So you're a teacher? Or are in the process of becoming one? Naturally, people will want to wish you luck, but luck is a fools game. No, I wish you all the best. I wish you confidence, common sense and perseverance, because without it, even this books can't help you survive.

The art of survival has nothing to do with chance. Everything you do, everything you say, will have an impact on your career. It can make your road as smooth as velvet or as rocky as the underworld. So when you turn each page of this virulent book, please don't think that I am in any way, shape or form responsible for you or even able to help you. I can only provide you with advice I have accumulated over my twenty-five years of teaching experience. Some of this advice I've acquired through ingenious studies of social behaviour, as well as by making my own errors. No, I'm not the perfect teacher, but here's the hot tip... there isn't one. Witches and Warlocks will no doubt tell you that they are the shining beacons of success, and they're probably right in saying so, but for every success, there is a failure and only trolls don't acknowledge and learn from their mistakes.

This survival guide will not tell you what you need to do. It will not tell you what weapons to acquire. What it will do, is give you an insight into how schools work and how the professional mind thinks. If you follow everything you read in this book, you will fail. Reading and following instructions is far too easy, and as an educated adult, I won't insult you by lowering my expectations of you. What you need to do with the information I provide you, is analyse it, observe your own surroundings and apply it to your scenario. I'm not a legilimens, nor am I a seer... I'm just a survivor, and this is what I have to show for it.

Know now, that teaching the minds of future generations, is not an easy task. It is not a fun task. It is not highly paid - considering the work, sweat, blood and time that is invested in it. It is not rewarding in its entirety, because stupidity will always breed stupidity and there's not much we can do to change that. But with all that said, there is a silver lining on the clouds above your head. What is that silver lining? you might ask, well I can't tell you that, it would spoil the surprise.

Between the rocks and the pogrebins, there are diamonds and precious metals just waiting to be unearthed. Finding them, is difficult, treacherous and sometimes disheartening. Just remember, the harder you look, the harder it is to find. It might be difficult to comprehend at this early stage in your career – if you've even started it – but there will be success stories, there will be students who will lift your hearts, colleagues you'll befriend, and accolades that you will crave and uphold as if it were the Holy Grail, or even the Elixir of Life. Just don't expect them any time soon, the first five years of your career, you'll be nothing more than a playpen for naughty children and an in-tray for curriculum planning and cross-marking... you will be used to the point where your brain will be bruised. Expect pain, and if it doesn't come, you're clearly not doing it right.

So by now you know what it's like. You've had your first bite of dragon steak, and find it a little hard to swallow. You're not alone. Approximately 80% of teachers feel like throwing in the towel at the four to five year mark, and how do I know this? From experience of course. Not only did I once feel like hexing the bucket, but I've also been told that teaching is too tough to handle. Sadly, most of the folk that shared these feelings with me went on to resign, have found themselves as a shop assistant or a caretaker, and others have even been admitted to St Mungos. I don't tell you this to discourage you, on the contrary, I'm telling you this to motivate you. Now here's the kicker, are you ready? …

It gets better.

Plain and simple. Once you pass your adolescent phase of teaching, the load lightens, the weight is lifted off your shoulders and you find yourself with a new-found power. But this doesn't happen overnight, so keep at it.

There are two reasons as to why you might be reading this book, so allow me to expose them. Firstly, either you're still as incompetent and as lost and lonely as a first year graduate.... or, you're reading this out of curiosity and for a laugh. If the first, why bother? You're past your prime and you may as well give up – the truth. If the second, then welcome, and I hope the following pages reflect your experiences or at least resonate with you to some extent.

However, don't think that you can't learn a thing or two in your old age, after all, even old crups can learn new tricks – provided you use the right treats. Sometimes, as we mature, as we become complacent and lose ourselves to familiarity and routine... we forget that our line of work allows us to continue learning, to engage us with new activities and sometimes unorthodox ways of doing things. Perhaps you want to step out of your comfort zone, or perhaps you'll only think about doing so.

Your gender, has absolutely no bearing on whether you will survive this aptitude of life or not. In fact, I've seen men cry because snot nosed children called him names. Inner strength comes from your head, not your heart and certainly not your chromosomes. However, that's not to say that genders don't have their advantages and disadvantages.

Take for example, men.

While structurally, their physique may be considered to be an advantage not only in the class room but in the courtyard as well, the man's ability to intimidate his pupils is uncanny. Unless your sire happens to be a Goblin or you're cursed with a minuscule stature.

On the other hand, size and intimidation may work against you in the classroom, particularly if you're graced with a particularly awkward group of students whom may or may not have low self esteem issues and therefore are less likely to respond to burlier men.

But again, men have the added advantage of having strong voices which carry across halls without the necessity of an amplifying charm. A tool which is best utilised when acknowledging poor behaviour or simply ensuring students have 'received the message, loud and clear'.

Women, also have their pros and cons.

On the one hand, women ooze femininity – unless you happen to be born with a mustache, or have the facial features of a werewolf – and are therefore perceived as being motherly or nurturing. Do not fall for this trap. There is never an appropriate or acceptable time to be blowing a students nose, tying their shoelace, cooking them breakfast, buying their lunch, brushing their hair or hugging them. Because once you go there, you've lost them forever. Students do not need a mother, they should already have one. On the off chance that they do not, then it's important to note that YOU cannot fill that void. On the other hand, if you smile enough then at least you won't scare them off or scar them for life. It pays to be 'nice' sometimes.

But again, there are downsides to being a woman in the industry.

Not only do you need to look good to be successful – yes your appearance matters, don't think that it doesn't, but you also need to embrace your own particular style. Don't be someone that you are not, otherwise you will just end up confusing your colleagues, your students and yourself. If pink is not your thing, don't wear it! It'll make you look weak and downright lost. Find your identity and stick to it.

Learn to keep your emotions in check, or better yet, beat it out of your system. Monthly cycles are a major disadvantage to being a woman in the profession. Aside from the jokes and snide comments which accompany the phenomenon, high emotions can lead to irrational decisions. So curb it while you can.

People that say 'waking up is half the task' are wrong and no doubt stupid. But with that being said, do not underestimate the power of fatigue. It will be the death of you one day, and that's only if you're doing your job right. As you can probably tell by now, I'm not one to sugar coat things, I call them as they are. Waking up is a minute task compared to what is and will always be required of you. Developing the desire to 'make a difference' in the lives of our future, will not help with this at all. The fact is, you need sleep, and the sensation of switching off is all too comforting, but this does not mean you should be closing your eyes at any chance you get.

Your body will undergo a number of changes over the duration of your career, and particularly when you're first starting out. The key to beating fatigue and making sure you take this first step every single weekday until you retire, is routine. Yes, routine. By this I do not mean for you to plan out every waking and sleeping second of your life, no. By this I mean that you should establish a pattern for sleep and again, stick with it. Change is never going to be your friend, and change in sleeping patterns will make your life a living hell.

Always try to go to bed at the same time each night, by doing so, you'll be training your body to accept that it is bedtime and it will – over time – adjust to this. In conjunction with establishing a time to go to sleep, you should also establish a time that you will wake up, and remember, change is not your friend. Even if you can afford to have an extra hour or two of sleep on the occasional day, do not do it. It will leave you feeling lethargic and your body will come to expect more sleep when really it doesn't need it. Ensure that you're getting the same amount of sleep each night, because this will only have positive effects on your body and will encourage REM sleep.

Other things you can do to minimise fatigue and make the process of waking up each day easier, is by setting rules for your bedroom. First of all, you need to start by eliminating habits of sleeping elsewhere. Arm chairs, sofas, carpet and tables were not designed for sleeping on. They were designed for sitting on, walking on and writing on. If you don't know that much then I suggest you get yourself A Trolls Guide to Household Furniture. Just as sleeping is restricted solely to the bedroom, no other activities... with one exception... are to be conducted in the bedroom. Why? Well this is obvious, but it will only serve to be a distraction and therefore interfere with your ability to turn off at the end of the day. If, for some reason, you are not yet ready to commit yourself to going to sleep, and have something you need to do, read, mark or think through, then you must always leave the bedroom. There is no point in reading in bed and saying 'when I get tired, I'll go to sleep', why? Because reading stimulates the mind, you'll find that even when your eyes are heavy and your body is weak, if your mind is still active, and even the comfort of your bed won't lull you to sleep. Ultimately, a familiarity between the bed and physically, mentally or emotionally exhaustive or stimulative activities will result in sleep alluding you.

Other things that will help you enforce this sort of behaviour and encourage your body to adjust in a timely manner include the use of scented candles, particularly calming and hypnotic scents such as lavender, lily of the valley and basil. Drinking hot herbal teas half an hour before bedtime will also relax your muscles and settle your digestive tract, suggested concoctions include peppermint or chamomile teas with hints of honey or vanilla.

No matter where you are, what your age is, whether you're male, female or other... first impressions do matter, so make them good ones. Things to consider when starting at a new school include, first and foremost, your identity. Who do you want to be? Or rather, how do you want others to see you? You need to decide whether you want to be fun loving, bubbly, over zealous new kid on the block... or the confident, approachable professional... or anything in between. Just remember, that you need to be true to yourself, don't try to be something you're not, because you will fail.

Dress appropriately. By this, I do not mean formal attire everyday. No. Schools, particularly in low socio-economic regions will not think any better of you if you rub your wealth, wisdom and success in their proverbial faces. So don't do it. What you should be doing, is making sure that your dress code reflects the ethos of the school and more to the point the ethos of the profession. You are not there to look pretty, or be popular, you're there to set a good example for your colleagues, you students and the wider community. Without meaning to be sexist, women are the worst offenders of the dress code. Low cut blouses or short skirts, high heels, tacky stockings, tight fitting clothes and see through garments without the appropriate underwear, are not acceptable.

While men don't have this issue, it's still recommended you see a professional stylist if attempting to break the mould and wear anything other than a professional shirt and tie with appropriate coats, scarves, cloaks or robes. Note: Men in shorts is never appropriate, unless you are a care taker or grounds keeper – in which case you shouldn't bother reading this anyway, or if you specialise in Herbology, where getting a bit of sunshine is perfectly acceptable.

Dress alone won't save you. As a professional, it would be prudent to be well groomed. Don't take this to mean you need to be a Veela, because realistically, not everyone can be. The point is to keep facial hair to a minimum, make sure your hair is manageable and at an appropriate length and colour. Blue, green or pink are NEVER appropriate colours unless it's for a charitable occasion.

Footwear is also essential to making a good first impression. Women, don't resort to wearing sky-high heels that you can barely walk in, because holding people back is never and will never be a desirable characteristic. Muddy, dusty, scuffed boots or shoes are also a big mistake. If you don't already know this, then you really do need as much help as you can get. Clean, neat, understated shoes is a must. Nothing flashy or complicated, no bright colours or tacky flowers with sequins. Ever heard the expression 'keep it simple stupid'?

This might seem like a pointless aspect to some. But your room will reflect your personality, your rules and most importantly the culture of the environment. There are numerous things to take into consideration, ranging from the positioning of the desks, posters, physical objects, book shelves, storage cabinets etc.

In terms of desk arrangements, it will vary from class to class. Some students will benefit from working in groups, where peer guidance will set them on the right track, and where grouped with competent students, modelling practice and answers will improve their success rate. However, other students, the ones that are more concerned with social events and have difficulty staying focused will not work well in groups. These students benefit more from paired desks arranged in columns as it enables them to share their thoughts with others but not so much that they could be easily distracted. Alternatively, isolating such students could also work, but only in the short term. Do not consider isolation as a long term strategy.

Classrooms are supposed to be comforting, to an extent, and above all, inspiring. Posters, charts and visual aids are a perfect way to brighten up the room while keeping it subject specific and learning focused. Students will be distracted by these, temporarily, but once they lose their new appeal, will serve only as a gentle reminder of the topic and a comforting aspect of the classroom. After all, isn't it the appearance of the classrooms that we remember best? Try to avoid introducing new ones frequently, as this may be distracting. That being said, it is always good to keep them course specific. If you move onto a new topic or course of study, replace them so students can use them as scaffolding to build upon.

A great way to enhance the classroom community, is by displaying students works on the walls. This will be advantageous in two ways. Firstly, it will serve to motivate students to achieve well and complete their work in a timely manner and to a high standard, in the hopes that they will get their work displayed. Secondly, it ensures that students feel as if they are part of a community and that they are a valued member of the class. Remember, everyone likes to be recognised for their great work.

Subject specific objects, bits and bots are a great way to keep students interested and encourages them to become more inquisitive. These are particularly great if you can incorporate them into a lesson or as a show and tell on the subject and it's uses/significance in wizarding society. Examples would include sneakoscopes for Defence Against the Dark Arts, historical manuscripts for History of Magic and even rubber ducks and spark plugs for Muggle Studies. The possibilities are endless, and there is always something you can have on display for any subject area.

Book shelves, or even books in general, are a great addition to a classroom. They make for great resources and references should a student or yourself need it and it immediately acts to set the tone and function of the classroom, learning. The key to using this as a successful tool in your classroom is to ensure the books and material are subject specific, are relevant, at an appropriate level and are up to date.
Likewise, storage cabinets are also great for holding materials for class, as well as for student storage should they need it for project work etc. Remember to have rules for its use, and ensure that it doesn't become a distraction in the class, i.e. students travelling to and from, numerous times per lesson.

Ultimately, this is up to you. Do whatever you are comfortable with and what will work for your school and your students. Remember to keep school rules and guidelines in mind when setting up your room. It's also a wise idea to take into account how the students feel and react, after all, it is their attention you want to attain, and if your set up doesn't work for them, then it won't work for you.

Always have rules and guidelines to classroom behaviour, management, and general practice. Without them, you will run the risk of being ill prepared to handle small issues before they become big ones. Because let's face it, issues always escalate when left unaddressed. If a student thinks they can pick their nose and get away with it, then the behaviour won't be stopped. If the behaviour isn't stopped it will show other students that they too have the opportunity and the power, to pick their noses without consequences which will lead to other issues such as bogeys on the furnishings. Now let's just say, for the sake of your understanding and my sanity, that the behaviour was not nose picking, say it was something far less desirable, like the consistent disrespect of talking whilst you're giving instructions or leading a class discussion. Each teacher has their own set of rules, but one that is a must is, respect others while they're talking. Meaning do not interrupt, giggle and whisper to the person next to you or blatantly start your own conversation. This, is one such behaviour which needs to be nipped in the butt from the very beginning. It's important to set your boundaries, make your rules clear but above all, be consistent. If you are inconsistent students may feel hard done by or they will feel as if they are getting to you – and there will be times when they will get to you – the point is to remain calm and in control. If you relinquish that control, then you may as well hand in your resignation, because life will be hell. Not that I condone failure or cowardice.

Do not use your biggest weapons first up. Always start with your smallest weapons or tools for managing the behaviour or non-compliance. Talk to experienced staff members or mentors, discuss strategies with your line manager or department head, see if your school has any particular behaviour management strategies or support resources in place, and use them.

There are a number of tactics you could employ, to enforce and maintain your classroom rules and guidelines, but this will come in a later chapter. Remember, baby steps.

The look. This is the most basic tool for managing behaviour or non-compliance. A simple look – do not glare, wink, smile or offer the student any emotion at all. Simply engage them with eye contact, this lets them know that you know about their behaviour or non-compliance. Most students will respond to this immediately by minimising their behaviour or stopping it completely. Do this only once.

Gestures. If the look does not placate the students behaviour, then gestures or lip syncing may be used in conjunction with the look to encourage the student to change their behaviour. Do this only once.

Name calling. For students who are persistently disruptive or non-compliant, announcing their name out loud will be a wake up call for them. This communicates not only to the student, but to the rest of the class, that this behaviour is not desirable and that there will be consequences should it continue. Treat this as their first official warning.

Warnings. Warnings only work if there are consequences. Three is the most commonly accepted number of warnings, but usually amounts to nothing. Rather than allowing the student three warnings, or three opportunities to stuff up, give them two and unleash the consequences on the third. This will communicate to the students that you are serious and that you will not tolerate poor behaviour. The punishment should fit the crime, but it is key that you remain level headed and do not play into their hand. Be in control of your emotions.

Yes, it's obvious isn't it. By managing your time, you become more efficient, more productive and by extension a better teacher. Keeping a journal and a daily to-do list, will help you organise and manage your time appropriately, and guess what? It also reduces stress! By writing down everything you need to do/get done, with a due date, you will be able to prioritise and use the time that you have productively instead of sitting around wondering what you should work on first.

Use this method religiously, it may just save your career.

Things to consider:

Student oriented tasks: lesson planning, assessment planning/producing, marking, reporting (do not leave this till the last week or two), recording attendance and monitoring student behaviour, progress and success using anecdotal notes.

Teacher oriented: clerical tasks, letters home, professional development, curriculum planning and so forth. You know what's involved.

School oriented: these will vary from school to school. They include staff meetings and group professional development – departmental and whole school, fund-raising/school events and assemblies. You're not always required to attend these, but remember, by participating in school activities you are supporting the school community. Be a team player.

The downside to our profession is that it results in a frayed and poorly functioning immune systems. Being ill is part and parcel of being a teacher, so be prepared for long hard days and daily wiggenweld potions. The one question that will confront you, and no doubt confuse you, is do you take a day off?

Sick days are there to support teachers and to ensure they have policies and systems in place so that they may make a speedy recovery. However, the relief – or supply system, is poorly designed and executed, often resulting in more stress for the teacher when they return. In some establishments, you can get away with taking sick days and not have to worry about the competency of the puffskein taking your class, however, this is not always the case.

If your absence is unavoidable, there are a few things you may do to increase the likelihood of a successful lesson without your guiding wand. The first thing, and do this if you have the opportunity, is to warn your students of your pending absence and be sure to give them specific and direct instruction to behave. Should misbehaviour occur, warn them of their consequences... and be down right harsh. This will prevent most misbehaviours from occurring.

The second thing you should do, is plan your lessons. And when I say plan, I mean plan. The more specific your instructions, the more likely the relief or supply teacher will be able to present the lesson. Provide answers to any written work expected, so that they do not reinforce incorrect responses and ruin all the hard work you've put into teaching them in the first place.

Thirdly. Ask for feedback. At least this way you will be able to gauge whether or not the lesson was done to a satisfactory extent or whether it will need to be repeated - not to mention it will give you the opportunity to reprimand those students whom did not obey your direct instructions to behave.

The hardest task you will have during your career, is deciding whether or not to take that day off, or worse... multiple days off. It does come down to the individual. Some teachers are more able to handle sickly conditions and still manage to drag themselves around the school with a clear-enough head to teach. On the other hand, you will feel better quicker by taking a sick day or two. It will relieve the stress on your body, even if it doesn't relieve the stress of the mind. So make your choice wisely.

When in doubt, take the day off and plan a simple activity to keep the students engaged. Call it an assessment and they might even try to complete the work with some effort.

As with everything in life, relationships are important. These can be professional, collegial, casual or anything in between. They may be good, bad, strong or weak, depending on the time, effort and energy you're are willing to expend. One thing to note, is that good relationships make life easier, so it's in your best interest to built and maintain them, despite the initial effort.

The type of relationship you form will be entirely dependent on what you need from the individual, or indeed, group of individuals. The way in which you build rapport with a student will vary to the comradeship you establish with your colleagues – particularly those closest to your area of expertise. The following few chapters will look at relationships, their functions and what you can do to build and maintain them.

From day one, your goal – if you wish you make your time teaching as smooth as possible – is to win over the students, earn their trust and build rapport. This is not to say make friends with them. There is a distinct difference between being their friend and bring their trusted educator. Particularly as a graduate teacher, it is easy to fall into this trap of 'friendship', and the closer your age to that of your students, the more you can relate and empathise with a student. And this can work to both your advantage, and disadvantage.

On the one hand, understanding your students and what engages them, how they spend their time and appealing to their sense of self/identity, can help you in the way you communicate with them, deliver content to them and guide them through the battlefield that is curriculum. On the other hand, sometimes it's difficult to remain objective and work-focused when our understanding of a student – and our judgements toward them – become clouded.

Setting boundaries in relationships with students is just as important as setting classroom ruled. It dictates expectations and limits the opportunity for things to go awry. Things to consider include:

• Letting your students know that you have their best interest at heart, and as a teacher, this is standard practice. You advocate for them, not against them. You're their to teach them, not feed them to the trolls.
• Be accessible to your students. Knowing they can come to you about concerns and queries goes a long way in establishing trust and respect.
• Take a moment every so often to greet them by name – instead of by the masses – and inquire about their day, week, weekend or holiday. This shows them that you care – even if you don't and increases their self-worth.
• Take an interest in their achievements whether academic or extra curricular. Ask them about it, congratulate them, or be present at a sporting match.
• Get a sense of who they are as an individual, what is their favourite colour? - and mark their work in it. Do they have any pets? Favourite music? - You'll be surprised how much you might have in common with some of them. For those that are completely other than yourself, appreciate their uniqueness.

It's a slow process, but within the first few weeks you will start to see some changes as those relationships are formed. Don't insist on forcing the relationship upon them, they will engage when they're ready. Accept that some will come easier than others, and some won't come at all. At the end of the day, your goal is to teach, and while having a positive relationship with a student helps, it is not necessary for you to do your job, and do it well.

Much in the same way that having positive relationships with students may make your day to day easier, so to can having positive relationships with other staff. Staff are within your department or area of expertise, staff that teach another subject or are in another area of the school, and even support staff can be invaluable to your own practice. These relationships may assist you in developing appropriate learning programs for struggling students, or they may provide you will lesson plans or ideas that you may implement in your own classroom – bear in mind, this is a time saver and limits the amount of work you need to do in your own time to prep for your lessons. Additionally, support staff make for remarkable contacts and can prove to be useful friends if you require assistance with administrative work which you very well may not have time to complete yourself.

The tricky thing in this respect, is that you will not like all of your colleagues, and in actual fact, unless you teach at a small school in a tight-knit community, you likely won't even know everybody. Again, try not to confuse workplace relationships with friendships, they're different things. In the workplace, being polite and amicable opens up the opportunity for communication and sharing of information and goods, a friendship is formed when personal contact between two parties is made outside of work hours and usually off school premises – this is not necessary not is it expected. However that's not to say you won't make a life-long friend or two along the way.

Things you can do to build and maintain such relationships include, but are not limited to, the following:

• Friendly/polite greetings; hello's, goodbye's, how are you's?
• If you hear something nice, say something nice. A student liked their lesson, a colleague commented on their professionalism/abilities. Pay compliments when appropriate.
• Sparingly ask personal questions – get to know your colleagues. Family life, interests, hobbies, likes/dislikes. You may even find you have something in common to bond over.
• Share your own resources where possible. If you give some, you'll likely get some in return.

Some people will be responsive, whereas others may not. Don't try too hard, and you don't need to form relationships with every staff member at your school. Be inclusive of all, but selective in those you expend your energy with. After all, a teachers time is limited, select your peers wisely and don't bother with those who don't return favours or niceties.

Communication is a vital part of your role as a teacher, and this is particularly true when considering our relationships with parents. While we are student focused and often swept up in the teaching-learning process, it is important to communicate effectively with parents and build positive relationships with them as it will benefit the student long term.

Behavioural and academic concerns as well as accolades and student progress should be communicated to parents as frequently as possible. Whether this is delivered face to face or via owl, it will ensure parents feel as though they are a part of their child's learning experience and will help them engage the student in extending their understanding at home. Parents of troubled students often make for great allies when managing student behaviour and reprimanding wrong-doing, the key here is consistency and a united front.

Be mindful of the power of relationships with parents, they can be as much an asset to teaching and learning as any other tool. Be polite, be approachable and communicate in a respectful manner. Some parents won't give you the light of day, and it will be in those instances that you understand and can appreciate where your troubled student may be coming from, but for the most part, they want the same thing as us. They want their child to succeed, they want them to learn, and to become responsible citizens.