Okay, this is NOT an EEFFC fic... just to warn you straight off. I write these long, crazy letters to my sister, and this is my most recent one. I wanted to let a few of my lovelies see it, so here it is. You are welcome to read and ask questions, but don't criticize. It isn't for you, so who cares if you don't like.

Dear Bossy Child,

Alright, fine... you win. I broke the Internet, my book is downstairs, and I don't feel like going to bed yet, so apparently, it is time once again for me to write you a letter. I'm actually quite disgruntled about breaking the Internet... you know how I am about my addictions. I had quite a time trying to think of what to write about in this letter, especially considering you asked it be about Harry Potter. Here's what I got:

***

Erin's Predictions of What Will NOT Happen in the Next 2 Books:
* Harry will change his name to Harriet and move to Vancouver.
* Ron will suddenly decide he LIKES the color maroon. He names his first born Maroon.
* Ginny will fall in love with Dobby the House elf, who is actually a rogue agent of the Wizarding equivalent of the CIA.
* Ron will die.
* Hermione will fail her NEWTs because she spent too much time binge drinking with Malfoy the Ever-Attractive Bouncing Ferret.
* Neville will make an appearance on Survivor and will be voted off after one week because he keeps pointing sticks of wood at the water and shouting rather than actually doing any real work.
* Dumbledore will decide that a 'fro is the way to go. Long live Disco! Viva polyester!
* A nice American girl named Erin will be introduced as a character. She kills Voldemort, marries Harry, and become the Minister of Magic. She also does not live with her parents.

***

Announcer: Thank you for joining us once again for everyone's favorite game show, The Dating Game. I'm your host, Gilderoy Lockhart, and, no, sorry ladies, I'm not up for grabs. (cheesy fake smile) Let me introduce you to today's contestant. Christy come on out!

(Christy is dragged onto the platform by Erin, who is smiling widely and waving at the audience)

Christy: Erin, I already told you I don't want to do this. It was really cruel of you to get me here under false pretences.

Erin: It isn't my fault you're gullible. As if JK would let you pre-read the new Harry Potter book... HELLO? It isn't even written yet. Now you sit right here and get comfortable.

Christy: I won't! I'm going home! I don't want to go on The Dating Game.

Erin: You don't have a choice. (She coughs and ropes spring out of the stool and tie Christy down) What? I have something in my throat. Now, you have to play the game, because we need to get Mom off of my back about finding me a husband. The best way to do that is to find YOU one.

Christy: (frowns) Fine, but YOU better watch your back. I know karate.

Erin: No, you don't.

Christy: Darn! I forgot you know things about me. Nevermind.

***