Bedpans and Pinapples and Snape, Oh my!

“Hagrid” Dumbledore called, banging on the door to Hagrid’s hut and hopping from one foot to the other. Dumbledore was secretly hoping Hagrid had a spare bed pan in his hut, as all the ones in the school had been eaten by a rouge band of fighting Pineapples, and due to his irrational fear of toilets, was holding on in search of an antique bed pan. (And if you think about it, Hagrid should have one seeing as it is a loooooooooong way from his hut to the castle if you’re busting to go – which is probably too much information) Dumbledore also had another purpose for wanting to visit everyone’s favourite gamekeeper in the middle of the night. Dumbledore was in love with Hagrid, although he had a nagging suspicion that Snape had slipped some love potion into his evening pumpkin juice as revenge for the time he stood on Snape’s robes and sent him falling into a gaggle of Hufflepuff first years. Dumbledore had a song and dance routine all planned out, but it all depended on the availability of a bed pan.



The door opened. Hagrid peered out, looking half asleep. It was 6am after all.

“Why Hello professor Dumbledore, what’s up?”

“Do you have a bedpan?” Dumbledore said, hopping on one foot.

“Um, no sorry professor” Hagrid said.

“Oh well, here goes… You light up my life, you make me complete, will you be my hunnybunch?” Dumbledore sang with accompanying dance routine.

Hagrid stood there with a bemused expression. Not sure how to let the headmaster down gently, he simply said:

“No offence sir, but I’d rather date a ticking time bomb”

Dumbledore, heartbroken and now even more desperate to use the bathroom, ran off into the castle.



Later that day in potions class:

Snape was irritated, far more than usual. He was having trouble keeping the classes attention, mostly due to the fact that Malfoy was yelling at the top of his lungs every 10 seconds “Finkel’s Butt ointment rids you of haemorroids likety-split!”. Reminding himself he wasn’t supposed to use magic on the students, Snape strode over to Malfoy, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and went to chuck him out the door.

“Professor, are haemorroids making you lethargic and grumpy? Finkels…”

He couldn’t finish his sentence as Snape had ejected him from the classroom. Relieved that the noise had gone, he turned back to return to the front of the classroom.



He jumped.



Standing behind his desk, in broad daylight for all the students to see, was Lord Voldemort. Except he looked different, he was wearing orange robes and his face was oddly twisted, as though he was trying to smile.



“Hello Severus” he said calmly. Snape started to panic.

“What brings you here, Lord? Surely if you wished to speak with me you would have chosen a more appropriate time?” he said, glancing about nervously at the students.

“I have wonderful news Severus. News I could not wait to share with the world. I have renounced evil and have discovered the mystical power and joy that comes from most ancient Buddhism”

“Uh right. Excellent. So, why are you here?”

“Well, my main reason was to apologize to Dumbledore for all the trouble I’ve caused over the years. But then there was this other thing I was supposed to do…” Voldemort reached behind his back and drew out a small plant. The plant sprouted legs and started pacing back and forth on Voldemort’s palm.

“My friend Herbie here wishes to be sorted. Can you make his wish come true?”

Snape looked at Herbie. Not wanting that thing in his own house, and worried that the sorting hat if asked would place it in Slytherin, made a quick decision.

“Sure. It can be in Gryffindor. There’s an empty spot at that table” Snape said, pointing at a table where Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting. Voldemort placed Herbie at the table.

“Now, lets go and see Dumbledore. That thing will be in safe hands with these three”. Snape led Voldemort out of the room, heading for Dumbledore’s office. Harry, Ron and Hermione, enamoured with their new friend, took him to the Gryffindor Common Room.