Unintitled
{has been edited for language, if you want the original, email me.}

What did I do to deserve this pain,
Maybe I’m lucky to some,
But to me it hurts.

My friends don’t see it,
I would never let them.

The pain I go through every day,
As I perfecting my happy face.

I feel like I copy them,
In all the things I do.

But I’m just trying to make them,
Believe I’m like you do.

That I’m a happy-go-lucky,
Little b****y-s**t.

But they’ll never know,
My pain.

Sure they have pain all of their own,
Like losing boy-friends,
Or parents splitting up.

But I’ve lived with it all my life,
And yet they think their pain is worse.

The nerve, I can’t think strait,
I’m losing control.

They turn to a knife,
I turn to a keyboard.

Their hurts are resent,
Mine are ancient,
But the pain they cause me is probably is the same, if not more.

I worry for them and their safety,
But at the same time I wanna scream at them,
For their stupidity.

I’d never tell them ‘cause they’re my friends,
And I will always put their problems over mine.

I will never show my weakness,
My fear of them going away.

They can never know,
I won’t let them,
No matter what.

They have enough to worry about,
Without my sanity on their minds.

The only time I will talk of it,
Is here in the safety of my room.

Where I sit on my bed typing my ongoing story,
Onto a computer not hooked up to anything else,
And guarded by my password.

My worry for them is greater,
Then my worry for myself.

Never tell them,
But never forget.

Cause, I fear, that if I do,
I let it slip, subconsiously.

Always constantly on my guard,
Cause my self preservation may kick in,
Making me tell.

My sleep haunted by nightmares,
I pretend they’re funny dreams.

Never let them know,
And I’ll be fine.

When I stay near them,
Like at the sleepovers of my carefree childhood,
I wake up in the middle of the night.

Just barely holding back a scream,
It’s always deep inside of me.

Like the raging river,
That I saw in the mountians of Salt Lake City,
I fear it will sweep me away.

When I wake up in the night,
And see them around me,
I know I must keep quiet.

Cause once again,
If they found out,
It’d never be the same.

I try to think I have it good,
I’m alive after all,
But my mind seems to wander.

It’s like I have no control,
I just wanna scream,
Again and again.

I wanna jump, I wanna stomp,
I wanna scream at the sky,
Till it falls on me.

The pain, it’s still inside of me.
From my childhood of past.

Being only 14, I know I’m still a kid,
But I’ve been through more than a lot,
Of the children at our school.

Being old enough, I know,
I have it good, compared to others,
But I’m not others, I’m me.

And to me, I don’t have it good,
In fact my life is crap,
With my friends, that I don’t even know if they’re mine.

I feel terrible, like I wanna die inside,
Maybe it’s a phase,
And tommorrow I’ll be perky.

That godforsaken word,
All I want to do is hit something…





…hard.