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"MYSTERIOUS SHIP APPEARS IN THE BLACK LAKE"
by Sectum Scribbles

By now, we are used to bizarre occurrences at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but these things tend to happen while school is in session at the thousand-year-old castle. Just a few days ago, the professors and the Headmaster were in disbelief to find an antiquated ship rocking gently in the dark waters of the Black Lake.

"One moment I was heading up to my office to pack for the summer," Professor Josephina Hadley, Arithmancy, said. "And the next, I was watching something large appear in the lake."

There are various legends and folklore revolving around the Wizarding School. Yet as far as we know, only one ship ever came to Hogwarts via the Black Lake - the one that took the Durmstrang students to and from the Triwizard Tournament in 1994. Upon further investigation of the ship, it was deemed to be deserted and free from any Dark magic.

Headmaster Tate confirmed that the ship and Hogwarts remain safe. "Of course we were surprised by the appearance of the ship. It isn't every day an ancient schooner appears miles from the ocean on a landlocked lake, even in the Wizarding World. But after careful investigation, we have every confidence that the thing is safe."

Wizarding experts are not giving up, they say. Due to the mysterious disappearances of several Hogwarts Professors, they are prepared to link the appearance of the ship to any one number of circumstances. Perhaps it is the real reason behind the disappearance of Charles Mugwort? Or rather, why Sylvie Welton, Hogwarts History of Magic expert, has suddenly vanished from the grounds? History lends itself to an interesting legend of an ancient love story, but as there is no concrete proof of any truth to these stories, experts will be working to uncover more details in the looming months.

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"Bole Blunders; Recard Revokes "
by Brutus Trimble

At the unprecedented suggestion of Mister Armen Recard, Department Head of Magical Transportation, the 36 year old pureblood wizard has rocked the Department of Magical Law Enforcement (MLE). The largest department of the British Ministry of Magic has now had a score of Apparition licenses revoked. The Transportation Head cited poor recent response times and security flaws within the Ministry from the MLE as his motivation for the dramatic proposal. Lord Berty Borr, acting Minister of Magic, and Martel D'Isigny, the Minister's top adviser, were quick to agree with Mister Recard and the movement was rushed forward.

The Minister was quoted giving his final call,"Consider their licenses [MLE], as of this moment, SUSPENDED in the name of the Minister and the security of our Ministry!"

Evander Bole, the Department Head for the Magical Law Enforcement, was unavailable for comment.

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"CARNIVAL ROLLS INTO DIAGON ALLEY "
by Brutus Trimble

The Worple and Wormsley Travelling Circus has rolled into town and is here to stay for a chunk of the summer. This fantastical fling is promising fun for all ages. With activities ranging from Stilt walking to a vast array of magical rides; this is shaping up to be THE event of the coming months. Bring your kids out for some fun and get a few treats while you’re at it. Also, there are several shops participating in a raffle, so do be sure to drop by the booth for your ticket! Expect high traffic during these times due to the influx of Hogwarts children and curious adults as well. All in all, we here at the Prophet suggest you get out and partake in a little bit of summer fun.

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"Headache at Hogwarts"
by Sectum Scribbles

As students climb aboard the Hogwarts Express and head back to the famous school in Scotland, parents all over the United Kingdom breathe a collective sigh of relief that school is once again in session. Students are anticipating their classes, the shopkeepers in Hogsmeade are preparing once again for the onslaught following their autumnal exponential population increase, and we here at the Daily Prophet are asking the oft ignored question: just what is Gaellen Tate doing up there in that castle?

Leaked reports from MLE indicate repeated Auror visits, this year's culminating in the arrest of two unknown women. Efforts to reach someone at the school regarding this matter went unanswered, but our source at MLE shared sordid tales of dangerous fires, ominous bloody messages, and more polyjuice than we could shake a bowlful of batwings at. Top that with reports of torrid professor romances, the destruction of the entire collection of school brooms, and a stream of serious injuries so steady it drove the fragile Healer Lilyan Moretti to resign in protest, and we at the Prophet can only conclude that Headmaster Tate has lost all semblance of control over his staff and students.

Legend holds that the school responds to its legitimate Head, and all reports suggest that the castle itself is now in full revolt. There is no better indication that all is not as it should be than by the massive recurrent staff turnover rate. In addition to losing a Healer, Hogwarts also lost several highly regarded staff members, professionals Tate touted last term as ‘the best in their respective fields.’ If the best in their fields just quit working at Hogwarts, it leaves this reporter wondering who that leaves to fill their enormous shoes.

“There’s more than one best in every field,” the Headmaster responded to our question, leaving a clear indication the man has only a rudimentary grasp on the English language. Arguably, ‘best’ cannot mean several. When pressed for additional details, the man colorfully suggested this reporter ‘take a long walk off a short pier,’ followed by a series of grunts that sounded something like: “Why don’t you introduce your face to my fist?”

If our sources at the Ministry are correct, the recently departed staff will be sorely missed. Incoming professors are reported to include several recent mothers with babies in tow, a shopkeeper's assistant, a bookbinder, a vampire enthusiast, a blacksmith, and someone so impressed with their own celebrity, they refuse last names.

This reporter supposes that only time will tell if the new ‘best’ staff will last the extreme professional test of working at Hogwarts, and we pose a new question for the Minister of Magic.

How bad does it have to get before you replace the former lawman with an actual educator?

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"Hogwarts to Celebrate Magical Anniversary, Ministry Celebrates Renewal"
by Sectum Scribbles

As the scarlet steam engine leading the Hogwarts Express rolls away from Platform 9 and 3/4, carrying children with dreams of flying on broomsticks and brewing dangerous potions, the very school which they are destined for prepares to celebrate its very magical 1000 year anniversary.

The 2076-2077 school year, which not only marks 1000 years of Hogwarts being in operation since its founding by Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Salazar Slytherin, also marks the hiring of three new professors, one groundskeeper, and one Healer. Despite the high rate of staff turnover since Headmaster Gaellen Tate's installation as head of the school, the former Auror remains optimistic about this school year in particular.

"After the recent discovery in our oldest records of the actual founding date of Hogwarts, we're making every effort to have the 2076-2077 school year be a celebratory one," stated Tate. "I don't want to ruin the surprise for the students, but we have events planned throughout the term. Our new staff members are high caliber professionals in their areas of expertise, and they should have no trouble helping us to execute our plans."

Besides the recent discovery of Hogwarts' actual founding date, the Ministry of Magic has recently "rediscovered" itself under the leadership of Alexander Greingoth, former Senior Undersecretary to ex-Minister Lord Berty Borr. Other changes within the Ministry include the firing of Armen Recard, former Head of the Department of Magical Transportation, and the promotion of Corin Vanderbilt as the Head of the Department of Mysteries. Sources inside the Ministry of Magic have informed the Daily Prophet that while the Ministry is still undergoing clean-up from the epic battle that resulted in the death of one Cult member and the capture of at least six others, numerous items vital to the Ministry are still unaccounted for. Orbs in the Department of Mysteries, portkeys in the Department of Magical Transportation, and personnel files on employees in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement remain missing.

Spokeswizards for the Ministry of Magic offered no comment.

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"Madame Primpernelle's Beautifying Potions Is Making a Comeback!"
by Brutus Trimble

Just last year, the famous beautifying potions shop was suddenly closed due to an alleged nargle infestation. The building has recently been cleared of any nargles or nuisances and deemed ready for business again. Under the new management of shopkeeper Lucifera Valentine, and her assistant, Daniella Ellis, the shop has been remodeled with a brand new interior design, reinvented to provide care for every single beauty problem the modern day witch or wizard may encounter, and, of course, made nargle-free for the safety and comfort of its customers.

In hopes of attracting old and new clientele, the new shopkeepers have organized a grand re-opening event, during which they are expected to receive some very important special guests, including Ellsworth Bott Toussaint, co-owner of Ellsberry, Inc. cosmetics, and the first lady herself, Hecate Lafay. The shop is welcoming all witches and wizards to participate in their grand re-opening, where beauty bags with assorted samples of their new products will be gifted, a raffle contest for a cauldron full of beauty potions will be held, and makeovers and beauty tips will be given by the shopkeepers and their various special guests.

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"Paradise Comes to Diagon Alley!"
by Brutus Trimble

Another school year is set to begin and just as the children of the Wizarding world exit Diagon Alley, a new shop enters the spotlight.

Reigning Triwizard Tournament Champion, Hogwarts alumni, former Gringotts Curse-Breaker, pseudo-celebrity and now businessman Duncan Fletcher has brought a taste of paradise to the North End of Diagon Alley. Fletcher, along with his newly hired Tattoo Expert (Assistant Nolan Park), has opened the doors of Paradise Piercings & Tattoos to customers of all ages.

Fletcher and Park are excited for the shop’s opening and despite the widely held opinion that tattoos and piercings belong on a more ‘degenerate’ crowd, the two have gone out of their way to make their business appeal to a wide audience. The shop is themed around the tropics, as evident from the moment you walk through the building’s glass double doors. There are potted ferns and flowering plants in every corner and bright, eye-catching paint on nearly every surface. A lounge and gift shop containing shop merchandise is to your right as you enter Paradise. You can take a load off your feet, get a fizzy soda drink, or listen to your favorite tunes for only one sickle.

Not only does Paradise offer you a cool haven from an exhausting day of shopping, but it also
provides the unique services of both moving and standard tattoos, ear and navel piercings, and a variety of jewelry, all available for purchase. Fletcher has stipulated that only of-age wizards (those 17+ and 16-year-olds with parental permission) can get permanent tattoos, while wizards 15 and younger must have parental permission for piercings of any kind.

The shop’s grand opening celebration is September 1, with the offer of a Golden Ticket of sorts being handed out to every customer who walks into the store. “The Golden Ticket is not just any golden ticket permitting you to enter Paradise, see,” explained Fletcher, “but it’s also a COUPON so that you BUY something. And if you don’t use it, you can put it in a raffle for a sweet prize. We have really cool stuff in here. You should check it out. Check out PARADISE today.”