Harry, Ron and Hermione walked into the Great Hall for their last Start-of-term Feast at Hogwarts. They were just finding some empty seats at the Gryffindor table when Neville came up to them. “Harry,” he said seriously, “have you heard?”
“Heard what?,” asked Harry.
“There’s been a revolt in the kitchens! The Hufflepuffs were saying that they’ve refused to send up any food at all!”
Ron and Harry immediately turned to Hermione. Ron looked outraged.
“Hermione, this is our last start-of-term feast! How could you do this to us? Why on earth couldn’t you have made the house elves revolt during the summer when no one was here?” Ron demanded angrily.
Hermione sniffed. “I’m sure I had nothing to do with it. I’ve been with you the whole time. And besides, instigating a house elf revolt isn’t nearly as silly as buying a Chudley Cannons hairbrush.”
“Hairbrush? HAIRBRUSH??? How can you be thinking of hairbrushes at a time like this?”
“Don’t make such a scene, Ron.”
Dumbledore then stood up and began his customary speech.
“Welcome to a new term at Hogwarts!,” he said, beaming at all of them. “I have several announcements to make...”
“Hairbrush,” Ron muttered, still looking darkly at Hermione.
“...but I will wait till you’ve all enjoyed an excellent meal to make them! Tuck in!”
“Whatever happened to the sorting?,” asked Hermione.
“Don’t complain,” Harry exclaimed, “It just means that we get to eat sooner!”
No sooner had he said this than the food appeared on the tables. As soon as Harry, Ron, and Hermione saw it, they knew that Neville had been right- the house elves had rebelled. On the table were only peppers, cookie jars with narrow openings, and something that looked like carbonated pumpkin juice. All the students looked up to the high table on the dais, as if expecting an explanation of the strange feast. Dumbledore pointedly poured some juice in his goblet and took a sip. The other teachers followed his example, but their smiles looked very forced.
“They’re just putting on a show,” exclaimed Ron, outraged. “They don’t know how to fix the food! It looks disgusting!”
His tirade was interrupted when suddenly Dumbledore put a hand over his mouth.
“He’s going to barf!,” a Hufflepuff yelled.
Suddenly Dumbledore opened his mouth and burped. It was a long, deep burp that lasted at least a minute. The other teachers, who had been wearing pained expressions, also let out huge belches.
Meesimouseiskool stood up, stuffing the last of one of the peppers into her mouth. She pointed an accusatory finger at the high table.
“The teachers burp!,” she shouted. “I’m shocked!”
Ron was more concerned with getting some better food than with listening to the teachers’ grotesque burping. “Come on!,” he said to his plate. “Give me some real food!”
The plate emitted a high pitched giggle, and then some purple fuzzy pumpkin stuff with tuna appeared. Ron grimaced, then threw it over his shoulder. Unfortunately, it hit Lotus right on the neck and dripped down her robes.
“Eeeeewwwww!,” she squealed. “Edge, did you throw that?”
“I didn’t throw anything,” Edge replied angrily.
She_who_is_not_to_be_psycho picked up a pepper and examined it. She then lobbed it into a crowd of 2nd year Ravenclaws. The screamed, and in a moment peppers, cookie jars, and extra-fizzy pumpkin juice were flying everywhere.
“Grab your torches and pitchforks!,” yelled Harry. “This is going to get nasty!”
The Gryffindors all obeyed, and soon were fighting with Meesimouseiskool against some other students, led by Edge.
Meanwhile, Draco grabbed a cookie jar and, followed by Crabbe and Goyle, snuck into a corner. He was very hungry. He stuck his hand in and grabbed a cookie, but found he couldn’t pull it out again. “Help!” he shrieked, and started dancing around, waving the cookie jar in the air.
Parvati Patil had been studying flobberworms over the summer. In the midst of the commotion, she took them out of her pocket. Looking for something to throw them at, she spotted the screaming Malfoy and lobbed one at him. It hit Crabbe and fastened its nonexistent teeth in his flesh.
“Help me, I’m dying!,” shrieked Crabbe.
“No, help me, I’m dying!,” shrieked Malfoy.
Appraising the situation, Harry decided that the enemy was vulnerable to attack by biting. He decided to call in his army of hamsters, which lived in the dungeons and ate only shrivelfigs. He put two fingers in his mouth and whistled a part of the Hufflepuff Fight Song, and the hamsters came pouring into the Great Hall in response.
“Not Harry's Herd of Happy Hamsters,” cried Blaise Zabini in despair.
In all the ruckus, Malfoy went unnoticed. His antics had finally resulted in his pulling his hand out of the cookie jar- and half a cookie was clasped in it! He raised it to his mouth, but a hamster jumped up and bit off hand and cookie.
“You can’t do that,” said Malfoy, aghast.
“I just did!,” squeaked the hamster, and ran off.
Malfoy and Crabbe lay in agony in the corner, but in the rest of the battle the tide was turning. No one could resist Harry's Herd of Happy Hamsters. The Gryffindors were already considering a victory dance, when Professor Flitwick, who had had less fizzy pumpkin juice than the other teachers, crept down from his place at the high table. He pulled Ginny aside and said, without burping once, “I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!" Would you care to take a ride with me?”
“Oh, Filius!,” Ginny replied, “I’d love to!”
They walked out of the Great Hall hand in hand. Flitwick opened the door for Ginny, and she climbed in. He then tapped his wand on the ignition, and the car started.
Meesimouseiskool looked out of the window of the Great Hall.
“Look at Flitwick and Ginny!,” she exclaimed.
The students all rushed out in a horde to see the happy couple driving away around the lake- all the students except Crabbe. He hadn’t really been hurt by the flobberworm’s nonexistent teeth. He stayed in the Great Hall, cracked open each cookie jar with a dead hamster, and ate every last cookie.