts to even put much thought into it. "I don't want to see Merlin running around the castle." Not without him she didn't. "I have enough things to remind me of your absence next term, I don't need another one." Certainly not one she cared for almost as much as she cared for him.

Sabel sort of just stared at her. Agony and anger welled up in his gut, spreading like wildfire throughout his entire being. He couldn't move or speak for a good few minutes, numbed completely by the pain. When he finally found the strength, he untangled himself from Arya and slipped off the windowsill, walking a few feet away before stopping.

Running his hand back through his hair, he let out a slow, shaky breath. The last thing he wanted to do was fight with Arya. The last thing he ever wanted to do was to hurt her, in any way. But here he was, hurting her, and here she was, killing him.

Slowly, he turned back around to face her, his expression a mixture of extreme pain and anger. "I would have thought, seeing something of me, to remind you of me, would bring some sort of comfort. Some sort of happiness. You would rather I disappear off the face of the earth? That I leave you or Lexi nothing to be remembered by? Would that be easier, Arya? If seeing one of the things I care about most is so painful to you, is so painful a memory, why keep anything from me? Why even look at me now? Even more, if you are afraid of reminders, how are you going to look at the thing I care about most? How are you going to look at yourself?"

He could feel the tears running down his cheeks, burning them with the hot pain of the situation. "I am trying so damn hard to be strong for you. To be strong for Lexi. Hell, to even do the right thing for my own cat, for a creature I would consider akin to my brother. And all you can do is hit me down for it. All you can throw at me is jealousy and loathing. Do you not understand how bloody hard this is for me!?"

Bitting his bottom lip, he shook his head. He could feel his hands trembling furiously with the nerves, his voice quivering with the strain of fear. "If you didn't want memories Arya, if you don't want to see things to remember me by, then why? Why did you let this go on so long? Why didn't you just say so?" More tears fell from his cheeks as he stared at her helplessly, feeling as if his whole world was breaking again. "Why did you even say yes to me? I would have let you go, because I love you."

A hard swallow had his voice drop to nothing more than an agonized whisper. He felt like he was going to vomit. Like he would collapse at any given moment his body trembled so much. "You didn't have to say yes."

She didn't turn to look at him when she'd finished, didn't want to see the pain on his face. And so she let the silence grow between them. When he finally did move, it'd caught her by surprise, and her eyes finally did turn to him, the hurt in them evident as she watched him stalk off only to stop a few feet away.

When he started to speak, when each word started tearing her apart, she scooted to the back of the windowsill, tears streaming down her face in both pain and anger. It all but killed her to sit there and listen to what he had to say, to not just run off to the common room where she didn't have to worry about seeing him. But her own words that screamed to be released had her staying put.

"You were wrong. He won't bring me any happiness or comfort." Shaking her head, she looked at him through blurry eyes with a bit of disbelief mixed in with the hurt and pain. "You think I want to see him running around and know that you won't be following behind like you always have? Like you never will again? I can take pictures and jewelry and everything else I have of you, but I don't think I can take seeing him without you." She wasn't even sure she could take the material items.

She pushed back a few loose strands of hair, not bothering with the tears that never ceased as she choked back a sob, eyes averting downward to some absent spot on the windowsill. "I never asked you to be strong for me, I never wanted you too. I just wanted you to be mine." And for her to be his. "Do you know how hard it is for me? How much I hate all of this? Just because I get to stay, doesn't make it any easier."

"I'd have memories, whether we did this or not, I'd have them. I've always had them, and I don't regret any of them." She pulled her legs to her chest, wrapping her arms around them as she rested her chin on her knees. Her words came out unnaturally calm, despite all her pain, anger, and tears. "I don't know why I said yes, I guess... I guess I just really liked you. And I still do." More than she had admitted to. "I wanted to say yes," she shrugged her shoulders lightly, more tears spilling over. "I would have regretted saying no."

As much as he wanted to go over to her, to comfort her, he couldn't. The pain and the fear and the anger had his body rooted, while at the same time ready to simply give in and shut down. He honestly didn't know what to say to her in response, what he was supposed to do or change when he was trying his hardest to do what was right.

A weak, defeated shrug left his shoulders, matching the agonized expression on his face. "And now. Do you regret it?" Another pained shrug of his shoulder. "Would it be easier that when I leave, I leave for good? Disappear from your life for forever? Would that...ease the pain?" It would kill him, but if that was what she wanted, she wouldn't see him again.

She gave her head a small shake before turning it so her cheek rested on her knees, wiping a few tears away in the process. "No, I don't regret one bit of it." She wasn't sure he'd heard her what with how quiet her voice was, but the fatigue that was following the pain and anger she was holding kept her from repeating herself.

Choking back a sob, she bit down on her bottom lip to keep it from wibbling, to contain the new pain he'd drawn from her. Only once she'd gotten herself a bit more composed, did she speak through the pain. "No... it'd rip my heart out." Even now, just the thought of never seeing him again was tearing her apart. "Do you not want to do this any more? Will it be too hard for you to do this while working?" Would he not be able to make time for her when he was in the ITF?

Through the tears, he watched her, falling once again into silence. When he finally did speak, his voice came quiet and unsteady. "I never...want to give you up."

Something akin to shame and worthlessness had his head dipping and his eyes finding the ground, a furrow running across his brow. "I just...don't want to hold you back, in your life, in any way. Thought....thought maybe you would find someone better. Someone that wouldn't...hurt you so much." Someone that wouldn't make her cry. He hated making her cry.

A small part of her was relieved to hear that he wasn't letting her go, that he wouldn't let her go. Though it wasn't enough to stop the tears or make the pain go away. Her own voice, while quiet, still held all the pain she was feeling.

"There's no one better than you... no one that even comes close." She still couldn't look at him, couldn't lift her head off her knees as a small frown crossed her forlorn features. A weak shrug rolled off her shoulders. "You don't always hurt me you know, you mostly make me happy, and that's why I love being with you.... why I love being yours." It was possible she loved him too, but now wasn't the time to admit that.

Mostly. Not always. His brow furrowed even more, his eyes never leaving the ground. "That's...not good enough." It took him a moment to realize how those words might sound, and when he did he gave his head a rather firm shake. "I shouldn't hurt you. Ever. It shouldn't be 'not always'. It should be never." And the worst part, he didn't know what he was supposed to change in order to not hurt her.

Letting out a somewhat defeated sigh at his words, she took a moment to rub her eyes across her knees, wiping away what tears she could, a pointless task seeing how she still had yet to stop crying.

Titling her head up, she let out another sigh as she took in his sullen feature, her heart breaking again. "Sabel... come here?" Please?

He hesitated a long moment before his legs seemed to move of their own accord. Slowly, he moved over to her, stopping at the edge of the window sill. He still didn't look up at her, the tears running freely down his cheeks as he stared at the old stone ledge. He had to do better, and yet he was doing the best he knew how.

She watched him as slowly moved over to her, waiting a moment to see if he would move any closer before she shuffled from her position to the edge of the windowsill. Once in front of him, she rose to her knees on the sill and gently cupped his cheeks, using her thumbs to wipe away his tears and ignoring her own. "When I said mostly, I meant always. I'm always happier when I'm with you." Even now, she was happier than what she would have been had he walked away.

"Stop beating yourself up for when I get hurt, it's bound to happen ever now and again, and I'll never hate you for it. I could never hate you for anything." Putting on a smile seemed near impossible, so instead she did all she could do, wipe away his tears and kiss him gently on the forehead.

As soon as her fingers touched his cheeks, he felt ready to break, the tears coming more freely, his hands shaking at his sides. He wanted to speak, to tell her that she deserved someone better than him. That she deserved the best and then so much more. But his words were caught in his throat as she placed a kiss on his forehead.

And then he did break.

All the pain, all the fear he had been harboring came rushing forward in a nauseating wave that drew a small whimper of agony from him. His hands came up to lightly hold onto hers, shaking furiously with the nerves as he bowed his head.

She hadn't expected him to break, hadn't meant to break him, only raise his spirits. So when he did it came as more than a surprise to Arya. The whimper had her planting another kiss on his forehead, her hands working harder yet still gently to remove the tears from his face.

Taking hold of his hands when the came up, she pulled them down and wrapped them around her waist, her own arms snaking around him to draw him close. She didn't know what else to say or do, but hold him and cry silently.

He didn't resist her guidance, didn't want to try and fight it. When she wrapped his arms around her, and hers around him, he couldn't help but respond.

There was something akin to a sudden switch, a snap that had his own pain disregarded and his concern flaring. In an instant he had gone from agony to a protectiveness he could not quell. It had him holding her close, rubbing her back in an attempt to comfort her, his own tears slowing, fading gradually as his pain was sidelined.

She didn't know when the roles of comforter had changed, when it was no longer about him and all about her. All she did know was that when they did switch, she held onto him tighter and let her tears flow more freely as she buried her face into his shoulder.

It was a few minutes before her tears slowed, and she relaxed her hold on him a bit. Letting a quiet apology slip past her lips, she did her best to stop the few tears that continued to spill from her eyes.

When Arya broke down, he could only hold her tighter, rub her back a little more and whisper quiet apologies to her, wanting nothing more than to make her pain go away. Pain he had caused. Gentleness came from him to cover her as a brutal self-loathing admonished himself internally.

He held her until she quieted, and then he relaxed his grip only slightly, sliding down onto his knees so he could look up at her. One arm remained wrapped about her, the other hand reaching up and gently wiping her tears away.