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OtterySt.Catchpole · 06-02-2007, 01:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lari Atari

Ari wasn’t the perfect build but she was wiry and strong and that was good on a windless day. Arora was pale and thin; she was tall for her age and had raven coloured hair. The most unusual thing about her was the vivid streaks of green flowing through her straight black hair.

That was a cool description, I especially love love the part I highlighted.

Don't ask me why, but that sounded so cool

seriously. Yup yup.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lari Atari

Potions. Arora sighed and pulled the book towards her. She began making lengthy notes on the different kinds of Wargltof and the importance of it in a Cleansing potion. She had just about made it though her piles of hand written notes on the potions they had done in class when Cendie threw up her pen saying, “It’s hopeless.”

You know it's a sign of true creativity when you make up your own stuff. Yup yup. I do it all the time, I mean not just creating original characters, or making up stories, but I mean inventing creatures and things, I think that's neat and brilliant and sadly not lots of readers know that takes a lot of effort. So yay for Wargltof ... sounds like something the Klingons would call each other

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lari queen of the Safari

Cendie punched Arora in the gut and Arora clutched her stomach while the laughter subsided.

Dood, Cendie's tough.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lari, she likes to pari erm Party LOL Hagrid

[COLOR="Navy"]“Hey man I’m going to supper, you coming?” Sam asked his friend Rane. “Nah, I’m gonna cram for tomorrow.”

Actually Lari, that should have been written like this:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ottery he's so hottery, oh yeah!

[COLOR="Navy"]“Hey man I’m going to supper, you coming?” Sam asked his friend Rane.
“Nah, I’m gonna cram for tomorrow.”

I don't know if I mentioned it before but every time a new person speaks you need to start a new paragraph so that the readers don't get confused. If I did,

Sorry don't mean to be all repetitive.

You know I wuv

you Lari Hatari.

Did I mention I'm totally in love ♥ with Rane? Even his name sounds cool *insert drooly Otty here*

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lari Minary

Rane’s hazel eyes hardly left the parchment he was frantically scratching on. Sam smirked and left the Ravenclaw common room, it was so typical of the boy not to study until the night before and then just barely pass a test. Astronomy wasn’t Sam’s subject but he didn’t fail it that often, after all the studying he shouldn’t at all. The thirteen year old boy was blond and had grey eyes. He was a good build and quite muscular, but the most interesting thing about him was his smile. Or smirk rather.

*Ahem* Aside from the fact that Sam is hot ... *cough* the part I bolded should have been a separate paragraph because now you're talking about Sam and not Rane, so it's a bit confusing, but ... I totally loved the descriptions Lari. Yay, the boy's are so cute. I hope you write loads more about them, I'm so like Rane ... leave all the studying until the last minute ZOMG!

But I always ace my exams

maybe?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lari heee hari

Sam was Welsh. He had transferred to Hogwarts only a year previously and was quite at home now. He and Rane had been friends for that long and Sam enjoyed every moment of it.

Just a suggestion Lari, but I think you should maybe do a flashback or something to show us how Sam and Rane became friends, I think it would be cute. Maybe do it as a separate story ... I'd like to know the story ... please?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lari who writes the cutest boys *Squeeeeeeee*

He stepped out on to the last flight of stairs and looked up. “Ari!”

The girl looked down and grinned at him. “Where’s Rane?” She asked leaning on the banister.

“He’s cramming for an Astronomy test!” Sam replied and walked down a few more steps.

“Test?”

“Yeah, I’m alright with it.” Sam said and his black sneakers stepped lightly on to the ground floor.

Arora was speeding down the steps as she usually did and Sam met her as she made it to the ground. “You sure?” Arora said grinning at him. Last time he’d failed.

“Yeah, no prob I studied all week."

Some how Arora’s eyes were disbelieving. “Yeah, sure,”

“What? It’s true!”

Arora laughed and her voice echoed around the space.

Sam smiled faintly and led the way to the entrance hall, his hands in his pockets. The Great Hall was bustling with activity, none of the students would bother staying in their seats and were mixing with the other houses, and the Slytherin tabled was the only table that was detached from the rest of the houses.

^^ Now what I did here Lari Lunari, is I split up your paragraphs (red for Sam & pink for Ari), you should compare it to the original just to see how mine is easier to read. You can tell when someone new is speaking or if it's Sam or Arora more easily because every time the voice changes you start a new paragraph. Yes I know I'm like a boring old English teacher

but we do this in all the languages for a reason. To make it easier to read.

That said, I loved the way Sam was all excited when he saw Ari

can you say love?

<--Otty shipper!!!!!!!11111

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lari doesn't love chickens Lunari

“There goes a perfectly good Friday afternoon,” Arora said in an undertone while spearing a piece of chicken. “At least it’s not going to be with Snape.” Sam replied. He had served a detention with Snape after maliciously exploding a potion that spattered on the Professor’s face.

I loved how you described that

oh and no one wants detention with Professor Snape

Quote:

Originally Posted by Linda Hagrid

Oh, hi Cendie, Sam thought to him self. What a great way to but in! The Jamaican girl sat down next to Arora and said, “So what’s up?” “Ari’s just got herself a detention.” Sam replied grinning at the girl. He was a great actor. “How’d that happen?” Cendie asked her eyes wide. “Set Tina’s robes on fire.” Arora said a small smile appearing on her face. Nice. “I was wondering why she was so ticked.” Cendie said smiling hugely, there was nothing funnier than that, even though she’d missed it. “...with a boy?” Tina had said as though they were announced to be married. Sam smiled slightly again while he hunched over his food.

Okay so this whole paragraph confused me. It seemed like Sam's thoughts were in light blue, and again, everyone is speaking in the same paragraph so it gets confusing as to who says what ...

Sorry loves, but ... especially that "...with a boy?" comment

sorry sweetie, I don't get what's going on here?

Maybe I'm just slow ...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lari, she's so romantic, Me so hari I mean happy

Sam and Arora hardly had to say anything to her and she talked on and on about mundane things that interested neither Sam nor Arora. Finally they made it to the hall in which Sam had to part from the other two. “ Night!” he called to them as he climbed a flight of stairs and disappeared to callings of good night. Sam’s mind was full of nothing but Arora.

Now that was just ... bloody cute ... *sniffles* I knew I should ship A/S.

They're cute Lari ...

Quote:

“Hey you! What d’you thing your doing? You better watch where your going from now on!” “Sorry man,” Sam said rubbing his head while sitting on the floor. “I’m a woman!” the suit shrieked at him. Sam hurried away from it and down the corridor.

That was just funny. Seriously. Lol. Too cool! You should put more funny stuff in your story ... please, funny is good. Give us more funny.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lari she's so tardy LOL

Sam thought while he freed himself and landed on his feet on the other side of the entrance. “Help me!” Sam tensed his muscles, ready for anything.

Suspenseful

But I'm done with the first page Yay!!!!!!!11111111

Just don't let it be something super ... uhm, not dangerous

Don't PAMS until I catch up Lari

and remember Lari ... I am your father ... *whoosh*

06-02-2007, 01:53 AM	#132 (permalink)
OtterySt.Catchpole SS Featured Artist DA Poet Rupert is My Man! SS100 Triumphant Aethonan Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The Wicked House Posts: 18,909 Hogwarts RPG Name: Ottery St. Catchpole Gryffindor Third Year	Never fear, Ottery's here!!!!!!!11111111 Paris & Kellybear r luv :Read Otty 's fics:Gone With the Wind:I♥Rupert Quote: Originally Posted by Lari Atari Ari wasn’t the perfect build but she was wiry and strong and that was good on a windless day. Arora was pale and thin; she was tall for her age and had raven coloured hair. The most unusual thing about her was the vivid streaks of green flowing through her straight black hair. That was a cool description, I especially love love the part I highlighted. Don't ask me why, but that sounded so cool seriously. Yup yup. Quote: Originally Posted by Lari Atari Potions. Arora sighed and pulled the book towards her. She began making lengthy notes on the different kinds of Wargltof and the importance of it in a Cleansing potion. She had just about made it though her piles of hand written notes on the potions they had done in class when Cendie threw up her pen saying, “It’s hopeless.” You know it's a sign of true creativity when you make up your own stuff. Yup yup. I do it all the time, I mean not just creating original characters, or making up stories, but I mean inventing creatures and things, I think that's neat and brilliant and sadly not lots of readers know that takes a lot of effort. So yay for Wargltof ... sounds like something the Klingons would call each other Quote: Originally Posted by Lari queen of the Safari Cendie punched Arora in the gut and Arora clutched her stomach while the laughter subsided. Dood, Cendie's tough. Quote: Originally Posted by Lari, she likes to pari erm Party LOL Hagrid [COLOR="Navy"]“Hey man I’m going to supper, you coming?” Sam asked his friend Rane. “Nah, I’m gonna cram for tomorrow.” Actually Lari, that should have been written like this: Quote: Originally Posted by Ottery he's so hottery, oh yeah! [COLOR="Navy"]“Hey man I’m going to supper, you coming?” Sam asked his friend Rane. “Nah, I’m gonna cram for tomorrow.” I don't know if I mentioned it before but every time a new person speaks you need to start a new paragraph so that the readers don't get confused. If I did, Sorry don't mean to be all repetitive. You know I wuv you Lari Hatari. Did I mention I'm totally in love ♥ with Rane? Even his name sounds cool insert drooly Otty here Quote: Originally Posted by Lari Minary Rane’s hazel eyes hardly left the parchment he was frantically scratching on. Sam smirked and left the Ravenclaw common room, it was so typical of the boy not to study until the night before and then just barely pass a test. Astronomy wasn’t Sam’s subject but he didn’t fail it that often, after all the studying he shouldn’t at all. The thirteen year old boy was blond and had grey eyes. He was a good build and quite muscular, but the most interesting thing about him was his smile. Or smirk rather. Ahem Aside from the fact that Sam is hot ... cough the part I bolded should have been a separate paragraph because now you're talking about Sam and not Rane, so it's a bit confusing, but ... I totally loved the descriptions Lari. Yay, the boy's are so cute. I hope you write loads more about them, I'm so like Rane ... leave all the studying until the last minute ZOMG! But I always ace my exams maybe? Quote: Originally Posted by Lari heee hari Sam was Welsh. He had transferred to Hogwarts only a year previously and was quite at home now. He and Rane had been friends for that long and Sam enjoyed every moment of it. Just a suggestion Lari, but I think you should maybe do a flashback or something to show us how Sam and Rane became friends, I think it would be cute. Maybe do it as a separate story ... I'd like to know the story ... please? Quote: Originally Posted by Lari who writes the cutest boys Squeeeeeeee He stepped out on to the last flight of stairs and looked up. “Ari!” The girl looked down and grinned at him. “Where’s Rane?” She asked leaning on the banister. “He’s cramming for an Astronomy test!” Sam replied and walked down a few more steps. “Test?” “Yeah, I’m alright with it.” Sam said and his black sneakers stepped lightly on to the ground floor. Arora was speeding down the steps as she usually did and Sam met her as she made it to the ground. “You sure?” Arora said grinning at him. Last time he’d failed. “Yeah, no prob I studied all week." Some how Arora’s eyes were disbelieving. “Yeah, sure,” “What? It’s true!” Arora laughed and her voice echoed around the space. Sam smiled faintly and led the way to the entrance hall, his hands in his pockets. The Great Hall was bustling with activity, none of the students would bother staying in their seats and were mixing with the other houses, and the Slytherin tabled was the only table that was detached from the rest of the houses. ^^ Now what I did here Lari Lunari, is I split up your paragraphs (red for Sam & pink for Ari), you should compare it to the original just to see how mine is easier to read. You can tell when someone new is speaking or if it's Sam or Arora more easily because every time the voice changes you start a new paragraph. Yes I know I'm like a boring old English teacher but we do this in all the languages for a reason. To make it easier to read. That said, I loved the way Sam was all excited when he saw Ari can you say love? <--Otty shipper!!!!!!!11111 Quote: Originally Posted by Lari doesn't love chickens Lunari “There goes a perfectly good Friday afternoon,” Arora said in an undertone while spearing a piece of chicken. “At least it’s not going to be with Snape.” Sam replied. He had served a detention with Snape after maliciously exploding a potion that spattered on the Professor’s face. I loved how you described that oh and no one wants detention with Professor Snape Quote: Originally Posted by Linda Hagrid Oh, hi Cendie, Sam thought to him self. What a great way to but in! The Jamaican girl sat down next to Arora and said, “So what’s up?” “Ari’s just got herself a detention.” Sam replied grinning at the girl. He was a great actor. “How’d that happen?” Cendie asked her eyes wide. “Set Tina’s robes on fire.” Arora said a small smile appearing on her face. Nice. “I was wondering why she was so ticked.” Cendie said smiling hugely, there was nothing funnier than that, even though she’d missed it. “...with a boy?” Tina had said as though they were announced to be married. Sam smiled slightly again while he hunched over his food. Okay so this whole paragraph confused me. It seemed like Sam's thoughts were in light blue, and again, everyone is speaking in the same paragraph so it gets confusing as to who says what ... Sorry loves, but ... especially that "...with a boy?" comment sorry sweetie, I don't get what's going on here? Maybe I'm just slow ... Quote: Originally Posted by Lari, she's so romantic, Me so hari I mean happy Sam and Arora hardly had to say anything to her and she talked on and on about mundane things that interested neither Sam nor Arora. Finally they made it to the hall in which Sam had to part from the other two. “ Night!” he called to them as he climbed a flight of stairs and disappeared to callings of good night. Sam’s mind was full of nothing but Arora. Now that was just ... bloody cute ... sniffles I knew I should ship A/S. They're cute Lari ... Quote: “Hey you! What d’you thing your doing? You better watch where your going from now on!” “Sorry man,” Sam said rubbing his head while sitting on the floor. “I’m a woman!” the suit shrieked at him. Sam hurried away from it and down the corridor. That was just funny. Seriously. Lol. Too cool! You should put more funny stuff in your story ... please, funny is good. Give us more funny. Quote: Originally Posted by Lari she's so tardy LOL Sam thought while he freed himself and landed on his feet on the other side of the entrance. “Help me!” Sam tensed his muscles, ready for anything. Suspenseful But I'm done with the first page Yay!!!!!!!11111111 Just don't let it be something super ... uhm, not dangerous Don't PAMS until I catch up Lari and remember Lari ... I am your father ... whoosh __________________