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Adding post so more people will read.

Underpants gomes rush in and steal Caitlin's underpants.
"DARN GNOMES! At least it wasn't me this time, hehehe. :shifty:

Who's Caitlin and why are her underpants in my thread? "Caitlin, come get your underpants!"

Thanks, Lotus :). I'll update later today, I promise.

Malfoy_is_HOTT! is Caitlin.

I will try to update mine as well, but it's been so hard lately. The computer keeps freezing. Can't wait for yours though, *whines* do it nooow.

Sorry, Caitlin... here are your underpants! And here's my very weird story. I don't like it! But... yeah.

Deep in the Forbidden Forest, the socks roam free from persecution and dry cleaning. Living peacefully along side of them were the thestrals, giant horse-like creatures that could only be seen by those who had witnessed death. The author tells you what you already know in order to catch up all the slow people who haven't read the book (you bums!) and in order to establish some (the author babbles about literary devices and her self-censor tunes her out just for you).

Now, to be perfectly honest, the reason the thestrals and the socks lived so peacefully alongside each other was that the socks couldn't see the thestrals. Very few socks have seen death, as the socks are always tucked into shoes when someone dies. Socks themselves do not die, they simply disappear into an unknown land, usually while they are bouncing around in the dryer. So the socks had no idea they were living alongside gigantic beasts who tried valiantly to communicate with them. The thestrals, who were really fairly pleasant creatures, were very attached to their neighbors and wanted desperately to befriend them.

Because they couldn't, the thestrals were very disgruntled. Disgruntled is one of those 10 dollar words you should use on people to impress them. But the thestrals were disgruntled and decided to take their complaints to Hagrid, the only man they knew who both cared about them and had magic. Of course, that isn't true, I'm sure some of the students cared about their wants and needs too, but what with caring about the wants and needs of socks, house elves, skrewts, Celestina Warbeck, pranks, girls, boys, and other assorted things, there wasn't a lot of time to care about thestrals.

Hagrid watched the thestrals come out of the forest with some surprise. They really disliked coming near the castle because students would run into them and then yell at each other for tripping and blah blah blah. There are lots of problems with being invisible - and the thestrals knew them all. I wonder why Hagrid can see the thestrals (author stores away this question for the "normal" fic she will one day write but can't think of a plot line for yet and is getting frustrated because some people think that dare fics are petty and not-cool and she really wants to be cool when she grows up).

Hagrid was teaching a class at the time and giving a lecture on something or other. He was highly distractable (gee... just like me!) and was actually talking about the urban legend of "if you make that face again, it will stick that way." His supposition was that someone, who shall remain nameless *coughNarcissaMalfoycough*, was the perfect example of why this was unequivocably true and was stuck forever looking as if she was displeased with some scent. When the thestrals appeared, however, he excused himself from them to check on the giant herd of thestrals. A few of the students watched as well, but Hermione, after hearing from Harry what the hold up was, shouted, "But Hagrid... why bother? They're just thestrals. No one cares about them."

"I care 'bout them, Hermy," Hagrid said and continued on.

"Well, why should you? Why don't you care about something normal for once? Like, like... socks or house elves or ME!" She burst into tears and ran away, muttering something about a bad hair day.

"Funny," Ron said. "She looked the same to me. Think she fancies Hagrid."

"No, you git," Ginny (who isn't in their year but who is necessary as the voice of the author in the fic when she is too lazy to insert herself) said. "I think she fancies you."

"Wh-what?" Ron stuttered and turned red. "What makes you say that? The author hasn't given ANY indication of that!" (The author quickly checks all her stories...)

"Well, actually, she called you good looking once," Harry added.

"But I think she didn't want to offend any Harry-Hermione shippers," Ginny smirked as Harry turned red as well. "Now, though, she doesn't care anymore."

The boys were saved from further embarrassment by the sight of 6 dementors swooping towards Hagrid's house. Harry promptly fainted (oh, you manly man, you!) and the rest of the class looked shaken, but not stirred.

The dementors were accompanied by a frazzled looking Umbridge who, after being returned to human form from being a frog, was put in charge of human-dementor communications. She stumbled to a halt and explained that the dementors were sent to return the striking thestrals to their posts. Not only were the carriages unable to move, but children kept running into them willy-nilly and falling down. Mass chaos, blah blah blah.

From head to toe, the dementors were intimidating. Their long, bony hands pointed and grasped at their dark robes. Their faces were hidden but the rattling breath was still present. Even the sparkly pink tights... wait... what? The students noticed that at the bottom of the dementors' robes peeked hints of garish pink. Apparently, dementors, while not being quite the kings of the fashion world, were tired of the just-black look and took a vote. What resulted were the pink tights. Unfortunately, the pink tights made the dementors happy, and happy dementors just don't suck the joy out of life the same way. They were pretty much useless.

Somehow, Hagrid convinced the thestrals to return to the forest. He suggested they leave the socks notes to let them know that they were there and wanted to make friends, have coffee, and learn to crochet together. Nobody seemed to care that thestrals can't hold pencils, having no fingers and that socks can't read, having no eyes. Thestrals might be friendly, but they aren't very smart.


born2mugglz's dare:
*The Dementors must decide that they are going to wear pink tights under their scary black cloaks
*We must finally find out why Narcissa Malfoy(and/or Black, whichever u like...) has a scrunched up nose that makes her look like there is a bad smell under it 24/7
*The thestrals must go on strike because not enough people can see them
*Hermione must talk back to a teacher! Ahhh! What is this world coming to!

hehehe...good job cass!

you know malfoy is still following me... :shifty:

Hahaha. Bond, James Bond. B)

And, jw, I just can't WAIT to see what you do about it :).

I wish someone would follow me... LOL. Wait, no... that's why I gave you to Malfoy in the first place. I forgot!

*shrieks with joy (evil joy, of course)* Its my dare!!! yay!!! That was really good!!! Mwahahahhaaa!!!!!!! teehee.... :shifty: .....MJy pink tights....so pretty.... :wub:

DUN DUN DUN... yep, it's that time again.

Maybe some of the luvipops were still floating around the school. Maybe someone spiked the pumpkin juice. Or maybe the author wasn't sure if it was Valentine's season or not. But there was something going on with Argus Filch. The normally quite nasty man was showering and shaving, had gotten a haircut, and spiffed up his clothes a degree. While he didn't get rid of Mrs. Norris, he did wash and comb her and fix a large pink bow around her neck. She hated that bow. She resented the bow and spent long hours glaring at it, which caused quite a headache as it was around her neck.

One day, as the Gryffindors sat in Transfiguration, Filch crept down the aisle and placed a large box of chocolates on McGonagall's desk. Now, in the Muggle worlds, this might be quite romantic. In the wizarding world, however, chocolate is the most common cure for many ailments, so he basically bought her a bottle of cough syrup as a romantic gesture. On another occasion, he brought her flowers. They were plucked straight from Hagrid's garden, and they attempted to eat McGonagall's desk. After she somehow subdued them, she asked Filch not to bring her any more presents while she was teaching. "It disrupts the students," she explained.

"But, but Love Muffin," Filch protested and McGonagall turned a very attractive red as she blushed. Ron noted this interchange with interest... he was suddenly very aware of all the courting that occurred at Hogwarts.

"MISTER Filch," McGonagall struggled to regain her class's attention. "You will please refrain from calling me anything but Professor when we are in the classroom, corridors, and Great Hall." Yeah, because that leaves a lot of other places... sheesh!

"But, but Minny... I love you!" And he grasped her hand fervently and would not let go.

Minny snorted a very unladylike snort and tried to pull loose. She then dismissed her class and began to consider the various ways of cutting off her own hand and running away.

Outside on the grounds, the Gryffs considered what they had just seen.

"You don't suppose Filch is under some sort of spell, do you?" Harry asked as Ron approached.

"Hey there love muffin!" Ron greeted Hermione, trying out some of the suave moves he had observed from Filch. Hermione kicked him in the shin. It was quite romantic.

"Is it possible Filch's just really in love with McGonagall?" Dean suggested, earning stares from everyone else. "Just kidding... I guess."

"We can do a spell-tracing spell," Hermione said. "But there's one ingredient that always boggled me. We need to find someone who eats grass."

"I eat grass," Neville offered.

"I don't know where we'll find that, though."

"I eat grass," he tried again.

"Do you think we could substitute a goat?"

"Am I invisible? I eat grass!"

"No, Hermione, goats eat tin cans."

"Oh, right..."

"But you don't need a goat! I eat grass."

"Maybe if we fed grass to someone...?"

"But I'm telling you that I eat grass!"

"You know, I think Neville eats grass," Ron offered helpfully.

Neville ripped off his robe and ran away screaming. Unfortunately, he had been in a hurry that morning and had thrown his robe on over his boxer shorts, so he was running around the castle wearing only his underpants.

"Good thing I got rid of those underpants gnomes," Ginny said.

They all walked off, forgetting all about the spell that involved grass.


From Quantamus:
*Someone must say the words, “I eat grass” at least five times
*Someone must run around Hogwarts screaming in their underpants (not a House elf).
*Ron must greet someone with “Hey there, love muffin.”
*A dignified character must have a snorting problem throughout the fic.
*Argus Filch must confess his eternal love for McGonagall

Oh dear! I missed commenting on your last fic or two- so here you go:
CASSIRIN! YOU ARE EVIL!

I eat grass! :D

OMG that was soooooo funny! i'm trying to be quiet on the computer because my sis has a hangover, but your stories make me crack up laughing!!
Keep up the brilliant, evil work!

This is WEIRD... enjoy!

Running a school is very expensive. Not only are there the normal costs of wear and tear, there is also the abnormal costs that come from having several hundred magical teenagers running through the halls. ESPECIALLY when three of those teenagers are Harry, Ron, and Hermione. So, it came as no surprise when the school found itself a bit strapped for cash. Afterall, most of their benefactors were now in prison, surrounded by jelly-filled dementors. I mean, jelly-filled doughnuts being eaten by dementors... but that's someone else's story for some other day.

The first sign of money trouble came when Dumbledore gave his usual announcements at the beginning of dinner. "Due to some serious explosions in the past, as well as a series of unfortunate events..."

"Hey, those are books," someone yelled and got hexed for interrupting.

"Anyway, as I was saying, we are short on funds and have been considering what should be done to fix this. After much discussion, and the rejection of selling Girl Scout cookies and doing car washes, we have decided to have a slave auction. The First Annual Hogwarts Slave Auction will be held next Saturday. Please attend and bring your money."

The students whispered all through dinner, trying to figure out who would be on the auction block.

"Come on, Harry, admit it. They couldn't have an auction of students and not include you. Are you going to be for sale? We won't tell anyone."

"Don't you think I'd know if I was for sale?" Harry snapped. "I don't know who's for sale. Maybe the professors."

"I'm so sure that Snape would willingly submit to some student bossing him around for a day. What if is was a Hufflepuff? What if it was us?" Ron cackled maniacally and everyone looked slightly scared.

Saturday rolled around, and everyone waited in anticipation for the slave auction that evening. After dinner, Dumbledore whooshed away the tables, including the head table. He murmured a spell, and the red curtain reappeared from many episodes back. The student body groaned good naturedly and watched for a hint as to who would be for sale.

"Everyone's here," Seamus complained. "Who could it be if everyone is here?"

Dumbledore strode to the front of the platform and cleared his throat. "My fellow Hogwartians, please welcome the Evil Elite, who have kindly consented to be sold for our profit." No one made a move, as this was quite unexpected. The Evil Elite? All together and in one place and willing to be made someone's slave? Maybe there was something in the pumpkin juice, but that was last fic.

"But first," Cassirin, your lovely author, appeared around a curtain, "we must sing Happy Birthday to Lotus." Cass snapped her fingers and Lotus appeared. Wearing a giant red bow.

"Cass," Lotus whined. "It isn't my birthday anymore. And this bow is cutting off my circulation. I can't feel my legs!"

"Shhh..." Cass had a huge false grin plastered on her face. "Be nice and smile or they'll pay more for Zymurgy then for us. They like her better, you know."

First up was Quantamus, who had to go first because she was new and made the most awful faces about it. "My name is Quantamus. And, er... I'm evil?"

"Tell us something we don't know," a voice called from the back of the room. Quantamus stuck out her tongue in that general vicinity, basically ostracizing all of the Hufflepuffs.

"Who'd like to buy this lovely lady?" Any Evil Eliter was a fine catch, and the bidding was fast and furious for a bit. Eventually, she goes to Professor Lupin, who the author has stuck into this story because she likes him. He needed someone to grade his papers and figured Quantamus would be more evil then he would.

Part II

The rest of the Elite went as quickly. Padfoot and Gill_boo went to some Gryffindor first years who mistakenly thought the girls could help them with their Potions homework. They were really more of Transfiguration types. Hoiq and Me4ron were somehow commandeered by the house elves for picking up stray bits of clothing that were left around. No one knew how they got the money, considering they didn't get paid. Things came to a standstill when Elizabeth Wood came to the platform.

"Twenty Galleons!" a familiar voice called. Elizabeth squinted in that direction.

"Grandma? What are you doing here?"

"Oh, you know," her grandmother smiled. "Handing out lollies and knitting baby booties. Making friends with the squid and teaching the house elves how you really can deep fry anything."

"Wh- okay," Elizabeth knew by now to take it all in stride. That was the beauty of being Evil Elite. "Anyone else want to bid?"

No one wanted to outbid a grandmother, so Elizabeth was sold. Her grandmother fed her tea and cupcakes as her slave labor. The author is infuriated that someone dared to have cupcakes when she is clearly the Queen of Cupcaketopia, where sprinkles rule the earth, and no one can... Grandma Wood gives the author a cupcake with sprinkles. Where were we?

Born2mugglz bounced onto the stage in her pink tights and was bought up by some Hufflepuffs who thought she was an aerobics instructor. Malfoy_is_HOTT! was purchased by Filch to polish all the torture devices in the dungeons, but ended up dipping Mrs. Norris into a vat of catnip and being sent to tan by the lake. Ron Weasley was serving detention that day and had an unfortunate reaction to the catnip. Mrs. Norris and he nearly destroyed the dungeon in fighting over it. Kirstie and Cyrene were purchased as a sucking up gift to Snape by the Slytherin house. However, he didn't want anyone evil or elite near his precious potions supplies, so they joined Malfoy_is_HOTT! by the lake bringing cupcakes. They offered one to Cassirin in order to appease her.

Much to Jenn's chagrin, Malfoy bought her. Ever since the author gave her to him to love, he had been following her around like a little lost puppy. When Malfoy won, she threw a chair at his head. He didn't notice.

Lotus came out wearing a huge turban on her head. She announced, "I am a world famous hypnotist. I will show you my skills, and you will be so impressed that you will pay a great deal of money for my services. Can I have a volunteer?" No one volunteered, so the author tickled Dumbledore and Harry, who jumped out of their seats. "Very good. Thank you."

At Lotus's command, both Harry and Dumbledore went into a deep sleep. "At the count of three, you'll wake up. But everytime you hear the word glockenspiel, you'll have to run and find Cassirin and sing, "I'm a Little Teapot. One, two, three." The two of them woke up and yawned. Lotus shouted, "GLOCKENSPIEL," and the two ran backstage shouting the song at the top of their lungs. Mad Eye Moody bought Lotus and obliviated her so that she could no longer remember how to hypnotize people. He thought it was too much of a threat to Harry's safety to be always running away to find a random evil person. The author didn't like it much either, because someone always seemed to be saying "Glockenspiel" when she was in the shower or trying to take a nap.

Zymurgy completely refused to come out. "I'm EVIL. Why would I help someone? Besides, I don't do windows. And, inevitably, whoever buys me will want me to do windows."

"But I told people you would be for sale," the author whined.

"Well, I'm not. And don't whine. It's not very evil." And that was that.

The author was the last one up for sale. She nervously stepped out on the stage and struck up her evil pose to hear... nothing. "Where's my theme music?" she yelled. "Where was the DUN DUN DUN? Hold on a tic..." She pulled out her wand and started waving it randomly. "Just need to get my song back." Around her the curtains fell and the students ran for cover.

"DUN DUN DUN."

"Okay, all better." But the room was empty. "Hey! Who's gonna buy ME?"


From Lotus:
1. A famous hypnotist does something to Harry and Dumbledore.
2. Beth's grandma (all better) visits Hogwarts and gives out strange lollies and knitted baby booties.
3. Ron and Mrs Noris get in a fight over some catnip.
4. Dubledore calls for a slave day to help raise money for school repairs. (slave day is where students and teachers are auctioned off for one day, to the highest bidder.)
5. The Author (you) must, in accedental Evilness, destroy something.

Oooooooooooo! I can find about five things wrong with that sentence...

1) I don't bounce
2) I'm not for SALE... :ermsmile:
3) I do NOT ever want to see my name and the word arobics in the same sentence
4) Hufflepuffs aren't evil enough for me
5) You know the sad thing? You actually made me laugh, and that was a major, major, major.....dis on your part.

arobics instructor...sheesh! :rolleyes:

Congratulations on a FANTASTIC (and evil, of course!) FF!

I loved it, Cass! When I wound up at the end, I had tears in my eyes, I was laughing so hard! Great job!!!!

-Beth

OMG! That was bloody hilarious, I laughed the whole way through! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Thanx for the bow but red's not really my colour. Ahhhh, fantastic, I was the hypnotist, but I don't remember that? :huh:

My brother walked past and gave me one of those looks, cause I was laughing so loud.

Cassirin! I PROTEST! I may be evil, but I'm not a wet blanket, and I live up to my promises. (I do do all the dares I say I'll do) If I'd said I would consent to be sold, I would be sold. And I'd do what I was told.
*breaks for air*
CASSIRIN! YAY FOR YOUR EVILNESS! I LOOOOVE YOU!
:huh:
Did I just say that? Eeew! Evil people don't say that!
Ok...
CASSIRIN! YOU ARE EVIL! AND I ... ADMIRE YOU!
Yeah. that sounds better.

You know, Cass, I wish the three original Elite could come together for coffee or something sometime... but we're so far appart...

Yeah, Zy that would be good.
Why don't you two come over, I can show you all the sites. :sorcerer:

Sounds loverly, Lotus, but Icouldn't afford it. Even a 'phone call'd be realy expensive. We are destined to live far appart and be such great friends... I just think that's sad... *sobs*

Well, If you ever head down under drop me a line at my hotmail addy.
I'd love to have you guys over for :ccandy: :bittenchoco: .
Actually I have rello's over there, they live in Washington state, and California.
Next time I'm in the area I'll look you guys up.

Aw, man, I would love to hang out with the evilest of evils. Who knows...? Unfortunately, Lotus, I'm no where near California and Washington, but if you are ever near the lovely state of Ohio, there I'll be.

Maybe we need to schedule a cyber coffee break... :)

:lol: That was funny! Yep Malfoy wont leave me alone! >_<

hehe...I had to give another kick...mwahahaha...but he doesn't take the hints I give him! :shifty:

Lol!

Sadly, I'm an 8 hour drive from Washington (DC) and waaay far away from California. *sigh* Though, if I ever do make it to Australia, (which I doubt will happen soon) than I'll be sure to let you know. And if I'm ever in Ohio... (more likey,) I'll bet quite sure to tell you about it! If one of you ever happens down to Worcester MA, (which is also very unlikely) come by and see me!

QUOTE"Kirstie and Cyrene were purchased as a sucking up gift to Snape by the Slytherin house. However, he didn't want anyone evil or elite near his precious potions supplies, so they joined Malfoy_is_HOTT! by the lake bringing cupcakes."

Yay, stupid Snape!! Cupcakes Rule!!