While Evlpez spent her days at Starbucks with Severus, Deputy headmistress McGonagall spent hers trying to find a replacement Potions professor. Pickings were slim and she started considering anyone who knew their way around a kitchen. She'd asked the rest of the staff to think of people who might be able to take the job.

There was a knock at the door.

"Come in," Minerva called out. Hagrid entered, tracking mud across the Persian rug on the floor.

"I rounded up everyone's suggestions, Per'fesser. I knew you'd want 'em righ' away."

"Thank you, Hagrid. Just leave them on the desk," she said, then conjured up a telephone.

"Will that work 'ere, Per'fesser?"

She'd have answered, except that Argus Filch burst into the room just then, panting.

"It's Peeves, Professor. He's done something dreadful. He's spiked the pumpkin juice and now all the students are sloshed and vomiting all over the great hall!"

"Better out than in, as I always say," muttered Hagrid. Minerva cast him a warning glance and he excused himself and went back to work.

"Poppy can handle it, Argus. Do call her down there and make sure she brings enough Elixer of Sobriety as she can. I'm too busy at the moment," Minerva said as she began browsing the stack of recommendations. Some of them were actual applications filled out by ordinary wizarding folk. Some she'd taught and would rather not hire and others were just terribly unsuited. One of the unsuitable applicants was a leprechaun who'd filled his resume out in rhyming couplets and naughty limericks.

Among the papers was a newspaper article about a muggle woman who worked magic in the kitchen. Minerva picked up the receiver of the telephone and waved her wand at it.

A week later, Hogwarts was abuzz with the news of a muggle guest professor coming to Hogwarts. Hermione was less than impressed, but the other Gryffindor girls were positively star-struck to be getting a chance to meet the queen of domesticity herself, Martha Stewart.

"That horse-faced old battle-axe can't teach potions. She's not even a proper witch! Not to mention she's an ex-convict!" She complained to anyone who bothered listening.

Minerva was at the grand entrance hall doors as carriages pulled up and Martha Stewart's entourage spilled out onto the cobblestone in front of the castle. Most of the crew couldn't even see Hogwarts, so they looked a bit like tourists wandering around with video and film cameras, while Martha Stewart looked around, smiling appreciatively at the landscape.

"Oh my word, what have I done?" Minerva asked herself, as she clutched the newspaper she had brought down from her office. It was a very old issue from somewhere in America. She should've taken the time to read it further before making calls, but was so anxious to find a teacher that she acted on instinct. Opening it up now, she saw a rather embarrassing photo of her new potions mistress trading cigarettes for coordinated napkin rings in a womens' prison.

"I think I'm going mad," Minerva whispered. Quickly, she closed the door, hoping they would all just go away.

The end, for now.

This was:

Durro's Inaugural Dare
* Someone thinks they're going mad
* A Muggle is invited to Hogwarts as a special guest. Explain the circumstances behind this.
* Hagrid must say "better out than in, as I always say"
* Peeves does something dreadful
* The following must be incorporated seamlessly into the story line -
1. An embarrassing photo of someone 2. a battleaxe 3. a leprechaun 4. A Persian rug