This is a short, one-shot fic about Sirius's thoughts about the night Lily and James died and the time afterwards, being it was on Halloween I figured it was an appropriate time to write it.

This story is dedicated to my smappers- Jess, Shawn, and Emilie- for without their inspiration and friendship I'd be Sirius without his Marauders. I always hoped God would send me someone who understood me... he sent me 3.

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It was October 31st, and he was gone.

It hurt. That's the first thing that comes to mind when I think of that night; though when one thinks of the word hurt, they think of a sort of dull ache that fades with time. This was never dull. It never faded.

It stung.

So many nights I would sit in my cell and want to die. I plotted within my twisted mind to kill myself. I wouldn't eat. I'd starve. Then the pain, that cursed word that didn't do my feelings justice, would never come back. I wouldn't have to cry and scream for them at night, and feel the hopelessness that I would never see him again. That I'd never leave this hell. That I could never be happy again. These plans to starve, however, did not go as planned. I wasn't insane like the others who ended their lives in Azkaban before me. I was hungry and my mind wouldn't let me resist the urge to eat the garbage that was given to me.

It wasn't only the human instinct to survive that kept me living, though. There was a feeling, in the back of my mind. It's hard to explain because I couldn't fully comprehend this feeling myself. I felt as though it couldn't end this way-- with me being alone and my life at a standstill. It just wasn't right. I didn't think I would escape-- let alone be set free-- but I never wronged anyone. I never betrayed my friends. I didn't deserve to live in hell, and although I didn't think justice would make its mark on my sad excuse for a life, there was part of me that wanted it to-- more than anything else in the world. I didn't believe God would help me, for I stopped believing in him long before I wanted my life to end, though I felt that there was a force pushing me to live. I didn't know why. Maybe it was fate.

Then came the anger. I would make myself sick over the deeds done by the one who I trusted with the lives of those most dear to me. I was too angry to think of suicide. I wanted revenge. I would scream in frustration and shake with rage... the helplessness of my position made it even worse. Maybe it was better, though. I always let my anger get the better of me, and I would have probably ended up in Azkaban anyway; though I would have deserved it, and would have been at peace with myself.

Although the agony I felt over the loss of my best friends never left me, not even to this day some fifteen years later, the anger did. For everytime I pictured gleaming hazel eyes behind round glasses, a long pointed noise that crinkled whenever its owner got anxious, and a mischevious smile that always seemed to brighten my day, it faded. I found myself remembering the good times, and being happy to have known such a person as James Potter, for I'd rather have known for a day before losing him forver than never meeting him, knowing him, and loving him as more than a friend-- as a brother.

Now, on this day, October 31st, I can not help but weep at the memory of my best friend. I never got my revenge. I never got the justice I longed for. Things are looking up now, though barely. I am at a hopeless standstill again, like a statue who can not move, just observe the world around him and be desperately yearning to make a difference. Just watching... Watching was the only thing I could do. I hated it. I loathed it. It was worse than the memories in Azkaban, for there I was blind to the world. Now, I could the evils of the world... and watch that world pass me by.

I'm not ashamed to admit I still weep over his memory. For if you knew him, you'd weep as well. Everytime I hear laughter, I remember the countless nights staying awake doing just that. Everytime I think of Hogwarts, I can still picture us, all four of us, roaming the corridors at night. Not causing mischief and mayhem because we disliked our professors, or wanted recognition, or because we thought we were superior to the rest of the world. Because we were together. Just us. And when we were caught and punished, we stood together. When we achieved, we commended eachother. Most of all, because those nights were sheer perfection. And now, we will never do it again. Not laugh together. Not cry togther. Not sit in silence, just because even our silent was perfect.

I hear Remus at my bedroom door, and a photo album is open at my feet, pictures scattered across the floor. They were too harrowing to look at, even now, and I let them fall from my lap without even realizing, or I was lost in the memories. He's calling my name, but I can't respond because my voice is dead in my throat, stuck, not to be released, for the sobs were trapping them inside me. He knows what day it is. He feels the same... though he didn't spend thirteen years staring at a dirty, stone wall thinking about that night. I heard his footsteps dissapear down the hall.

You're probably thinking I'm an angsty old man, whose friends are long gone. You'd probably tell me to get over it and live my life; however, that I can not do. He was my life. He saved me from death before I could comprehend how powerful it was. He showed me that not everything in the world was dark, that not everyone was hurtful, and that I could be myself without displeasing others. James Potter was part of me, and it's an insult to his memory to live on without him in my head. There are so many things I wish I could tell him. I wish I could apologize, for it was all my fault. I wish I could tell him what a remarkable man he was. Most of all, however, I'd thank him. Thank him for being himself. For being alive. For being my friend and fighting my own demons when I didn't have the strengh to do so myself. For without him, I don't think I could have survived.

I still think about ending the pain, for if this life was over, I'd be with my best friend again. That, however, is another thing I can't do. Remus experiences the same torture I do, not as deep, but it's there. If I were to leave, that would leave him with no one, and I fear what the desperation he would endure would lead him to do.

And then there's Harry, his only child. The closest thing that I have to James. I love him like my own son. I love him as I loved his father. I fear for him as well, though most of all, I grieve for him. The great tragedy in his life is not that he does not have a father, but that he never knew his father.
So while so many are out celebrating on Halloween night, this night can never be seen as a holiday for me. Never joyful. Never light-hearted. If I ever should forget, whether from old age or whatever reason I may have, this night will never let me. The date will sting me forever, as long as I live.

I suppose you will live to see many more Halloweens, and I hope you do. I hope you enjoy every Halloween that passes and savor the company of your friends and appreciate the good times, for I never expected to lose James that night.

Most of all, however, I hope you remember James on every October 31st you live to see, for although you never met him, he left his mark on the world and I wish you could know him as well as I did. I, Sirius Black, know he will always and forever be sorely missed.
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omg, Alana, that was so.. i cant even think of a word. It captured how he was feeling perfectly. Wow. It made me cry! And you deticated it to us! Bravo, chica. Keep up with your writing, you really have a talent for this.

Much luv,
<33 Jess

OMG Alana...that was great! It was so sad...I didn't quite cry...but almost. Poor Sirius...I just want to hug him. =-)
And you dedicated it to us! That's so sweet of you!
Definitely keep it up chica...you're awesome!

luv ya!
~Shawn~

Poor Sirius, I feel so bad for him. Excellent job writing it, though. I'll rate it for you..

I feel bad for Sirius 2. Nice writing. Very Very good

yay 2/3 of my smappers replied as well as the lovely taryn! hehe. thanks guys!!! and miracleman i appreciate it a lot.

Ohhh... that's so beautiful.... I cried, I did. LOL OH, I love this one... It perfectly captured Sirius and his emotions...and..... aww... he's with James again... Ohhh... I'm off to cry again... -sniffy- I love this one! I really do.

aw thank you so much!! i'm so glad you liked it.

awesome!! i cried!! that was so excellent!! lol

Heehee, I DO like it! Oh, you're a marvy writer, you know that?

thanks cho_chang!! lol. sorry to make you cry! but i guess it's a good thing for me, lol.

hermione_loves_ron, now you're just inflating my ego. lol, thanks so much.

oh my god, that was so beautiful! jeez!

that was really good!

yay!! hehe i really wasn't sure people would like this... im glad a few did!! thanks for replying everyone!!

welcome. if you've made more work, could you please link me to it? i love the way you write!!

well i have two fanfics that i already finished and are in character stories... Another Malfoy and Sweet Shadows, dunno if you read them or not.

miss me alana?!

i came to see what is up eith the ol' smap crew, and istumbled across this!!

it was really good and i was all teary eyed!

i am gunna print this out to show this to my hp obsessed amiga.

tons of chocolate,
starla

of course i missed you starla!! hehe, smap crew's same as always... smapping away... how've u been??

hehe, hope ur hp friends enjoy!!

Hey Alana! Remember me? I haven't been on in a very long time, but it's great to see that your stories are still a big success! Always capturing every emotion!
I love this "short one-shot" story. it was great! Keep up the great work!

-Natalie-

that was really good.