"No... I want to. " she nodded as though trying to convince herself of this. "I want to always be honest with you."

She sighed. "So-- today. First, I flunked arithmancy. Then, I helped Trel to break into the professors' offices to hang decorations and leave gifts... good intentions, but a bad act... Then, I went to distract Professor Erikson, so she could decorate his office. In the course of things, he made a joke that I completely misconstrued... so I ended up confronting Professor Blaylock asking of all things if she was my biological mother-- it sounds absolutely ludicrous now, but at the moment it made all the sense in the world to me... She was kind, but I was humiliated to the core."

She cringed. The really hard part. "It gets worse... Josh asked to see me... to try to convince me again to be with him. He knows where my heart lies, and he just-- I don't know, on the heels of the rest of the day he made me wonder if maybe I'm misunderstanding everything, and I feel terrible for casting him aside without a chance, in favour of someone... who maybe doesn't want me at all and never will.... when he's been so kind to me, so patient... Is it my fault for not feeling for him as I do for you? And so... " she took a deep breath, terrified to confess, but compelled to do so.

"I kissed him. I shouldn't have; it was a mistake. And I felt terrible the instant I did it, and I apologized to him immediately... I don't want to mislead him, or hurt him in any way-- in fact, it's because he was hurting so badly that I did it. My friend is hurting and it's my fault... I'm grateful that he cares, and I thought maybe he'd feel differently if I did it -- lke it would feel wrong and end his feelings? I don't know. I don't know what I was thinking. "

She blinked back tears, determined not to cry. "Of course, I'm probably making the greatest mistake of all right now in telling you all this. But I feel as though I owe you an apology, like it was a betrayl in some way... is that ridiculous? It's not as though you've claimed me, or promised me anything... but after what you said to me in the duelling club... but then, it was back to being invisible and I thought maybe I misunderstood you after all and... now, telling you this..." She choked back tears, determined to keep control. "I'm so afraid I'll lose your respect, and I won't even be able to earn your friendship-- much less anything else-- and that is so important to me... But... I could never hide a thing from you... I have to be truthful." She sighed deeply. "Clarity. I do lack clarity. And perhaps sanity."

She hung her head in shame. "I'm so sorry. I hope you don't think I'm a terrible person. "