Unable to figure out exactly what the effect of the snarfle eggs plus innumerable other breakfast-y things could be, the other boys left Peter in the infirmary with a vague description of events to Madam Pillbox.

"I'm so glad that you care about me enough to check on my health," Peter whispered to Sirius and smiled a smile so cheesy it stank of Limburger.

"No problem, Wormtail," Remus grinned as James ruffled his hair. Peter ignored him and continued to smile at Sirius, who got quite frightened by gratitude and needed to leave the infirmary for some fresh air. James and Remus soon followed.

Outside, they found Sirius throwing Fizzing Whizbees at the Giant Squid, who really didn't like it and was trying to grab Sirius and shake him. Hard. Very hard.

James and Remus pulled him away from the lake, which would only lead to his doom if he continued to spend his time there. "What do you figure is wrong with Peter?" Sirius asked, looking a little guilty for the first time ever.

Neither knew what to say, so they were quite relieved when an owl suddenly appeared. In fact, they each suspected the other had somehow summoned the owl or accio'ed it... or something. The bird flew about Sirius's head, before finally settling in his hair and sticking out one leg.

"Erm... thanks, I guess," Sirius struggled to grab the note without tipping the owl off of his head. You know how cranky owls get when they are tipped off of your head...

The note read:

My dearest darlingest one -
My heart is so full... full only of you. You are every perfect thing to me. Your eyes are more perfect than a clear summer day. Your hair is more perfect than rich, crumbly black dirt that is completely free of any insects or earthworms. Your nose is more perfect than a golden tangerine brought by a house elf and handed to you on a little silver plate with a knife....

It continued on in this way for a LONG time... seven pages in fact. Finally, at the end was the signature.

Lovingly and adoringly and quite secretly, Your Secret Admirer

Sirius, being a generous friend and not quite that quick, actually read all seven pages out loud to his friends before realizing that he didn't really WANT to share this letter with them. It embarassed him. Meanwhile, the other two rolled around on the ground, cackling with glee.

"Stop... STOP!" he shouted, and they leaned against each other, panting for breath and occasionally giggling madly. "Who is this from?"

"Clearly your secret admirer," James said, ruffling his hair. "Who admires your perfection. Your perfect eyes. Your perfect hair. Your perfect nose..."

Remus laughed a bit and then said, "You know, that reminds me. Remember the last time Peter was sick? And we had Frilly deliver a tangerine to him to make him feel better? That sounds just like in the..."

They all looked at each other for a moment before Sirius took off running towards the castle. James and Remus were three steps behind him. Knowing he was much quicker, James shouted, "Go be with Peter!" and disappeared down the stairs towards the kitchens. When he arrived, he found Sirius shaking poor Frilly and demanding details about the tangerine that was delivered. She confirmed the details that matched the mushy, gushy love note Sirius now had crumpled in his hand.

Sirius screamed, and James recognized the look of murderous rage on his face. So, he tackled him. "Quick!" he shouted at Frilly, who looked like she now suffered from shaken baby syndrome. "Sit on him." Frilly complied, sitting right on Sirius's head. He growled and started to get up. "Everyone sit on him."

Dozens of house elves poured into the room and tried to sit on Sirius, pushing each other out of the way for a better seat. Soon, there was a stack of house elves four high all perched on Sirius. He continued to growl.

James took off up the stairs, ruffling his hair as he went. He skidded into the infirmary, followed by a very offended Madam Pillbox who wanted him to "go back and walk this time." He ignored her.

"Has it been here?" he gasped for breath and checked Peter, who looked normal, if a bit glassy-eyed.

"What? Has what been here?" Remus looked confused.

"The SlashMonster! Zymurgy made this monster that hits people... and Peter is sending notes to Sirius and... we have to guard him."

"This doesn't count. It's a love spell induced by weird snarfle eggs and pumpkin juice that will end in about three minutes anyway. It'll be fine." Remus relaxed back into his chair, Peter continued to stare at the wall with glassy eyes, and James ruffled his hair.

"How long have you been Mr. I-know-everything-and-should-change-my-name-to-Dumbledore?"

"I don't know. Like 10 minutes maybe. Since Madam Pillbox and I had a conversation and she told me pretty much all that. I guess we're just waiting on a house elf to bring up some ingredients from the dungeons."

"A house elf?" James groaned. "We may have to wait a while."