Oh man that was such a great, evil FF good job!

You know, evlpez... I'm not really going to go check. I'm sure that 10 pages is longer than any of mine, although some of mine seemed SO long at the time. But they keep getting shorter and shorter... hmmm...

Hey can we call you Pezzy? It just has a neat evil ring to it. Congrats on the theme song!

Well, you do have so much more experience at this sort of thing, Cass. I'll learn.

Pezzy is much less evil than evlpez (the 'evl' is really just shorthand for EVIL, after all, and it's pronounced 'Evil PEZ'). If you are doing it to 'shorten' my name, just 'pez' will suffice. 'Pezzy' may become a term of endearment, reserved for my closer evil friends. Since we play quidditch together, you may have the evil priveledge, Comadoll.

Thanks!

Im am stoked about any evil privileges i may take, but I most confess that i don't ever recall playing quidditch. You see I am quite scared of bludgers. :unsure:

Oh, and i don't doubt your evilness! So please don't send you army after me.....I own no army to defend myself with!

Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry, Comadoll. I had you confused with Cocaworm. My bad. Just for that you can call me whatever you want.

I'll be accepting another dare soon, and of course the Mother Of All Fanfiction Dares contest.

The Chamber of Even More Secrets

Harry Potter sat down alone at the Gryffindor table early one morning for breakfast. It was Saturday, and he wanted a head start on all the nothingness he planned on doing. (One must fuel up for a brisk day of nothing.) He was just tucking in to a plateful of jelly doughnuts and a cup of coffee when Draco Malfoy sat down beside him.

"Good morning, Potter. I just wanted to take a moment in private and tell you… well, you're not really all that bad." Draco had a strange look in his eyes.

Harry was dumbstruck. "Pass the cream, please." Was all he could think of to say. Then it hit him. Oh no. The Queen of Cupcaketopia is at it again! He searched the air around him for signs of purple smoke. Draco grabbed the small pitcher of cream and gently poured a perfect amount into Harry's coffee.

"There you go. Well, I must be off. See you in Potions class," he said, clapping Harry on the back as he left the table.

Hermione and Ron joined him at the table, where he sat staring at his coffee. There was definitely something funny about Draco Malfoy. Harry would liked to have pondered this, but he suddenly felt the urge to sing a song. He already had a song picked out in his head, but he knew the only one who'd appreciate it would be Professor McGonnagal.
He briefly filled his friends in on the strange behavior from Malfoy and got up to find the professor. Hermione and Ron suspected there was something wrong with more than just Malfoy, and followed him. No one noticed the fluorescent orange ostrich feather sticking out of Harry's collar.

Harry approached the head table, where Malfoy was wedged in between McGonnagal and Hagrid. Hagrid was animatedly telling Draco about the new shipment of lettuce he'd received that very morning.

"… 'O course, now I go' ta get it off tha truck and inter the flobberworm shed," Hagrid said, scratching his beard.

"I'd be more than happy to help, Professor." Malfoy smiled. "I'll meet you out there when you've finished your breakfast. No hurry, sir… you finish up."

Hagrid turned to McGonnagal. "Our Malfoy's turnin' out to be a right nice lad, idnee, Professor?"

Malfoy skipped out of the Hall, greeting his fellow students with cheery 'hellos'.

Harry couldn't wait any longer. "Professor McGonnagal! This is for you… You take the high road and I'll take the lowww… and I'll be in Scotland befoooore yeee…"

Ron interrupted by grabbing Harry's shoulder and pulling him away. McGonnagal's eyes were already misting up and her gaze was off in a faraway place.

"Harry! What's with you?" Ron demanded, picking the orange feather out of Harry's collar.

"Thanks, Ron. I don’t know what got into me. There's more strange goings-on in Hogwarts, guys. I mean to find out what. First, Let's go see Madam Pomfrey and make sure I haven't been hexed or something." Harry led the way to the Hospital wing.

As they walked up the stairs to the Hospital wing, Harry heard a faint hissing in the walls.

"I musssst accesssssorize…." The hissy voice said.

Harry gasped. "Did you hear that?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. Ron shook his head, all the while searching the floors for wandering troops of spiders.

The trio burst into the hospital wing and headed straight for the person in the white coat in the middle of the room. The person turned around to greet them.

"Neville!" Ron exclaimed, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm filling in for Madam Pomfrey. She's gone on a holiday." Neville replied happily.
He advanced on Harry, waving his outstretched palm in front of Harry's face. "Hmm, "much fear I sense in you." He added mysteriously.

Harry ran back out of the room, followed by Ron and Hermione. He headed to Myrtle's bathroom.

"Something's wrong. Malfoy is acting all nice, I'm serenading the staff and Neville's parading as a medi-wizard." Harry told them. "Something is in the Chamber of Secrets, and I have a feeling the Queen of Cupcaketopia is behind it." He approached the sink and spoke parseltongue. The sink opened up to show the tunnels to the Chamber of Secrets.

"Harry, why are we going down there? Ron and I aren't allowed to face the 'big evil boss' at the end of the story - we're only secondary characters!"

"Well, I've gone a bit of the way farther than you have, Hermione. I'll go down there with him. You get help." Ron added.

"Get Dumbledore. Or better yet, get Fawkes. We might need a ride back." Harry said, and the boys disappeared down the hole.

It had been a few years since Harry had seen the tunnels and the Chamber of Secrets. Things had changed. The walls were painted in shocking shades of mauve and pink, and someone had mopped up the floor. As they approached the main chamber, he saw a cloaked figure standing in front of what used to be a huge statue of Salazar Slytherin. They paused. The figure raised a hand and from out of the mouth of Salazar Slytherin came a huge, fluorescent orange feather boa. It slithered straight for them.

"Run, Ron! Run for your life and your good sense of fashion!" Harry yelled as he dodged the huge feathers. The boa sped on past him and chased Ron back into the tunnels.

"Glad you could make it, Harry." The figure spoke in a drawl tainted with cheeriness. Draco Malfoy turned around.

"Malfoy? But you were going outside to help Hagrid with his flobberworm food." Harry said, confused.

"I did that already. I'm a very fast worker." Malfoy replied.

"Why would you do that? Why are you being so nice all of a sudden?" Harry asked.

"Because, Harry," Malfoy grinned, "I'm not really Draco Malfoy!" Malfoy reached up and peeled back his latex face to reveal that he was really…

"Madam Pomfrey! How did you get down into the chamber?" Harry was shocked. "What about your holiday?"

"It doesn't matter how I got here, Harry. And you're right Madam Pomfrey IS on holiday… and I'm not really Madam Pomfrey!" Madam Pomfrey reached up and peeled back her latex face to reveal that she was really…

"YOU!" Harry scowled. "I knew you'd come back. Someone like you doesn't stay away for long, even once you've gotten your revenge."

"That's right, Harry darling. I heard the Chamber was vacant and decided I'd move in. Besides, I don't have to pay rent here. Being an Evil Queen doesn't pay what it used to, you know. I've already resorted to hiring out my flying monkeys just to make ends meet. And this place is just so spacious - lots of room for my chickens. Now all I need is a King to rule beside me."

Harry shook his head. "No. I won't do it. I saw what you did to Flitwick, you awful woman, and you sent your hideous accessory after my best friend. You're on your own."

"Fine." Cass sighed. "Just don't let the door hit your bum on the way out."

Harry turned and walked cautiously out of the chamber. Just outside the doorway, he spotted Ron, covered in orange feathers and pink lipstick.

"Wha? What happened?" He sputtered.

"It's all right, Ron. You're safe now. Let's get out of here." Harry said.

Fawkes's screech filled the air. Harry grabbed Ron, reached his other hand up into the air to grab Fawkes' tail feathers and they flew up to safety.

The End

Well, that was a bit long. Sorry...

It was also a dare from Kirstie McGonagall:
*someone disguises themsleves as Draco and runs around doing lovely things for people, and everyone thinks Draco's become nice
*Madame Pomfrey must go on a holiday, leaving Neville in charge of the Hospital Wing
*someone must say "Much fear I sense in you"
*Harry must attempt to serenade a teacher
*and Ron must get chased by a big, fluorescent orange feather boa
Due date: 23rd Jan.

Oh, I scare myself sometimes. I like that your story ties in with your reqs for my story, which will be finished soon, I promise. You did a GREAT job... so funny and I like the element of parody you include.

ATTENTION: I have apparently commandeered (and cannot spell) the Chamber of Secrets as my own abode. You can find me there, attempting to redecorate and make the place a little more warm and cheery. That is all...

I am so evil. Thanks for that, pez.

You're welcome. :flowersmile:

Well done Evlpez!! you did my dare so well, and so quickly!! hehehe that cracked me up

that too

keep up the great work!! :cat:

very evil

i liked Cass' new location , it seems very stylish

am i right to say you have a... fixation on cass? she has been in all of your stories so far

Very Funny! I fell off My Chair with laughter (No, Really, I DID fall off my chair)

All of my stories? There've only been two.
No, no fixation, sorry. I just haven't getten around to reading all of the other EE's dares yet, and so far I've read more about Cass's EE 'character' than anyone else's. I assure you, Cass isn't even in the piece I'm working on for the Mother of all fanfictions contest submission (sorry Cass).

lol, i know you've only written two so far

and they're very good, i think Cass really enhances them
carry on writing about her if you wish :flowersmile: :flowersmile:

cant wait to read your MOAFF dare.... it's gonna be so cool

My feelings are... remarkably intact. No worries. I appreciated being in your fics, and I also appreciated you reading my fics. I also appreciate my new digs. They're... cold and drafty. Thanks!

MOAFF! ROCK ON!

This was great!!!! so funny. And McGonagall's far away look. It was very hard to pick fav parts in this story. I am glad someone else wonders what happened to the Chamber of Secets after the showdown. If I were part of the trio and hang out in there all the time making illicit potions and what not. Or have DA meetings in book five and hide Sirius down there in book four, etc etc.

^see look your story got me all peppy and i am rambling on now.

I agree, Comadoll. Now that the Basilisk is dead, I don't know why someone hasn't claimed the area for their own.

That was great, evlpez! I loved the twist with the Draco/Pomfrey/Cass thing... We should rally to give the Queen of Cupcaketop.....etc. a raise! It's most unacceptable that her flying monkeys are out for lease!! Although, now that I think about it...may I borrow them, oh Evil Queen? I promise I won't let them fly farther than Uzbekistan...

Yeah, sure, vid... borrow one. Afterall, you're gonna get me a raise .

And swing by the Chamber for coffee sometime this week.

You've enough room down there to host your own tupperware party or quilting club, too.

That was really really well done you really made me fall of my chare (well I am in bed) flitwik must have done somthing really bad :ermsmile:

Hmm I'll have to think up a GOOD Dare!!!

I'm posting my MOAFF contest entry here so it's still up after the contest ends.

Harry Potter woke up and jumped out of bed in excitement. Ron was already up, looking through his trunk for something.

"Ah. You're up." Said Ron. " Have you seen that bag of skittles that Dean gave me? They're awfully good, but I can't seem to find them."

"Uh.. no. Sorry." Harry made a business of getting dressed. He was having trouble getting his T-shirt over his head.

"Whoa, Harry," Said Ron, staring in amazement. "What happened to your head? It's looking really big."

"I don't know, but I can't wear this," Harry said, tossing the shirt aside, "Do you have a big shirt I can borrow?"

"Yeah, here." Ron tossed a wadded-up Chudley Cannons jersey at Harry.

Harry unraveled the shirt and a naked Barbie doll fell to the floor. Harry raised an eyebrow at Ron.

Ron went pink and laughed nervously. "It's Ginny's. It must have found its way into my trunk by accident."

Harry shrugged and pulled the jersey over his head. The shirt was ugly, but at least it fit over his enormous head. He was really looking forward to today. There was to be a Wizard Carnival in Hogsmeade today in honor of the Mayoral Elections, and the whole school was invited. Harry had heard there was going to be a pick-up Quidditch game in a field they created in the middle of town just for the occasion. He grabbed his broom and waited for Ron to finish getting ready, then they both headed to the common room to meet with the other Gryffindors.

Hermione was waiting. "Harry, why are you wearing that ugly jersey?"

"Well," Harry replied, "Unfortunately, I have a large head and a very small neck..."

Ron interrupted. "Are you all right, Hermione? You look pale. Did you get enough sleep last night?"

"Yes, I'm fine." Yawned Hermione. "I borrowed the time-turner from Professor McGonnagal again so I could get some things done. I spent the night writing a paper for Arithmancy, then went back and grabbed a few hours sleep."

"You should have gotten more sleep. Even your hair looks tired," Harry remarked.

"Well, I'm off to the kitchens. Breakfast won't be served for another hour." Ron said, heading out the door. Harry and Hermione decided to go along and get some breakfast.

They reached the painting that held the secret access to the kitchen and found Voldemort standing there talking to a house elf. Voldemort was wearing a tea cozy on his head and nodding in agreement - paying close attention to what the elf was saying. Voldemort looked up, saw Harry, quickly excused himself and walked away, periodically looking back over his shoulder.

Harry was ready for a fight. He was ready to interrogate the house elf at the painting, but was sent off track when the elf strode in front of the painting and barred their access.

"Students isn't being allowed to go in the kitchens this morning, sirs," The elf said.

"What? Why not?" Harry asked. "Where's Dobby? He'll explain this."

The elf ducked his head into the kitchen and soon Dobby came running out, closing the door behind him.

"Harry Potter, sir!" Dobby squeaked, "Dobby is so honored that you is coming to see him this morning! And your Wheezy and the bushy-haired witch is coming, too! Dobby is so lucky!"

"Dobby, this elf says we can't come in. What's going on? Since when aren't such good friends of Dobby allowed to come visit him?" Harry asked.

"…and have a bit of breakfast as well," Ron added.

Dobby's face fell. "I am sorry, Harry Potter and Wheezy. Things is happening that is beyond Dobby's control. Winky is being a bad elf again, and is drinking all of the Professors' private stock of butterbeer. Dobby's supervisor - Stinky - is turning Winky into a large piece of stinky cheese until Winky is getting better, but Winky isn't wanting to be stinky cheese, so stinky Winky-cheese is sprouting legs and running around the kitchens making a big mess. Bad Winky!"

"Maybe I could help," Hermione offered, pushing past Dobby and barging into the kitchen. They boys and Dobby followed.

There was indeed a big, stinky piece of cheese sitting on the floor, its legs being firmly held down by Bill and Bob - pet dementors in evil, pink tights. Harry turned to see a strange girl sitting on the counter speaking quietly with a rather smelly house elf.

"Who's that, Dobby?" Harry asked.

"That is Stinky's friend, The Great and Powerful Zymurgy *Thunder*. Stinky is summoning her for help, but all she is doing is asking for the password to Professor Snape's chambers and letting her dementor friends eat all the jelly doughnuts," Dobby replied.

Hermione waved Zymurgy over. "What are these dementors doing in here?"

Zym looked at Bill and Bob and replied, "Es sieht aus, als ob sie alle Krapfen und daz ganze Kaffee gegessen haben. Jemand bring besser Tee und Kekse aus, sonst fangen sie an zum tanzen un singen."*

*(It looks like they've finished all the doughnuts and coffee. Someone better bring out the tea and biscuits before they break into song and dance.)

Hermione turned to the boys. "Did either of you catch that?" Harry and Ron looked at each other blankly.

"We'd better go. We'll eat when we get to Hogsmeade," Harry said, and the students bade farewell to Dobby and left.

In Hogsmeade, the carnival was everything they'd hoped for. Fred and George Weasley arrived, peddling enchanted butterbeer and other suspect products. They claimed it would turn boys into hulking studs, but once Harry had a taste, he knew they'd pranked him. He shrunk in size and grew oversized, hairy feet.

"Harry," Hermione gasped. "You're a hobbit!"

"A what?" Harry asked, looking up at her.

"A hobb---Oh look! Pony rides!" Hermione never finished, racing off instead toward a paddock in which Professor Snape was seen riding a small, white pony. Harry and Ron followed, finding Hermione trying to pull the irate professor off the animal.

"But it's MY Turn!" Hermione was yelling, stamping her feet and jumping up and down.

"She's really gone nutters, hasn't she?" Ron lamented.

"Yeah, and her hair's gone gray. We'd better get her out of there," Harry said, ducking under the fence into the paddock. "It's time to go, Hermione," he called.

Hermione sobbed, taking Harry's tiny hand and following him out. "I wanted to ride the Pony!"

Suddenly, the shade of Sirius Black winked into existence beside Hermione. "When the world turns it's back on you, you turn your back on the world!" He began to sing.

"Hakuna Matata, what a wonderful phrase
Hakuna Matata ain't no passing craze
It means no worries for the rest of your days
It's a problem-free philosophy… Hakuna Matata!"

Then, without so much as a hello to Harry, Sirius disappeared. Harry should have been shocked, but explained to Ron and Hermione that this sort of thing had been happening for a week or so. He blamed it on Dumbledore's impromptu hosting of a Children's' Film Festival. Strange things were bound to happen when you try to use muggle contraptions at Hogwarts. In fact, the festival had ended early when Dumbledore's VCR sprouted legs and walked off, grumbling about joining Flitwick's Gnome Army.

Ron's ears pricked up. "Flitwick has a gnome army? I guess that explains his muttering about underpants gnomes back in October when the school went bonkers."

"No, Ron. Those gnomes weren't his. They were… never mind. I don't want to talk about it," Harry said, leaning his huge broomstick over his tiny shoulder.

Ron patted Harry on the head. "You know, I don't think you should play quidditch in your condition. Your broom's taller than you are."

"Nonsense," Harry chuckled. "It'll only make me faster, Ron. I don't know why I didn't look into becoming a hobby before."

"A Hobbit, Harry - not hobby. I don't foresee 'Harry Potter' becoming a hobby for anyone in the near future," Hermione said.

"Right," Harry agreed. "Well, I'll see you two later." Harry turned to find the pitch and nearly collided with a tall man wearing a pink cowboy hat.

The man turned. "Pardon me, I wasn't… oh. It's you."

Harry got his wand ready, hefting it out of his oversized clothes and aiming with both hands at Voldemort. "Voldemort! How dare you show your…"

"Can't stay to chat, sorry!" Said Voldemort as he slipped away into the crowd.

Harry was about to follow him when he was confronted with the tall girl flanked by two dementors in pink tights.

"Ich bin die Gross und Machtige Zymurgy! *Thunder* Behandel es. Hast du den hubschen Zaubertrank
Professor gesehen?" she asked.**

** (I am the Great and Terrible Zymurgy. *Thunder* Deal. Have you seen the handsome Potions Professor?)

Harry was starting to feel a bit sad and hopeless, but dementors in pink tights just didn't have what it takes to bring the hobbit-who-lived to his knees. He looked at Zymurgy with confusion.

" Ich weiS, Ich hatte einen Problem mit meinem letzten Leibestrank gehabe, und kann nur auf Deutsch sprechen. Ach, warte, dort ist er, beim Starbucks Zelt." She rushed off.***

*** (I know, I had a problem with my last love potion and can only speak in German. Oh wait, there he is over at the Starbucks tent.)

Harry followed her out of curiosity. Snape was sitting at a café tent, sipping a tall, black coffee. He was sharing a table with Professor Flitwick, who wore a strange little crown on his head.

"I know I usually take it 'double-double', but this is better for you. It's known to decrease the risk of diabetes," Snape was saying.

Zymurgy and her dementors sat themselves down on the grass at Snape's feet. Bill and Bob were eyeing Snape's coffee, but a stern look from Zymurgy kept them on their best behavior.

"Well," said Flitwick, "I must go see about the throne I ordered. You know Severus, I didn't think being crowned Gnome King would be so expensive! I've had to pay for my new wardrobe and furniture, and just this morning I my chief Gnome Advisor was hauled off to a muggle jail for driving under the influence."

"Dear me!" Snape sympathized, "What was he drinking?"

"Fruitopia. I was shocked, to say the least. That's the last time he's allowed to borrow my BMW." Flitwick shook his head sadly.

Sirius strode up to the table and put a gentle, translucent arm around Flitwick. He began to sing:
"I'm gonna be a mighty King, so enemies beware."

Flitwick joined in: "I've never seen a King of Beasts with quite so little hair."

Sirius: "I'm gonna be the main event, like no King was before,
I'm brushing up on looking down and working on my roar."

Flitwick: "Thus far, a rather uninspiring thing."

Sirius: "Oh, I just can't wait to be King!"

Then Sirius promptly vanished. Snape either hadn't noticed the musical interlude or chose to ignore it.

"We brought the station wagon today if you need a ride to bail him out," Snape offered. He snapped his fingers and Zym popped up from the floor, offering him a set of car keys.

"Very generous of you and your fiancée, Severus," said Flitwick, "Can we swing by the castle? I really must change out of my royal robes and into something more comfortable. I just picked up the most darling banana-muffin costume. It's silk - just wait until you see it, you'll want one for yourself."

Snape and his entourage led Flitwick off toward the parking lot on their quest to rescue the delinquent gnome.

Harry shook his head in wonder and headed to the Quidditch pitch. When he got there, he noticed that he wasn't the only wizard to have been duped by the twins. Hobbits were flying through the air, warming up. Harry imagined this was what a Dwarf-throwing tournament would look like.

He took to the air, not really paying attention to the air in front of him and promptly collided with a full sized Millicent Bulstrode. The were both thrown from their brooms and landed in a heap on the grass. Harry broke her fall and was desperately trying to get out from beneath her when Ron showed up.

"Harry! Are you okay?" asked Ron, running up. Suddenly he stopped, horrified, and yelled, "HEY! You got grass stains all over my shirt! That's my favorite shirt, Harry!"

"Sorry, Ron. I had an accident with Millicent," Harry replied, still struggling. As he pushed her unconscious body off him, his now-baggy pants nearly came off, emptying its pockets. In a scattered pile beside Harry was Ron's missing Skittles. Harry turned red when he saw them.

"You didn't." shrieked Ron, beside himself, "You stole my Skittles, Harry? That's it. Give me my shirt back. You're no friend of mine, Harry Potter."

Harry was getting angry now, too. "Give it back? Why, so you can wrap your precious Barbie doll in it? That's right," he nodded and shouted to the gathering crowd, "Ron Weasley plays with DOLLS!"

Harry now pulled the jersey over his head and threw it at Ron.

"Eww… it's got Millicent Bulstrode's hair all over it!" Ron paused and began to giggle. He exchanged a look with Harry, who broke into a smile.

"We could've used that a few years ago, couldn't we?" Harry choked.

They began rolling on the ground laughing and spluttering things like "Cat hair…", "Fur-face…" and "… and that TAIL!". Ron laughed so hard, he wet his pants - making Harry laugh even harder. Harry noticed that he was growing. In no time, he was back to his usual size. He and Ron got up from the ground and decided to go tell the twins they'd discovered the antidote to their enchanted butterbeer, then they would head back to Hogwarts for a change of clothes.

As they reached the twins' tent, they saw Fred & George packing up.

"You're leaving? It's not even lunch time yet!" Ron said.

"We're sold out," Fred grinned.

"-Of everything!" George added, pointing. "That strange woman bought everything we had."

"And she put in an order for nearly everything in our catalogue. She wanted to buy the whole company, but we wouldn't sell it at any price," Fred said.

Harry looked over to see the 'strange woman'. There was Michael Jackson, surrounded by security men carrying boxes upon boxes labeled "Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes". Standing beside and talking to him was Voldemort, wearing a red, sequined fedora and a large badge that magically flashed "MJ IS INNOCENT".

Harry shook his head and laughed. "Well THAT explains a lot."

The two boys, forgetting Hermione altogether, headed back to the Castle.

The End