Caroline froze as the second year did a strange little jump and pat ritual on her head.

Okay, first time for everything. Gasp! Wait. A. Second.

"The water is rising?" she asked.

Oh no. Not again. This is Karmic Retribution. I only failed one test. Ever. In my life. WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME RELIVE IT?!

"Yehhhh," Varius said slowly, thinking the Professor hadn't hear him the first time and may be a bit... *whispers* slow *whispers*. "But don't worry, Professor Lawson and Truebridge are ALLLLL over it," he assured her, plonking his backside on the ground and leaning against the statue of lankiness.

"But if you didn't know... what'cha looking all stressed about? Is it because your clothes aren't 'in' right now? I heard Professor Bunbury worries about that all the time... she's some fashion diva or something. Hey! Do you think she could be a model? I'm sure people would LOVE her redhair. Maybe we could recommend her for a programme or something? Do they do that sort of thing? Hmmm."

Oh... Nostril Flare.

"Varius isn't it? Yes?" Caroline asked, "never heard of vintage clothing? As for Anastasia Bunbury she is a perfect model of -" No... bad idea. Don't speak ill of your colleagues to the students. Even if she is a perfect model of a horse's manure factory.

"And just what do you mean Ethan - Professor Truebridge and Lawson are on in it?" Nononononono. Not good. What if they get hurt? - Or rather, what if Ethan gets hurt, because Marcus could sink with the rest of the bottom feeders for all she cared.

Was that a booger he could see in those flaring nostrils, hmmm?

"Yes, Miss. Varius Tipps," he informed her. "Vintage? Isn't that like... really old? Are you old? I thought you were like twenty... wow! Those healers in the plastic department did a BANG UP job on you Miss. I hope you feel it's worth every galleon - it sure looks it!"

"Well... I mean they're on it, Miss. I mean not LITERALLY on it, but trying to solve the problem. I helped! I got the boys out of the dorms," he beamed, thinking she would be so proud of him, "Although the water STUNK! Those huffie girls need to learn how to wash!"

She. Did Not. Have boogers. Handkerchief wipe. Anymore. Eeewie.

Eye roll. "I'm twenty-five, Mr Tipps. My dress is from the nineteen fiftees. Though I appreciate your attempted praise."

Oh now it was a dilemma, did she go hide in the Astronomy tower as far as she could feasibly get from the water? Or go actually do her job?

Mass Casualty Emergency Training. She's got this. So help her if the Hufflepuffs didn't have the sense to get out of their Common Room by their own power there was GOING to be Mass Casulties. Not flood related though.

"That's very... enlightening, Mr Tipps. Thank you. How high was the water when you left your common room?" she asked.

"Twenty five? Geez miss, no need to lie for my sake. I promise I won't tell anyone your like," he tried counting how far back the 1950's were, "Over one hundred." His eyes widened, really wanting to touch her face to see HOW they had done it, "You know Kazi is old like that too... maybe if you gave him the name of your Healer... and you two could maybe... ya know - go out? I mean, miss, I've been reading Aparecium and Professor Lawson just doesn't seem worth it! He'll be much more interested in the younger Professor's like Bunbury."

He thought for a moment, "Besides, Professor Kazimeriz! He's a catch. Smart. Intelligent. Bit bossy. But back in those days all men were. But, you seem strong enough to stand up for yourself. I could hitch it up! Maybe you could OWL aparecium and ask him over that? LIKE AN ENGAGEMENT! OMGAWSH! Can I wed you? PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE."

She was talking about the height of the water in the middle of her future! Did she want to be single for her few remaining years? Let's face it, not a lot of people survived to be over one hundred. Kneeling in front of her, he poked just above her ankles, "About there i'd say miss."

This kid is clearly insane. She needed to take him in for Observation. Kazemiz why couldn't she get awa- "EXCUSE ME? Aparecium? WHAT about Aparecium?" Cari latched on to the one word that was important to her and the one word that sent her temper soaring. " And JUST WHAT is written about me in Aparecium NOW?"

"Oh," Varius squeaked. Clearly the Nurse DID actually know what aparecium was and HAD read some of it. He wished he hadn't said anything now, "Well," he removed a blank parchment from his pocket and tapped it with his wand, "That's an article on some students getting engaged... BORING. That'll be you soon though." He tapped it again and up flashed an article on some rockstar person, "Nope," tapping another couple of times came up a Hera-written article.

"Here we go," he moved in front of the Professor slightly for her to read over his shoulder, "See here, Hera mentions you and Lawson. There is also one," another couple of taps, "That says you are trying to posion him... out of jealousy I suppose miss? But, that really isn't the way to go. Stick with men your own age," he patted her gently and sympathetically on her shoulder.

ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME?

Caroline snatched up the parchements form Varius' hands, hands trembling with barely controlled rage. Marcus SAID WHAT?

"There is no 'me and Lawson,'" she snarled.

There will be no Lawson. I'm gong to kill him. He can drown. I don't care. He ceases to exist.

Kazimeriz, on his way up to the owlery, managed to get up the flight of stairs just in time to catch Caroline's sharp, melodius voice.

Lawson... I knew it. She HAS been pulled into a conspiracy with the traitorous cad... Kazimeriz's eyes narrowed as he glanced at the two in conversation. Cari was speaking with Mr. Tipps... about Lawson? Was Tipps in on it too? But perhaps it was not too late. Cari had been an ally once... perhaps he could win her over once again. Perhaps she was just mad over... well, over how things had worked out.

"Tipps." he said gruffly as he gimped over to Caroline. Shall I address her as Miss Avalon? No... Best not to remind her of old wounds. "Cari. " he said gently, his ancient lips pulling into a tiny, respectful smile as he bowed slightly. "May I have a word with you, please?"

Sweet as pie.

"I know, I know," he patted her shoulder some more, mistaking her denial as an upsetting realisation. "It'll get better i'm sure... plenty more fish in the sea. No need to worry about you and Lawson."

Speaking of fish. Kazimeriz came hobbling along in all his oldness. "Professor Kazimeriz!" Varius greeted, delighted to see the old man, "I hope you have been putting the tictacs to good use?" He hoped so! No way was he going to be impressing the Nurse if his breath stunk! "Me and Nurse Avalon were just talking about you. Did you know she's over a hundred too?"

Oh great. Varius Tipps. Mad student, and Valon Kazimeriz, crotchety old madman. She was trapped in a Crazy!sandwich. Fabulous.

On the other hand... no one sniffed out conspiracies (or imagined them) like Professor Kazimeriz, and he certainly in struck fear in the hearts of most sane students. *cough* Varius. *cough*

"Varius was talking about you. I THINK he might have been confunded. He seems to think my style of dress is a nod to my year of birth, which would actually make me a decade or so older than you, if I'm not mistaken," Cari explained dryly. "Or he was dropped on his head as a child. One seems as likely as the other. Is there something I can help you with, Professor?"

Be nice to the crazy old man, and he might be nice to you. Maybe he'll curse Marcus for you. You can't do it yourself, people will talk.

Can't have that.

Kazimeriz raised an eyebrow, bemused. "Ah... Cari. Dear, sweet Cari. It is alright, you do not have to pretend for my sake. I understand... you needed a confidant, so you have been sharing our secret with Mr. Tipps." He nodded. " Well, I certainly hope that you can keep a secret, Tipps. There will be quite a price to pay if you cannot hold your tongue." Kazimeriz looked from Tipps and back to Cari. He moved closer to her, looking down to her and leaning in as he softly spoke. "Cari. We should speak. I am sure you are hurt- perhaps angry- and I am truly sorry for what happened... but there is no need to take up with Lawson to... to try to hurt me. I am sorry." He reached his ancient, arthritic, liver-spotted hand out to her cheek, touching it gently.

Oh. My. Merlin. Wha!?? What was he SEEEEEEEEEEING!? HIS EYES! Old people! Getting alllllllll invasive of personal bubbles. *insert metaphorical barfing here*. Watching this all unfold, Varius jaw dropped with every second that passed, his owl to aparecium writing itself frantically in his head. "IMSUCHAGOODMATCHMAKER! You two are awesome together!!! Professor Kazimeriz! Nurse Avalon has the name of a Healer who did all her plastics work, maybe you should invest in getting some too?"

He was so excited... but incredibly grossed out...

"Mr Tipps!" Cari snapped, drawing her wand, "Will you kindly HOLD YOUR TONGUE, before I hold it FOR YOU!"

She backed away in two large steps from Kazimeriz. "As for you, were you also recently dropped on your head professor?" she whispered. "I mean this not as a slight but out of geniune professional concern. I'm quite sure I do NOT know what you are talking about, but there is a matter that I wish to speak with you about, namely these." Caroline held out the Aparecium parchments as a barrier for the insane professor to see.

SPOILER!!: uh oh!

"There's at least one more of them that I've seen," she added grimly, "and Mr Tipps informs me that there are more."

Theo was lost. He knew how to get everywhere from the dungeons. Everything was straight up. Now he didn't know how to get to Divination. He saw two teachers talking, and that weird head rubbing boy, that he had only seen at a distance.

They seemed in an intense discussion, and Theo didn't want to be rude and interupt them. So he just stood and waited.

Oh, yeah. That's my Cari. Kazimeriz chuckled to himself. He couldn't help it... she was so sharp-tongued. It took him back to the days of yore.

"If it makes you feel better, Cari, I shall continue to play along."
Kazimeriz read over the parchment and chuckled again. "Tarty intern..." he muttered, snickering a little. That must be driving her mad.

Then he read on. Her name, mingled with that of Lawson... even the student's tongues were apparently wagging. It was absolutely deplorable.

"Overlooking- for the moment- the veracity of these parchments... Just where did you get this, Mr. Tipps?" Kazimeriz raised an eyebrow. "For I am certain Car- Miss Avalon disapproves of having her personal business aired out like dirty laundry for the entertainment of the students, so the source needs to be found and dealt with harshly."

"Though of course, if you weren't consorting with a man like Lawson to begin with, none of this would be an issue." he added reproachfully to Cari.

Kazimeriz noticed the wand-painter, the simple Newtington boy ogling them. "Do you need something, Newtington?" he snarled.

Theo nodded to himself. Yep it was a major problem here. He wasn't sure about what was going on, but it involved the Aparecium parchments. They were funny. He was mentioned twice. It said that he was with Paris. Which was true. They had been on a date and everything. "Yes Sir," he replied. Well he did need something.

"Well?" Kazimeriz asked impatiently. He was a busy man, dealing with important issues. The child had better have a good reason to interrupt this discussion with Caroline.

"Well what, Sir?" Theo asked. Was he meant to tell the Professor what he wanted here? Well, was such an ambiguous question. Could mean are you well? Or it could mean where is the well? Could mean many things. "I am well Sir."

Now that the awkward, weird, gross, old people moment was over-with, Professor Kazimeriz was overlooking the Aparecium parchment. He hoped that he wasn't going to get into trouble by simply possessing one. "I.. just found it, sir. There was a couple in the Herbology class and I suppose they have been floating about everywhere. They're supposed to update automatically when new gossip is reported. Unfortunately, Nurse Avalon appears to have found her way in there... a few times."

Kazimeriz rolled his eyes. "I am unwilling to get into a battle of wits with the unarmed. You have until I count to 10 to get out of my sight or it's detention, Newtington. Two. Four..."

"The source must be found and stopped for the sake of decency and respect to the ladies-- the mistresses of this school." Hrm, in this context that didn't sound right. But whatever. "I will take this up with the Headmaster at once; in the meantime, you must burn any you find and instruct your classmates to do likewise. It is disrespectful and slanderous." Though useful.

"But I'm not unarmed Sir," he smiled. He pulled his wand out of his robes, "See here is my wand. I could totally disarm you." He was proud that he could do that. Wait, what? A detention. He only had 6 more to go til ten. But Kazi had missed out 1 and 3. That wasn't fair. "Sir. Numbers start with one. My mummy told me that."

"Five points for cheek, Newtington. Six. Eight..." Kazimeriz glared at the boy. He was giving him every chance to get gone. Being reasonable, even kind.

"B..b....b..but," Theo wimpered. He had lost house points. His bottom lip wobbled. He hadn't done anything wrong, and had lost points for it. A little tear formed in the side of his eye. "I was telling you how my mummy told me to count."