Suicidaly Optimistic Carnivorous African Tundra Tree of Marginally Inconsequential FanFiction Duel!

To begin, the rules:

To enter, you MUST be a member of the Evil Elite. No exception. You need not post that you are entering, simply post when you are ready, by the due date.

Secondly: You need not have submitted Dare Requirements to enter, but IF you submitted Dare Requirements, you MUST submit a completed FF.

Third: All Rules of for FF on SS apply. Go back and read them again. No profanity, etc. We all love the mods.

Fourth: Please be considerate, and post your story all at once, in one post, in this thread. If it is too long for one post, than use as many as you need, one after the other. It makes it easy on the rest of us if we don't have to skip around looking for pieces of your story.

Fifth: Each story must have a title.

Sixth: Use ALL requirements. No exceptions.

Seventh and Most Important: You MUST be finished by midnight, Eastern Standard Time, April 1st 2005!



Without furthur ado, the dares: (in the order they were sent)



Evlpez:

1) Steve Kloves must appear periodically and announce which crucial parts of your fic he will cut from the movie version.

2) Someone must say, plausibly, "Yes, we have no bananas."

3) There must be a commercial break featuring "Plum and Plum's Perfect Wizarding Plumbing and Loos"

4) A 'Carnivorous African Tundra Tree' must be described, in detail, by a major character who has decided to cultivate them.

5) Dobby gets Athlete's foot and swears off socks forever more.


Kirstie McGonagall:

1) Harry wakes up with a cupcake stuck to the side of his head.

2) Luna tries to teach Hagrid to jump rope.

3) Professors Flitwick and McGonagall get married.


felicia1995:

1) Snape is a retard throughout the whole story

2) Hermione must sing "Zymurgy is our Queen" at least 45 times during the story

3) 'Hi, I'm Bob!' must appear on a button in the story

4) Winky dies of a disease.

5) Zymurgy replaces Dumbledore as Headmistress



Cassirin:

1) Someone says, "I'll have a glass of milk. On the rocks."

2) Luna must think she is a fruit bat for some reason.

3) Someone develops an obsession with the Wizard of Oz and believes he/she is the Wicked Witch of the West.

4) One of the boys keeps shouting, "I'm a pretty, pretty girl!"

5) The Sesame Street theme song is sung.


Me4ron:

1) Someone must carry a green stapler around in their pocket for protection.

2) There is an instance in which Harry tries to boost his energy with batteries.

2) Hair is dyed orange.

4) Seamus learns to do tumbleturns.

5) The meaning of life is inquired about multiple times.


Zymurgy:

1) Neville Longbottom makes a discovery and shouts, "Eureka!"

2) Somebody replies, "I do NOT smell!"

3) A Dragon invades and requires people to justify their existence or be eaten.

4) Molly Weasley refuses to cook.

5) The following must make an appearance at some point:
A pair of gloves
Scotch tape
A yellow violin
Giant Toenails
A partridge in a pear tree.

Eee... not sure if I'm supposed to do this yet, but... I'm gonna.

The First Annual Hogwarts' Pet Show

Many people figured that Dumbledore would stay at the school and do his Headmastering forever, but that all changed after his more recent birthday party. He overheard two students discussing how old he was, which triggered a strange reaction in the old gentleman.

“Exactly how old is he this year?” the youth questioned. His friend grinned and shrugged. “Oh, about a million, I guess. He’s wicked old.”

Dumbledore knew he WAS in fact wicked old, and decided then and there that it was time to take a retirement and start acting his age. Of course, Dumbledore didn’t feel that old, so his version of acting his age was dying his hair orange, shaping it into a Mohawk, and buying a motor scooter. “Call me Skippy!” he shouted happily as he skated off into the sunset. The staff remaining at Hogwarts took a quick vote and Zymurgy was quickly put in as the new Headmistress.

“My first act as Queen of the school…” Zymurgy began.

“Ahem, Miss Zymurgy… you’re the Headmistress, not queen,” McGonagall whispered to her.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Hermione hopped to her feet and climbed onto the table. “Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen. Zymurgy is our queen.” She attempted to get the crowd to sing along with her, but after saying it 45 times successively, Hermione sat down dejectedly and crawled beneath the table. “I stink.”

“Ahem,” Zymurgy gave Hermione and McGonagall equally poisonous stares before continuing. “As I was saying, my first act as Headmistress of the school will be to hold the first annual Hogwarts Pet Show. All students are encouraged to owl their parents and to enter their fascinating and varied pets. I don’t think I need to remind you that there are to be no manticores or basilisks at this Pet Show.” She said this quite pointedly to Hagrid, whose face fell.

“What’s a Pet Show?” Snape asked. Everyone ignored him.

“Now, see… all of this will have to be cut from the screen version,” Steve Kloves whispered in the author’s ear. “It’s all nonsense introductory stuff.”

“I’ll bite you and not feel a bit bad,” Cassirin responded before continuing with the story. She wanted to finish in time to go watch The Wizard of Oz.

***

The day of the Pet Show was bright and sunny, but most days in this author’s fics are bright and sunny ‘cause she likes it that way. The staff decided to hold the show on the Quidditch Pitch simply because all those animals in the castle might make a huge mess. McGonagall, Flitwick, and Hagrid were the judges and none of them were particularly excited about their roles in the proceedings.

The highlight thus far, other than the shocking number of krups and nifflers, was the snack table set up on one side of the pitch. “At least Molly Weasley was willing to cook for us,” Flitwick mumbled around a cupcake he’d had to snatch from Harry’s watchful eye.

“I won’t cook. I won’t cook,” Mrs. Weasley’s shouts were heard echoing around the pitch.

“Mrs. Weasley didn’t cook this,” Harry looked up from his vigilant guard of the fodder. “She was asked to, but she’s on strike. Something about spark plugs and scotch tape. Anyway, Cassirin provided the cupcakes… she IS the Queen of Cupcaketopia.” Someone approached the table and Harry wielded a green stapler. “Halt. Who goes there? Don’t make me staple you!”

“What’s a staple?” Snape scratched his head.

The three judges rolled their eyes and left Harry to his defenses. The first pets were rather boring, so they moved on to the bigger pets in the next row. “Erm… Dobby?” The house elf stood next to a box wearing thick rubber gloves. He had a frightened look on his face and he kept rubbing his gloved hands against his arms. He was also looking rather underdressed considering he had a sham sitting on his head and a hot pink mini skirt on – but that was it.

“Well… why don’t you tell us all about your pet, Dobby?” Flitwick said gently. McGonagall looked at him with admiration in her eyes. He was such a kind chap.

“They is…” His eyes darted around nervously. “They is socks. They is dirty dirty socks.”

“Socks?” Hagrid repeated. “Socks isn’t a dangerous animal, Dobby. ‘ow can you bring socks to a pet show?”

“This is being DANGEROUS,” Dobby insisted. “Winky is being dead because of them. We isn’t washing them and they is growing green fur.”

“The socks aren’t dangerous, Dobby,” Madame Pomfrey showed up with a tube of gel and a severe frown on her face. “You have athlete’s foot, and its time for your medication.”

The three judges moved away from Dobby and Flitwick reminded himself to go see Madame Pomfrey about that gel. He was sure Dobby hadn’t been wearing flip flops in the shower.

“That will definitely have to go,” Steve Kloves whispered again in the author’s ear as she hummed “We’re Off to See the Wizard”. “Or maybe we’ll make it really exciting. The socks rise up and eat the house elves. Socks take over the world.”

“That’s a different fic. Shut up.”

Next they came upon Luna, who seemed to be without a pet but had a blanket wrapped around her neck. She was flapping her arms and staring at the sky.

“Luna? Where’s your… pet?”

“I am my own pet,” she replied dreamily. “I’m a fruit bat. I’m starving. All they gave us to eat today was puppy chow, and I’m not a puppy. I’m not. I’m a fruit bat.”

“Yeah,” Seamus shouted and leaped in the air behind her. “And I’m a pretty, pretty girl.” He continued to shout it, jumping around, and laughing hysterically.

“Finnegan! Be quiet! The socks might stampede,” Ron poked him with his elbow. The boy didn’t listen, and suddenly people around them had pulled their wands. Ron barely managed to duck and cover before Finnegan was blasted several feet in the air. He came down and began to perform tumbleturns, which the author can only assume is something like a somersault.

“What’s a somersault?” Snape did a cartwheel and McGonagall slapped him.

Now that Seamus had stopped behaving like a psycho, the judges were able to turn back to Luna. The girl had disappeared however. Looking around, they found her lurking over by the snack table. Harry was shaking his stapler at her.

“Yes, we have no bananas. Go away!”

“But I’m hungry. I’m a fruit bat!” She made a high pitched squeal.

“Luna… Luna dear,” Hagrid patted her awkwardly on the back in an effort to calm her down. She nearly fell over from the effort. “You’re a very clever girl. Not a fruit bat.”

She looked confused for a moment before her face lit up again. “A girl? Oh, goody! You see… I’ve been wanting to jump rope for ever so long, but bats can’t jump rope.” Hagrid seemed so surprised by her change of heart that Luna put her little hand in his big one and pulled him along with her. “Come on, Mr. Hagrid. I’ll teach you how to do it properly.”

McGonagall and Flitwick held hands as they skipped on to the next pet. Snape joined them to temporarily replace Hagrid, and all three paused in front of Neville. The boy was fluffing the branches on a small tree and humming under his breath

“What is that?” Snape asked, putting out a tentative hand. “It’s green. I like it.”

“It’s a tree, sir,” Neville stammered, attempting to wedge himself behind it. “A pear tree.”

“Neville, a tree isn’t an animal,” McGonagall hedged, her face drawn into lines of concentration.

“Are you sure?” Snape asked, peering closely at its branches. “It’s so pretty. I wonder how it tastes.” He stuck out his tongue to lick a leaf before Flitwick jumped on his back and dragged him away.

“We don’t lick the pets, Severus. It’s rule number one from Headmistress Zymurgy.”

“The TREE isn’t my pet,” Neville reached in among the branches and began to rummage around. “EUREKA! Here it is!” He pulled out a small plain looking bird with a long tail. “My pet is the partridge that lives in the pear tree. I call her Gertrude. She’s my best friend and she’s going with me to the Yule Ball.” He hugged her fiercely and kissed her on her beak.

“I’m going to cut that or make the pet bigger and flashier. I bet we could use animatronics or maybe some animation,” Steve Kloves murmured and the sound of his hands rubbing together could be heard. “And that Neville boy needs to be taller and ridiculously handsome. I have this problem with JK as well. IDIOTS!”

“If you’re going to hang around here with me,” said the author, “You’re going to have to stop bothering me. I want to finish in time to watch The Wizard of Oz. Go get me a drink. I’ll have a glass of milk. On the rocks.”

Kloves sulkily disappeared into the kitchen mumbling under his breath about prima donna authors who drink milk with ice, and the author turned back to the story.

***

“’ello, I’m Plum and this is my brother Plum. We’re here to talk to you today about Plum and Plum's Perfect Wizarding Plumbing and Loos. Are your pipes rusty? Is your loo clogged? Do you have a ghoul stuck in your drain or a ghost in your u-bend? Don’t know who to call? Plum and Plum are here to make the answer clear. Excuse me… Plum. PLUM! Must you play that blasted yellow violin while I’m talking?”

“Sorry, Plum, but you’re so boring that I’m trying to spice up the commercial with a bit of classical music.”

“Boring? BORING! You sound like a cat sharpening his claws on a blackboard, but I’m boring.”

“Well, you know what they say, dear brother. Admitting you have a problem is a very important step.”

“I’m telling Mummy! You can’t call me boring and you can’t ruin our commercial.”

“Fine! Go tell Mummy. She always did love you best and… er… are we still on?”

“Oh, yes… that was Plum and Plum's Perfect Wizarding Plumbing and Loos. Just Floo us.”

***

Hermione also seemed to have opted to bring some sort of plant life to the Pet Show. The plant was large tree-like plant and a deep glossy green with a huge violently red and yellow flower on top. The flower seemed to undulate gently in a nonexistent breeze, and if you didn’t know better, you’d say it was preening.

“We actually just talked with Neville about this, Granger. You’re too clever to make this mistake. This is a pet show… not a plant show,” McGonagall was embarrassed that her brightest student had made such a blunder.

“It’s shiny,” Snape stuck out a finger as if to touch the huge flower and Hermione slapped his hand away. “Owie. Owie boo boo,” Snape stuck his whole hand in his mouth and whimpered.

“Suck it up, Snape. Be a man,” Hermione grunted and moved in front of him so that he couldn’t touch the plant. “This is the amazing Carnivorous African Tundra Tree that I have been cultivating for the past few months. The reason that I didn’t want Professor Snape to touch it is because it is, in fact, carnivorous. This means that it eats plants. Let me start by explaining how I obtained the plant and what I feed it each day. Don’t let me leave out how much I give him at each feeding…”

She began to talk and everyone’s eyes glazed over. Surrounding students all over the stadium fell asleep and even the three Professors were bored. Snape stuck his thumb in his mouth and twirled his hair around his fingers, while McGonagall sat down and let Flitwick curl up for a nap in her lap.

Hermione probably could have continued on all day, but a huge dragon fell from the sky and landed on a large group of the smaller animals. Lavender Brown shrieked in dismay and punched him in the tail for sitting on her fluffy bunny.

“SILENCE,” the dragon roared, and everyone woke from their apparently noisy sleeping stupors. He was about the length of three school buses, not that anyone in the Wizarding World knows what a school bus is. The dragon blew out a puff of smoke and tapped a large button taped to his scaly chest with his gigantic toenails. It read “Hi, I’m Bob.”

Harry popped awake from where his head had sunk to the snack table. He waved his stapler feebly, but he was completely not intimidating due to the cupcake stuck to his head. “I do NOT smell,” he insisted, his stapler-waving quite manic.

“Nobody said you did, silly,” Ginny pulled the cupcake off his head and set it on the table. “You are doing a poor job of guarding this table. One of those nasty cupcakes just jumped on your head and tried to eat you while you were sleeping.”

“I didn’t fall asleep,” Harry rubbed his eye with an icing-covered hand and yawned. “My energy level is getting low. I need new batteries.” He pulled a package of batteries from his pocket and stuck one in each ear.

“I said SILENCE,” the dragon pointed one giant toenail at Harry.

“WHAT?” Harry shouted back. He couldn’t hear. He had batteries in his ears.

“Bob!” Snape shouted, running and giving the dragon a hug on his huge knee. “I’m glad you could make it. These are my friends. Friends, this is Bob. He’s a DRAGON. He’s my pet dragon.”

Everyone stared alternately at Snape and the dragon. They were wondering how Snape had gotten a dragon as well as how Snape had gotten the mistaken notion that any of them were his friends.

“Do your trick, Bob. Do your trick,” Snape jumped up and down and clapped his hands.

“Alright, Sevvy buns. I’ll do it, but only for you.” Bob breathed out a huge puff of smoke and eyed the people in front of him. “My name is Bob. You must tell me why you deserve to live, or I will eat you. Do you have ketchup?”

Luna scoffed. “They don’t even have bananas.”

“That’s not a trick,” McGonagall pushed Flitwick off her lap, and he gave a squeak of outrage. “That’s just a free meal. Snape, control your pet.”

“I wanna see the trick,” Snape shook his head and stuck his lip out like a large, greasy toddler.

“You,” he pointed to Ron. “What is the meaning of life?”

“Oh… er… that’s a good one,” Ron looked around desparately. “To… er… oh look! A pterodactyl!”

The dragon looked up and Ron ran away. “That’s cheating,” Bob sighed and looked for a new victim. He spotted some student we won’t bother to name because we’re sacrificing him to the good of the story. “What is the meaning of life?”

“That’s easy,” he answered confidently. "Life is the property or quality that distinguishes living organisms from dead organisms and inanimate matter, manifested in functions such as metabolism, growth, reproduction, and response to stimuli or adaptation to the environment originating from within the organism.”

“You’re boring,” Bob replied and quickly gulped down the student. “He needed ketchup. He even tasted boring. Who’s next?”

The rest of the students scattered other than Harry, who still had batteries in his ears and was now singing, “Sunny days chasing the clouds away. On my way to where the air is sweet. Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?”

Bob tapped Harry on the shoulder with his toenail. “Excuse me… what is the meaning of life?”

“Blue,” Harry nodded confidently, studying the dragon. “Most definitely blue.”

“Really? You think so?” Bob answered in confusion. “And why should I let you live? I’m hungry.”

“I don’t think I can,” Harry replied seriously. “I’m allergic to monkey fur. I think it might be genetic.”

“That’s a compelling argument, but my stomach is growling,” Bob pointed to his monstrous belly.

“Have you seen that Carnivorous African Tundra Tree? I think it looks good.”

Bob considered that plan for a long moment before eating the Carnivorous African Tundra Tree in two bites. “Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Indigestion!” Huge wings unfurled and Bob was gone in the blink of an eye.

“Harry! You saved us!” The student body crowded around Harry and hugged him wildly, but Harry still couldn’t hear. He thought he was being attacked and the green stapler made a reappearance.

“You were so brave,” Flitwick told McGonagall in awe.

“No, you were brave,” McGonagall cooed back. They held hands and skipped away again, this time in the direction of someone who could marry them so they could have miniature tartan-colored babies.

“Can we have some sort of blurry, cheesy ending that has really nothing to do with your plot? Like… OH! Maybe…” The author cut Steve Kloves off.

“Listen up, bucko. My name is Cassirin, author of this fic and Wicked Witch of the West. If you don’t get off my back, I’m going to send a pack of flying monkeys after you and they’ll drop you off a cliff.”

“Flying monkey are great! Brilliant!” He scribbled it all down on a piece of paper. “That’s the perfect way to end this film.” The author just sighed and went to bed.

I wasn't able to get in dares for this competition because I was offically sworn in late, but I had to take a stab at this anyway. Enjoy.


Dragons and Cupcakes and Snape! Oh My!

Foreword:
Hi. This is Steve Kloves, director of such fine movies as...uh,...well, you get the picture. A director of fine movies. Now, I have the opportunity to put my imprint on such a great franchise as Harry Potter by choosing to direct this fanfic. Why this particular fanfic, you ask? Simply because this is the finest presentation of the Suicidally Optimistic Carnivorous African Tundra Tree of Marginally Inconsequential Fan Fiction Duel I have ever read. As a matter of fact, this was the only presentation that I did read. What do you think I am? Some director that has nothing but time on his hands? Of course not! I have priorities, too. Hobnobbing with celebrities, collecting Academy Awards and writing my acceptance speeches. It’s not easy! You should respect that so I can continue to make these fine movies for you, the movie-going audience. But I’ll forgive you this time.

As I was saying, this is the greatest thing I have ever had the incredible fortune to lay my eyes on. I especially loved the part where one of the characters says, “Yes, we have no bananas.” I was laughing for hours after that one. It was so funny, I had to stop and rest before I could continue on with the story. So, be on the lookout for it! It’s good! And because of the great review that I produced for you, I’m sure that you’ll want to get in on this as well and read it, too. Steve Kloves to the rescue again! I have produced this incredible slice of fan fiction from the Evil Elite Fan Fiction Dare Club to you, the average reader, in the hopes that you will enjoy it as much as I did. So, without further ado, I present babydriver27’s entry to the Suicidaly Optimistic Carnivorous African Tundra Tree of Marginally Inconsequential Fan Fiction Duel. Enjoy!

Sincerely,
Steve Kloves



P.S. I have also included myself in particular scenes that caught my interest, either good or bad. I simply had to cameo to bring out my creative side.

P.P.S. Did you forget about the line, “Yes, we have no bananas.” I thought so. Look out for this one!! It’s so funny!! I guarantee that you will enjoy it!

P.P.P.S. I,...um,...had something else to add, but I just forgot what it was. Oh, well. Read on!


And now, the story...


“Eureka!” Neville Longbottom shouted as he stood over the sleeping body of Harry Potter. Harry was peacefully asleep until Neville shouted and woke Harry up in a frenzy, throwing pillows and blankets everywhere.

“What‘s happened?! What‘s going on?!” Harry shouted as he came to a sitting position on the bed. He looked over at Neville, quizzically. “Why did you wake me up like that?”

“I‘m sorry, Harry,” Neville replied. “But, I was just so excited. I made the greatest discovery in the history of Hogwarts. Everyone will be talking about it for years to come.”

“Well, what was it?” Harry asked, clearly interested in what Neville had found out.

“Brace yourself, Harry,” Neville warned before continuing. “I just found out that I am the hunkiest stud on campus. I can‘t believe I only realized this now when I took a look in the mirror and truly saw my studliness, so I want to take this opportunity to apologize for all the times girls went for me instead of you.”

“What!?!” Harry replied, shocked that Neville, of all people, would come to this ridiculous conclusion about himself. Harry thought that perhaps the strain of school, Snape and his parents in St. Mungo’s finally go to him.

“Now, Harry,” Neville said in a consoling manner. “I understand that this may take some time getting used to, seeing as how you were the big man on campus before. I want you to know that I hold absolutely no animosity and I am more than willing to help you readjust to your new position in life. It would be no trouble at all.”

All of the conversation between Harry and Neville woke up the rest of the boys in the dormitory. They slowly rose out of their beds to see Neville flexing his muscles and kissing them in the mirror. They all gawked at him.

“What are you doing, Neville?” Ron and Dean asked, both completely stunned.

“Have you gone nuts or something?” Seamus inquired, equally confused.

“I resent that, Seamus,” Neville shot back. “Don‘t start getting jealous of me just because I’m the hottest man in Hogwarts now. It pains me deep inside to hear that from people I call friends. Like I told Harry, this may take some time to get used to, but comments like that only hurt. Seeing as how I’m a great friend, I‘ll let it go this time, Seamus. And Harry, there‘s a cupcake stuck to the side of your head.”

With all of the confusion surrounding Neville’s hallucination, Harry and company didn’t even take notice to this little fact until Harry felt the side of his head and, yes, there was a cupcake there. Harry tried to pull it off, but the cupcake wouldn’t budge. Harry pulled harder with no result. It was stuck.

“Hey guys!” Harry shouted. “Help me out here, please. I can‘t pull this cupcake off of my head.”

The boys crowded around Harry and each tried, in turn, to pull it off to no avail. The cupcake was still stuck to the side of Harry’s head. He began to panic.

“I‘ve got to do something,” Harry said, clearly in a panic. “I just can‘t go downstairs with this thing stuck to the side of my head. I‘ll be laughed out of Hogwarts. Snape and the Slytherins will have a field day with this. Quick! Think! What am I going to do?”

They thought, and thought, and thought until Neville shouted, “Eureka!” again. Everyone turned their attention to him as he spoke.

“Harry, you won‘t have to do anything! No one will be looking at you because they‘ll all be too busy looking at me and admiring my studliness. Your problem is solved! Just stay out of my way and I‘ll do the rest.”

And as everyone looked at Neville, he got dressed and headed for the common room with a casual wave at his fellow dorm members before departing. Everyone was thinking the same thing: Neville Longbottom, the poor soul, had finally lost his bananas.

“No!” Steve Kloves rudely interjects into my fanfic. “That‘s not the bananas line! Keep going! And on second thought, I should cut this entire part. It stinks, except for the cupcake. I must give that cupcake a starring role. You should see that cupcake act. Better than 99% of the actors out there now. Okay, so back to the story!”

“Hey, Harry,” Dean said after Neville had left. “You could wear this. It might fool some people and you would be giving the embarrassment to someone else.” He handed him a round button he had pulled out of his trunk. It said, “Hi, I‘m Bob!” in big bold red letters.

“Okay, Dean,” Harry said as he accepted the button. He was so desperate he was willing to give anything a shot, except for Neville’s crazy idea, at this point. “Any other ideas, guys?”

It was Ron‘s turn to speak up. “I know, Harry. You could dye your hair red. Nobody would recognize you with red hair. Everyone would probably think that you‘re a member of my family. And we could call you Bob to match the button. Yeah! Crazy Cousin Bob with the cupcake stuck to the side of his head. How about it?”

“Uh..., okay Ron,” Harry replied. In truth, Harry didn’t like this idea, but it was Ron who suggested it and he didn’t want to hurt his feelings. After all, he thought, it was only going to be for a little while. “Who‘s going to dye my hair?”

“I’ll do it, but I‘m not going to dye it the muggle way,” answered Ron. “I‘ll just use a spell and keep it like that until we can get the cupcake off. Ready? Here goes!” Ron pulled out his wand and aimed it at Harry’s head. Harry closed his eyes, really not liking the method of having a wand pointed at his head, and waited. Ron concentrated hard and flicked his wand at Harry’s hair. The jet of light hit the tips of the hair as it started to turn it red. The color made it’s way from the tips to the roots of his hair until all of Harry’s hair was a magnificent shade of...orange.

“Whoops!” Ron said before looking at Harry, who looked ready to kill him. “I‘m sorry, Harry. I guess I was a bit overzealous with the wand waving. Don‘t kill me, please.”

Harry could only continue to look at Ron with daggers coming from his eyes as he said, “I‘m never listening to you again, Ron Weasley. Now, who has the next bright idea?” He turned to face the rest of the boys.

Seamus was shaking at Harry’s glare, but summoned up the courage to answer Harry’s question. “Here, Harry.” He handed Harry a green stapler. “Just in case the ruse doesn‘t work or someone tries to give you trouble as Crazy Cousin Bob. It offers great protection, so use it well. I would keep it in my pocket, if I were you.”

Harry took the green stapler from Seamus wishing that he didn’t ask for help in the first place. He looked at the green stapler and sighed before putting it in his pocket. He grudgingly got dressed in his robes and pinned the Bob button to his school robes, taking care to cover the Gryffindor seal entirely. He looked in the mirror and almost cried. He looked like a crazy loser or a retard. He was sure people would figure through the disguise and it would all be over for him.

“Um...Harry,” Ron said carefully. “Look, I‘m really sorry about your hair. I didn‘t mean for it to turn out that way.” He handed Harry an unopened pack of AA batteries. “My dad gave them to me to cheer me up. He said that these would boost your energy when you use them. Today‘s not going to be a good one for you, so I hope you use these. It‘ll make things just a little easier.”

Harry turned around at Ron’s show of forgiveness and gave him a pat on the back. He couldn‘t stay mad at Ron. “Thanks, Ron. I appreciate the thought, but these are muggle batteries. They don‘t work on humans. It only works on electrical equipment.”

“Actually, Harry,” Ron replied. ”Dad said he did something to them. He enchanted them to be able to do that for humans. You’re supposed to put one of them between your index finger and the thumb and then press hard. Take them anyway and give them a try. Please.” He forced the batteries on to Harry and quickly walked away to finish getting dressed.

“What a scene of compassion and friendship,” Mr. Kloves again interrupts. “I‘m cutting it out. The audience doesn‘t want to see compassion and friendship. They want to see action and magic and dragons and Quidditch and Snape. Especially Snape. Fans love Snape. He has so many fangirls, even I‘m jealous of him. I want fangirls, too. If you want to be a fangirl of Steve Kloves, director and actor extraordinaire, please contact my agent. That is all.”

Harry looked on as Ron hurried away to his bed. He stuffed the batteries in his pocket and waited for Ron to finish dressing. When he was finished, they both headed down the stairs to the common room, leaving Dean and Seamus. They could hear them talking as they left, saying things like, “I wonder if the cupcake on Harry‘s head tastes any good” and “I‘ll bet that Harry‘s cupcake is somehow related to the meaning of life.”

Harry shook his head in response to those crazy comments Dean and Seamus made and quickly got dizzy. The cupcake seemed to affect his balance by making one side of his head heavier than the other. Harry wondered how long he would be able to stand this strange predicament before going crazy like Neville.

Harry and Ron entered the common room to find Hermione waiting for them. She was sitting in one of those comfortable armchairs and was quietly singing a song.

“Morning, Hermione,” Harry and Ron said cheerily.

“What are you singing?” Ron added.

Hermione greeted both of them. “Hiya, Harry. Morning, Ron. It‘s just a little song I picked up last night in the girls dormitories. Ginny was singing it all night. It‘s a catchy tune called ‘Zymurgy is Our Queen.’”

“Who’s Zymurgy?” Ron asked.

“I don‘t know, Ron,” answered Hermione. “But it‘s such a spiffy little tune, I couldn‘t care less.” She continued to sing the song.

“Uh..., Hermione,” Harry asked. “Don‘t you notice something different about me?”

Hermione stared at Harry and said, “Sure, something’s different. Your hair is orange, you’re carrying around a green stapler for protection, you have a cupcake sticking out of the side of your head, and you now go by the name of Crazy Cousin Bob Weasley.”

Harry and Ron stared at her in amazement. “How did you know all of that?” Ron asked.

Hermione smiled at him. “I read about it in ‘Hogwarts, A History.’”

“Really?” Harry asked.

“No,” Hermione answered laughing. “I was just joking. I actually found out about it because Steve Kloves made me read this fanfic last week. Oh, and if you’re interested in being fangirls for him, you should get in touch with his agent.”

“Yeah. That‘s all I need,” Ron said sarcastically. “To become a fangirl for Steve Kloves. They would like that very much. I‘m a pretty, pretty girl, Hermione!”

“Whatever, Ron,” Hermione shot back. “I just thought you’d be interested.” She went back to singing about Zymurgy when she suddenly stopped and started to sniff Harry.

“Hermione!” Harry shouted while backing away from Hermione and her inquisitive nose. “What are you doing?!”

“I’m sniffing you,” answered Hermione, matter of factly. “You smell like cupcakes. Hmm...I read somewhere that cupcakes and the meaning of life are somehow related. I wonder if that’s true.”

Harry cautiously sniffed himself. He couldn’t smell anything and was doubly insulted at Hermione saying that he did. He replied angrily, “I do NOT smell! And cupcakes have absolutely nothing to do with the meaning of life!” He was in a very huffy mood.

“Don‘t feel bad, Harry,” Ron added. “Hermione seems to think I would make a good fangirl. Right, Hermione?!” He threw his hands up and started to prance like a girl around the common room. “I‘m a pretty, pretty girl! I would love to be your fangirl, Mr. Kloves! After all, I‘m a pretty, pretty girl!”

“Stop it, Ron!” yells director Kloves as he intrudes in my fanfic yet again. “Stop it! I‘m cutting this scene out of the film on the basis of it‘s just too sickening. People are eating in the theater. I would scare all of my audience away! I would never make another movie again! I would never get to win the Academy Award for Best Picture! I’ll never get a fangirl! Why?! Why do people do this to me?!” He exits my fanfic, crying his eyes out over the end of his film career as we continue.

At that moment, Dean and Seamus entered the common room.

“Hello, Hermione,” Dean said, smiling at her.

“Guess what everyone?” Seamus asked. “Dean just taught me how to do tumbleturns. He says I‘m an excellent tumbleturner. Watch.”

Seamus executed a perfect tumbleturn in front of everyone. Everyone clapped as Seamus took a few bows.

“Wicked!” said Ron, clearly impressed with Seamus’ talent.

“Excellent!” Harry responded.

“Wonderful!” Hermione said.

“Thank you. Thank you,” Seamus said. “I appreciate your great comments toward my tumbleturning ability, but I‘m hungry. Let‘s go and get something to eat.”

“I second that,” Ron said. “I‘m famished. And I heard that my mom‘s cooking for the school now. The food is going to be first rate.”

“I‘m not really hungry,” Harry said. “I think I‘ll just have a glass of milk. On the rocks.”

Hermione looked at him funny. “Harry, you can only order alcohol on the rocks. Are you okay?”

Harry shook his head, getting slightly dizzy again. “You‘re right, Hermione. I guess this cupcake is getting to be a big hassle. It might be sucking out my brain cells and stuff.”

“I don‘t think so, Harry,” Hermione responded. “But that extra weight on the side of your head could cause neck and back pain. That could, in turn, subject you to headaches and an inability to play Quidditch. You‘d better get it off soon. Let‘s go something to eat guys.”


To be continued...

Here's more.


The Gryffindors exited the portrait hole and were walking down the hallway to the Great Hall when they spotted Dobby. He was sitting down against the wall, cursing about socks.

“Bad socks!” Dobby said. “Stupid socks! Icky socks!”

“Hello, Dobby,” Harry said. “What’s bothering you?”

Dobby looked up and gave a great big smile to Harry. “Harry Potter and his friends have come to make sure Dobby is happy. Harry Potter and his friends are good to Dobby.” He then went around to each person and hugged their knees.

Harry, quite taken aback at Dobby’s hugging gesture, knew something was wrong with his favorite house-elf. “What‘s wrong, Dobby?” Harry asked.

“Harry Potter,” Dobby replied. “A great misfortune has befallen me. My precious socks have done the unforgivable to me.”

At this mention of socks, Dobby again went on a swearing rant against socks in general. It took Harry, Ron, and Seamus several minutes to calm him down enough to tell them what was wrong.

“Dobby is sorry, Harry Potter,” Dobby said. “But the socks were so terrible to me. And Dobby loved his socks very much.” He began to wail loudly as large crocodile tears formed in his big, round eyes.

“Poor Dobby,” Hermione said, comforting Dobby. “What did those terrible socks do to you?”

Dobby looked up at her. “Friend of Harry Potter, those socks gave Dobby a terrible curse called Athlete‘s foot. Not a single step Dobby takes is peaceful. Constantly, Dobby feels this great urge to reach down and scratch his feet. Dobby would too, but Dumbledore says not to. Dubmledore says he can cure it. He gives me healing cream and Dobby puts it on and the cream works. Dumbledore is a great man. He saved Dobby like Harry Potter freed Dobby, but socks have given me terrible trouble. Dobby has sworn off socks forever. Dobby does not want to see another sock again for as long as he lives.”

Dobby crossed his arms across his chest and stood proud and firm against the enemy of socks. It looked to everyone that he was very serious about this new stance in his life.

“Good for you, Dobby,” Ron said. “And how is Winky doing?”

Dobby’s face changed back to complete sadness at the mention of Winky’s name.

“Winky is dead, other friend of Harry Potter,” Dobby answered sadly. “Winky could not stop being depressed over Mr. Crouch. Winky became a butterbeer drunk and overdid the butterbeer last week.” Dobby shook his head. “At least, it was a peaceful death. Dobby doesn‘t think Winky suffered any. But it‘s terrible being a butterbeer addict.”

Dean sniffed back his tears. “I know what you mean, Dobby. My mum was a butterbeer addict, too. It happened when dad left us. She figures it was for another witch. Someone prettier and younger. She was so depressed that she turned to the butterbeer for comfort and to forget him.”

A lone tear trickled down the side of his face as he continued on.

“Thankfully, she got help. A group called Butterbeer Addicts Anonymous was her saving grace. Their twelve-step program helped to break her butterbeer addiction for good. She hates butterbeer now. She doesn‘t even touch the stuff.”

He was openly crying now.

“It‘s a disease, I tell you! A terrible disease!”

Seamus searched in his pockets for a handkerchief to give to Dean, but could only find a pair of gloves, some scotch tape and a miniature yellow violin. He gave the pair of gloves to Dean.

“Here, Dean,” Seamus said. “Sorry, but I don‘t have any handkerchiefs with me.”

Dobby sighed again. “Yes. Life has been hard for Dobby lately. Dobby had to reevaluate his place in life. It has taken much soul searching for Dobby, but Dobby thinks he has finally found his calling.” Dobby looked up at the group. “Dobby has quit his job as house-elf for Hogwarts and has decided to cultivate Carnivorous African Tundra Trees.” Dobby smiled, the pride in his face quite evident.

“That‘s great, Dobby,” Harry said. “But what are Carnivorous African Tundra Trees?”

“Dobby will explain to Harry Potter and his friends because Dobby loves Harry Potter and his friends.” Dobby went around and hugged everyone’s knees again. “Harry Potter and friends,” Dobby began. “A Carnivorous African Tundra Tree is a common tree that is found everywhere, except for the African Tundra. These African Tundra Trees can grow anywhere from two inches to twenty-four feet in height and during the winter months it blossoms beautiful pink flowers that attempts to chew the fingers off of any witch or wizard that tries to pick the flowers off.”

“I guess that‘s where the carnivorous part of the name comes from,” Dean observed.

“But why are they named after the African Tundra if there aren‘t any there?” Hermione asked.

Dobby turned to Hermione and said, “Friend of Harry Potter, there were once many Carnivorous African Tundra Trees in the African Tundra. They were originally cultivated there and flourished in that location. However, the African Tundra Trees quickly grew bored with the scenery. The trees packed up and took a trip around the world. The African Tundra Trees were so taken with different locations in the world, they decided to resettle in those areas. In the end, not a single African Tundra Tree wanted to go back, so that‘s why there aren‘t any in the African Tundra anymore.”

“Oh, that‘s...interesting,” Hermione replied skeptically.

“But aren‘t you leaving the house-elves in Hogwarts shorthanded,” Seamus said. “With you and Winky gone, how are the others going to get the work done?”

“Friend of Harry Potter,” Dobby replied. “There are many other house-elves to take care of the responsibilities Hogwarts requires. Also, Dumbledore has taken the extra measure to hire one Mrs. Molly Weasley to do the cooking for the castle. Dumbledore is truly a great man. Dumbledore said he didn‘t want the house-elves to buckle under the strain of cooking, cleaning, washing, and staying hidden. Dumbledore called it cruel. Dobby does not understand why. House-elves love to cook and clean. House-elves live to serve.”

“I wonder what my mum’s going to be cooking for today,” Ron said as he licked his lips. “My mum is the best when it comes to cooking.”

Dobby looked at Ron with pity in his eyes as he offered the bad news. “I am sorry, friend of Harry Potter, but Mrs. Weasley was offended by one of the house-elves last night and won‘t cook. She has said that she is going on something called a strike until the house-elf apologizes to her.”

“But what did the house-elf say?” Ron asked, panicking at the thought of no food.

“The house-elf tasted some of Mrs. Weasley‘s cooking and said it was the worst thing he had ever tasted in his life. Dobby has tasted it too, and has found it to be very delicious, indeed. Dumbledore has fine taste in selecting chefs for Hogwarts.” Dobby sighed again. “Poor Bob. Dobby knows that Bob did not mean it, but Bob has been very upset lately. He has not been acting like his usual self.”

“And why is Bob so upset?” Harry asked.

“Bob is upset because he has lost something very dear to him. He has looked everywhere, but he cannot find it. Bob is very sad. He is always crying in lonely corners and he has gotten drunk with butterbeer a few times.”

Everyone could hear Dean stifle a grunt at the mention of butterbeer as Harry asked, “And what has Bob lost?” Harry had the feeling that he knew what the answer already was.

“Bob is missing his button. It is round and has a pin on the back. The button says ‘Hi, I’m Bob!’ on the front in big bold letters. It almost looks like the button that you are wearing, Harry Potter.” Dobby walked closer to Harry and looked more closely at the button. “Harry Potter, that IS the button that Bob has been missing. Where ever did you find it?”

Dean stepped forward. “Actually, Dobby, I found it. It was just lying in the hallway, so I picked it up and took it with me. I‘m sorry about Bob. If I had known, I would have returned it.”

Dobby smiled at Dean. “Friend of Harry Potter, Bob will be so happy when he sees that his button is not lost.” He hugged Dean’s knees a third time and Harry removed the Bob button and handed it to Dobby. “Thank you, Harry Potter and friends. I must go and find Bob so that he will stop being mad and apologize to Mrs. Weasley. Goodbye.” Dobby took the button and snapped his fingers, disappearing from sight.

“Well, that‘s that,” Hermione said. “Let‘s get down to the Great Hall.”

And the group walked toward the Great Hall of Hogwarts with Hermione singing “Zymurgy is Our Queen” for the seventeenth, eighteenth, and nineteenth times.

“Okay, so, yeah,” Kloves says yet again. “I‘m cutting Dobby from the film. He‘s just too expensive to retain. I think I‘ll stick with Bob, the house-elf, and his puny button. Much cheaper. Oh, and speaking of money, I am now proud to present a commercial break in the story. I figured you guys needed it by now. Must be getting hungry and stuff. And the advertising is good for me. Don‘t forget to grab me a cupcake. Cupcakes are good.”


“Hello, everyone. I‘m Plum and this is Plum and we‘re here to talk about an issue that is very important to us....rusty pipes.”

“Are your pipes rusty? Are they leaking water on to your beautiful floor? Do your pipes not match the rest of your bathroom decor? Do you feel as if you could do better when it comes to your pipes?”

“Well, you can! And we‘re here to help you. We are Plum and Plum‘s Perfect Wizarding Plumbing and Loos! We‘ll solve your worries where they matter the most! From pipes to sinks and showers to loos, we‘ll turn that average, ordinary area into extrodinary brilliance!”

“Just give us a ring and let‘s see what we can do for you! We are the only plumbing service to offer the coveted 20 minute money back guarantee. And for a limited time only, get a free plum with purchase.”


To be continued, again...

And the last of the trilogy.


The group of Gryffindors finally arrived at the doors that led into the Great Hall. They opened them and stepped in, stopping almost instantly at the crazy scene that lay before them. In the middle of the hall stood a huge pear tree full of partridges. Standing next to the pear tree were Hagrid and Luna. It looked like Luna was teaching Hagrid how to jump rope barefoot. It would have been a success except that Hagrid’s giant toenails kept catching on the rope.

In a secluded corner, Snape sat alone playing with baby blocks. He was trying to pile them one on top of the other, but they kept toppling down into a big heap. It was easy to tell that Snape was getting frustrated with the uncooperative blocks. He had a scowl on his face and he was grunting and chucking blocks to anyone within his throwing range.

On the other side of the hall, there were many rows of chairs set up with a long runner down the middle of the rows. Harry and company walked down the row and noticed a small wedding arch at the far end. As they got closer, they saw a woman going over something written on a piece of parchment. They approached the woman when she looked up and saw the group of Gryffindors.

“Hello, students,” the woman said, greeting them. “How can I help you?”

“Um...sorry to bother you,” Harry said cautiously. “But we wanted to know why this is all set up? Is something going to be happening?”

“Of course,” the woman responded. “Two of your professors have expressed their undying love for each other and want to make it official to themselves, the world, their religion and the government.” She sighed. “Weddings are so wonderful.”

“Who‘s getting married?” Ron asked.

“Professors Flitwick and McGonagall,” she answered. “How silly of me. I didn‘t even introduce myself. I‘m Zymurgy, the new Headmistress of Hogwarts.”

From somewhere far off, they could hear the sound of thunder.

“You might have heard about me from the song ‘Zymurgy is Our Queen.’ Absolutely wonderful song! Must thank Felicia for that.“ She turned her attention back to the group of students in front of her. “And you are?”

“I‘m Har...Bob Weasley,” Harry said, barely recovering from his mistake. “This is my cousin Ron, his friend Hermione, and this is Dean and Seamus. It‘s very nice to meet you and all, but where‘s Professor Dumbledore?”

“Professor Dumbledore has decided to step down from his position at Hogwarts. He felt that he was growing soft in the wizarding world and decided to try being a muggle for a change. Personally, I think he‘s nuts.”

Suddenly, their conversation was rudely interrupted by screams coming from the area around the pear tree. Everyone ran over to see what was wrong. Luna and Hagrid were both just standing there stunned. Then Luna started pointing to the ground around Hagrid’s feet. The jump rope that Hagrid was using to jump rope with had broken in two. It looked like it was shredded. Harry remembered seeing Hagrid stumble constantly with his giant toenails and realized that Hagrid had probably broke the jump rope with his sharp toenails.

Luna continued pointing and started screaming again. “HAGRID!!! You broke my jump rope!! YOU BROKE IT!!!”

Hagrid looked panicked. He didn’t know what to do, so he tried to comfort Luna. “I‘m sorry, Luna. I can buy you another one. I‘m really, really sorry. I shouldn‘t have done that.”

Luna tried to calm herself down, but it only made things worse as it seemed to frustrate her because she couldn’t. The intensity of her anger grew and grew until she had reached the point of insanity.

“HAGRID, YOU MONSTER!!! WHY?!? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!? WHY?!? WHY DO THESE THINGS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME?!?!?!?!?”

And then, just as suddenly, Luna quieted down. She had the far away look in her eyes as she kept on mumbling under her breath, “...Fruit bat...Fruit bat...Fruit bat...”

Ron whispered to Harry, “Um...I think Luna‘s finally gone crazy. Look at her.”

Harry didn’t reply, but kept his eyes on Luna as she started to raise her arms and flap them like wings. She then started zooming around everyone and, spotting the pear tree, tried to fly up to the branches and feed on the fruit. However, the best Luna could do at her flying was continually jumping up and down, trying to get to the fruit sitting in the tree.

The crowd quickly dispersed as they left Luna to get her own pears. Dean and Seamus went back to inspect the wedding area while Harry, Ron and Hermione walked over to where Snape was. He was still trying to stand the baby blocks up.

“Hello, Professor,” Hermione said uncertainly. She didn’t know what was wrong with Snape, so she wasn’t even sure if he would understand what she just said.

Snape looked up at her and pointed. “Big Bird!” he said. “Big Bird! Big Bird! Big Bird!”

“Why‘s he doing that?” Hermione said, panicking at Snape‘s weirdness.

“Hermione,” Harry said. “I think he means the hair. It reminds him of Big Bird.” He burst into laughter.

“Big Bird!” Snape said again. He stood up and hugged Hermione before singing the Sesame Street song.

Harry was so doubled over with laughter, that he didn’t see Draco Malfoy enter with his cronies Crabbe and Goyle. Draco and Crabbe were both looking as mean as ever, but Goyle seemed to be different, to put it lightly. He was riding his broomstick around and kept riding up to random people and demanding where the ruby slippers were. He saw Harry and rode up to him.

“Well, well,” Goyle said in that nasally high-pitched voice of the Wicked Witch of the West. “What have we here? Harry Potter and his little friends. Where are my ruby slippers? I want them! I want them now!”

“Goyle,” Hermione snapped. “Stop being such an idiot. And get off of that pathetic excuse for a broomstick.”

“I‘ll get you my pretty,” Goyle replied. “And your little dog, too!”

Hermione grabbed a bucket of water that just so happened to be near by. “Buzz off before I throw some water on you, you crazy nutter.”

Goyle immediately zoomed off and screamed back at the trio, “Surrender you pathetic nitwits or I‘ll get you! I‘ll send my winged monkeys after you!”

“Stupid,” Hermione said. “I wonder how he got into Hogwarts at all. He doesn‘t have a smidgen of brains. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah.” She went back to singing “Zymurgy is Our Queen” again as Harry pulled out Ron’s batteries from his pocket.

Harry’s day was barely done, but he was zapped of energy. He wondered if the batteries did work. He opened the package and removed one of the batteries. After putting the rest of the batteries back in his pocket, Harry placed the battery between his thumb and index finger with the positive side of the battery against his index finger. He pressed against the battery and waited. He didn’t feel anything. Nothing happened. Harry flipped the battery around and tried it again. Still nothing.

I’m going to kill Ron, he thought as he slipped the battery back into his pocket. He would get rid of them later.

“Okay, I‘m done,” Hermione said. “I hate that song. I hate it and I don‘t ever want to sing it again.”

“Are you talking about ‘Zymurgy is Our Queen’?” Ron asked. “I thought you loved that. You wouldn‘t stop singing it.”

“I used to like it,” Hermione replied. “But after singing it for fifty-five times, I’ve grown to hate and despise it. I don‘t ever want to be reminded of it again.”

“Why fifty-five times?” Ron asked again. “Doesn‘t Felicia‘s dare say forty-five times?”

“Yes Ron, it does,” Hermione answered sarcastically. “I‘m disappointed in you. I thought you would have noticed my over-achieving spirit by now.” She sighed to herself. “Some boys just don‘t see anything.”

“Goody for you,” Harry said. “But I think the wedding‘s about to start. Everyone‘s coming in now.”

The doors to the Great Hall opened up as students and professors made their way into the place. They took their seats and were chatting amongst themselves, waiting for the wedding to begin. Within the crowd, Professor Flitwick made his way up to the altar. People were noticing and were starting to clap. Some even shouted out words of encouragement to the professor.

“Go get ‘um, tiger!”

“You‘re the man, Professor!”

“Love to the short guys!”

The professor blushed at these words and hurried even faster to the altar to wait for his beloved, Professor McGonagall.

After a half an hour, Zymurgy stood up from her seat and turned to address the gathered. “Friends, family, students, professors, I welcome you today to see the joyous celebration of marriage between two of our most loved professors, Flitwick and McGonagall. I would‘ve played the organ for this very deserving couple, but it seems that the school organ broke down last week. Therefore, I would like for everyone to sing several choruses of ‘Zymurgy is Our Queen’ as a wedding march for our lovely professor. If you would, please.”

The audience started singing as Hermione put her fingers in her ears and Professor McGonagall made her way down the aisle. She was a stunning sight in her perfectly tailored wedding dress and multiple flowers in her hair and her bouquet. As she walked, Professor Flitwick seemed to stand a little straighter and taller. He was evidently very proud to have McGonagall as his wife. After she made it to the altar, the minister began with the ceremonies. Harry sat there, drifting off to sleep. He was happy that two good people were getting married, but he was tired and the last thing he wanted to do was to sit and watch something that didn’t really interest him. He was just about to succumb to the delights of sleep, when Hermione elbowed him.

“They‘re almost done, Harry,” she whispered to him. “They‘re at the ‘I dos.’ Stay awake.”

Harry’s attention focused in on the very-soon-to-be-married couple as the ceremony was almost done.

“I do,” Flitwick said.

“I do,” McGonagall replied.

“I now pronounce you man and wife,” the minister said. “Sir, you may kiss the bride.”

At that moment, a great dragon crashed into the Great Hall from the windows. He was mean and angry and flared fire through his nostrils. Just your typical everyday hungry, deadly dragon.

“Fear me!” the Dragon roared. “I am hungry and I have come to feed on you! Justify your existence to me or be eaten!”

“You can‘t eat me or my wife,” Flitwick said. “We just got married. We need to have our honeymoon and our first argument and our first kid together.”

“Very well,” the Dragon said. “I will not feed on you or your rather attractive wife.” At this comment, McGonagall blushed and snuggled closer to her husband. “Now, who is next?”

“You can‘t eat me,” Draco said. “I have my duty to uphold as supreme enemy of Harry Potter. I can‘t let my fans down. But you can have Crabbe and Goyle. They suck.”

The Dragon grabbed Crabbe and Goyle with his claws. With both of them screaming, the Dragon gulped them down in one swallow. He eyed the others. “Who is next?”

“You can‘t eat me or my friends,” Harry said. “We have a contract with J.K. Rowling. We‘re the main characters in the story and can‘t die. At least, not until the end of the series.”

“I will not eat you or your friends,” the Dragon said. “Who‘s next?”

Snape looked up at the Dragon and pointed. “Big Bird! Big Bird! Big Bird!”

The Dragon reached for Snape and took him in his claws. He opened his mouth and almost ate Snape, when he suddenly decided not to and set Snape down again.

“Gross,” the Dragon said. “I would eat him, but he‘s too greasy and slimy. I would gain so much weight.” He surveyed the rest. “I‘ll be back for the rest of you later. When I get hungry again. Better start thinking of your excuses now before I eat you!”

With that, the Dragon flapped his giant wings and took off, flying far and away from Hogwarts.


Thankfully, this is The End.


The Last Word:
This is Steve Kloves again. I was supposed to come back during the second half of the story to cut all of the scenes, but a very important call came in. It was my agent and he’s found me fangirls! I’m gonna party! But before I do, there are several things that I must say.

First off, this entire fanfic sucks. I don’t even know what I was thinking when I said it was the best thing ever written. I must have not had much sleep or something. I feel embarrassed to even be associated with this stupid thing. I’m cutting the entire story. I’ll throw in two seconds of Harry’s scar, bring back the Ford Anglia, and retain the cupcake in a starring role. I’ll make millions! I just know it!

Secondly, there was no bananas line. I just put that in to sucker you into reading this. Deal.

Thirdly, the call for fangirls is always open. Contact my agent for details.

Fourthly, did I say that this entire fanfic sucks?

I think that’s it. I’m off to party with my fangirls. I think I’ll have myself a glass of milk on the rocks when I get there.

Ciao,
Steve Kloves

A Mess of Monstrous Magical Proportions

(7.59 am Saturday morning, Boys Dormitory)


Harry woke to the most peculiar noise. It sounded like someone was being strangled slowly in the common room. Always eager for the opportunity to save a life, Harry jumped out of bed and dressed quickly. Whilst trying to pull his gloves on unsuccessfully, Harry realised he’d forgotten to put his glasses on. He grabbed them off the table and quickly shoved them on his face.

*Squish*

Harry reached to where the squishing sound was made and pulled a chocolate cupcake off the side of his head. It took Harry a second to remember the food fight that had erupted over dinner last night, when it was announced that Zymurgy would be replacing Dumbledore as Headmistress (Not that Dumbledore was a Headmistress, he was a headmaster – but I digress) Because Steve Kloves had decided to cut Dumbledore from the story because he is too old. Harry found himself daydreaming about being sent to Zymurgy’s office when the noise began again from downstairs, now accompanied by a screeching noise.


(2 minutes later, Gryffindor common room)


Harry ran into the room and stopped in his tracks. The room looked like a hotel room trashed by drunk rock stars.


Steve: That’ll HAVE to go. We can’t have that sort of imagery in a childrens movie.

Me: pfft whatever *starts planning a slow and painful death for Mr Kloves*


Hermione was standing on a table, Hairbrush microphone in hand, singing at the top of her lungs “Zymurgy is our Queen”, the new school anthem. Harry did a double take as he realised Hermione’s hair was Orange – bright orange. If that wasn’t weird enough, Ron was playing a yellow violin and Lavender was on the far side of the room teaching Seamus to do tumbleturns. Both of them also had bright orange hair.


“Excuse me, but what is going on here?” Harry asked politely.


No one answered, as Hermione’s ‘singing’ had drowned out his voice.

Harry walked over to Ron and yelled the same question in his ear.


“New band, mate. You want in? We need a tambourine player. Headmistress Zymurgy has ordered the formation of a school band, the Orange Juicies, to play at McGonagall and Flitwicks wedding this afternoon. Hermione volunteered us, and took the name of the band literally, that’s why we’ve all got orange hair”


“Umm okay” said Harry, suddenly wishing he had stayed in bed, or better yet, jumped out of the dormitory window and abseiled to the ground, run away and lived happily ever after in a pineapple under the sea.


“Great. HEY HERMIONE, HARRY’S SAID HE’LL JOIN THE BAND”


Hermione stopped singing. Taking a few moments to catch her breath, she spoke.

“Cool. Phew, singing that song 45 times is hard work. I need a drink. Colin, bring me a glass of milk. On the rocks” she said, snapping her fingers at Colin, who had mysteriously appeared in the story at this moment as the group’s roadie/official photographer/stylist/gopher/security guard, with Orange hair. Colin sprinted from the room, narrowly missing colliding with Seamus, who had mastered the art of tumbleturns and was now circling the room doing them and shouting "I'm a pretty, pretty girl!”.


Lavender, looking pleased with herself, was now making costumes with what looked suspiciously like the curtains from the common room, and scotch tape, and she was using Neville as a model. Neville looked none too happy with the arrangement, as he was trying to read a book at the same time. His hair was not Orange, but his face was green.

“Eureka!” he shouted.


“I do NOT smell!” yelled Lavender, bursting into tears.


"I'm a pretty, pretty girl!” Yelled Seamus.


Neville started to cackle maniacally. “I’ll get you my pretties, for I am the Wicked Witch of the West!” And with that he began to chase Seamus around the room, wearing a half finished, scotch taped costume and brandishing a broomstick in one hand and giant toenails in the other, and he was flicking these at Seamus, and everyone else in the room.


Still feeling rather sleepy, Harry decided he’d better get some energy before he started practising the tambourine. He pulled two AA batteries from his pocket and put them in his mouth, proceeding to attempt to chew them.


“What are you doing?” Inquired Ron.


“I ish shleeepy, need energsy “ Harry said with his mouth full


Hermione tutted and made Harry spit out the batteries.


“Where is that Colin? I need that drink!”


At this precise moment Colin zoomed back to Hermione and gave her the milk on the rocks she requested.

“About time. Now, go get Harry a very strong coffee”.


Colin turned around, rolled his eyes, and pondered the meaning of his life as he ran out of the room to the kitchens.


Hermione sculled most of her drink and turned to Ron and Harry. She pulled out her wand, pointed it at Harry and turned his hair orange.


“Right, what shall we practise next? The Sesame street theme song?”


Ron started playing the violin again and Harry picked up the tambourine and started hitting it at random moments during the song, which went a little something like this:


“Sunny Day
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet

Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Sesame Street

Come and play
Everything's A-OK
Friendly neighbors there
That's where we meet

Can you tell me how to get
How to get to Sesame Street

It's a magic carpet ride
Every door will open wide
To Happy people like you--
Happy people like
What a beautiful

Sunny Day
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet

Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Sesame street...

How to get to Sesame Street”

(Meanwhile, in the kitchens…)

Colin ran down the corridor leading to the kitchen, stopping in front of the picture of a partridge in a pear tree. Tickling the partridge, the door swung open and a big cloud of steam whooshed into the corridor.

Colin entered to see Professor Snape sitting in a pile of spaghetti in the middle of the floor, a dumb look on his face. Closer inspection revealed that he was wearing a name badge that said 'Hi, I'm Bob!'.

“What are you doing professor?”

“ ummm well lovely Zy commanded me to makes her lunch in bed, so I came here to get Elves to make it, but they not here, they go bye-bye. So I make lunch myself, spaghetti and meatcubes. You think Zy mind if we eat off floor?”

“She probably would mind. I wonder where the house elves have got to? Who’s going to cook for the wedding if they’re not here? Lotus is already making the flowers, Cass is performing the ceremony, and Zy is far too busy being headmistress-y” Colin started looking in cupboards for signs of the house elves. Snape started playing with the spaghetti.

In one cupboard Colin found Winky, dead. Looking her over, he decided she must have died from iamsuchabadhouseelffordesertingmymasterinhistimeof greatestneed
istoppedeatinganddrankmysorrowsawaydestroyingmyliv erandkidneysandkillingmeitis. Making a mental note to bury her later, Colin kept searching through the cupboards. He heard snuffling noises from the bread pantry. Opening the door, Colin saw Dobby weeping, wearing a hat and shorts, but oddly for him, no socks.


“What’s wrong Dobby?”

“Winky is dead and Dobby cried and dried his tears with his socks, which gave him athletes foot. And so now I have sworn off wearing socks forevermore”

“Oookay then” Colin said, shutting the door.


Remembering that he was down here to get Harry a coffee, and fearing the wrath of Hermione if he took too long, Colin forgot all about Snape and Winky and Dobby, made the coffee and ran back to the common room, being careful not to spill any.

(Gryffindor common room, 2 hours till wedding time)

Hermione finished the song with a flourish. Lavender sat in the corner and pondered the meaning of life. Neville and Seamus were still circling the room, Seamus still shouting “I’m a pretty, pretty girl!”. Neville had run out of Giant toenails, so was now swatting at Seamus with the broomstick and cackling “Who killed my sister? Who killed the Witch of the East? Was it you?”

Colin sccoted into the room and handed Harry his coffee. Hermione, not wanting the ice at the bottom of her glass, chucked it. It hit Neville square in the face, which stopped him in his tracks. He proceeded to fall to the floor and squirm around, yelling things like “I'm melting! I'm melting!” and “Who ever thought a little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness?”


“Arrrrgh” Hermione yelled. “I can’t concentrate on my singing with this racket! Lets go outside and set up for the ceremony”


And with that they all changed into the costumes Lavender had made while crying and pondering the meaning of life, grabbed their instruments and followed Hermione out the door.

ATTN: WE TAKE A BREAK FROM OUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING TO BRING YOU THIS MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSORS

A Song begins: “Plum and Plum's Perfect Wizarding Plumbing and Loos,

We should be the ones you choose
If something down the potty you did lose,
Call us and we’ll fix your plumbing blues”

Me: Where did THAT come from? Steve?

Steve: Well, the last movie didn’t make much money, so I’ve decided to increase the amount of product placement and subliminal advertising to make me us more money. So if you could find some way of putting a Starbucks in the story, That would be great

Me: no way! I won’t take this intrusion on my creative liscence any longer *ties up Steve and leaves him on the castle lawn for the dragon who will shortly appear in the story to eat*

(10 minutes later, walking past Hagrids Hut, School Grounds)


As the trio, followed by Colin, Seamus, Lavender and Neville, walked past Hagrid’s Hut, they were greeted by the most peculiar sight. Luna Lovegood was hanging upside down in a 'Carnivorous African Tundra Tree' like a fruit bat, yelling instructions at Hagrid, who was attempting to jump rope, and flapping her arms like they were wings. Hagrid was explaining to her what 'Carnivorous African Tundra Trees’ were in great detail, and how he planned to cultivate them and sell them to make money for his planned holiday to New Zealand with Madame Maxime.

Luna spotted them and yelled “I’m starving, is it true you are out of banana’s?”
Harry looked puzzled then said “Yes, we have no bananas."

They made their way to the stage where the wedding was to be held. Lotus was arranging large bouquets of flowers around the stage, Cass was talking in hushed tones to a very nervous looking Professor Flitwick, and Zy was leading Snape to their seats at the front.

Just behind them sat Fred and George, on either side of Mrs Weasley. They were taking turns in saying “Mum, we’re hungry. Feed us please” to which she would reply “ I will not cook. I refuse to cook. No cooking for me”.

Hermione directed the rest of the ‘Orange Juicies’ to where they should set up on stage. They had just finished doing a sound check when Cass said “Lets get this party started shall we?”.


The crowd all sat down and waited for Cass to begin the ceremony.


“Dearly Beloved, We are gathered here today to witness the union of Minerva McGonagall to Professor Flitwick. If anyone knows a reason these two should not be wed, let them speak now or forever hold their peace”


“Spaghetti” said Snape.


"I'm a pretty, pretty girl!” Yelled Seamus


At that moment Henry the Dragon swooped down and stood in front of Cass.

“You, justify your existence or be eaten” he said to her.

Always calm under pressure, Cass grabbed the green stapler she kept in her pocket for protection, brandished it in front of her, let off a few warning staples, then replied “I am a very important person, if I don’t finish the wedding ceremony and pronounce these two man and wife, Kirstie won’t have completed all the Dare requirements and her story won’t be finished. If you’re hungry I suggest you chow down on Steve Kloves, Kirstie left him tied up just for you”


Henry nodded in agreement and flew off with Steve in his mouth.


The wedding proceeded without a hitch and the ‘Orange Juicies’ were a huge hit, even with Hermione’s dreadful singing voice.


THE END

Zymurgy, Headmistress of Hogwarts

It was a shock to the Wizarding World. Trelawney may have predicted it, but nobody listened or cared when she did. Dumbledore was leaving Hogwarts.

Dumbledore had asked McGonagall to marry him every year since she’d started teaching. She’d always refused. The final blow to the old man’s soul must have been, not that she rejected him for another, but that she rejected him in favor of a half goblin pipsqueak of a teacher who had giant toenails, namely Flitwick.

Be that as it may, events unfurled, the happy couple was married, and Albus Dumbledore shuffled off into the sunset, sniffling unhappily.

At about this time, emissaries from Hogwarts arrived at Zymurgy’s Omniscient Omnipotent Omnicoolbeans Office. Or rather, one emissary. Or rather, Professor Snape.

"I regret to inform you,” said Snape, flopping into a beanbag chair. “Hogwarts hasn’t got a Headmaster anymore.”

Zymurgy looked up from her work on a dare from a n00b. “What?”

“He left last week,” said Snape. “I was supposed inform you of your election as Headmistress then, but… I got held up.”

“By what?” asked Zym, leaning back in her chair.

“Well,” said Snape, “by the edict of the the partridge, I ..."

“What partridge?” interrupted Zym.

“The one in the pear tree, you know,” explained Snape carelessly, waiving a hand. “The thing went ahead and made it a law, that I’ll always be retarded.”

“You seem sane,” Zym pointed out warily.

“Well, yes,” said Snape. “I’m not mentally retarded. Retarded as in hindered. Held up. Impeded. I can’t get anywhere on time...”

Slowly, Zym nodded, as she added, “fashionably late, perhaps unhinged?” in her extensive file on Snape’s character.

“I’m cutting that out of the movie version,” announced Steve Kloves, popping out of the woodwork. “They won’t ever know WHY anybody does things. Oh, and we’ll never tell them who you are…just like nobody’ll ever find out who Moony is. BWAHAHA!”

Kloves disappeared, turning a coat as he left.

“Who was that unsavory character?” asked Snape.

Zymurgy shook he head. “He’s got me into such a paranoid state that I don’t go anywhere without my stapler.”

Snape raised an eyebrow. “You? The Founder of the Evil Elite, the Marathon Darer, the Rule Enforcer, the All Time Gorgeous Looking Wonderful Author, must resort to defense with Muggle office supplies?”

Zymurgy pulled the green stapler from her pocket and displayed it. “It’s the only thing that helps.”

“Of course” Snape said sadly. “but there are some forces which cannot be stopped. Where nothing helps. Like Scotch Tape Worms.”

Zymurgy made a face.

Snape shook his head sadly. “Yes, a terrible House Elf disease. It develops when they’re too depressed, gradually wrapping them into a sticky mess of dementia, until they expire. Winky has died from it, poor dear.”

Zymurgy sighed. “… to end her life like that. What is the meaning of life?”

Just then, a Dementor in pink tights glided into the room. “S’cuse me, ma’am,” he said, “but I’m here to make a complaint.”

Zymurgy looked brightly up at him. “Yes?”

The Dementor fidgeted with his hood. “It’s like this, see. Me and my friend are in your stories, but… it’s… nobody knows which of us is which.”

Zymurgy nodded and tapped her chin with a pencil. “You look very much the same, you dress the same, and nobody can see your faces…”

The Dementor nodded vigorously. “Add to that that nobody ever sticks around us because we’re soul sucking evil dudes… I just want them to know me for who I am.”

Zymurgy opened a drawer, the contents within rattling. “Lets see now,” she said, rummaging through it. “SPEW button, EEFFD button, Project Ferret button… ah ha! The “Hi! I’m Bob!” button.”

She handed the button to the Dementor who promptly bursted into tears. “I’m BILL!” he shrieked, throwing the button across the room. "I HATE YOU!"

Zymurgy shook her head, as Bill dissapeared.

Steve Klove’s head popped into the fireplace. “I’m cutting that from the movie version, too. BUT- the button will be there. And everybody will watch the movie and wonder what in the name of Merlin the button’s doing there, and how it got there! BWAHAHA!”

With a crackle of Floo Powder Steve’s head disappeared, and Snape and Zymurgy were alone once more.

“Now that we’re alone,” whispered Snape, leaning forward, “I just wanted to tell you that-“

He was interrupted when an enormous Dragon crashed through the window and landed on Zymurgy’s desk. “JUSTIFY YOUR EXISTANCE!” shouted the Dragon.

Snape blinked, shocked speechless. “Er… ah…”

“TOO LATE!” roared the Dragon. “Had your chance, MUFFED IT!” With that, the Dragon gulped Snape down, and flew off.

“Darn it all,” grumbled Zymurgy. “I’m sure that’s somehow Cassirin’s fault. Every time I get Snape alone…”

“And that,” said Steve Cloves, popping in again, “will take at LEAST ten or fifteen minutes in the movie…"

After these messages, we’ll be right back!

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We also are sponsoring the current project to get Hogwarts a new bathroom! There simply aren’t enough. For more details on how YOU can help the Hogwarts Bathroom Fund, go to Project Ferret, on the Floo Between!

We’re back- but in the Malfoy Mansion!

“Now, now,” said Lucius Malfoy, pulling on his leather gloves, “please stop pouting.”

“But,” complained Draco, “I don’t WANT to do this! The last time we did, my hair turned orange!”

Lucius shrugged. “It’s still orange,” he pointed out. “But that doesn’t matter. A Malfoy Looks Elegant in Absolutely Everything.”

Draco continued to pout.

“Look here,” snapped Lucius, “You’re the one that wanted the Suicidaly Optimistic Carnivorous African Tundra Tree of Marginally Inconsequential Fanfiction. Therefore YOU have to clean it.”

Draco rolled his eyes and sighed. “Oh come on, dad,” he whined. “You don’t make me clean up after the owl, do you? Or all my other pets? Why do I have to take care of the plant? I just wanted it because Potter hasn’t got one…”

Lucius smirked. “Draco, my boy,” he said, “seeing as we no longer possess a House Elf, yes, you DO have to clean up after your pets. Not to mention your room, the laboratory, and the blood on the dungeon floor. As for Harry Potter, I’ll get that pretty, and his little owl, too!”

Draco pouted. “Look, let’s just throw out the tree,” he suggested. “After all, its spines are ugly, and it jiggles like jello… it’s brown and disgusting and those leaves…”

“I didn’t ask for a description,” snapped Lucius. “I asked you to clean up after those crazy downy flowers it’s shedding. And if you can’t do it yourself, get our House Elf back and make him do it! You’re not in Kansas anymore!”

Lucius turned on his heel and marched out of the room.

Draco took one look at the floor, and decided that he would never be able to clean it. He was ankle deep in the strange yellow flowers, which looked vaguely like packing peanuts, not that Draco had ever seen any. He sighed. “I’ll have to get that ruddy elf back,” he grumbled. “Just when I thought I wouldn’t have to go back to school over the holls…”

Meanwhile, back in Hogwarts, Zymurgy was having slight trouble with her staff. The House Elves were refusing to work, but also refused to say why. When asked the reason for their strike, they simply moaned, “Oh the shame of it!” and banged their heads with the nearest blunt objects.

“Hermione,” pleaded Zymurgy, “tell the Elves to get back to work! They respect you! You lead SPEW!”

“I won’t,” snapped Hermione. “Because I’m NEVER in your fics! NEVER EVER!”

“Please,” begged Zymurgy. “I’ll even sing the Sesame Street song!”

Zymurgy began to sing, but Hermione sang louder.

“Zymurgy is our Queen,” sang Hermione. “She cannot rule a single theeng, her fics all stink, and so we think, Zymurgy is our QUEEN!!”

Zym let her head fall onto her new Headmistress’ desk with a thunk. “ZYMURGY IS OUR QUEEEEEEEN!” sang Hermione, skipping down the halls. “Zymurgy is our QUEEEEEEN!” In fact, she sand the song a total of 50 times, each time getting progressively higher pitched, when she’d reached the high C, she became so excited that she lost her footing, plunged off a moving staircase, to her death.

Poppy Pomfrey put on a pair of rubber gloves, and sighed. “What is the meaning of life?” she asked herself, as she dragged Hermione’s body to the Hospital Wing.

Steve Kloves walked by and surveyed the blood on the floor. “Eh…” he said, “I guess that can stay in the movie version. But only if she wears a miniskirt… but I’m cutting out the song- and putting in more frogs. There aren’t enough frogs in this story…” He walked off, muttering to himself and scribbling on a yellow pad.

Zymurgy, seeing that her only emissary to the House Elves was dead, decided to go see them for herself. “Please,” she begged for the hundredth time, “WHY are you striking?”

“OH THE SHAME OF IT!” they chorused, banging their heads. “THE SHAME! THE SHAME!”

Seamus rolled by, doing tumble turns, and shouting, “I’m a pretty, pretty girl!” The SlashMonster was chasing him, club raised on high.

Steve Kloves was chasing the monster, shouting, “We can leave it in! We’ll cut the House Elves strike to make it fit! It’ll boost the ratings!”

Zymurgy looked after them and shook her head. “I don’t want to know,” she said to herself. “I really don’t want to know.”

“OH THE SHAME OF IT!” yelled the House Elves, continuing their self-punishment. “THE SHAME!”

Zymurgy plugged her ears. “Will somebody PLEASE tell me what the shame is!”

Somebody tugged her robe from the back, and she whirled round to see a shamefaced and tearful Dobby.

“I is being the shame,” he sobbed. “I is developing Athletes Foot. I is even swearing off socks, but it is not helping, and my feet is being infected and disgusting. I is being a danger to my fellow House Elves. I is also sounding like a three year old because of this being wonky grammar.”

Zymurgy sighed. “Well, if you had a Suicidaly Optimistic Carnivorous African Tundra Tree of Marginally Inconsequential Fan fiction, you could use the extract of the flowers to cure your feet, and…”

Dobby only looked glummer. “The only such trees is being cultivated by Dobby’s old family. Dobby will never be getting help from them.”

Just then, Draco rounded the corner. “Dobby, THERE you are,” he snapped. “You must come home at ONCE! That thrice condemned tree is shedding flowers all over the place, and I can’t clean it up.”

Dobby brightened. “Master Draco is taking Dobby back? Master Draco is letting Dobby have the flowers?”

Draco scowled. “Only if you can fix my hair.”

“Hurray!” said Dobby. “Dobby is going home! Dobby is back with his family! Dobby is being a good elf and living happily ever after!”

“NOT SO FAST!” roared the Dragon, swooping in. “FIRST DOBBY IS JUSTIFYING HIS EXISTANCE.”

“Er…” said Dobby. “Dobby is not thinking…”

“TOO LATE!” interrupted the Dragon. “Had your chance, MUFFED IT!”

The Dragon gulped Dobby down, and flew off.

“Eeew,” said Malfoy, pinching his nose, “that was revolting.”

“Stop pinching your nose, Draco,” warned Zymurgy, “it’ll stay that way.”

Draco let go of his nose, and pulled out a small hand mirror. “It IS that way,” he snapped. “It’s aristocratic.”

“It’s pinched,” replied Zymurgy. “Don’t know why the girls love you. You’re ugly and pointy faced, not to mention snooty, stuck up, cruel and evil.”

Draco bursted into tears. “They don’t love me!” he wailed. “They only love Tom Felton! And Harry Potter! That’s why I had to get the tree… but nobody noticed, and nobody cared, and I didn’t even get Witch Weakly’s Most Charming Guy in Gardening Gear Award!”

“I noticed,” said a high quavering voice. “But I’m a fruit bat, so you won’t care.”

Draco spun round, to see Luna Lovegood. Her wand was holding her hair in a messy bun, and she was dressed in electric blue robes with a jump rope for a belt.

“Lovegood,” sneered Draco, in typical pureblood fashion, “You’re wearing a jump rope for a belt…”

“I tried to teach Hagrid,” she said, her head lolling to one side, “but he just said fruit bats can’t jump…”

Suddenly, Draco had a change of heart. He ceased to be cruel and evil minded, his heart swelling with a new emotion- love.

“Luna,” he said, falling to his knees, “I think I love you.”

“That’s nice,” said Luna vaguely. “But I’m a fruit bat. It can never be.”

A House Elf in the background began to play on a yellow violin, tears dripping from it’s overly large eyes and splashing onto the instrument.

“Please, Luna,” begged Draco. “Reform me. Bring me from the darkness to the light. I don’t care if you are a fruit bat, or batty, or loony. I just.. when I look in your eyes…I feel… a new reason for being. A reason not to join with skeletal red eyed evil dudes. Will you marry me?”

“All right,” said Luna. “But you’ll have to help me prove the existence of Steve Kloves.”

“I love you!” shouted Draco, joyfully sweeping her into his arms. “Let’s go back to the manor.

But before the odd pair could live happily ever after, the Dragon swooped in. “JUSTIFY YOUR EXISTANCE!” it shouted at Draco.

“Er… ah…” stuttered Draco.

“TOO LATE!” roared the Dragon. “Had your chance. MUFFED IT!”

The Dragon gulped down Draco, and flew off.

Luna sighed. “Oh well,” she said, “it wouldn’t have been a happy marriage. I’m a fruit bat, and he was a vampire…’

Zymurgy cleared her throat. “That was all very nice and touching,” she said, “but we have more important things to deal with right now. House Elves, now that the SHAME is gone, can you continue work?”

Immediately, all the House Elves banged their heads. “THE SHAME OF IT!” they yelled. “THE SHAME OF IT IS BEING WITH US STILL!”

“You mean,” said Zym, “that the Shame wasn’t Dobby?”

“Dobby is being the OTHER shame!” they yowled. “THE SHAME OF IT IS WITH US STILL!”

“This I’m definitely cutting from the movie,” said Kloves wandering into the room. “It won’t fit with the SlashMonster, and you can’t do pan shots in this cramped kitchen…”

“You can’t COOK in this Kitchen EITHER!” shouted Molly Weasley, stamping into the room. “AND I REFUSE TO DO SO ANY LONGER!”

“Mrs. Weasley?” asked Zymurgy confusedly. “What are you doing here?”

”The Shame!” whimpered the Elves, backing up from the furious red head. “The Shame is getting loose! The Shame is quitting!”

“I get it!” said Neville, who’d been watching the entire drama unfold from the rafters where he’d been stuck since Peeves stashed him there the day before. “Mrs. Weasley is the shame! Eureka!”

“I do NOT smell!” snarled Molly, rounding on the boy.

“I never said you did,” stuttered Neville.

“Yes, you did!” screeched Molly. “You said I reeked! That’s the last straw! I refuse to be insulted! I’m LEAVING!”

Molly ran off in a rage.

The House Elves were in a terrible state of weeping and crying. “The Shame has left! Oh the Shame of it! We is not knowing how to cook! We is not knowing what to do…”

“Harry’ll know what to do,” suggested Neville. “He’s a hero! He’ll fix everything!”

“Let’s go find him,” said Zymurgy. “To the bat cave!”

Zymurgy rushed off to find Harry, and the Elves rushed off to iron their hands. Neville was left stuck on the rafters. Luna came up and joined him there, because, as a fruit bat, she needed to hang from the ceiling. They got along very well together and lived happily ever after.

Zymurgy, in the meantime, had found Harry’s dormitory, and saw that he was fast asleep.

“RISE AND SHINE!” shouted Zymurgy. “UP AND AT ‘EM!”

Harry looked up groggily. “Whaa?”

“GET UP!” shouted Zymurgy. “HOGWARTS NEEDS YOU!”

Harry fumbled for his glasses. “Yeah, yeah,” he said. “Five more minutes…”

“Err…” said Zymurgy, “before you come and rescue everything, why have you got a cupcake stuck to your head?”

Harry sighed. “I tried to boost my energy with batteries, but… you know. Electricity just doesn’t work the same in Hogwarts.”

Zymurgy nodded. “You need to save Hogwarts. The House Elves are revolting!”

Harry nodded. “I know. Have you ever watched one eat?”

“Not that kind of revolting,” snapped Zym. “They’re refusing to work.”

“What’s that got to do with me?” asked Harry, removing his glasses again, and snuggling back into bed, smearing frosting onto the pillow.

“You’re the hero of the story!” shouted Zymurgy. “You NEED to save the day!”

“I only save people from Voldemort and Monsters,” grumbled Harry. “And I’m exhausted. Good night.”

Zymurgy tried to wake Harry, with very little luck.

Back in Mafoy Manner, Lucius Malfoy was looking into his globe and chortling evilly. “Poppies,” he cackled. “Poppies will make them sleep…”

Slowly, he coated the globe with a sticky red liquid. “Poppies… I’ll get that little pretty,” he snickered, watching Zymurgy trying to shake Harry awake, “and her little hero, too!”

Zymurgy finally gave up waking Harry, and went to get help. It was then she realized that the entire population of the castle was asleep.

“Something is amiss,” she said, getting out her wand, “somebody thinks they’re the Wicked Witch of the West!”

“I AM THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST!” shouted Lucius, arriving on a broomstick. “And you shall come with me and live happily ever after!”

“Er…” said Zym. “That’s…. thanks for asking, but you’re… er… married to Lotus, not to mention… blond.”

“I am the WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST!” shouted Lucius again. “DO NOT DEFY ME!”

Zymurgy was spared by the only being not asleep: The Dragon.

“JUSTIFY YOUR EXISTANCE!” the Dragon roared.

Lucius cowered, and tried to keep his hair from being singed. “Er…”

“TOO LATE!” shouted the Dragon. “Had your chance! MUFFED IT!”

The Dragon gulped down Lucius and flapped off on his merry way.

“Darn it all,” grumbled Zymurgy. “What’ll I do now? All my characters are asleep or dead…”

“It’s ok,” said Steve Kloves, who for some odd reason had escaped the poppies. “You can just cut it out of the movie and never explain it.”

Zym sighed. “I suppose I’ll have to.”

“Now that it’s over,” said Steve. “Can I get you anything?”

Zymurgy perked up at once. “I’ll have a glass of milk,” she said. “On the rocks. And YOU can be the one to write all my back dares, now that you’re here, oh- and welcome the n00bs and run the thread and…”

Steve ran off screaming into the night and was never seen again.

Just then, Professor Snape wandered in, looking a bit the worse for the wear, but very much alive.

“Snape!” cried Zymurgy, overjoyed. “You’re alive!”

Snape raised an eyebrow. “So it would seem. The Dragon swallowed me whole, so I used a Regurgitus.”

“Why didn’t you do it before?” sobbed Zymurgy, falling into his arms.

“Well, you know,” said Snape, giving her a hug. “I worked as fast as I could, but my progress was retarded by all these people who kept telling me millions of reasons for their existence…”

And they lived happily ever after.

Until one day Cassirin became number five and shouted “SNAPE IS MY MAN!”

Free Association.
(Part I)




"What's the meaning of life?"

Harry: "I don't know, Neville. Friends and love and family?"

Hermione: "Don't be silly, Harry. It's Zymurgy. Zymurgy is our Queen."

Harry: "Well... that makes sense. I see how all goodness in this word can be reduced to Queen Zymurgy."

Hermione: "Blasphemy I hear!" *points* "You shall shut up before disgracing the name of our fair Queen Zymurgy, you stranger with the stuck-up cupcake!" *strikes pose* "For Zymurgy is our Queen. Don't you forget! Zymurgy is our Queen."

(The Table lapsed into silence.)

Ron: "That reminds me to ask. Why is there a cupcake in the side of your face, Harry, mate?"

Harry: "Because, Ron, I awoken this morning with this" - *points cupcake* - "stuck there" - *referring to the side of his head* - "this fine, fine morning" - *is behind redundant*

Ron: *frown* "Why did you awake with a cupcake stuck to the side of your head?"

Hermione: "Who did?"

Ron: "Harry did. That's what we are talking about."

Dean: *recently attentive to the conversation* "Harry did what?"

Ron: "Awoke with a cupcake stuck to the side of his head."

Ginny: "He did really?"

Harry: "Does everyone must know!" *angry* "Has my life got to be public like Hufflepuffs Changing Rooms?"

Ginny: "But did he? Did you?"

Ron: "Yes, he did. Now bugger off, Ginny, or I will privatize you again."

(Dean looks questioningly at his girlfriend)

Ginny: "Org called Sister-For-Rent. We needed the money and mum refused to cook."

Ron: "And I know they were looking for extras in the Power-Hufflepuff girls show!"

(Scary, inconsequential silence.)

Ron: "So anyway, why did you?"

Harry: "Did what?"

Ron: "Awake with a cupcake stuck to the side of your head!"

Harry: "Oh. Not sure. It was there without no reasonable explanation."

Seamus: "You know, Harry, I think I know what your cupcake is! It's wizarding acne. Only and since your skin is made of sugar it turned magically into a cupcake!"

(General reaction--> 0.0)

Ginny: "E-eurgh!"

Hermione: "That's pure science."

Ron: "And how do you know Harry's skin is made of sugar...?"

Seamus: *licks own lips*

Ron: *0.0 indeed*

Dean: "So, wait, does this mean that if you tried to pierce that cupcake... it would be full of --"

Ginny: "E-eurght! And double e-eurght!"

Hermione: "That has to be the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. And I have heard Ron eat and Britney Spears sing, which sound practically the same."

Harry: *roll eyes* "Tell me about it. I CAN'T have acne! I'm a pretty, pretty girl!"

Ron: *back-pat* "Uh, sorry mate."

Harry: *puts head on hands*

Ron: "Mh, Harry?"

Harry: "Yes?"

Ron: "Are you doing to eat your cupcake?"

Harry: "No, Ron, I am saving it for Snape."

(Meanwhile, in another part of the castle...)

"What's the meaning of life?"

"Eating, Headmaster?"

(That was Snape, nonplused, reading an advertising on Plum and Plum's Perfect Wizarding Plumbing and Loos, over and over again to figure out if there was something inside that flying loo...)

Dumbledore: "Exactly, a brilliant deduction, Professor Snape. (Snape: "Hurray!") And that's why we are having this food contest. To grace the ritual that is eating like mad people. Do you understand now, Professor Flitwick?"

Flitwick: "Ah, yes, yes. It all comes clear to me now, Headmaster! My, now, what should I wear? Such a glorious event!"

Dumbledore: "Something loose, my dear friend... Like Sybil's panties."

Flitwick: "Oh, yes, yes! I should ask her some one spare of them!" *over enthusiastically (Dumbledore's eye twitch) * "Oh I can't believe I'm participating on this! I have never eaten anything but dwarf food! Bless the day mother left me!"

Dumbledore: "Indeed, Filius, indeed. Now pass the salad."

(Groan from Dobby the House Elf who was handing in the food chart with an obvious limp. A duck is playing a yellow violin in the background for dramatic effect.)

Snape: "What's with you little fellow?" *looking at Dobby curiously* "Santa didn't give you any present?" *pout* "Happened to me too..."

(While) Flitwick: "- see, Mother wouldn't let me eat anything but what she prepared! He still thought I was a small boy, on my heights. I spent 1/4 of my life trying to let us know nor me or my father were nevergrowing boys. Peter Pan fan, my mother..."

Dumbledore: “Er…”

(Yet) Dobby: "Dobby is having funny walking because Dobby is having Athlete's foot."

(Oink!) Flitwick: "And now, Headmaster, now I see all clear! Food rules and therefore life must be spent -" *makes a pause to take pleasure of a spoonful of whipped cream - "for... eating."

(Flitwick gasps for breath, overwhelmed by the sensation, with teary puppy eyes.)

Dobby: "Dobby's Alethe's foot is contagious and Winky is got Alethe's foot too. And she sobs so much she dies of sorrow and become a Hogwarts ghost!" *annoyed*

Flitwick: *eyes water of emotion* "Is this possibly true, this flavor, this beauty. Could you make poetry out of this heaven I feel - oh hunger, you were never a friend. How was a deprived of this exhilarating taste that you call obsessive eating! Could this be, the work of a simple creature, was - was this possibly cooked by a house elf?"

Dobby: "So Dobby is not wearing socks no more, I tell Harry Potter, and Dobby swears off socks forever more!

Flitwick: "I know there're rules about mixing of species but -" *turns to Dobby* "Marry me!"

(But Dobby had thrown two smelly socks on Snape's face and marched away with limp. To which the smelly socks developed a mouth and said "I do NOT smell!". Turning, Flitwick met not Dobby but McGonagall's person.)

McGongall: ". . ."

Flitwick: "Ah - ah - ah, nononononono --"

McGonagall: "Oh, yes! YES! I will marry you, my beautiful little nevergrowing cutepie charm of my life! I will love you and feed you and keep you to love you forever more!"

(Ribs breaking hug, on Flitwick. Flitwick reaction resumed to --> 0¬0 )

McGonagall: *still hugging on Flitwick* "Oh, Dumbledore, please help us in this union, as you have the power!"

Flitwick: "But, dear Minerva, I'm not your type really -"

Snape: "And he is kinda small..."

Flitwick: "HEY!" *cough* "Small but... ehem, anyway."

Popfrey: "Yeah, remember the 'L' rule."

(Flitwick reaction resumed to --> 0¬0 )

McGonagall: *whispered* Dumbledore, move on! I'm reaching my 70 and I find no husband, much less one with a recently acquired fortune, could you help me here?"

Dumbledore: *eating*

McGonagall: "Dumbledore!"

Dumbledore: *chokes* "OK! OK! You are abusing of my generous soul."

(Dumbledore does weird magic pace with her hand.)

Dumbledore: "There. It is made." *shrugs as in 'pooh pooh sorry for you' at Flitwick*

(Flitwick reaction resumed to --> 0¬0 )

McGonagall: *hugs on Flitwick, tightly*

(Flitwick reaction resumed to --> 0¬0 )

McGonagall: *purrs*

(Staff Table general reaction resumed to --> 0¬0 )

McGonagall: "Well? What are you waiting for, Dumbledore? Don't you want to make the announcement?"

(And so, just after the School Song, which Dumbledore had changed for the Sesame Street's, the Headmaster stood to say something.)

Dumbledore: "My first announcement is that I shall for now on be called on my wish and command, Headmistress instead of Headmaster. And second, while I'm getting myself a sex-change operation and being chaperon in this two's honey moon, Miss Zymurgy will replace me in my position until further notice and abide each and every of her incoherent ruling and senseless desires."

(Dumbledore whistles and calls for a flying needle to carry the three of them. They disappear in a puff of smoke anyway.)

Zymurgy: "Thanks headmaster, and my first ruling is that you shall chant "Zymurgy is our Queen", only not you all, just Hermione for I'm her muse."

Hermione: *abides* "Zymurgy is our Queen" *bows*

Zymurgy: "Indeed. And while evil, evil Zymurgy replaces Dumbledore as Headmistress, I, Zymurgy, command that we shall now give Hogwarts a more evil, evil medieval-like look. We shall have princesses locked in towers and dragons to custody thy underwear’s. Deal.”

(And that shall be, since all the castle was re-painted, decorated and give the place the correct atmosphere to look like that of King Arthur's court. Plus Harry was forced into a knight amour, with a battle helmet over his cupcake. But back to the general reaction…)

(General reaction --> )

(HA! You weren't expecting that one, did you? *is evil*)

Steve Kloves: "That will be cut from the movie on your fanfiction" *takes note of it in his notepad*

(Then coming out from the Great Hall...)

Ron: "Eurgh. I don't WANNA know what those two are doing after their wedding day."

Harry: "You mean their Honey Moon?"

Ron: "There's NOTHING resembling honey about that day... that I want to think about."

Hermione: "Why all conversations return at some point or another to food?!"

(Unimportant silence.)

Hermione: "I'm hungry again. Wonders if there's any strawberries left..."

Dean: "There aren't."

Hermione: *stopped in her way to the kitchens* "Wha - why not?"

Dean: *miserably* "Zymurgy took them all away. And took Ginny too."

Harry: *frown* "Why?"

Dean: "Remember the part about princess to be rescued part? Well, seems that by all HP/GW shippers it's been established that Ginny is the lady in distress to be considered a Canterbury Tales princess of some sorts. And Ron sold her."

Ron: *shrug* "Don't look at me that way. She was going to be taken away anyways. Seemed like a good opportunity to bargain. Anyways."

Hermione: "I'm HUNGRY!" *glares* "I want STRAWBERRIES! Does nobody care about the happiness of a young girl at the growing of her flowering youth?"

(Intense silence.)

Hermione: "Sad destiny! Sour Younth!"

Seamus: *randomly* "I know of somebody's hairs that taste of strawberry."

Ron: "Wait, and let me guess. That's Neville's eyeballs and Dean here tastes of mint."

Seamus: "No, actually. Malfoy's tastes of strawberry."

Ron: *eyes closed tight* "And you know this because..."

Seamus: *licks lips*

Ron: "Oh that just gross, mate! You know Malfoy doesn't even wash his hair!"

Dean: *sigh* "I thought I had told you to stop licking our faces while we're asleep, Seamus."

Hermione: *sniff* "I want strawberries..."

Dean: "You know, there's this possibility..."

(Scene fades to the Hogwarts Play Grounds outside)

"Yes, what can we do for you?"

(In front of a hanging sign saying 'Longbottom and Lovegood's Fruits and Fretting!')

Harry: 0.0 "Didn't know you both raised fruit fields together."

(Somebody in the background sings "Strawberry fields forever!" with weird, wee circus midget voice.)

Neville: "Well, my Mimbulus Mimbletonia died from over-spitting of smelly substance so I'm growing Carnivorous African Tundra Tree now. What’s incredible about this tree is all about it. Synonyms are 'corrosive thing from the underword', 'acuariountus magnanimous' and 'Mama mia!'. A tree growing 50 to 100 feet, erect stem over 3 feet in diameter. Bark smooth and greyish. Leaves alternate, unequally pinnate, leaflets opposite, oblong, acuminate, and unequal at the base. It's like Venus Flytrap; it spits corrosive juices and mutates all over the place. It tried to eat Collin Creevey though its Yellowish, Giant main flower. I love it, with all my heart. The string down there is like the tongue. If you get to extract the juice from inside, it’s heaven. Since Luna already had a mix cabbage of fruit I didn't want to look unoriginal, so we started our own monopoly - Woot! Look! I found a partridge in a pear tree!"

(Neville shows everybody his discovery. To nobody's interest, the poor child.)

Ron: "Well, eh, and where's Luna?"

Neville: *points* "Right there. She's been trying all day to teach Hagrid to jump rope."

Luna: *singing* "I'm the Queen of the Peas,
You shall see, I'm wee,
I drop a snotty and I lean
To feed the giant Giant Squib
I spilled my beans on my knees
Ruined my favorite jeans
And had a very weird dream
With Harry, Draco and whipped cream~"

Harry: *cough* "I'm a pretty, pretty girl!"

Luna: *responds to the call* "How are you, Harry?"

(Hagrid gets tangled by the ropes, trips and falls into the lake, to the Giant Squid who feeds of him for mocking it in the song. Dean falls after him to his aid but then remembers he cannot swim. Hagrid lies forgotten and eaten.)

Hermione: "Hi, Luna! We were surprised to hear about your field and -"

Luna: *excitedly* "Yes, I have found my true profession in fruits. And we match alright, like meant to be. They are part of me because I'm a fruit bat."

Harry: "Fruit... bat?"

Luna: "Yeah! See? I see each time less, I have a very good ear and I have the capacity of knowing when a wall is before me only by screaming a it! Look -"

Harry: "NO!"

Hermione: "No, that would be OK, Luna, we believe you are a fruit bat."

Ron: "*CoughFruitcaseyoumeancough*"

Luna: *nods fevently*

Hermione: "We were wondering if you had any strawberries that you can give us -"

Ron: "Yeah, and some bananas!"

Harry: *frown* "Wait. Why bananas?"

Ron: *pout* "I like bananas!"

Luna: "I have strawberries but no bananas, and you can borrow them but you will have to return them to me later."

General state --> 0.0

Harry: "Return as in -"

Ron: "Sure! Sure, Luna." *cough*

Luna: *nods* "I will give them to you in exchange of something you give me as deposit. Has to be something you really appreciate. Something you love deeply..."

(Five minutes later Ginny was rented as momentary sister to Luna. In the background, a couple of Ravenclaws are sailing in the lake, with a giant toenail as boat -- Dobby's foot swell from infection, per see.)

Ron: *giving Ginny away who magically appeared back from princess tower* "Pleasure making business with you, Lovegood."

Luna: *smiles flirty* "Pleasure is all mine~"

Harry: "Dear Merlin..."

Hermione: "Well, he did get us the strawberries, right?" *shurg, calls* "Come on, Ron!"

Ron: "I'm right with you - Luna, are you sure you have no bananas?"

Luna: "Yes, we have no bananas."

Ron: "Bugger."

(They leave.)

Steve Kloves: "That will be cut from the movie on your fanfiction" *crosses out scene*

Neville: "You know what would be really weird? That the story ended right you, you know? It will feel so inconclusive."

~*~

Voice: "Will the Food Contest ever be held? Will this at some points make sense! And first and most importantly - WHO will eat Harry's cupcake! All next episode, friends! This segments is advertised by Plum and Plum's Perfect Wizarding Plumbing and Loos. And here a message from your sponsor:"

Plum: “Feeling like you are going to the throne not feeling like a king?”

Plum: “You feel your muscles ACHE for relief?!”

Crowd: “YES! WE HAVE BEEN SITTING HERE FOR OVER 12 HOURS!”

Chorus: “Ah, what happiness it is
To have your back rest and the rest back.
Buy Plums and Loos on Plums and Plums
And feel safe to go all though—"

Plum: “Now, wait a minute – why is his name first?!”

Plum: “Because I have more charisma.”

Voice: "Call now and you get for free a Part Time sister rented! In this week special, Ginny Weasley."

Free Associtation, Part II

~*~

(And so Neville joined the Gryffindor group, now of four.)

Ron: "What I didn't get is why Dumbledore needed to escort Flitwick and McGonagall on their honey moon!"

Harry: "Must be bored, the tired old man..."

(And then they meet someone.)

Ginny (who magically reappeared, again, to be the voice of sanity while Hermione is gone to chant "Zymurgy is our queen" once more): *frowns* "You?!"

(Meanwhile, at some place in the country.)

Flitwick: *drunk* "I'll have a glass of milk. On the rocks."

(Back to the normality of the castle.)

Draco: "I shan't let you pass until I have the red wishes shoes! I must have them, for only then I will be all powerful an grand. Mwahaha!"

Crabbe & Goyle: *puts intimidating faces*

Ron: "What are we talking about again?"

Goyle: *defies all laws of fanfiction and look smart* "Draco watched a Wizard of Oz special on TV. He hasn't been the same ever since."

Harry: "You can't have my shoes!"

(All look at Harry.)

Harry: "Well, yes, laugh, but they are still my shinny red shoes! MINE! MY OWN!"

Draco: *looking at Harry's helmet* “Ah, I see the Tin Man! Why are you carrying Dorothy's shoes? Ah, no matter, I know your weakness for you have no heart! I shall take advantage of that- mwahah! Would you now fancy a golden heart?”

Hermione: "Ah, please, Harry is no Tin Man and he's not interested --"

Harry: "Shush, Hermione - Tell me more about this gold heart, Witch Draco of the East. Brilliants are a girl's best friends, and I'm a pretty, pretty girl!"

Draco: "Wicked Witch of the West to you, Tin Man!" *points accusing finger*

Harry: ". . . OK, you bored me already."

(Draco is shoved into a dust bin, while Crabbe and Goyle were in the middle of a musical of "Somewhere over the rainbow".)

Draco: "No! Wait!" - *Draco of the Dust Bin said* - "You need to defeat the dragon I set for you, only then your friend Dorothy can go home!"

Steve Kloves: “That will be definitely censored from your fanficmovie.”

Harry: "Dragon?"

Ron: "Dragon?!"

Hermione: "Zymurgy is our Queen!"

(And then a big, ugly, fire breathing dragon, of the species of Hungarian Horntail, only because I'm unoriginal, appeared before them and said...)

Dragon: "What's the meaning of life. Answer now or I shall eat you!"

Ron: "C'mon, Hermione! Say something really REALLY intelligent!"

Hermione: "Zymurgy is our Queen"

General state --> -__-

Ginny: "I think it has turned into a nervous tic." *pokes Hermione*

(Dragon swallows Hermione.)

Harry: "Ahhh, you are not serious! Oh no. Nononononono, I won't go on. I can't. I'm exhausted. Period. Now..." *takes shirt off...* (Ginny: "Yes! The end, now all rejoice and take your shirt off!" ) *& tries to boost his energy with batteries*

Ron: "You evil dragon! I loved that woman!!"

Dragon: *grunts*

Harry: "You tell me. I happened to step on those two. Traumatic experience. It's like seeing your mother and... and a circus monkey. AHHHH --" *gets electrocuted* "My nipples! My beautiful, tiny little nipples -- Aaahhhhhhh!!!"

Dragon: *nods* "Indeed." *pets Harry*

Ron: "And I know your deal, dragon! I know you are here to custody our underpants, which means---”

General state: "Panic! We are left with no clean underwear’s!"

Harry: "My NIPPLESSSSSSS!!!!"

Ron: *looks at Harry* "They look like a woman - hey, see, Harry! You are now a pretty, pretty woman!"

Harry: "LOOK AWAY, RON, THIS IS NO FREE SHOW!"

Snape: *touches Harry's wriggly nipples* "Oooh, look at them move!"

Harry: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Ron: "Of course it is not a show. It is a study of consequential movement in the analysis of human physical structure." *pokes Harry's nipple as well*

Harry: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" *runs away scared*

Draco: "NOOooo!! Come back!! You haven't given me your red shinny shoes!!" *runs after him*

(In the background we faintly hear somebody call "I'm a pretty, pretty girl!")

(Meanwhile, in Flitwick and McGonagall's honey moon, they were having a great time. And Dumbledore wasn't allowed in the room. Duh. Pity for him. Flitwick by this time, be it the milk on the rocks or other unspeakable substance that poisoned his system, is now happily married to McGonagall, brewing all types of hybrids, including some sort of plant. Never again Filius Flitwick thought of leaving Minerva McGonagall. Not because he didn't want to (though he didn't) or that he was faithful (meow) but because he was a dwarf recently addicted to human food and Minerva a not that bad a cook as we originally thought.
On with the main story.)

"I'M NOT WEARING ANY UNDERWEARS ANYWAY!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

(Was Snape call as he run around the corridors of Hogwarts stark naked. Draco Malfoy tackled him to retrieve his remote, because Snape had swallowed it.)

Draco: "FINE! We will do this..." *putting a pair of gloves on* "the difficult way..."

(The Dragon was in the middle of eating Seamus who had responded to the question with 'licking' when...)

Seamus: *dodges*" Hey! I learned to do tumbleturns! Yayness!"

(And he landed on his second try on a bucket with paint for the new decorations, hence getting his hair dyed orange, to match his eyes. Yes, orange eyes.)

(*Sigh* and then...)

Neville: "Eureka!"

(Neville Longbottom had shouted after he made a discovery. He comes back holding his Carnivorous African Tundra Tree. Sets it to chase the Dragon. Eats the dragon. Everybody rejoice.)

Neville: "HA! And now you know WHY I carry a green stapler around in my pocket for protection."

(Another effective type of silence.)

(And then Harry pressed a button saying 'Hi, I'm Bob!' and everything exploded.)


~*~

*Scotch taped announcement sign message*

[ THE END ]

Me: "And, well, that's all. I hope you all had a fine day -"

Hermione: "Zymurgy is our Queen"

Me: "- and had fun -"

Hermione: "Zymurgy is our Queen"

Me: "- and thought I was a funny, funny person."

Hermione: "Zymurgy is our Queen"

Me: "And if not there's always the possibility of feeling frustrated over it -"

Hermione: "Zymurgy is our Queen"

Me: "You know, since you lost time..."

Hermione: "Zymurgy is our Queen"

ME: "But enough of that, I shall go. I'm not needed anymore."

Hermione: "Zymurgy is our Queen"

Me: "And now I leave you to hear Hermione inconsequentially saying "Zymurgy is our Queen" until reaching 45."

Hermione: "Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen, Zymurgy is our Queen."

hey...does anyone know where to get the dares...i've been trying to find one for a while now. please help me.

You can find dares in the EEFFD thread in the Zonko's forum. Please do not post here. This post WILL be deleted soon.

The Occurrence




“Zymurgy is our queen!”

“Now, as I was saying, it-“

“Zymurgy is our queen!”

“Yes, Miss Granger, we und-“

“Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!”

“You, Virginia! Could you please restrain your mother!” Steven Kloves (Stevey) didn’t ask, he ordered. Ginny stared in disbelief that this man could make so many vital mistakes in two sentences.

“Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Queen queen queen!”

“No, no, this won’t do at all! This simply won’t fit into the movie. Cut!” he picked up a pair of scissors from Neville’s pencil case and brandished them in the air for emphasis. This, of course, unintentionally, brought attention to his exceedingly large toenails. It seemed he was the only one in the room who hadn’t noticed…

Of course, Ginny was too polite to stare like a fizgig, so she carefully moved Hermione into one of the more secluded broom closets, where Steven Kloves wouldn’t have the opportunity to cut her out altogether.

“Yes, well, finally she’s gone. Phew!” Stevey let out a long-suffering sigh. “Now, I’ve had to cut out your headmaster, uh, what was it you called him? Bumbydore? Well, I’m sorry, but he just doesn’t seem to fit into my story in the movie, so I’m glad to introduce your new headmaster, Zumurgy!” he waited for applause, but other than the occasional “Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen!”, none came, so he continued. “I’ve found that she’s a little more… how can I put this nicely… er, evil.” And this was when he was smote, for nobody who is anybody calls the Zymurgy “er evil”.

After a little bit of staring, and some more chanting from Hermione, she was released from her cupboard, and the population of the Gryffindor common room crowded around to get a closer look at Stevey. They mildly pondered on how he had managed to get into the room in the first place.

Neville acquired a gleam in his left eye, and shouted victoriously before anyone could steal his shine, “EUREKA! I have found the meaning of life!”

But, of course, anyone could tell you that Stevey lying smoten on the plushy carpet was, in fact, not the meaning of life, as Neville had proclaimed, so rather than having to deal with his insecurity, we simply ignored him and pay attention to the other 6th years trudging outside to meet Hagrid. Just because Gryffindors are cool like that, and they frequently visit their teachers in packs. Neville followed slowly after, head in the clouds and feet in his slippers.

However, when they reached Hagrid’s cabin, it was not the usual drunk man with toenails even bigger than Stevey’s who greeted them, but Hagrid; Jump-Rope-er Extraordinaire, as his badge read.

Indeed, he was to be found with a 7-metre long jump-rope in his hands, and a sweatband circling his head, doing his very best to lift both feet at the same time. You and I both know, that if we’ve never been able to jump rope in our lives, and are suddenly forced to by someone like Luna Lovegood, things can start to get a little nasty. For example, your very own author has been trained to jump in a particular way, (which is more like skipping, if I may say so myself) and when recently she was told that this way of jumping was simply not permitted in her school, she was, understandably, quite aghast, and at a loss of proper jumping technique.

The same thing was happening to poor Hagrid. He had always jumped, as a child, by fastening double-sided scotch tape to his hair, and connecting it with the ceiling, and then simply lifting his feet. This, it turns out, is not allowed in the world of jump-rope. As some of you may be aware, this particular extreme sport cannot be completed when one is adjoined with the ceiling (besides, they were outside at the time), so this particular technique was ruled out altogether. Hagrid was left to learn all over again.

“Hagrid!” Harry, being at the head of the flock, greeted him.

As they neared their teacher, it became apparent to Harry (one can hardly expect his distance vision to be perfect given that he had been wearing the same glasses for as long as anyone who’s anyone can remember) that the man standing next to Luna Lovegood (she was wearing a badge that read, “Hi! I’m Bob”, for reasons your author daren’t even divulge) attempting to lift both feet without, well, moving them, was not his usual self. And to put this bluntly, we mean to say that Hagrid had dyed his hair orange.

Before Harry could say anything polite about his friend’s new ‘do, Seamus walked up to Hagrid, promptly covered his nose, and donned an expression to rival those of Malfoy’s mother.

“Hagrid!” Seamus gasped. “you… have new-” – he stopped here run 10 metres away, take a deep breath, and then return to his place – “perfume?”

As others neared Hagrid, they noticed it too. He did seem to have a strange scent. Not of the pleasant variety.

Hagrid looked aghast at the very proposition. “No! I do NOT smell!” Here he paused his skipping attempts, and directed his vision at Luna, who had been until now, ignored by the Gryffindors.

Luna looked around at the crowd. She then pulled out a green stapler from her pocket, and started to speak, more to herself than to anyone else. “Well…” she muttered, “I know father told me to use this only in emergencies, but I believe it is required at this time. It is for my own protection. Besides, all fruit bats use staplers.” And at that, Luna proceeded to approach the Gryffindors one-by-one and staple their noses together. They were so shocked, in a state of disbelief, no doubt, that they didn’t even protest or move in the slightest. She then exited the scene most elegantly (with a classic throwing of glitter, and a conveniently-placed fake shrub, which she hid behind, slowly moving it towards the castle, and hoping not to be seen), and the Gryffindors, plus Hagrid, were left speechless. (At this point in time, Stevey appeared in the sky, and announced that the afore-described exit would be “simply too expensive” for the movie version, but he isn’t important enough to be allowed out of this parenthesis.)

Hagrid, currently being the only one with fully-equipped voice organs, felt that it was his duty to do something about the speechless state. He was quite sure that, had they stood staring at each others’ noses for too long, Stevey would appear again and decide that the sequence was simply too long and non-eventful for the movie.

“So…” he said, trying to make conversation. “Is this the meaning of life?”

Seamus stepped forward again, and spoke up, his voice sounding as distorted as his nose looked, “No! Bow give be your gloves, I’b going to teach you the real way to do tubbleturgs.”

Of course, Hagrid was too polite to mention that he was, in actual fact, not learning tumbleturns today, but on the contrary, was glad of an excuse to drop the skipping rope, remove his rubber gloves, and pocket his badge.

Everyone watched as Seamus got down on his knees, put on the gloves, steadied himself on the ground with his hands, and tucked his head into his shirt. They watched. Then watched some more. There’s only so much standing around quietly that a girl is capable of in the span of an hour or so, and Lavender had reached that limit. She kneeled down next to Seamus, and began poking him with the discarded skipping rope.

“Have you forgotten how?” She asked, rather bluntly.

Seamus detached his head from his shirt, looked up and slowly nodded. But just at that minute, it seemed, to save him from more shame; Dobby came galloping down to the gathering, closely followed by Winky. Winky looked very pale, but nobody noticed.

“Mr Potter! Thank Master I’ve found you! You will never believe what is happened!” Dobby took a breath, and opened his mouth to tell of the disastrous news…



Plum and Plum’s perfect wizarding plumbing loos are glad to present our intermission for today’s journey. Please mind the yellow violin on your way to the snack bar, or enjoy our half-time entertainment.

Neville jumped onto a stage that had been placed in front of the action for his convenience, and started to sing (after he had proclaimed himself a “pretty, pretty girl”, donned a witch costume, and erected a sign next to the stage declaring that he was the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Ozz.)

“Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away! On my way to where the air is sweeeeet! Can you tell me how to get, how to get to-”



Neville was cut off mid-song by mere fear of the plot monster. The plot monster is a vicious, self-centred monster, which cares only for plots, and dispels any obstacle that blocks them. He is large, purple, and hairy, and goes by the alias of a 'Carnivorous African Tundra Tree', or so Hagrid explained as he folded up the stage, and put Neville back into his place. It turned out Hagrid had been cultivating these monsters for some time, so he simply could not afford to let Neville massacre the story while he had a herd of adolescent Carnivorous African Tundra Trees just waiting for an opportunity to strike.

Ron was just at the candy bar ordering his refreshments, (“I’ll have a glass of milk. On the rocks.”) when Hagrid picked him up too, and returned him to his previous spot. Many complaints by Ron.

Neville raised his hand, and asked tentatively, “is that the meaning of life, Mr Hagrid?”

Everyone stared at him, but instead of answering him, they all became unusually interested in Dobby’s crisis. It was plain to see that plot monsters were not, in fact, the meaning of life, and neither was milk.

“Mr Potter, our worst fears have come true! We have run out of BANANAS!” Dobby was highly shaken, so did what any normal house elf does when in crisis, he picked up Hagrid’s skipping rope, and skipped.

This made the Gryffindors uneasy, so instead of worrying over his insecurities, they turned to Winky.

“Is this true?”

“Yes,” Winky replied solemnly, with a hint of panic in her voice (rather more so than the occasion called for, Harry felt.), “we have no bananas.” She then burst into tears and clutched her heart. She seemed to be becoming weaker by the minute, but nobody knew why, so they simply turned back to Dobby, unsure which elf to ignore.

Dobby had started skipping, but he wasn’t doing a very good job of it. Indeed, without Luna as a guide, and with such a long rope, it was only a matter of time before he fell to the ground with a small squeak which was drowned out by a wail from Winky.

Dobby had gotten athlete’s foot, but nobody cared. All they were concerned about now was why a bananaless Hogwarts was such a dilemma, and Dobby was just the elf to explain. “You see,” Dobby began, trying (and failing) not to wince at the pain of his foot, “Winky is now without food. She only will eat bananas, and without them, she will”- here he took a breath and braced himself – “DIE!”

It seemed they were too late. While the Gryffindors took a collective gasp and stared in shock (some of them didn’t even know who Winky was, but they would be quite despaired if they had no breakfast the next morning.), Winky slowly but surely stopped breathing.

This time Dobby was the one to let out a wail of despair, and silently carried her body back up to the castle, sobbing all the way. One may describe him as heartbroken, but it was hard to tell.

Neville opened his mouth, and started to ask his question, “Bananas. Is this the meaning of-”

“No, Neville. That’s the meaning of death.” said Seamus, who was where your author left him, on the ground, and posed for a tumbleturn.

At that moment, just as the group mourned together, and couldn’t think of anything worse that could happen that day other than having their noses stapled, Seamus forgetting how to tumbleturn, Neville singing, Dobby getting athlete’s foot, running out of bananas, and Winky dieing, something did. This something came under the category of Severus Snape. “.won em ot revo mih dnaH .yrraH erutrot ot ekil I dna ,live ma I”

Nobody dared disobey, so they pushed Harry forwards, and surrendered him to Snape. Harry looked around desperately at his friends, too shocked for confusion at the strange course of events. “So you’re just going to give me away to the potions teacher because he’s evil?” he asked tiredly. “I have not energy to fight for myself; I’ve been studying all night!”

But, as they had become accustomed to, the remaining Gryffindors, instead of hearing his pleas, they turned around, and began a collective, guilty whistle.

Harry was on his own now. He scanned the backdrop, blowing slightly in the wind (Stevey had insisted on them living with backdrops, because he felt that it saved time converting things for the movie version) and suddenly a though struck him. He felt in his pocked, and to his joy, found that they were still there. The batteries! As discretely as possible, he popped the pair of AAA batteries into his mouth. They would grant him energy!

He chewed. Perhaps this was his big mistake. Needless to say, he fainted then and there. It is too much to describe the taste of those batteries, so we’ll just focus on the fact that Harry had fainted, and fallen onto Snape’s discarded cupcake, and it attached itself to his head.

However, Harry did not have much of a chance to rest after such an ordeal. Snape had only just announced (regretfully) to the Gryffindors that professors Flitwick and McGonagall were getting married, and their presence was required, when Harry woke up. It wasn’t intentional. A partridge from a nearby pear tree flew down and sat on his stapled nose, pecking him viciously. He had no choice but to unfaint.

Snape was just about to return to the wedding when Seamus spoke up. “Professor? Will you teach me to tumbleturn? I seem to have forgotten how.”

He didn’t really have a choice. He was a teacher, after all. So after shooing the rest off to the wedding, he taught. Seamus learned.

Your author wishes she could end this story on a happy note of Seamus finally being able to teach Hagrid to do his tumbleturns, and Stevey joyously demanding to cut parts of the story for his own amusement, but it is not so. This story was not destined for such an ending, thus we follow the residual Gryffindors and Hagrid as they make their way to our resident wedding.

Before they could even enter the large circus tent that had been erected for the occasion, Molly Weasley came storming out.

“No! I refuse to cook for you! Look Minerva; is it my fault that you decided to get married at the last minute? No, no it is not. I’m not going to mother you, and I’m not going to cook for the whole school. I’m sorry. No.”

At this point in time, Stevey is to be seen running down the front stairs to the tent. He was breathing heavily, but nonetheless, attempted to speak; “I’m going to have to c-”

But he never got to finish that sentence, poor Stevey. The reason he didn’t have the chance was… well, it’s quite painful to even recall, but I’ll do my best.

A dragon (yes, a dragon!) suddenly appeared from the midst of the ForbiddenForest, and made its way swiftly to the circus tent. 10 wands pointed at it, preparing a stunning spell, but before they could cast it, the dragon spoke (yes, spoke) up. It cleared its throat and straightened its bow tie.

“Excuse me,” it spoke politely to Stevey, “I’m afraid you’re going to have to explain to me the reason you’re alive, or I will eat you. You understand, it’s in the contract.”

Stevey was speechless. Needless to say, well… :dragon: . Turns out that after cutting a certain amount from the wizarding world for entertainment, a dragon has the right to eat such a convicted muggle. This one was nice though, and gave him an opportunity to rectify himself. It was all written in the fine print.

“Zymurgy is our queen!” – Three guesses as to who said that. Sadly, there’s no time to start a campaign, the plot monsters are chasing me. That, my friends, is the meaning of life.


In my defence, I would like to point out that most of this was written in the unGodly hours of the morning. Sucks to have a real life, I know.

Sorry! I'm late! I'll post my story anyways....! lol

Pure Evilness
By: felicia1995

Harry awoke very early April 3rd and rubbed the side of his head. He felt frosting! Harry pulled off the object and noticed that it was a cupcake! "How did that get there?" He wondered aloud. "Oh well," he muttered. He could hear somone saying, "Yes, we have no bananas!" Just then a television clicked on right in front of Harry. "Hi I'm Plum, and this is Plum! And together we're Plum and Plum's selling Perfect Wizarding Plumbing and Loos newest product! Spoons that you can use to make your house's plumbing look awsome! All you do is take a spoon, bend it so it'll fit around your pipe, and, there you are! That's all there is to it! Buy one of these spoons now, and recieve a 10-year supply of spoons! Call:

666-Magic Spoons! And get your spoons now!
Wierd commericial! Harry thought, as the T.V. clicked off. Harry headed into the shower.
***********************************************

Neville grabbed a green stapler off the end table in the Gryffindor Common Room. Just for protection, he thought, placing the stapler in his pocket.
***********************************************

Hermione awoke and started to the library. Today's the day! she thought happily. Today's the day I tell everyone what an Carnivorous African Tundra Tree is! Hermione entered the library and sat down. "Okay everyone," she started saying to a bunch of first years. "A Carnivorous African Tundra Tree isn't a tree, but really a dragon! It's long, bark colored body, and giant dark green wings, create the illusion of a tree. But be careful, even though the Carnivorous African Tunda Tree isn't a tree, doesn't mean you won't think it's a tree. The Carnivorous African Tunda Tree will stand perfectly still, and won't breathe for at least ten minutes! But there is a way to tell the difference between a Carnivorous African Tundra Tree and a tree. Unfortunately, we havn't figured it out yet!" Herrmione concluded. Appluase rang out and Hermione strolled to Potions class. She noticed Harry. His hair was drenched. "Harry?" she asked. "What happened to your hair?"
"I took a shower," Harry muttered. Snape strolled in, stumbling every time he took a step. "Class dismissed!" Snape boomed. Everyone stood and exited the classroom. Harry, Ron, and Hermione headed toward the Great Hall, when they were stopped by "Witch Weekly's" newest edition. "Look here!" Hermione said, pointing to an article entitiled "Hogwarts's New Headmistress" Hermione read the article out loud, "Hogwarts's Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, has retired. His posistion will be taken by none other than, Zygmurgy!"

"Wow, that was short and sweet!" Harry muttered.
"Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king! Zygmurgy is our king!" Hermione chanted.
"Hermione, what are you saying?" Harry asked.
"Zygmurgy is our king!" Hermione replied. Then she heard someone say, "I'll have a glass of milk. On the rocks!" from inside of the Great Hall. She entered and sat down at the Gyffindor table. Just then, Seamus shouted," I'm a pretty, pretty girl!" five times!
"Ron, you reek!" Harry commented, holding his nose.
"I do NOT smell!" Ron said.
"Do too!"
"Do not!"
"Do!"
"Don't!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Shut up!" Hermione yelled at the quarling boys. Then they all laughed.
Ginny walked in, her hair dyed red. Following behind her was Draco Malfoy, whose hair was dyed orange!
Floating in behind him were: A pair of gloves; Scotch tape; A yellow violin; Giant Toenails; and A partridge in a pear tree!
"Wow, what a wierd lunch!" Ron commented.
Suddenly, Dean rushed up to Hermione and said, "Winky died of a disease!"
"WHAT?!" Hermione asked.
"You heard me!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! " Hermione hollered.
Neville dicovered that Hogwarts was actually built out of snow, and shouted "Eureka!" the next day in Care of Magical Creatures Class.
Just then, A Dragon invaded and required people to justify their existence or be eaten. "Justify your existence or be eaten!" it roared.
"We are wizards that protect the world fom evil, but cause a lot of it!" Ron blurted out.
"Okay," the dragon said, petting Ron on his head before "poofing" away.
"Wierd," the class muttered at the same time.
**********************************************

"I refuse to cook, Aurther," Molly Weasley declared to her husband Aurther Weasley.
"Fine, I'll cook!" Aurther declared.
"Fine!"
******************************************

The next day, the meaning of life was inquired about multiple times to Zygmurgy. Her responce was always the same, "Don't know! Don't care!"
Later, at lunch, Luna was saw teaching Seamus how to do tumbleturns. By the end of the day, Seamus could do tumbleturns by himself.
The next day, Harry was so tired, he tried to boost his energy with batteries!
Hermione was cought singing the Sesame Street theme song to Snape, who by the way, didn't care!
Neville had developed an obsession with the Wizard of Oz, and went around school sayimg, "I'm the Wicked Witch of the West!" all throughout the next day.
Luna thought she was a fruit bat on April 8th. She was passing out buttons with her feet. One of which, said, "Hi, I'm Bob!" which she gave to Ron's brother Bill! "My name's Bill!" he shouted.
April 9th, Luna tried to teach Hagrid how to jump rope, but it was useless. He was just to tall!
"That's out of the movie!" Steve Kloves said to Luna. "So is Draco dying his hair orange, the floating objects, and the new Headmistress!"
Dobby got athlete's foot and swore off socks on April 10th.
"That's out of the movie, too!" Steve shouted.
April 11th, McGonnagal and Flitwick held an assembly.
"Do you, Minervira McGonnagal take P. Flitwick to be your lawful wedded husband until death do you part?" asked the judge.
"I do!" McGonnagal said.
"And do you, P. Flitwick, take Minervira McGonnagal to be your lawful wedded wife until death do you part?" asked the judge.
"I do!" squeaked Flitwick.
"You may kiss the bride!"
And they did.
"I'm definatly taking that out of the movie version!" Steve told no one in particular.


I hope that's okay! ^^^^^ lol