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OK, this poem has no title, and it's a bit lengthy, so I guess I'll just start with the 1st part. Most people who've read it said that they love the poem, I just feel a bit insecure about publishing it and all. I'd really like to know what you think of this narrative poem about faeries and such...anyways, enjoy... Beyond known towers and familiar places, Beyond your land and familiar faces Lies a castle barely seen Except by the trees and whispering zephyrs And the birds that sprinkle the skies like pepper As they fly over the ravines This castle, so decrepit and old Once lived in a beautiful era of gold Too long ago to reckon Let us see how a young woman's destiny shone Through the dark cloak of misery that was her own Hark! The call to the past beckons The maiden is running, fast and quick The maiden is running, she is sick With sadness and despair Her head spins; her heart shivers At her eye a tear quivers As she races to her lair Heavily she falls upon her bed Her heart fills with misery and dread As she thinks of one other Who forces her into a black abyss Where depression arises and all is amiss Her own mother. She never understands how this could be How one person could make her so unhappy Some say that all is hers But as long as she feels unloved inside Has no one to hold her when she cries She doesn't care for jewels or furs. That's just the beginning of it, guys...if I get enough requests, I'll post more soon. Geez, I'm such a nerd, I typed most of this from memory...*shakes head* |
hows that nerdy? i memorize a ton of my stuff! nice job tho its really really really good i love it so descriptive! |
Thank you. :wub: :wub: Would you like me to post more? It's a narrative story; the beautiful, melancholy maiden is only one of the characters. |
:unsure: :unsure: :unsure: anyone??? :unsure: :unsure: :unsure: |
Alright, I'm gonna post more JUST to spite you guys that have viewed the whole thing but not posted comments (I know there were at least six *looks around suspiciously* PLEASE post comments someone; I need your genuine opinion... Below, in the tower south Stands a man much broad of mouth And broad of head, alas A rich suitor, well is his chance Of getting the maiden; just one more dance He smiles in the looking-glass. |
She'll see his face; she'll see his fortune She'll wed him at once; she'll yearn a portion Thinks the man as he prepares For the final gala of the season He's so very vain, he sees no reason A servant perfects his hair. He dresses in silver furs and skins His ponderings on his prey, his win Many sons she will bear In beauty she near surpasses him Bright almond eyes, cream-coloured limbs The sun gleams like her hair. He hears a footfall at the door A swish of cloak, a step once more He turns his gaudy head But no, he is quite mistaken It is the mother, not the maiden Clothed in deep blood red. He takes her arm; they take the stairs They reach the ballroom in a pair They hear the lute and fife As he circles in a dance He looks around for his chance For his future wife. I'm sorry, but doesn't this guy remind you of a greedy Lockhart? I thought so...anyways, to review, the maiden is melancholy cuz her mother's nasty and cruel; the suitor wants the maiden as his bride, and the mother has her own evil intentions for this man! *gasp* What could they be?? I shall post again... WHY does it feel that I'm talking to myself here? Hullo?? *taps on computer screen* Anybody home? |
ooooooooooh yaaaaaaay nice job. youre keeping me in suspense here! defnitely want more!!!!!!!!! im waiting waiting waiting cant wait any more *starts pulling her hair out* NOOOOOOOOOOO you can't make me wait!!! NOOOOO NOOOOO NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! |
Thanks for making me feel better, Alyonna chica. But think about it...there are SIXTY members online right now...SIXTY!! And twenty views of this post...it's bloody mad... No one's a critic? I would even take a nasty person...pleeease someone tell me what you think of this. I shall not reply until I get at least two replies from two different people. So there >:( *miffed* |
I really like this! The imagery is remarkable. You really have a talent for painting pictures with words. And the rhyme scheme is unusual, but you make it work! Please don't get discouraged! I'm dying to read more! |
I bow down to you. You are one heck of a writer. Great, great work! |
Thank you!!! I shall definitely post more very soon, as soon as I get my wits together. Hey, how about a bit now... :shifty: The moonlight falls upon her hair The moonlight glows into her lair A single candle burns low She dreams of places never seen Towers of gold, childlike queens Though at the ball she's supposed to show. The moon-kissed ground is suddenly crushed By strong bare feet soft to the touch She awakens to the sound The maiden starts as the windows show The silhouette of a man in the moon-glow Her heart begins to pound. She stands up and steps a time, once more The drapes of her white gown softly skim the floor The stranger comes inside This man has eyes like a wild mare His muscular chest, his dark dark hair Pants made of deer hide. "You are of the faery!" she cries. "True," says the man, "and none have lied, You're the fairest I've seen." He touches her face, he looks in her eyes From a deep bliss within his heart he sighs. "Come with me, my queen." |
I love this. You tell a great story, with lots of description, but you also keep it rhythmic and stay true to your rhyme scheme, something that is hard to do in narrative poetry. I give it a definite thumbs up! :up: |
Panic grips; the maiden is tense This man could attack; she must have sense If he menas harm she musn't wait She slaps his face, once, then twice He catches her hand on the thrice "You cannot escape your fate." There are voices in the hall They are guests come from the ball A candle she goes to light He holds her back, he strokes her locks Her breath comes quick; on the door someone knocks He leaps out to the night. A servant enters; once she bows. "Your mother wishes to see you now. Strange, today, she is not distraught." The maiden puts on a silver shawl And follows the servant out to the hall Wondering what her mother sought. |
:flowersmile: You are very talented, and I wouldn't be worried bout publishing if I were you. I am a published writer and I know what it takes and you definatley have nothing to worry bout. How soon will you be submitting it for publishing? *TWO THUMBS WAY WAY UP* :sorcerer: |
I'm glad you posted more! Keep going! I'm really dying to know what happens next! |
Thank you all. I'm really glad you're enjoying this. I already feel more comfy with this poem, thanks to you. I feel it's time to publish, yaay! But, some people here are dying of suspense. I'll post more of the poem, tomorrow, keep ur socks on!!! :lol: |
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Please please write more soon! :sorcerer: |
^ yeah i totally agree. i definitely need more like waaaaaaaaay more. i cant wait forever you know! nice job, keep it going, and DEFINITELY publish! |
Definitely publish, and definitely post more. Right now! I'm having a hard time holding on to my socks! :lol: |
Come on!!!! Whatcha waitin for??????? WE NEED the story to go on! :shifty: Pleeeeeeaaaassseee give us more! :sorcerer: |
*looks pleased* You really do like it?? Groovy! I'll post more guys, sorry to keep you waiting. She thinks back to the faery lad So full of youth, hazel eyes so sad Almost like a dream Despite herself, she wonders when He would return to her window and He’d see her in the moonbeam. She opens the door; she sees in a blink There is her mother in a cloak of mink Dyed deep red. A pretentious man is standing near He smiles lustily; it is quite clear He’s come to wed. The suitor walks to embrace the girl Bedecked with jewels, his teeth gleam like pearl “How do?” he enquires. The maiden pulls away in disgust And learns from the suitor’s eyes shining with lust What her mother desires. I must stop here, cuz some peeps get a bit confuzzled by this part. The mother does not desire the suitor, she desires that they marry. But she's not all sweethearted and nice; she has her own evil intentions for this man, for this marriage. Oooh, suspense...what are the mother's intentions? Will the maiden ever see the faery again? More coming next post! |
OK *stretches fingers* :lol: The wedding is set in a fortnight's time The queen's spirit is now sublime The kingdom will belong To her forever and her alone The evil queenship she will hone Before too long. Of horrible secrets she has one Of wrenching guilt she has one She hath slain the king She would do anything for power Her soul is bitter; her heart sour Within her greed rings. There is one person who found out this And the kiss of death would soon be his Had he not escaped her clutches. He was a faery of forest and deer He had filled her with love; he had filled her with fear But now she was the queen; the duchess. Futher into this we cannot delve This covert mystery we shall shelve For the wedding draws near. I must stop here, to build suspense! :flowersmile: |
You have definitely built suspense! I'm on the edge of my seat, wondering what's going to happen next. This is really good! BTW, have you thought of a title for it? |
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