Hey, hey! Those are MY monkeys. They don't drop feathers for any old person.

To my lovelies: Zy and Lotus

Zy and Lotus were very concerned.

"Now look here," said the ever-logical Zy, "it is time for the fic to start and Cass isn't here. How can this be Cass's fic and she isn't even here?"

"Shall we organize a search party then?" Lotus suggested helpfully, and Zy agreed. They wandered the halls in search of a search party. I don't know why they didn't just look for Cass - but I suppose there's a specific way to go about these things.

They encountered the Trio who flatly refused to help in favor of risking their lives needlessly elsewhere. "You better hope we don't tell Cass!" They called to the disappearing Gryffs.

Neville also refused, citing the fishbowl incident. "I'm not going near her. She knows where she is..." Upon their threats, he ran away with a shriek that reminded everyone of the unfortunate incident in which Ginny was forced to play the bagpipes in Potions class while everyone stirred counterclockwise 12 times. No one could think when the bagpipe was playing, and none of the potions turned out quite right. Much to Snape's delight.

Next, they came across Flitwick, who ALMOST got away. "Get back here and don't argue, little man. I just learned this great origami spell I'd like to try out... on your head," Lotus threatened. She turned to Zy and bragged, "There. I got someone to join our search party."

"I can do that," Zy said with a wave of her hand and grabbed a hold of the nearest passing person. Fortunately for Zy (and unfortunately for the rest of us), that person was Snape.

"Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, woman! Unhand me!"

"You... you help us find Cass or... Lotus will... fold your head!"

Snape raised an eyebrow at her but finally gave in when she pouted. Plus, she told him that a Cass-fic was highly preferable to a Zy-fic while she was in her current mood. "Yay!" she squealed and dragged him off. "We're having a search party!"

Mad Eye Moody appeared from out of nowhere, carrying a crystal ball and scowling. "Where are you going?"

"We're - " Flitwick began.

"Don't talk," Zy ordered. "You are on serious fic probation. Smart guy like you... woulda though you'd have guessed that by now."

Snape raised another of those flexible eyebrows at Moody. "Aren't you teaching Divinations? Why don't YOU tell us where we are going?"

"It doesn't matter," Moody growled, his fingers tightening around his crystal ball. "Quick, put these on." He handed Flitwick a pair of boxing gloves and Snape a sword.

"Not for little men," Lotus sang as she snatched the gloves from Flitwick.

Meanwhile, Zy was oohing and ahhing over Snape's new sword. "That's a really nice sword, Snapey."

"Do not call me Snapey."

"It makes you look sexy, Snapey."

"I'm asking you not to call me Snapey."

"It must be a sexy sword, Sevvy."

"Woman! Desist!"

Flitwick and Lotus looked on in amusement as the two argued, quite unsuccessfully. Zy insisted on calling Snape cutesy nicknames, and Snape refused to acknowledge any of her "sexy sword" comments. When they all stopped arguing, they realized that Moody had disappeared.

"I'm beginning to think he'll be as strange a bird as Trelawney was," Snape muttered. Flitwick opened his mouth to agree but stopped after a look from Zy.

The foursome began their search, FINALLY, for Cassirin. The Eliters were beginning to move from concern to gentle panic. Afterall, the fic was well underway with no author in sight. They didn't have to look very far, however, before they found Cass, hunched over a book in the library. A tall stack towered precariously next to her.

"My - " Flitwick yelped as someone stepped on his foot... we'll never know who.

"Um... Cass," Lotus said gently. "Your fic has started and there's nobody driving." Snape and Flitwick gave her a strange look.

"Shh..." Cass waved them away. "This is a library. There is much quiet here. You need to take your non-quietness elsewhere."

"CASSIRIN LOUISE DOHICKEY!" the girls yelled together. Madame Pince fainted from the volume. They both started yelling about dares and due dates and fried chickens and search parties.

"There was a party?" Cass said with vague interest. "Were there balloon animals?"

"No!" Zy said like Cass was the stupidest person in the world, which maybe she was. "What are you doing in the library reading about..." She peered at the books. "Reading about dragons?"

"Mmm?" Cass made vague 'No really, I'm listening' noises... you know, the ones that males seem to excel at. "Research."

Lotus grabbed Cass's face (unnecessary author roughing!) so that Cass couldn't look away. "What. Are. You. Researching?"

Cass blinked at her. "Dragons. I'm very interested in dragons."

"And why, pray tell, are you interested in dragons?" Snape said, his hand to his head. He was beginning to regret giving in to the pretty one's demands. Well, they were all pretty... or so Zy writes it. "I'm leaving this madness."

Zy gave Cass a pleading look. Cass rolled her eyes... elegantly, of course. "Wait. Stop. Don't go," she said in a monotone. "Hey... that's a really sexy sword. Look, if you stick around and be our new evilish miniony friend, I'll let you be the DADA instructor."

"I don't know what you just said..."

"And I'll make Zy your teaching assistant!"

"No. No, thank you, but still... no."

Everyone, even Lotus, who was elbowing Flitwick who was trying to talk (the foolish man), looked disappointed that he had turned them down.

"But... but we need minions," Lotus sniffed.

"And Snapey," Zy sniffed.

"Go AWAY!" Cass cried.

"Right-o," Lotus perked up. "The dragons." She settled across from Cass and grabbed a book. "Why are we researching dragons?"

Cass grabbed back the book and blushed. She mumbled something under her breath, but Snape, being part bat, had excellent hearing.

"You fool girl! You're wasting our time to learn about dragons to impress a WEASLEY?" Snape huffed and left. Zy followed him out, reminding him of what happened to people in her dares when they made her angry. And then begging him to love her.

Flitwick tried to say something pointless and sad to Cass, so Lotus swatted him with a boxing glove and needed to take him to the infirmary when he flew farther than she intended - right into the Restricted Section. A large pile of snapping, screaming books fell on him.

When they were all gone, Cass grabbed another book... "Ahh... quiet." After a moment, she sat up straight and cried, "FRIED CHICKENS!"


Fin

Thanks, Edge... it was loads!

Edge's dare:
---> Mad-Eye Moody returns to Hogwarts and decides to teach Divination.
---> Someone must offer Snape the DADA job but he MUST NOT care.
---> Someone must blurt out: "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"
---> Ginny plays the bagpipe in Snape's class.
---> Flitwick must always try to say something (through the entire story) but is always interrupted.
---> These items should be mentioned: boxing gloves, origami, a "sexy sword" and chied frickens, i mean, fried chickens...
---> Due date : January 22... dedicated to my ghost writer's birthday.


MI... next one... hehehe

Whew!! i just read like 10 pages of your fic!! brilliant stuff!!

hehe, Snape part bat

WOW! Snape and a sexy sword... oooh the possibilities!
I can't imagine how you got your fic lisence! Don't you know it's bad to research and write? LOVED IT!

OMG, how I laughed and laughed and laughed some more!!!!

Some of the parts that left me with no breath......so I died.
This FF is one of the Greatest of all time.
Apart from the fact that it killed me.........now I'm dead! Thanks a bunch. :wiltedrose:

That was wicked Cass.

I liked how Madame Pince fainted from the volume. Classic.

I loved it all thuogh. But that part.

Hiya, dear Cass... Thankies for doing my dare, pure awesomeness and delightness... :up:

Loved this part. Just a shame that I won't be putting Ginny in any of my new dares yet, after the fight that we had...

I agree, but then again, I don't want to see skrewts in my underwear drawer...

He-haw!!! I imagine him doing this, with matching beads and necklaces, o'course...

Absolutely brilliant!!!

So that's why you were in the Library this morning, or evening there where you are...

Good for Flitwick, it serves him right for drugging you... I think he drugged me too...
Chickens!!! Woot!!!
Okies!!!

Very, very funny!
"Not for little men"... BRILLIANT!

too bad about the lack of balloon animals....you just don't see enough of them nowadays.

I loved how your whole fic was "authorless". Very creative!

Oh my jumpin' Jeosaphat (?). I can't spell. lol, marvellous Cass!! I couldn't pick quotes because it was so hilarious!

I seem to be getting a lot of special dareness lately. Hmm. Tee hee.

Happy Birthday to Mi.

"This is stupid," Ron muttered.

"Shhh..." Harry responded.

"What?" Ron said back, none too quietly.

"Yes, Ron," Ginny whispered. "When Harry tells you to 'shh,' what he's really saying is 'be very loud and ask unnecessary questions." She wanted to smack him, but knowing Ron, he'd just get angry in a loud way. And loud was very not good right now. The four of them (Hermione was there too, but she has the good sense not to talk) were crouched behind a statue of Scooby the Doo, watching the Marauder's Map and waiting for Filch to head to the other side of the castle before they dared move.

They darted down the hall and turned a corner, only to run into a small folding table. On top of the folding table sat a goldfish bowl with a few knuts and sickles in it. Cass sat behind the table, holding a huge marker and working feverishly on a large posterboard. Behind her stood Mi, who looked extremely bored. Apparently, the Elite were taking turns on guard duty to make sure that Cass remembered to show up for her dares.

"What is that?" Ron asked, not bothering to be quiet.

"A folding table. We studied them in Muggle Studies. You want to go halfsies and get Dad one for his birthday?" Ginny asked. Harry and Hermione rolled their eyes at the two who clearly were missing the point.

"What are you doing here? It's the middle of the night," Hermione asked the Eliters. Cass ignored them, her tongue sticking out as she concentrated on her sign. Mi muttered under her breath and tugged on her hair.

"Apparently, being an evil queen doesn't pay nearly as much as it used to. Cass is being forced to resort to renting out her flying monkeys for various deeds and errands around the castle as a fundraiser," Mi explained.

"What exactly does she need the money for, anyway?" Ginny asked, leaning over to try to read Cass's sign. Cass swiveled her body around to hide the words.

"Snarfle food," Mi spit out. "Her babies are hungry. We'd leave or make her leave, except she..."

Cass suddenly rolled her eyes and snapped her fingers. A plate of Fig Newtons appeared on the table and Mi pounced on them. "Minions," Cass sighed.

"Ah am naw a mi-yin," Mi said through a mouth full of cake, not cookie.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night," Cass said, distracted by her sign again. Mi threw a skull pez dispenser at her head, one we are sure Evlpez will be looking for tomorrow. Naughty Mi. The Trio plus Ginny looked at each other in fear and ran down the hall. Best not to be around when the Elite rumble.

They weren't paying attention to where they were going, trying only to put distance between themselves and the scary Eliters. Suddenly, they heard a noise up ahead.

"Quick, in here," Harry whispered, shoving open the door to the Great Hall. You would think they would notice they were near the Great Hall... oh well... The four darted into the Hall and quickly closed the door, leaving only a crack remaining so they could tell when the corridor was clear. They had the map, but a crack in the door is much more interesting.

Three men were coming down the hallway. One was Snape, who had a particularly sour expression on his face. This was explained by the next man, Gilderoy Lockhart. Lockhart was practically skipping, his eyes darting every which way and taking it all in. Behind him was a huge man none of them could recognize in the dark hallway.

"Is it breakfast time?" Lockhart nearly sang. "I want waffles! Do you have waffles? You should have waffles. Everyone likes waffles. They would be happy. And if they are happy, maybe you'll be happy. You don't look very happy. Do you know how to smile? Let me help you..."

Snape snapped when Lockhart's hands grabbed his cheeks. "Get off me, you git! It's bad enough you have come back to Hogwarts as a student. Worse that you were sorted into Slytherin. You were a Hufflepuff before! What was Dumbledore thinking? But you will NOT touch me. I am a PROFESSOR."

The third man spoke up with a thick Austrian accent. "What does that mean?"

"It means I teach. You listen. You obey. You don't touch me. You don't touch anything. You don't breath unless I say so."

"Can I breath?" Lockhart asked and clutched something to his chest.

"Yes!" Snape said between clenched teeth. "And give me that thing. No one in my house carries a doll!" The Trio saw that the thing Lockhart carried was a teletubbies doll.

"No," Lockhart whined. "I NEED him. He's my bestest friend." Lockhart began to pet the doll on the head and sing "When You Wish Upon a Star" from Pinocchio.

"SEVERUS," a sharp female voice called. "What is all this racket?" The trio (plus Ginny) couldn't see her, but they would recognize McGonagal's voice anywhere. They inched the door closed a bit more.

"Minerva," Snape's whole demeanor changed. He attempted to smile and his face almost broke. "What a surprise to see you! My don't you look lovely in... plaid. I was just taking my newest students to the Common Room. Gilderoy, Arnold, let's go..."

"Can we race?" Lockhart said eagerly. "I want to race."

"I don't really think..." Snape glanced at Minerva. "I suppose so." He jogged half heartedly behind the madly giggling Lockhart and the ever-so-fit Arnold.

The rest tomorrow... sorry.

Thanks again Cass. It's such a beautiful fic. *hugs it*

I love my evilness in the whole thing.

Hee hee, don't like Fig Newtons so I'm glad you made it cake.

Meesa sorry. lol. I can't wait for more dear.

This is GREAT Cass!!! Woooo!
Actually, I have well over a hundred of these guys. Just make sure he gets back to the base for War Exercises in the morning, or he'll be reported A.W.O.L.

Your Lockhart is Brilliant!

"Do you know who that was?" Hermione whispered. The whisper echoed around the Great Hall, making her blush. Good thing it was dark.

"Gilderoy Lockhart? Don't tell me you still fancy him, Hermione," Ron said a bit more forcefully then necessary.

"I meant the other man."

"Snape? He's always skulking about somewhere," Harry said.

"Are you two completely addled?" Ginny's voice was overly loud. "The other guy? With the accent? Or did you not notice the large, hulking mass of humanity standing about three feet from you?"

"Oh." They said together. "Who was he?"

"Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's the governor of a state over in America. And he was just sorted into Slytherin. That explains so much..."

"Hey, guys," a soft, dreamy voice startled them all. They turned to find Luna Lovegood sitting on the Hufflepuff table and kicking her legs.

"What are you doing in here?" Ginny asked.

"Waiting for breakfast," Luna said, her big eyes not looking at any of them. When they seemed to accept this answer, she looked at them. "Actually, I'm trying to think of a way to prove the existence of the Crumple-horned Snorkback." She looked pensive again.

"I thought you liked to believe in things that couldn't be proved," Ron said, looking quite confused.

"Normally I do," she agreed. After a long pause, in which everyone thought she had finished talking, she added, "My father's newspaper is going to be shut down if he can't prove that he isn't just a tabloid. I figure the Snorkback is the easiest to find. But I don't know how to catch one, where they live, or even what they look like. That's why I'm sitting in the Great Hall in the middle of the night."

The Trio (plus Ginny) agreed that Luna did have a problem, but they weren't sure how they could help. Hermione snapped her fingers and shouted, "Great gobbling goldfish! I know!" She grabbed Luna's hand and pulled the girl out the door. The remaining three stared at the spot where Hermione had just stood.

"Well... that's just great!" Ron pouted. "What are we supposed to do without Hermione? We're a TRIO."

"Um... duh," Ginny interjected. "We're still a trio. I'm here."

"Everywhere we go, we have three of us. And she just runs off like nobody's business."

"There are three of us, Ron. Now we don't have to go as the Trio plus Ginny..."

"Two boys. One girl. Adventure. Excitement. And she..."

"You git!" Ginny yelped and pulled down Ron's pants to stop his incessant and pointless whining. Ron yelped and grabbed his pants, but not before they glimpsed brightly pink boxer shorts.

"My eyes!" Harry screeched before Ginny pounced on him and clapped a hand over his mouth. He turned to look at her and she took her hand off his mouth.

"Shhh... we're still breaking curfew."

"You, you smell good," Harry said.

"Yes, well," Ginny blushed, but it was pretty dark in the Great Hall. "I shower occasionally. That helps."

"Let's go back to the Common Room," Ron said morosely, holding tight to his pants.

Halfway back to the Common Room, the new Trio was surprised to run into Hermione and Luna dragging a large animal by a collar. Honestly... you'd think they'd look at the map occasionally...

"Wha... whe..." the boys stuttered, staring at the huge unknown creature. Hermione grinned her "I Know Everything" grin.

"We went to the Room of Requirement, and we walked back and forth thinking about the Snorkback. When we opened the door, there it was."

"And what are you going to do with it?" Ron asked. "It's HUGE."

"We're going to put it in Hagrid's paddock so he can 'discover' it tomorrow morning. Can we borrow the map?" Hermione asked, fluttering her eyelashes at Harry. This made Harry confused and Ron and Ginny turned a bit red.

"Do you have something in your eye? Here..." he thrust the map into her hands with confusion.

Luna and Hermione continued on with their huge beast, and the new and improved Trio crept on towards the Common Room.

"Maybe we shouldn't sneak out anymore... things are getting strange around here," Ron murmured.

Harry grinned as they finally climbed through the portrait hole. "That's the whole point!"

The End... HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MI! I wish you could have been more of a super star in it.


Reqs:
Evlpez's Dare:
1. Professor Snape falls in love with another staff member
2. A main character gets 'pants-ed' in the Great Hall
3. Luna and Hermione prove the existence of the Crumple-horned Snorkback.
4. Gilderoy Lockhart is released from St. Mungo's - and must return to Hogwarts as a student for re-education. Sort him.
5. The following objects/people make plausible appearances: Arnold Schwarzenegger, fig newtons, a teletubbie doll, a PEZ dispenser of your choice
Due Date: January 20

Plus Evlpez won: Your next Dare (where the central plot is variable) must involve you setting up shop at Hogwarts - contracting out the use of your flying monkeys (for money, that is) so you can afford to feed your precious Snarfles. (Since being Queen doesn't pay what it used to...)

Simply brilliant Cass, as always!

I love it Cass; Thanks so much!! :flowersmile:

I was definitely enough of a superstar, although when Ah-nuld arrived on the scene I thought maybe I'd ditch Draco for him. Better this way though, I'm not a fan of Ahhhh-nuld. And I agree with Zy, he's kinda ugly (I don't wanna be unkind here).

Lol, poor Ginny. 'We ARE a trio.' Awww.

Well that was hilarious, and made my day. A wonderful birthday present, especially when you didn't have to get me anything. Thanks dear!!

loving the new fic Cass!!
hehe a statue of Scooby-Doo.

*glomps Cass*
Funny and very glomp worthy.

My eyes!!

Hurrah for you! And ARNOLD IN SLYTHERIN!? I thought he'd end up as a huff.. after all, the guy never graduated from High School... (and am I the only girl in the world that thinks he's REALLY ugly?) *ducks hexes* Ah... I'm EVIL! Don't DO that!

I put him in Slytherin to indicate that he used his magical powers for evil, not good... ambition... gubernatorial races.

I'm going to use that word in my big MOAFF.

Yes, quite unattractive... but all pale to Snape... LOL

YAY!!!!
after hours and hours fo reading your FF I finally got to the end!

i loved all of your stories- too many to name

Here, have an evil flower :flowersmile: you dotn get alergies do you?

sooo much to laugh at, so small lungs

bravo good story