Top 10 Reasons Why HP is better than LOTR:
10. Dumbledore's beard is longer than Gandalf's.
9. No nasty hobbitses.
8. Tolkien was clearly never introduced to women's lib.
7. Seven books... three books... you do the math.
6. There's only so much orc killing a girl can stomach. Yes, good job, you killed something else.
5. Oliver Wood... *swoon* *cough* I mean... what are we talking about?
4. Elves have weird ears.
3. When you chop up HP for the movie, it offends you a lot less than when you chop up LOTR.
2. "Follow the butterflies, follow the butterflies."
1. Wands are so much easier to carry than staffs, and they accessorize with any outfit.

***

Lockhart: Alright, Christy, go ahead and start asking your questions. Please keep in mind that you can't ask ME any questions. I KNOW how disappointed you are, but I'm sure these fine young men will be able to soothe your saddened heart.

Christy: How did you get out of St. Mungo's?

Lockhart: (looking panicked) Um... I said you can't ask me questions. Contestant One... here's your question.

Christy: Fine, One, what's your favorite color? (The audience boos her and someone throws a dirty balaclava at her) Eww... that was unnecessary. One, tell me about your ideal date.

One: Well, I suppose I'd take you to a really nice restaurant and we'd do something romantic like sharing spaghetti or staring at the candle or holding hands or that rot. (Christy looks intrigued until...) But you'll have to pay for it, because I haven't any money.

Christy: Okay, right... Number Two, same question.

Two: Well, I guess we'd start with a backrub. Yes, that would be nice... smooth out all those tense muscles and just get ready for a nice relaxing evening. Of course, I'd make you wash your hands first. Don't know where you've been to be touching my back like that... or even if you're a filthy Mudblood... (The audience boos again and someone throws a screech owl and a handful of melting chocolate frogs)

Christy: HEY! I didn't do anything. Watch where you're throwing that stuff. Why are you people even on a show like this?!?!

Three: Um... is that my question? I'll answer it anyway. To be perfectly honest, I'm not feeling very secure in my current relationship. I feel that she's lost interest in me... and I want to see what my other options are. (Christy looks ready to swoon over the charming Scottish accent, but Erin looks suspicious)

Lockhart: (Jumps in) That ends round one of questioning. Let's go to a commercial break, and we'll be back soon.
***

Top 10 Reasons Why LOTR is better than HP:
10. Spiders are way scary! And snakes! And faces popping out of the back of heads! And orcs... I mean.... shhhh
9. Elves are pretty. *pets* We likes it.
8. Gimli was funny... hairy women.... hahahahahahaha haha ha
7. Your dad will go see it with us. And actually want to be there.
6. Frodo and Bilbo and Samwise are really FUN words to say. Say Bilbo ten times fast.
5. Legolas! *marries him and has 15 elven bebes*
4. New Zealand is pretty, as are special effects.
3. No sisters have been lost to unfortunate Internet addictions over this series.
2. Ents are the freaking coolest things ever. No really... they are TREES that TALK.
1. You don't have to wait to read the next book.