This next post I would like to dedicate to my first reader, Kerri... I hope you enjoy.


“Where the bloody hell have you been?” shouted Remus when the door clicked behind Emily. She flinched, knowing his reaction to her disappearance was going to be pretty bad.

“I went out, you know, I needed some air.” Emily tried to sound as innocent as she could. “Besides, it’s your fault I needed air. If you want to blame someone, then look in the mirror.” Before she could stop herself, the sentence left her mouth and she regretted it instantly.

“My fault? My fault? You are not going to put this on me, Emily James Remus Amelia Sirius Black.”

Uh oh, the full name. Now I’m in trouble, she thought to herself. “But technically-” She didn’t get the chance to finish.

“I. Don’t. Think. So,” he stated through clenched teeth. “You had no right leaving the way you did; you are just a kid. You could have gotten yourself hurt or killed.”

“But, Remus--”

“I’m not finished yet,” he cut her off again. “Emily, do even realize how much you mean to me? How much you scared me when you disappeared?” He waited for her answer. She just shook her head. “Well, let me clue you in. You mean the world to me. You are my goddaughter; I swore to protect you, to keep you safe. I love you more than life itself. Do you get it yet?” Remus asked.

“Evidently you’re the only one who cares about me. Isn’t that what you were getting at this morning?” Angry tears were falling from her cheeks.

“What on earth are you talking about now?” Remus asked, the anger not completely gone.

“This morning, when we had our ‘traditional’ talk about my parents. You told me they were dead to you, which, to me, basically means they’re still alive but didn’t want me. Is that why you never tell me about them? They didn’t want me? So they handed me off to you. Why did they hate me so much?” Emily sobbed into her hands, sinking to the floor.

Remus bent down and grabbed her shoulders. “Emily, I can assure you that they didn’t, don’t hate you. They didn’t ‘hand you off’ to me. Emily, your parents are dead, and the reason I don’t like talking about them is because it still pains me. I look into your eyes and see my best friend looking back. Your father was my best friend. They loved you more than life itself, as do I.” Remus wasn’t ready to have this conversation. He wasn’t ready to tell her the truth, so for now, a lie would have to do.

Remus picked Emily off of the floor and walked to the living room. Sitting down on to the couch, he gently laid her in his lap, resting her head on his shoulder. “You sure did think a lot about my former statement, Ems, what exactly did you do today?” he asked her with a growing suspicion.

“I...I... I went down to the beach we always go to; La Push. I...I can’t tell you what I was going to do.”

“Why not? I won’t be mad or upset; just tell me,” Remus persisted.

“I...was...going to...let the water drown my pain, Rems.” Remus stiffened beneath her, she felt like she had to go on the defense before he could interrupt. “I was just so upset. I felt like nobody wanted me, and I know you love me, Rems, and you are always enough. I was just upset. Please understand. I was just...just hurt. But I didn’t go through with it obviously, I mean that’s good and, and--” Emily broke off, not knowing what else to say. “Please say something,” Emily begged.

“I’m not sure of what to say. Look at what I’ve done. You tried to kill yourself today, Emily, exactly what would you like me to say?”

“Say that you’ll forgive me and that you love me. Tell me who I am.”

“There is nothing for me to forgive. You didn’t do this to me, Emily. You did this to yourself. I’ve told you I love you a million times, and yet it does nothing. You are Emily James Remus Amelia Sirius Black, my goddaughter. You are a young witch who attends Hogwarts. You are smart and beautiful, and yet it still seems to not be enough. You tried to off yourself based on a misinterpretation. What more is there to say?”

Emily was crying, realizing that she had hurt him more than she was planning on hurting herself today. “I’m so sorry, Rems, but how can I know who I am when I don’t even know my past? My ancestry? My parents?” she asked back. “I love you very much, Remus John Lupin, like a daughter loves her father I’d imagine. And I get that it might be painful for you to talk about my parents, but I need to know who they are. It’s way beyond the fact of figuring out who I am. You won’t even tell me anything about them,” she accused. “I have to know who they are, and if you won’t tell me, then I’ll find someone who will.” It wasn’t a threat; it was a promise.

“I’m trying to protect you from the pain. Believe it or not, Emily, the truth will hurt, and I refuse to hurt you.”

“Have you ever thought that maybe by not telling me the truth, you’re hurting me more? While you ponder that question, why don’t you think of my plans today.” She waited for his response, but he gave none. He just stared at her, opening and closing his mouth as if he were trying to speak but couldn’t get the words out. “Ugh!” Emily huffed. She threw her arms up in the air, stomping up the stairs to her bedroom. She slammed the door and sat on the end of her bed. She crossed her arms over her abdomen, being stubborn. Remus had followed her. Opening the door and making his way over to her, he sat beside her, his body facing her.

“I’m sorry, Ems, but I can’t tell you,” he spoke slowly, making sure she wouldn’t miss anything. “All I can tell you is that once upon a time, your parents were the smartest, brightest, kindest people I knew. They were good-hearted people and they loved you very much. Never forget that, Ems.”

“Rems, you’ve told me this many times before, but what about them? Not how they felt about me and cared for me. All you’ve told me is that I was named after my Dad’s best friends and brother. I need to know who they are.” Emily felt like a broken record. She’s repeated that same sentence so many times in the past, so many times today.

“They’re dead, Emily, case closed.” He flinched during his statement, looking as though he were lying. Emily knew his lying face all too well. He had let himself slip with his poker face and couldn’t believe it. Twelve years of no mistakes and he slipped. He quickly stood and walked out of the room and into his bedroom swiftly. Emily ran after him.

“Are they still alive?” Emily banged on his door. “Remus John Lupin, you had better open this door and tell me what in the name of Merlin is going on!” she yelled through wood. She was about to resort to using her wand when the door suddenly flew open. Remus stood there, looking haggard, tired, and old.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what you mean.”

“Don’t you dare try to lie to me, Remus. Don’t forget that I know your every face. Answer the question, Remus. Are they still alive?”

“No, they’re dead,” he repeated again. He could tell she wasn’t buying it, so he changed the subject. “Shall we get back to the matter at hand?” Emily looked confused for a moment before it dawned on her that she was about to receive her punishment for her trip. “Since you did not follow through with your plans, what exactly did you do?” It was a question, but it wasn’t at the same time. It was a demand; there would be no worming out of it.

“I...went for a swim,” Emily stated, knowing that if she gave away whom she was with, she’d be in loads of trouble.

“You were swimming?” he asked incredulously. “I don’t believe you; it’s freezing out.”

“Honest, I did go swimming."

“I can’t believe I didn’t think to look there. I went everywhere looking for you, you know? I went to the Weasley’s and the Granger’s. They had no idea where you were and told me they would go to Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley to search for you also. They worry about you, too.” Remus was looking at her, the most sincere look on his face. She couldn’t stand the distance between them any longer. Closing the space, she put her arms around his middle, laying her head on his chest, crying silently into his flannel shirt.

“I’m sorry, Rems.” He stroked her hair and kissed her forehead.

“I know. Hopefully one day you will understand my secrecy. Oh, and by the way, you’re grounded if you haven’t already guessed as much,” he chuckled. Emily laughed with him, and then bidding him goodnight, went to her room and thought of the day’s events.