This is my response to Evlpez's Dare, which was
1. Teachers at Hogwarts add 'Veggie Tales' to the curriculum
2. It's Halloween. Dress some people up.
3. Filch casts a spell!
4. Madam Hooch falls in love.
5. Include the following: 'the brains of the outfit', a man with a dog, coffee, an observer, an itchy nose hex.
Due date: November 7th


It was getting late at Hogwarts, but much to the frustration of many of the participants, the teacher’s meeting was dragging on into the night. Professor Flitwick struggled to stay awake and was frequently nudged by Madam Hooch to prevent his snoring becoming embarrassing for everyone. The debate was about the curriculum’s latest addition. A directive had been handed down from the Ministry of Magic that “Muggle Studies” would be henceforth added to the range of subjects taught at Hogwarts, replacing the somewhat outdated teaching of the reading of Ancient Runes. This was the wizarding world’s version of the cessation of teaching Latin and was part of a drive to make modern wizarding education more relevant and practical. As the magical world increasingly intertwined with muggle existence, the Ministry felt that it would be most appropriate for young wizards to become familiar with their non-magical counterparts’ lives. Indeed, many young half-bloods and muggle-borns who were exposed to muggle existence as youngsters were now pushing to have mobile telephones replace the owl post as the favoured means of communication between young wizards. However, the magical interference with all electronics at Hogwarts caused no end of angst amongst those who were used to the conveniences of modern technology such as SMS, DVDs, PS2’s and a whole array of other acronyms that bewildered the uninitiated.

To research the topic, Minerva McGonagal, had spent part of her summer at number 4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, to obtain ideas about how to educate wizard children about Muggle life. Of course, the Dursley family would have been outraged to know that they had another magical person living with them, but fortunately, McGonagal was an animagus and spent the majority of her time as a cat curled up on the couch as an observer while Harry set the TV to watch educational muggle TV programs. Uncle Vernon had objected to the cat of course, but Harry explained that this was his new pet. Harry said that a wizard’s pet was his “familiar” as muggles knew them from fairy tales and as such, it had its own magical powers. Harry sternly warned them that the Dursleys shouldn’t try to interfere with it in any way for fear of instant reprisal. Accordingly, the Dursleys had distanced themselves from the cat as though it was a bubonic plague carrier and Harry and McGonagal were left alone to view the TV’s offerings.

A few weeks later, on Harry’s advice, Professor McGonagal had apparated to the Virgin Megastore near Piccadilly Circus in London and had chosen a number of DVDs to help illustrate muggle life back at Hogwarts. She scared the living daylights out of a group of teenagers who were browsing for music when she suddenly appeared out of thin air next to them. But thanks to Harry’s foresight and advice, she explained that her dramatic appearance and strange attire was part of Richard Branson’s promotion for the Nanny McPhee DVD, which seemed to placate the teenagers much to her relief. McGonagal then bumped into a man with a dog. He was wearing dark black sunglasses and held a handle that was attached to the dog. She asked the man where she could find muggle DVD’s for students but the man said that he didn’t know. The dog however, spoke to McGonagal in a tongue only understood by dogs and magic folk, and directed her to the right section. McGonagal also ended up confusing the cashier when she went to pay with gold galleons instead of British Pounds until she remembered the credit card that Harry had loaned her. McGonagal’s selection had included DVDs about music, sports, history and children’s education. For her own personal viewing, she also bought a DVD about a handsome chef called Jamie Oliver who apparently cooked food in the nude, but she was keeping that for her own entertainment after classes had ended.

Upon her return to Hogwarts, McGonagal shrewdly set up a Faraday cage around a specially adapted classroom. The cage was an electromagnetic barrier to outside interference and allowed her to operate a TV and DVD player without any problems, in order use audiovisual aides to help educate the students at Hogwarts about muggle existence.

And so it was that McGonagal now faced her peers and explained how these DVDs would help educate the young wizards and witches of Hogwarts. Snape, who showed antipathy if not downright hostility towards muggles at the best of times, picked up one of the offending DVDs and after reading the cover, threw it in disgust across the teacher’s table, startling Sybil Trelawney and causing her to choke and splutter as she accidentally breathed in the sip of coffee she was just having. Hagrid dutifully thumped her on the back, replacing her fear of gagging with a probable case of whiplash.

“What’s this rubbish, “Vegie Tales?” sneered Snape. “And what, pray tell, can a talking tomato and his cucumber friend enrich the students’ minds with when the majority of them can’t even brew a decent pot of tea let alone anything like an acceptable magic potion!”

“Severus, it’s a program which teaches young muggles about values and rules” replied McGonagal. “I thought that it would help understand a muggle’s mindset.”

“And AC/DC Live at Donnington ? This school student on the cover is clearly violating whatever uniform code his school has.” snapped Snape, pointing to the picture of a half naked Angus playing guitar wearing his school cap and baggy pants only. “What example is that supposed to set for our students?”

The debate raged on late into the evening, but eventually, McGonagal’s directions were firm, and the DVD’s were to be incorporated into the curriculum, AC/DC and Vegie Tales included.

Downstairs at approximately the same time, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny and several fellow Gryffindors were lounging around in the Gryffindor Common Room. Now that Fred and George, the incorrigible Weasley Twins, were no longer at Hogwarts, the sheer volume of pranks and general shenanigans at the school had diminished greatly, but not entirely however, as this meeting of minds would soon prove. The group had gathered to discuss Halloween and what trouble they could cause in celebration of this event. Ginny sat in a comfortable recliner, gently running her fingers through Harry’s hair. Harry was seated on the ground in front of the chair, enjoying Ginny’s ministrations. Ron and Hermione sat opposite them on a couch, separated by a comfortable distance after Ron had accidentally touched Hermione’s leg earlier during the discussion and caused a moment of extreme awkwardness for them both. Both had subtly retreated to the ends of the couch under the guise of a yawn and stretch, and a firm no go zone was in place between them. Seamus and Neville had flopped down on bean bags and Dean stood with his back to the fireplace, warming himself against the late October chill which had started to pervade the room.

“So what should we do for Halloween this year?” asked Ron, who had just started scratching his nose and studiously avoiding looking at Hermione next to him.

“There’s always a party” replied Harry, “but I think that we should add some spice to it. Hermione, you’re the brains of the outfit, what do you suggest?”

Hermione gave a quick glance over to Ron, who was still scratching away and wrinkling his nose like an overcurious puppy that had just been pecked by an annoyed chicken.

“Well,” she said, “I haven’t given it much thought this year, what with everything that happened last term. But I am interested in finding out what Filch is going to try this year.”

“Filch! That rotten old sod.” exclaimed Seamus. “What’s he got to do with anything?”

Hermione rolled her eyes in her usual exasperation when it was obvious that someone did not know something that they clearly should have known, at least in Hermione’s opinion. Of course, as Hermione was the top student at Hogwarts, she had learned a great deal that everyone else hadn’t and she often made the mistake of assuming that everyone else knew as much as her.

“Seamus, Halloween is the one time of the year that a squib can actually cast a spell. It’s the Sadie Hawkins Day of the magic world, where people born of wizarding parents, but whom usually can’t perform magic, get one chance to cast a spell. You see, it’s due to recessive genes, the confluence of magical auras and the abnormally high concentration of..…

“OK, OK, I get it” Seamus cut her off before the conversation could degenerate into an impromptu lecture, as a chat with Hermione often did.

“Yeah” said Dean, “Don’t you remember last year when Filch tried to do a Petrificus Totalus on Fred Weasley, but he ended up saying Pacificus Totalus, causing Fred to be extraordinarily calm and relaxed for an hour or so.”

“Yes, and the year before that when he tried to send a stunner at George but Filch tripped and ended up sending his own foot to sleep for the rest of the night. He limped around for hours” laughed Ginny.

“Come to think of it,” chimed in Harry, “Every year I’ve been here, Filch has gone after Fred and George with his one spell on Halloween. I wonder what he’ll do now that they’re gone” he asked.

“Go after you” suggested Ron, who was by now furiously scratching at his nose and making it look the same shade of red that serious alcoholics tend to develop. “After my big brothers, Filch probably hates you most of all.”

“Well, at least he’s not as sneaky as your sister Ronald” pronounced Hermione. “I think that Ginny has been practising her non-verbal spells on you.”

“What?” came the startled reply from Ron, who was now in danger of drawing blood from his itchy nose.

“Ha ha!” laughed Ginny. “It’s a new itchy nose hex I’ve been working on.” she replied, revealing her wand next to her in the seat of the recliner. She deftly pointed it at Ron and the irritation was instantly gone, only to be replaced by a sheepish look of embarrassment as his Gryffindor colleagues had a good laugh at his expense.

“I’ve an idea. How about we dress up for the Halloween party as awful muggle things?” suggested Harry.

“What do you mean?” came the chorused response.

“Well,” Harry said, “Muggles dress up at Halloween as things from the magical world that scare them. You know, ghosts, werewolves, vampires and the like.”

“Don’t let nearly headless Nick hear you say that. He prides himself on his congeniality and would be aghast at the mere mention of being considered a scary entity.” stated Hermione.

“And what’s wrong with werewolves?” asked Ron. “Lupin’s a great guy, although I take their point about someone like Greyback. He’s downright frightening if you ask me.”

Harry went on, “Maybe we could have fun and dress up like weird and scary muggle things. I could be fun!”

“What’s scary in the muggle world?” asked Neville.

“You obviously haven’t watched an episode of Jerry Springer” replied Harry with a grin on his face. “There’s lots to be scared of on that TV show. Let me explain what I have in mind….” and he lowered his voice in a conspiratorial manner to outline some suggestions for the party.

Finally, the day of the Halloween party arrived. The Gryffindor students had agreed to not watch each other prepare to get dressed up and to surprise each other with their entrance at the party, held in the great hall. Harry was one of the last to be ready, and he eventually made his way towards the grand doors of the great hall. At the entrance, an enchanted suit of armour stood and greeted each guest in turn as they arrived. It sometimes took the time to comment on the quality of some of the costumes before directing the partygoers inside. Harry said hello to the suit of armour who in response uttered “Yet another Gryffindor I take it.” If it had had eyes, it would have been rolling them back into its non-existent skull. Harry walked into the great hall, and immediately spotted his cohorts from Gryffindor. Whereas most of the students were dressed conventionally as ghosts or vampires, the small group of Gryffindor students stood out from the crowd by their unusual attire.

Ginny and Hermione gasped as they spied Harry, whilst Ron, Seamus and Neville simply burst out laughing. Harry was dressed in a shiny military suit jacket and a black fedora hat. His face was covered by a tied hankerchief and a shiny metallic glove twinkled on his left hand. In his right, Harry carried a masked baby doll hanging upside down by the legs.

“What the heck are you supposed to be?” laughed Ron.

“I’m Michael Jackson, woo hoo” replied Harry in a high pitched, almost feminine voice, as he moonwalked backwards. “Would you like to see me dangle my baby out of the window?"

Howls of laughter greeted this impression.

"And what are you Ron?” Harry laughed, his voice returning to normal.

Ron has dressed in a tattered tank top and shorts which were three sizes too large. He had applied an engorgio charm to his buttocks and stomach, both of which hung over the stretched elastic of the shorts. A toolbelt hung precariously under his bulging waistline.

“I’m a plumber” chortled Ron. “that’ll be 100 pounds for a call out fee to do the quote, but it'll take me a week to come back and fix it.”

“Arrggghhhh” winced Harry. “That’s horrible. And what about you Ginny ?”

Ginny had applied some discrete engorgio charms to her face as well as a touch of petrificus totalus here and there, giving her face a bloated and frozen look. Gaudy makeup was splashed liberally around her face, almost clownlike in its garishness. She wore a glittering strapless ballgown, from which her magically enhanced bust line threatened to burst out of, much to Harry’s interest.

“I’m a hollywood actress who has had too much plastic surgery!” she mumbled through engorged, frozen lips.

The response from her cohorts was a chorus of groans and fake vomiting sounds. Harry turned to Hermione and raised an eyebrow on his pasty white forehead.

“Listen to this” said Hermione, who was dressed in an old pair of tracksuit pants and a tattered T-shirt with “choose life” emblazoned across it. On her feet were a manky old pair of sheepskin ugg boots. She placed her wand against her throat and recited the incantation “scratchus sonorous”. She cleared her throat and started making a magically amplified noise, not entirely unlike a cat being dismembered by a chainsaw. At least that is what Harry though it was initially. until he listened to the words that Hermione was singing,

“And IIIIIIIIIIIIII….will alwaaaaaaaaays….love yoooooouuuuuuuuuu, and IIIIIIIIII, …….will always love YOUOOOOOOOUUUUU ohhhhhhh oohhhhhh” she wailed in a variety of musical keys.

The chandeliers rocked and dozens of students nearby clasped their hands over their ears. Whitney Houston would have been turning in her grave, if she was dead, Harry thought.

“I’m an American Idol contestant wannabee!” Hermione exclaimed. Cries of disgust and plenty of good natured ribbing greeted this pronouncement.

All eyes turned to Neville at last. He was dressed in a conservative suit and looked quite handsome, except for the gaudy stars and stripes patterned tie and the toy six shooter gun that he wore on his belt. He coughed to clear his throat, tapped his neck with his wand, made an incantation and spoke in an amazing impression of the current American President. He started to drawl in a Texan accent

“I consider Australia and New Zealand to be part of a new axis of evil. They have too many sheep, and therefore have weapons of grass destruction. Plus, Austria…….sorry, Australia, won nearly as many gold medals in the last Olympics as the USA did, and without any of the drugs that we secretly give our athletes….oh darn, I shouldn’t have said that. Anyhow, this kind of global threat can no longer be tolerated and as soon as we find those evil countries on the map, we’re invading.”

“Oohhhh, now that’s really scary” shuddered Harry. His friends all gathered around and congratulated each other on the horror and grossness of each others’ costumes. Deep into the evening, they stood around telling jokes and making fun of each other and generally enjoying the party atmosphere, until Hermione spied Filch walking through the door, muttering to himself. Hermione deftly detached herself from the group and positioned herself nearer to hear what Filch was saying. He was clearly focussed on practising the recitation of a spell and Hermione wanted to know what it was this year. To her deep amusement, she found out that it was a love spell.

“Oh how ghastly, who would Filch possibly want to cast that upon?” asked Ginny when Hermione returned and told everyone the news.

“It gets lonely in the janitor’s closet I guess. But I thought that he had a thing for his cat.” said Ron. “He’s obviously got his eye on someone else though, but who?”

The Gryffindor group kept a watchful eye on Filch, who stayed fairly close to the entranceway and monitored the arrival of each new guest. He was obviously laying in wait for a specific target and planted himself on a chair with a good view of the door.

About half an hour later, Filch suddenly bolted upright as Madam Hooch, looking delightful despite being dressed as a green goblin, entered the great hall to join the party. Filch spilled his glass of pumpkin juice in his lap as a result of his haste to get out of his seat and grab the wand he had been hiding inside his tattered old jacket. With trembling hands, Filch pointed the wand at the back of Madam Hooch and mumbled his love incantation.

At that moment, Madam Hooch was being greeted by the suit of armour. “Good evening to a beautiful maiden” intoned the suit of armour. Madam Hooch was taken aback and politely bowed in response, just in time to avoid being hit directly by Filch’s spell.

“Why thank you good sir” Madam Hooch responded, as the pink coloured spell streaked over her head, hit the suit of armour, and bounced back to hit her squarely on the rebound.

“Well, aren’t you a handsome suit of armour” Madam Hooch purred. She ran her hand across the armoured arm that was waving to the next guest. “So smooth, and firm. Tell me, do you work out much?”

The suit of armour majestically replied, “Your kindness fair maiden is only exceeded by your charm and beauty”

“Tell me big boy” Hooch responded in a husky voice, “How would you like me to buff and polish your shiny back for you ?”

And to Filch’s horror, a deeply in-love Madam Hooch took the suit of armour by the hand and led him outside the ballroom and into the night.

“Noooooooooo” wailed Filch, and he sat down heavily, his face buried in his hands.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Neville all burst out laughing and fell about in uncontrollable spasms of hysteria, much to the surprise of their fellow students who had missed what had just happened.

“Come on, let’s dance” shouted a recovering Hermione as the party took off and the volume of the dance music was cranked up. She took a surprised Ron by the hand and led him to the dance floor. Harry shrugged his shoulders, and clasped Ginny’s hand as they made their way to join their friends. It turned out to be one of the best Halloweens ever and the Gryffindors partied on late into the night.

Muah hah ha ha!!!!

Durro

P.S. Please feel free to leave comments or suggestions for this or any other of my EEFFD's. Thanks !