| Ramora
Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Merlin Foresaken PST
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Originally Posted by XanaSnape  "No... I want to. " she nodded as though trying to convince herself of this. "I want to always be honest with you." "Alright." Slughorn had a soft smile as he prepared himself to listen to her, giving her hand one last squeeze.
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Originally Posted by XanaSnape She sighed. "So-- today. First, I flunked arithmancy. Then, I helped Trel to break into the professors' offices to hang decorations and leave gifts... good intentions, but a bad act... Then, I went to distract Professor Erikson, so she could decorate his office. In the course of things, he made a joke that I completely misconstrued... so I ended up confronting Professor Blaylock asking of all things if she was my biological mother-- it sounds absolutely ludicrous now, but at the moment it made all the sense in the world to me... She was kind, but I was humiliated to the core."
"I find Professor Blaylock to be very...accommodating." He smiled at her reassuringly. This wasn't a pristine week, but it might be one of those things that, with time, she'd be able to forgive herself for. She needed to be more forgiving on herself as it was, in his opinion. He loosened his grip on her hand and placed it on her shoulder for a moment before drawing it back to himself, still listening patiently. Quote:
Originally Posted by XanaSnape She cringed. The really hard part. "It gets worse... Josh asked to see me... to try to convince me again to be with him. He knows where my heart lies, and he just-- I don't know, on the heels of the rest of the day he made me wonder if maybe I'm misunderstanding everything, and I feel terrible for casting him aside without a chance, in favour of someone... who maybe doesn't want me at all and never will.... when he's been so kind to me, so patient... Is it my fault for not feeling for him as I do for you? And so... " she took a deep breath, terrified to confess, but compelled to do so.
"I kissed him. I shouldn't have; it was a mistake. And I felt terrible the instant I did it, and I apologized to him immediately... I don't want to mislead him, or hurt him in any way-- in fact, it's because he was hurting so badly that I did it. My friend is hurting and it's my fault... I'm grateful that he cares, and I thought maybe he'd feel differently if I did it -- like it would feel wrong and end his feelings? I don't know. I don't know what I was thinking. "
'No?' Slughorns green eyes became blurred with a film of moisture, he squeezed them shut, shook his head and momentarily pressed a finger onto his lip. He was trying to keep a warm smile on his face, as he opened up his eyes again. "You did?" Almost as if he were confirming a child's recount of his or her day at school, a small hint of surprise in there. Before he could ask why, she explained. She had hurt his friend. Not purposely, but she had hurt his friend. She regretted.
How could this be happening? The voice inside his head going off, telling him, 'Won't no woman wait fi ya! Ya not worth 'er time, boy!' He'd forgotten to take a breath, and it caught up with him now as he inhaled in a large gasp. 'Oh, Jessica, Jessica,...tell me it's not true. Plllllleeease???'
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Originally Posted by XanaSnape She blinked back tears, determined not to cry. "Of course, I'm probably making the greatest mistake of all right now in telling you all this. But I feel as though I owe you an apology, like it was a betrayl in some way... is that ridiculous? It's not as though you've claimed me, or promised me anything... but after what you said to me in the duelling club... but then, it was back to being invisible and I thought maybe I misunderstood you after all and... now, telling you this..." She choked back tears, determined to keep control. "I'm so afraid I'll lose your respect, and I won't even be able to earn your friendship-- much less anything else-- and that is so important to me... But... I could never hide a thing from you... I have to be truthful." She sighed deeply. "Clarity. I do lack clarity. And perhaps sanity."
She hung her head in shame. "I'm so sorry. I hope you don't think I'm a terrible person. "
'And ya words, boy? Dispensable arrangements of the alphabet.' To him, she had also devalued his words. Took the worth of his silence over the worth of his syntax. And that hurt him on a different level.
"I don't...", he caught his breath. "I don't think you're a terrible person." He remembered himself and resisted the urge to bawl and run. He was leaned up against the tree, as if pushing it and huffing. He might've been crying but that stingy moonlight revealed none too much. He cleared his throat and swallowed, as he stood up straight trying to be the strong one for her, though this reminded him all too much of an Inferno he knew too well. "Maybe,...just a little hurt right now?" He struggled to not draw any ragged breath. "You don't owe me a thing. I don't think you've betrayed me. And, I'd like to think you a friend. It's... " He couldn't move...breath...think. His heart was barely beating. He was frustrated, the curse of this if you do, if you don't situation. An emotional Mexican stand-off.
He turned to her, ran a finger under her chin to pull it up. "Xana, Xana, I need some clarity too...do you really think that I would, by my actions, just toss you aside? With no word of resolution? Do you think you are worth that little?" 'Do you think me cruel enough to...?' He wanted to ask, but that might be far too much and she was delicate as it was. He looked into her deep and infinite sapphires. A man pleading for his life. No, not his life...hers!
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