He had discovered Gwendolyn the Gardner who was really angry at how inconsiderately placed she was 69 years ago (she would have rathered a position on the exterior of the castle to watch the green grass grow), which led to a big discussion about plants. Gwendolyn specialised in cross-breeding magical and muggle plants, did you know? Anyway, he was just about to introduce himself to Harold Schwarmypoopsicle when he was nudged off of his feet.

There had once been a superstition that you would never break a bone if you sang Harry had a little Niffler quickly before impact with the ground was made. Needless to say, Varius failed to sing the whole song in time and collided with the stone floor with no hope of being fixable afterward.

He returned to a normal stance, pleased to find no bone had been broken and turned to face his attacker! It was an older woman, likely to be a staff member, and if not, an intruder. OH NO! INTRUDERRR!

He took dueling stance and reached into his pocket pulling out a... carrot? "It may be breakable and it may be orange, but do not be deceived by the good it will do as one of your five a day! What is your purpose!? Why did you attack me with no warning!? Speakkkk fair maiden!" (Clearly, Minister Henry IV's insane vocabulary had rubbed off on him from a few portraits back).