#90—Present

“And what have you done to arm yourself against You-Know-Who?”

“I have done what needs to be done and at present I don’t feel the need to elaborate for you, Arthur. You just look out for the well-being of your own.”

“Is that a threat, Lucius? Because I’d be more than willing to bring both you and Narcissa in—”

“For what? You have nothing on us.”

“Perhaps I’ll bring Draco in as well. Make it a family affair.”

“You’re talking smoke, Arthur. I’m sure that’s one of the reasons why the Minister’s failed to promote you, is it not?

#9—Defense Against the Dark Arts

“Father, is it true that the Defense Against the Dark Arts position is cursed? And that the Dark Lord himself did it? No one can fill that position for more than a year.”

“That’s just a rumor, Draco. You shouldn’t bother with silly stories like that.”

“Don’t kid yourself, Narcissa. We never had a permanent professor for that class either. Everyone knows how the Dark Lord coveted that job and how bitter he was when Dumbledore wouldn’t give it to him. People just don’t want to admit it’s cursed, that they’re trying to get something the Dark Lord also wanted.”

#40—Spell

Lucius and his mates were underneath the tree by the lake, huddled around a piece of parchment and, occasionally, one would break away, flick his wand and come back in. Narcissa, seeing this odd behavior, walked over to the group to see what was going on.

“Just what are you guys up to? It looks like you can’t figure out a spell or something.”

“It’s none of your business what we’re doing,” Lucius answered, sneering. “I doubt you would be able to do it anyway.”

“Try me.”

“No. Now leave us alone.”

The boys circled in close, shutting Narcissa out.

#71—Untie

“Untie him now!”

A wand held by a masked person flicked and the ropes disappeared. The frail, thin figure slumped to the floor.

“Tell me about the prophecy.”

“I know nothing.”

“You keep to your word, Unspeakable. Tell me!”

“You’re going to have to kill me, Lucius. I know you. I know Narcissa. I know Draco. Azkaban will be waiting for you all.”

Lucius stood up, facial expressions hidden by the mask. “Idle threats from such a defeated man. I’m giving you one last chance.”

“It wasn’t meant for you.”

“That makes no difference. You had your chance. Avada Kedavra!”

#92—Chocolate

“Honestly, Draco. You really shouldn’t eat so much chocolate. You’ll end up as plump as that Weasley woman.”

“Don’t you dare compare my son to such filth. Besides, it’s the holidays. Let him eat.”

“Am I the only one that has any kind of self control around here?”

“Self control? Ha! This coming from the man that will throw a killing curse at anyone that looks at him cross-eyed?”

“I don’t think Draco remembers your fat phase, Narcissa. Should I refresh his memory?”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“You know me better than that. Now get the chocolate away from him now.”

#10—Arithmancy

Narcissa wasn’t paying attention to what the professor was saying. She was using her newfound knowledge of Arithmancy to determine just how compatible her and Lucius were but the numbers weren’t adding up. No matter how they were put together and which aspect of the chart she used, it kept saying that her and Lucius repelled like the poles.

She stole a glance in Lucius’s direction and saw him; head propped on his hand, eyes shut and mouth gaping. It was nice to know that she wasn’t the only one not paying attention. But at least she was being discrete.

#42—Portraits

All he wanted was a moment of peace and quiet but the portraits wouldn’t oblige. It was Narcissa’s incessant nagging that kept the paintings up in the study. Lucius felt it was oxymoronic to keep things of such racket in a place that’s supposed to be quiet but she wouldn’t bend. And neither would the unbreakable sticking charms on the frames.

“Will you shut up? This is my study and I want it quiet!”

“There’s no reason to yell. We’re not yelling—”

“Honestly, if you wanted us to be quiet, you just had to ask nicely—”

“Honesty—”

#72—Vex

Lucius sat in his chair, fists clenched, mumbling under his breath and sneering at nothing. Narcissa was somewhat worried.

“Darling, you look vexed. What’s wrong?”

“Vexed? Vexed? Do I look vexed, Narcissa? You want to know why? Because Potter stepped far beyond the line of reasonableness, that’s why you half-dead twit. If you haven’t noticed, we’re lacking a servant. The dishes are piling up.”

“Then we’ll get a new one. Losing Dobby isn’t the end of the world.”

“But I don’t want a new one. He’s been in my family for generations and that arrogant little boy set him free.”

#94—Allergic

“I want a cat.”

“We can’t get a cat, Lucius. You know that. I’m deathly allergic to them.”

“All the more reason to get one,” he smirked.

“So you want me dead, is it? I’m sure my parents would love to hear that anecdote.”

“Please, Narcissa. As if it’s such a surprise. You no longer on this planet would be euphoric for me.”

“How would you feel if I was plotting your death on a daily basis?”

“Ecstatic. Are you? It would be such a release.”

“Do you ever take me seriously?”

“Are you ginger?”

“Funny.”

“So about that cat…”

#12—Charms

The class was scattered about the room, practicing Accio in this particular Charms lesson and only a handful of people were able to get the charm right.

Narcissa watched as Lucius practiced the spell and was able to make not only his book but his chair zoom towards him. She was having difficulty with her own book and hoped that Lucius would notice her and offer to help her out.

Well, she succeeded in attracting his attention when the book she was summoning flew out of her control and straight into Lucius’s head, dropping him dead weight to the floor.

#43—Headmaster

“Lucius, do you really think you should be doing that now? It’s late as it is. Why don’t you wait until morning?”

“The Headmaster is still awake. In fact, he’s out roaming the grounds as we speak. The sooner I serve him with this order of suspension, the sooner he can be dragged out of Hogwarts. Whatever is loose in that school is doing it justice. Dumbledore will only get in its way.”

“Why do I even bother? You don’t listen to a word I say anyway.”

“You know, I ask myself that question every day. Why do you bother?”

#73—Warn

“My Lord, please. Not Draco. Lucius’s faults are his own. Leave Draco out of this.”

“Your groveling will do nothing, Narcissa. Besides, Draco willingly accepted the task. He, unlike you, understand that someone must pay for his father’s mistakes. And since he isn’t here to do that, Draco will have to take his place.”

“But My Lord, do you honestly believe that Draco has the ability to kill Dumbledore? He’s weaker than I.”

“I warn you, Narcissa. Don’t you dare question my judgment. Don’t think I have nothing planned for you too. Guilty by association, the way I see it.”

#95—Snowball

Lucius was hit on the side of the head by something cold and wet. He stood in shock for a moment before wiping the debris from his face. He looked in the direction it came from and another connected with his torso. Lucius looked up and saw Narcissa readying herself to pelt him with another snowball. Lucius sneered and reached for his wand. He whipped it out and aimed it at Narcissa.

“Cruc—”

“No!”

Lucius was tackled by Crabbe and Goyle trying to wrestle his wand away.

“She’s not worth Azkaban.”

“Not for snow.”

Lucius sneered and admitted defeat.

#15—Room

“Narcissa, how many times do I have to tell you, there isn’t any room in our bedroom for that bureau. You’ve got every inch of perimeter occupied with something. I feel claustrophobic in my own bed.”

“Then we’ll just have to put it somewhere else, won’t we? How about the lounge?”

“How tacky is it to have to retrieve clothes from the lounge?”

“What about one of the spare bedrooms?”

“I’ll tell you where to put that bureau.”

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing. Wherever you decide to put it is where it stays. I really don’t care.”

“Your input would be appreciated.”

#45—Torch

Lucius donned his Death Eater garb and prepared himself. It had been a long time since he’d tortured muggles and he was looking forward to it. He lit a torch and passed it along to one of the other Death Eaters. He couldn’t actively participate and light the way simultaneously.

“What are Draco and I supposed to do while you’re off muggle-bashing?”

“Stay out of the way. Unless you want to join us.”

“I hate muggles as much as the next pureblood but Lucius, the Dark Lord isn’t even among us. What’s the point then?”

“Shows how much you know.”

#74—X-tinguish

“You idiot! You’re not supposed to light things on fire! Put it out now!”

While practicing her charms work in the common room, Narcissa succeeded in setting Lucius’s robes on fire. Panicking, she extinguished them with an Aguamenti charm she had just mastered. She apologized incessantly but Lucius wasn’t all that forgiving.”

“Perhaps you should learn to master your wand in seclusion. That way you can’t hurt anyone else but yourself.”

Thoroughly embarrassed, Narcissa grabbed her things and ran to her dormitory. Lucius assessed the damage to his robes and repaired it with his wand, all while mumbling to himself.

#96—Socks

“Narcissa, where are my black socks? I can’t find any of the pairs that I own. Are they in the wash?”

“Just wear the white ones. No one will see them.”

“I can’t very well wear white socks with a black outfit. How atrocious would that look?”

“You wear long trousers and robes. Honestly, who’s going to see it?”

“It’s bad enough to know that Weasley-esque fashion statement is there. Don’t I have gray ones? Wait, did you burn all of my dark socks?”

“Of course not. I just think Dobby’s been slacking. He has been acting quite strange lately.”

#17—Cauldron

Lucius and his father walked along Diagon Alley, shopping for start of term. It was Lucius’s first year so all standard purchases needed to be made.

As they were walking out of the cauldron shop, Lucius spotted his mother talking to another, older, couple. With them were an older girl, quite gaunt and dark for her age, and a younger girl around Lucius’s age with similar platinum hair.

There was something about that family that just wasn’t right. Lucius couldn’t put his finger on it but they just didn’t rub him the right way. Something was unnatural, perhaps even scary.

#46—Dungeon

“If Hogwarts’ sole purpose was to be a school, then what was the original intention of the dungeons? Do you think they really threw kids down there?” Narcissa queried to her friends.

Lucius stood off to the side, half-heartedly listening but not at all caring. Suddenly he was bumped from his thoughts by Argus Filch.

“Those dungeons were used back when people knew how to punish insolent little children. Couldn’t get away with throwing dungbombs in the corridors. I keep asking Dumbledore to just let me recommission the chains but he won’t. Says the parents would object. Not even thumbscrews…”

#76—Zap

“Weasley! What is that?” Fudge yelled from across the lobby. Lucius looked in Arthur’s direction with an amused expression.

“It’s a bug zapper, Minister. Muggles use it to kill insects. Apparently it zaps and the bugs die.”

“Quaint, Weasley. Tell me, are you going to add this in to your collection of plugs?” Lucius couldn’t help but speak up. “You see, while the muggle world is inferior, there are more interesting things to salvage than mechanized Avada Kedavra zappers. Narcissa even finds it primitive.”

“At least I have a legal hobby, Lucius.”

“And does that include charming cars to fly?”

#98—Pajamas

“Lucius, wake up! You have to see this! Now!”

Lucius grumbled as he was yanked out of bed by Narcissa. Without letting him gather himself, she dragged him out the door. She thrust him out into the middle of the front garden, demanding that he look up. He grumbled, rubbed his eyes and looked towards the sky.

“What am I looking at?”

“It’s a meteor shower! It looks like it’s raining light! Isn’t it gorgeous?”

“I’m standing outside, in my pajamas, bare footed, looking at star farts at three am. It would be gorgeous to smother you with a pillow.”

#19—Wand

“You’re going to have me do what? Wait a minute. That isn’t like me at all. Who are you? Where’s that Rowling woman? There’s no way she’d have me shove my wand up Narcissa’s nose in her sleep. Who is this?”

“Lucius, I think we’ve been hijacked by some crazed fanfiction writer.”

“What in the bloody hell is fanfiction?”

“The muggles, you see, they take a pale comparison of us and make us do wildly out of character things. You should see what they do to Severus. And they have Draco paired with that mudblood.”

“Those evil spawns of Satan.”

#47—Portkey

“Lucius, don’t!”

Lucius picked up a pile of parchment. “What is slash?”

“It’s fanfiction that us canon characters refuse to speak of, written by Those-Who-Should-Be-Denied-A-Quill. You don’t want to know.”

“I don’t? But you know what it is, Narcissa? How?”

“Please don’t make me relive it.”

“Wait, it says here that I touch the portkey and I get transported to a house where…OH MY GOD!!!”

“I told you not to read it. You never listen to me.”

“Who’s having my baby? How is that possible?”

“Honey, you’re getting all shrieky. Just stop thinking about it. It’ll only make it worse.”

#77—Cheerful

“Cheer up, Lucius. It’s best to just ignore it.”

“It’s hard to be cheerful when I know the horrible things…how can I ignore what some god-awful writer is doing to me? For the love of god, Narcissa, Sirius—”

“Please don’t say it.”

“I think I just gagged on my own tongue. Can’t that Rowling woman do anything to stop this?”

“I’m afraid not. As long as people give her proper credit for us, they’re not doing anything wrong. They’re creating lives for us that aren’t in the books.”

“But I don’t want —”

“Please stop. It’s not really us.”

#79—Author’s Choice—Azkaban

“This is what I get for being the product of some muggle mother. I’m sitting here in Azkaban. And rightly so. But it can’t stop there, can it? Nooooooooooo. Some stooge has a Death Eater braiding my hair, Narcissa bringing me cookies and Draco waltzing with Voldemort. Hello! Canon much? Obviously this schmuk has never had Narcissa’s cooking and doesn’t know that Draco has two left feet. Help me muggle lady. Rowling, is it? Rescue me from the suethors and slashers of fandom. As much as I’d enjoy watching Narcissa bob for piranha, no one deserves this. I’m begging you.”