"Clarity... that would be so nice." she smiled ruefully. " I'm a mess of confusion and stress lately on every level-- I relate all too well to sleeping problems, in fact I can't sleep at all, except if I sneak up to the roof of the observatory. And today-- I swear someone has slipped me a delirium draught. I lost my mind-- the things I've done... my behaviour... if you knew... " she shook her head. "I am not proud of this day."

"And please -- stop apologizing to me? You've done nothing to warrant it. If anything, it's the other way around." she smiled, tilting her head. "Please."

"Oh...alright! If I must...you've begged me." He rolled his eyes in a playful manner.

"What is it you think you have done that has so misstepped your footing, if I may ask?" He wanted to hear where she was coming from.

She hesitated, and squeezed his hand gently, biting her lip. "Promise me you won't judge me too harshly? I mean... I haven't killed kittens or anything... but -- in some ways maybe it's worse..."

Claudian shook his head. "Judge you too harshly?" He raised one of his eyebrows and smiled. "How could I do that? If you're afraid you,...really don't have to tell me. I mean, I'd like to know, but, in the end, it's your secret to share or not to share, isn't it."

"No... I want to. " she nodded as though trying to convince herself of this. "I want to always be honest with you."

She sighed. "So-- today. First, I flunked arithmancy. Then, I helped Trel to break into the professors' offices to hang decorations and leave gifts... good intentions, but a bad act... Then, I went to distract Professor Erikson, so she could decorate his office. In the course of things, he made a joke that I completely misconstrued... so I ended up confronting Professor Blaylock asking of all things if she was my biological mother-- it sounds absolutely ludicrous now, but at the moment it made all the sense in the world to me... She was kind, but I was humiliated to the core."

She cringed. The really hard part. "It gets worse... Josh asked to see me... to try to convince me again to be with him. He knows where my heart lies, and he just-- I don't know, on the heels of the rest of the day he made me wonder if maybe I'm misunderstanding everything, and I feel terrible for casting him aside without a chance, in favour of someone... who maybe doesn't want me at all and never will.... when he's been so kind to me, so patient... Is it my fault for not feeling for him as I do for you? And so... " she took a deep breath, terrified to confess, but compelled to do so.

"I kissed him. I shouldn't have; it was a mistake. And I felt terrible the instant I did it, and I apologized to him immediately... I don't want to mislead him, or hurt him in any way-- in fact, it's because he was hurting so badly that I did it. My friend is hurting and it's my fault... I'm grateful that he cares, and I thought maybe he'd feel differently if I did it -- lke it would feel wrong and end his feelings? I don't know. I don't know what I was thinking. "

She blinked back tears, determined not to cry. "Of course, I'm probably making the greatest mistake of all right now in telling you all this. But I feel as though I owe you an apology, like it was a betrayl in some way... is that ridiculous? It's not as though you've claimed me, or promised me anything... but after what you said to me in the duelling club... but then, it was back to being invisible and I thought maybe I misunderstood you after all and... now, telling you this..." She choked back tears, determined to keep control. "I'm so afraid I'll lose your respect, and I won't even be able to earn your friendship-- much less anything else-- and that is so important to me... But... I could never hide a thing from you... I have to be truthful." She sighed deeply. "Clarity. I do lack clarity. And perhaps sanity."

She hung her head in shame. "I'm so sorry. I hope you don't think I'm a terrible person. "

"Alright." Slughorn had a soft smile as he prepared himself to listen to her, giving her hand one last squeeze.


"I find Professor Blaylock to be very...accommodating." He smiled at her reassuringly. This wasn't a pristine week, but it might be one of those things that, with time, she'd be able to forgive herself for. She needed to be more forgiving on herself as it was, in his opinion. He loosened his grip on her hand and placed it on her shoulder for a moment before drawing it back to himself, still listening patiently.



'No?' Slughorns green eyes became blurred with a film of moisture, he squeezed them shut, shook his head and momentarily pressed a finger onto his lip. He was trying to keep a warm smile on his face, as he opened up his eyes again. "You did?" Almost as if he were confirming a child's recount of his or her day at school, a small hint of surprise in there. Before he could ask why, she explained. She had hurt his friend. Not purposely, but she had hurt his friend. She regretted.
How could this be happening? The voice inside his head going off, telling him, 'Won't no woman wait fi ya! Ya not worth 'er time, boy!' He'd forgotten to take a breath, and it caught up with him now as he inhaled in a large gasp. 'Oh, Jessica, Jessica,...tell me it's not true. Plllllleeease???'



'And ya words, boy? Dispensable arrangements of the alphabet.' To him, she had also devalued his words. Took the worth of his silence over the worth of his syntax. And that hurt him on a different level.
"I don't...", he caught his breath. "I don't think you're a terrible person." He remembered himself and resisted the urge to bawl and run. He was leaned up against the tree, as if pushing it and huffing. He might've been crying but that stingy moonlight revealed none too much. He cleared his throat and swallowed, as he stood up straight trying to be the strong one for her, though this reminded him all too much of an Inferno he knew too well. "Maybe,...just a little hurt right now?" He struggled to not draw any ragged breath. "You don't owe me a thing. I don't think you've betrayed me. And, I'd like to think you a friend. It's... " He couldn't move...breath...think. His heart was barely beating. He was frustrated, the curse of this if you do, if you don't situation. An emotional Mexican stand-off.
He turned to her, ran a finger under her chin to pull it up. "Xana, Xana, I need some clarity too...do you really think that I would, by my actions, just toss you aside? With no word of resolution? Do you think you are worth that little?" 'Do you think me cruel enough to...?' He wanted to ask, but that might be far too much and she was delicate as it was. He looked into her deep and infinite sapphires. A man pleading for his life. No, not his life...hers!

He was kind. He didn't judge, or hurt her, shun her, or leave. He listened and tried to understand... and still considered her a friend.

And in that moment she loved him more fervently than she'd ever loved another human being in her life.

He was kind.

He drew her chin up and she faced him as he spoke. With his last words, a single tear betrayed her and slid down her cheek, and a tiny, choked sob escaped her. She looked at him with an expression of naked, raw suffering... a small, badly wounded creature.

Her voice worked-- barely. "It... it wouldn't be... unprecedented... for me. Or... undeserved." She bit her lip, still fighting back tears.

Slughorn put a hand near his temple as if he were getting a headache and exhaled slowly. He then grabbed her by the arms and knelt down so that he was looking up at her. He thumbed away the refugee tear and shook his head. "Do you think me capable of such a thing?"

Xana was taken aback... she hadn't ever really thought of it in those terms... she blanched.

"No." she said, looking horrified and devastated as she realized what she'd done. The air felt devoid of oxygen. "No, I don't. Oh -- Merlin I am so sorry-- I misjudged you, badly. You're just... not what I'm accustomed to at all, and I... Oh. Can you ever forgive my mistake?"

She felt as though she might faint, and steeled herself. Dark witches don't faint.

He looked at her. And a long period of silence followed. "Yes. Yes, I can forgive you." He stood up and spoke stern and calm. This was going to be a problem for them. If she kept having little faith in her worth and the perception of her worth. He leaned back up against the tree, not knowing what else to say and kind of going through the motions of all she had just spoken. His focus down, he lifted his head long enough to give a weak smile to her. "What are you accustomed to?"

With his forgiveness, she breathed again. She tried to answer the question.

She thought. "You ask the hard questions. " she said with a half smile. "I don't know quite how to answer that." She paused a long time, seeking the right word, "I'm accustomed to... loss. "

"I'm not accustomed to things that last. People that stay; people being honest; constants. I'm used to people lying; I'm used to betrayl. Being judged for what I am, for my backgound. I'm used to having to pick up and go at a moment's notice. I think that's why I'm so... why I need to be so forthright about things, why I need to know where I stand. I'm okay once I do know. It's just... I don't do well with grey areas, with not-knowing... usually that means the rug is about to be pulled out from under me. Not very Slytherin of me... But with the lifestyle I grew up with, and no family... I need that. I want those things-- honesty, trust... friendships. Things that sustain. I'm just not used to them yet. I'm learning. Does this make any sense?"

"I believe it makes sense. My care one day, my callous the next? Is that right?" He said in nothing but the gentlest tone, trying to retrace what he thought was her train of thought. He expected that they'd be there for some portion of time, so he sat under the tree and leaned back on it, looking a bit sleepy. He opened an arm for her to take a seat near him.

"But, what makes you think that those things you mentioned are things which shall sustain? What if everything is fleeting and you only get to enjoy a moment for the time you have it...wouldn't you still say that it's worth it? And, did you forget, Xana, where you stood with me? Need I remind you?"

She sat down next to him under the tree... He was looking exhausted, she noted. She should let him go rest soon.

She thought about his questions, nodding at the first one slightly. He understood.

She thought about his next questions. "What is it they say? If life was only moments, then you'd never know you had one. "

"I can appreciate the moments for what they are... like, just sitting under a tree with someone I care for, playing armchair philosopher.... but it means more if I can have faith that that's not the end-- that it's not just 'something that happened once', it's part of something that will endure, something with resonance. I want that, a life of that.... it's like... the movie in my mind... a dream that fills my head. Just... things I can count on, good things that sustain. Being able to have that, and trust it." She smiled at him. "Does that make sense at all, or did arithmancy destroy my brain for good? And... what do you think?"

"And-- no, I've not forgotten what you said to me. I've kept every word in my heart, and I always will. But... maybe it wouldn't hurt for you to remind me, very simply... for clarity's sake. It was never your words I mistrusted-- it was my understandng of them that I questioned. It's been my day for misunderstanding things, you know." Her eyes met his and she smiled at him shyly.

Slughorn slipped his arm around Xana as she sat near him. Armchair philosopher was his favourite thing to play. He looked down at her, shooting a quick glance in the eyes then looking away to think. "What do I think?" He thought for a minute. He had a natural leaning toward cynic, but not without exception. "I think that you have to learn to trust it. No one can prove it to you. 'To the skeptic there is no proof enough, to the believer, there is no proof necessary.' I believe the saying goes. However, that does not mean that no effort should be put forth to encourage good faith." He sat up, a bit more alert and ran through his memories and recalled his words to Xana.

"I said that I'm not ready and that I would save your love. I said that I am grateful and that I adore you. And, I said that, you have saved me from a fate worse than death. And, I said I don't want you to go." He had taken her hand, and was caressing the back of it as he spoke to her. "But, now that I think of it. Perhaps that last one is asking more than a lot. Far too much and far too unfair. I've no right to ask you to stay, unless it is your will to stay."

Xana settled against Claudian comfortably as he slipped his arm around her. We fit together well, she thought, and smiled with contentment as she listened to him, enjoying the feel of his voice resonating through his frame and into her own. For the first time in ages, she felt serene. She smiled at his quote and nodded slightly, agreeing with his words. The believer is happy; the skeptic is wise. she thought. And balanced between them, lives peace.



His words, plus his touch, were exactly the affirmation she needed... any doubt she had harboured was washed away from her mind. I want time to stop right here... make perfection last forever. she thought. She gently squeezed his hand and gazed up into his countenance with a gentle smile.

"It's not unfair, nor too much. And it is my will to stay, as long as you want me to."

He liked it. Whatever his feelings for his friends...and Cassandra, the boy couldn't help himself. He liked it. The tiny warm body close to his. Like a kitten. Only...bigger...and really pretty. Not to mention, completely at his mercy. 'Frail as a flower in the morning is this tiny work of art.'

He noted her calmness. And the cool, mellow way she was speaking to him at this moment. If only she were always this way, instead of subjected to the stress. She'd have to change...her name, for starters. She'd have to live a lie. And, mostly, she'd have to be comfortable with the luxury of her life lived in peace while her best friend will be hounded 'til the end of her days. And, she would never, as far as he could foresee. So unless strings could be pulled on the behalves of both girls, they could never live 'settled' lives. And, what would it take to convince them that it would be right to do? For what? So that he can have her? It was more than selfish.

Slughorn made a face as these thoughts crept into his mind, and as soon as he consciously could, he banished them.
"But it is! It is unfair. I did not mean for you to forbid yourself the chance to move on, Xana! It is not my intention to make you wait...especially when you have someone who you know as well as I, would treat you like diamonds and nothing less than." He did not shout at her, but he spoke with real conviction as he released her hand.

She sat a moment, quietly pondering. She spoke calmly and evenly. "You know... I told you before-- I keep your words in my heart, as jewels. And I do believe you said, I've no right to ask you to stay, unless it is your will to stay. And it is my will. So... I don't see what is unfair. I'm choosing my own path. I just hope that the one I've chosen is the one that leads me to you. "

She paused, and locked eyes with his. "You also said you adore me. And... well..." She smiled warmly, and in a soft, velvet voice, she spoke back his own words to him, spoken this time through her own heart. "If you have no idea the gift you have given me with the truth of your feelings, then it maybe that we are best left apart without the chance of future union... but -- I believe you do. And... to the believer... no proof is necessary."

"Just the gentle reassurance." He stood up and brushed himself off a little, then held out his hand to help her up. He looked ...happy. He, in fact was. He didn't want the moment to end, but he was a bit sleepy and thought that perhaps they should be getting back. He looked the girl in her face. "Do you have the time?" He asked.

She nodded lightly. "Exactly."

She took his hand and stood up with him, lingering with her fingers intertwined in his. "For you, I do. Always." She looked up at him warmly as they started to walk back to the castle.

Claudian smiled back down at her and took out his hand from the intertwining, instead sandwiching ...m'mmmm sammiches...sandwiching her tiny hand between his large ones and giving it a warm squeeze. He smirked at her reply and lead her back to the castle.