If you think that these weren't good, you are seriously deluding yourself! These are both excellent, but I do understand how you may feel that it's not your best work. But if this isn't your best work, I am certainly looking to see more from you!
I'm going to attempt to give you a little bit of specific constructive criticism. I realize that I myself am not exactly a poet laureate, but perhaps I am a better critic than writer (you know how that goes; easier said than done
) I understand COMPLETELY if you don't want to change any of this, and will by no means feel offended. I haven't really done some good, constructive criticism in a while, so forgive me if I'm a little difficult.
Quote:
Just a boy
Why does he think he is better than me?
This question keeps running through my head,
Why doesnt he write love letters to me,
Because he thinks of himself instead.
Nice job, I wouldn't change a thing in this first part, it's concise, biting, and full of truth, and it's a good opener, the way you answered your own question really drew me in. Good job.
Quote:
He's worried that his hair doesnt look just right,
What a day it would be if it fell out of line,
He kept me on the phone all night,
To have someone to which he could whine.
I loved this part as well, but the last line doesn't quite feel natural... i would say something like, "To have someone to listen to him whine," or even "Listen while he'd whine," (though I admit, that doesn't sound great either.) That's just a suggestion though, it's your poem, not mine.
Quote:
The next morning I awake tired,
Im in a grumpy mood,
I wish I could get fired,
From the job for him I do.
Again, same deal as above. It's a well said stanza, except for the last line, however, this one's a little trickier to come up with an alternative for. "From the job he makes me do"? Oh, maybe "From the job he puts me through"? Like I said, you don't have to change it at all if you like it the way it is.
Quote:
He sees me during the day,
So involved with his own life,
I wish he would simply say,
"What is wrong today my wife?"
Sad, but well done. There's nothing to change.
Quote:
I try to cry out for help,
But my sceams are never heard,
Why doesnt hear my endless yelp,
Is this what I deseverve?
Hm... this is the best part of the whole poem in my opinion, especially the last line. The rhetorical question is just brilliant, and REALLY powerful. But the third line takes away from it a little bit IMHO. I'm really hesitant to give you any ideas on how to change it, because I feel like it wouldn't be right, it wouldn't be like your writing, but I'll give it a go: the "endless yelp" gives me some difficulty. It sort of contradicts itself, and the rhyme is really forced. I realize that not much rhymes with 'help', but maybe you could use a half rhyme, like 'self'. Self is a good one because it can be 'herself', himself', 'myself', 'yourself' etc... Another possible way to change it would be to simply get rid of the adjective 'endless'. A 'yelp', by definition, is usually pretty short, so if you say it's endless, it doesn't feel quite right... unless you meant to say 'endless yelp
s' and the spellchecker of course didn't catch it. If you meant to say that, it still doesn't sit quite right with me, perhaps "ceaseless yelps" would be better? IN any case, ultimately, there really is nothing too wrong with what you have, but it's just a suggestion.
Quote:
When I am in pain or when I am hurt,
He is the one that is worse off,
He treats me like I am dirt,
I can't help the fact he pisses me off,
Whoa! Anger! I've got to tell you, i AM a fan. This is great, but you go easy on this slob in the last line. Come on, you shouldn't HAVE to help the fact he pisses you off! He'd **** ANYONE off... the jerk. If you meant what you said, don't change it, it was a good way of saying it, but don't be afraid to go easy on this moron.
Quote:
When I turn to him he stabs me,
But not into my back,
By the heart he grabs me,
And doesnt notice what he lacks,
Nevermind what I said before, THIS is my favorite part. It's absolutely fabulous. I'm a sucker for the two-word rhymes (Stabs me, grabs me) and the flow was perfect.
Excellent job!!! :flowersmile:
Quote:
Instead of hugs and kisses,
Instead of candy and cards,
I get broken wishes,
And a BOY who thinks he knows it all.
This is a pretty good way to end it. I like that you've embolded the 'boy' part, it gives it a noce emphasis that flows well with the rest of the piece.
Again, this was not me not liking what I read, or not thinking you have any talent. Believe me, if I thought that, I would not have taken the time to tell you about it. You're a great writer, and as I said before, I am looking forward to more of your work in the future.
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