The Occurrence




“Zymurgy is our queen!”

“Now, as I was saying, it-“

“Zymurgy is our queen!”

“Yes, Miss Granger, we und-“

“Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!”

“You, Virginia! Could you please restrain your mother!” Steven Kloves (Stevey) didn’t ask, he ordered. Ginny stared in disbelief that this man could make so many vital mistakes in two sentences.

“Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Queen queen queen!”

“No, no, this won’t do at all! This simply won’t fit into the movie. Cut!” he picked up a pair of scissors from Neville’s pencil case and brandished them in the air for emphasis. This, of course, unintentionally, brought attention to his exceedingly large toenails. It seemed he was the only one in the room who hadn’t noticed…

Of course, Ginny was too polite to stare like a fizgig, so she carefully moved Hermione into one of the more secluded broom closets, where Steven Kloves wouldn’t have the opportunity to cut her out altogether.

“Yes, well, finally she’s gone. Phew!” Stevey let out a long-suffering sigh. “Now, I’ve had to cut out your headmaster, uh, what was it you called him? Bumbydore? Well, I’m sorry, but he just doesn’t seem to fit into my story in the movie, so I’m glad to introduce your new headmaster, Zumurgy!” he waited for applause, but other than the occasional “Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen! Zymurgy is our queen!”, none came, so he continued. “I’ve found that she’s a little more… how can I put this nicely… er, evil.” And this was when he was smote, for nobody who is anybody calls the Zymurgy “er evil”.

After a little bit of staring, and some more chanting from Hermione, she was released from her cupboard, and the population of the Gryffindor common room crowded around to get a closer look at Stevey. They mildly pondered on how he had managed to get into the room in the first place.

Neville acquired a gleam in his left eye, and shouted victoriously before anyone could steal his shine, “EUREKA! I have found the meaning of life!”

But, of course, anyone could tell you that Stevey lying smoten on the plushy carpet was, in fact, not the meaning of life, as Neville had proclaimed, so rather than having to deal with his insecurity, we simply ignored him and pay attention to the other 6th years trudging outside to meet Hagrid. Just because Gryffindors are cool like that, and they frequently visit their teachers in packs. Neville followed slowly after, head in the clouds and feet in his slippers.

However, when they reached Hagrid’s cabin, it was not the usual drunk man with toenails even bigger than Stevey’s who greeted them, but Hagrid; Jump-Rope-er Extraordinaire, as his badge read.

Indeed, he was to be found with a 7-metre long jump-rope in his hands, and a sweatband circling his head, doing his very best to lift both feet at the same time. You and I both know, that if we’ve never been able to jump rope in our lives, and are suddenly forced to by someone like Luna Lovegood, things can start to get a little nasty. For example, your very own author has been trained to jump in a particular way, (which is more like skipping, if I may say so myself) and when recently she was told that this way of jumping was simply not permitted in her school, she was, understandably, quite aghast, and at a loss of proper jumping technique.

The same thing was happening to poor Hagrid. He had always jumped, as a child, by fastening double-sided scotch tape to his hair, and connecting it with the ceiling, and then simply lifting his feet. This, it turns out, is not allowed in the world of jump-rope. As some of you may be aware, this particular extreme sport cannot be completed when one is adjoined with the ceiling (besides, they were outside at the time), so this particular technique was ruled out altogether. Hagrid was left to learn all over again.

“Hagrid!” Harry, being at the head of the flock, greeted him.

As they neared their teacher, it became apparent to Harry (one can hardly expect his distance vision to be perfect given that he had been wearing the same glasses for as long as anyone who’s anyone can remember) that the man standing next to Luna Lovegood (she was wearing a badge that read, “Hi! I’m Bob”, for reasons your author daren’t even divulge) attempting to lift both feet without, well, moving them, was not his usual self. And to put this bluntly, we mean to say that Hagrid had dyed his hair orange.

Before Harry could say anything polite about his friend’s new ‘do, Seamus walked up to Hagrid, promptly covered his nose, and donned an expression to rival those of Malfoy’s mother.

“Hagrid!” Seamus gasped. “you… have new-” – he stopped here run 10 metres away, take a deep breath, and then return to his place – “perfume?”

As others neared Hagrid, they noticed it too. He did seem to have a strange scent. Not of the pleasant variety.

Hagrid looked aghast at the very proposition. “No! I do NOT smell!” Here he paused his skipping attempts, and directed his vision at Luna, who had been until now, ignored by the Gryffindors.

Luna looked around at the crowd. She then pulled out a green stapler from her pocket, and started to speak, more to herself than to anyone else. “Well…” she muttered, “I know father told me to use this only in emergencies, but I believe it is required at this time. It is for my own protection. Besides, all fruit bats use staplers.” And at that, Luna proceeded to approach the Gryffindors one-by-one and staple their noses together. They were so shocked, in a state of disbelief, no doubt, that they didn’t even protest or move in the slightest. She then exited the scene most elegantly (with a classic throwing of glitter, and a conveniently-placed fake shrub, which she hid behind, slowly moving it towards the castle, and hoping not to be seen), and the Gryffindors, plus Hagrid, were left speechless. (At this point in time, Stevey appeared in the sky, and announced that the afore-described exit would be “simply too expensive” for the movie version, but he isn’t important enough to be allowed out of this parenthesis.)

Hagrid, currently being the only one with fully-equipped voice organs, felt that it was his duty to do something about the speechless state. He was quite sure that, had they stood staring at each others’ noses for too long, Stevey would appear again and decide that the sequence was simply too long and non-eventful for the movie.

“So…” he said, trying to make conversation. “Is this the meaning of life?”

Seamus stepped forward again, and spoke up, his voice sounding as distorted as his nose looked, “No! Bow give be your gloves, I’b going to teach you the real way to do tubbleturgs.”

Of course, Hagrid was too polite to mention that he was, in actual fact, not learning tumbleturns today, but on the contrary, was glad of an excuse to drop the skipping rope, remove his rubber gloves, and pocket his badge.

Everyone watched as Seamus got down on his knees, put on the gloves, steadied himself on the ground with his hands, and tucked his head into his shirt. They watched. Then watched some more. There’s only so much standing around quietly that a girl is capable of in the span of an hour or so, and Lavender had reached that limit. She kneeled down next to Seamus, and began poking him with the discarded skipping rope.

“Have you forgotten how?” She asked, rather bluntly.

Seamus detached his head from his shirt, looked up and slowly nodded. But just at that minute, it seemed, to save him from more shame; Dobby came galloping down to the gathering, closely followed by Winky. Winky looked very pale, but nobody noticed.

“Mr Potter! Thank Master I’ve found you! You will never believe what is happened!” Dobby took a breath, and opened his mouth to tell of the disastrous news…



Plum and Plum’s perfect wizarding plumbing loos are glad to present our intermission for today’s journey. Please mind the yellow violin on your way to the snack bar, or enjoy our half-time entertainment.

Neville jumped onto a stage that had been placed in front of the action for his convenience, and started to sing (after he had proclaimed himself a “pretty, pretty girl”, donned a witch costume, and erected a sign next to the stage declaring that he was the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Ozz.)

“Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away! On my way to where the air is sweeeeet! Can you tell me how to get, how to get to-”



Neville was cut off mid-song by mere fear of the plot monster. The plot monster is a vicious, self-centred monster, which cares only for plots, and dispels any obstacle that blocks them. He is large, purple, and hairy, and goes by the alias of a 'Carnivorous African Tundra Tree', or so Hagrid explained as he folded up the stage, and put Neville back into his place. It turned out Hagrid had been cultivating these monsters for some time, so he simply could not afford to let Neville massacre the story while he had a herd of adolescent Carnivorous African Tundra Trees just waiting for an opportunity to strike.

Ron was just at the candy bar ordering his refreshments, (“I’ll have a glass of milk. On the rocks.”) when Hagrid picked him up too, and returned him to his previous spot. Many complaints by Ron.

Neville raised his hand, and asked tentatively, “is that the meaning of life, Mr Hagrid?”

Everyone stared at him, but instead of answering him, they all became unusually interested in Dobby’s crisis. It was plain to see that plot monsters were not, in fact, the meaning of life, and neither was milk.

“Mr Potter, our worst fears have come true! We have run out of BANANAS!” Dobby was highly shaken, so did what any normal house elf does when in crisis, he picked up Hagrid’s skipping rope, and skipped.

This made the Gryffindors uneasy, so instead of worrying over his insecurities, they turned to Winky.

“Is this true?”

“Yes,” Winky replied solemnly, with a hint of panic in her voice (rather more so than the occasion called for, Harry felt.), “we have no bananas.” She then burst into tears and clutched her heart. She seemed to be becoming weaker by the minute, but nobody knew why, so they simply turned back to Dobby, unsure which elf to ignore.

Dobby had started skipping, but he wasn’t doing a very good job of it. Indeed, without Luna as a guide, and with such a long rope, it was only a matter of time before he fell to the ground with a small squeak which was drowned out by a wail from Winky.

Dobby had gotten athlete’s foot, but nobody cared. All they were concerned about now was why a bananaless Hogwarts was such a dilemma, and Dobby was just the elf to explain. “You see,” Dobby began, trying (and failing) not to wince at the pain of his foot, “Winky is now without food. She only will eat bananas, and without them, she will”- here he took a breath and braced himself – “DIE!”

It seemed they were too late. While the Gryffindors took a collective gasp and stared in shock (some of them didn’t even know who Winky was, but they would be quite despaired if they had no breakfast the next morning.), Winky slowly but surely stopped breathing.

This time Dobby was the one to let out a wail of despair, and silently carried her body back up to the castle, sobbing all the way. One may describe him as heartbroken, but it was hard to tell.

Neville opened his mouth, and started to ask his question, “Bananas. Is this the meaning of-”

“No, Neville. That’s the meaning of death.” said Seamus, who was where your author left him, on the ground, and posed for a tumbleturn.

At that moment, just as the group mourned together, and couldn’t think of anything worse that could happen that day other than having their noses stapled, Seamus forgetting how to tumbleturn, Neville singing, Dobby getting athlete’s foot, running out of bananas, and Winky dieing, something did. This something came under the category of Severus Snape. “.won em ot revo mih dnaH .yrraH erutrot ot ekil I dna ,live ma I”

Nobody dared disobey, so they pushed Harry forwards, and surrendered him to Snape. Harry looked around desperately at his friends, too shocked for confusion at the strange course of events. “So you’re just going to give me away to the potions teacher because he’s evil?” he asked tiredly. “I have not energy to fight for myself; I’ve been studying all night!”

But, as they had become accustomed to, the remaining Gryffindors, instead of hearing his pleas, they turned around, and began a collective, guilty whistle.

Harry was on his own now. He scanned the backdrop, blowing slightly in the wind (Stevey had insisted on them living with backdrops, because he felt that it saved time converting things for the movie version) and suddenly a though struck him. He felt in his pocked, and to his joy, found that they were still there. The batteries! As discretely as possible, he popped the pair of AAA batteries into his mouth. They would grant him energy!

He chewed. Perhaps this was his big mistake. Needless to say, he fainted then and there. It is too much to describe the taste of those batteries, so we’ll just focus on the fact that Harry had fainted, and fallen onto Snape’s discarded cupcake, and it attached itself to his head.

However, Harry did not have much of a chance to rest after such an ordeal. Snape had only just announced (regretfully) to the Gryffindors that professors Flitwick and McGonagall were getting married, and their presence was required, when Harry woke up. It wasn’t intentional. A partridge from a nearby pear tree flew down and sat on his stapled nose, pecking him viciously. He had no choice but to unfaint.

Snape was just about to return to the wedding when Seamus spoke up. “Professor? Will you teach me to tumbleturn? I seem to have forgotten how.”

He didn’t really have a choice. He was a teacher, after all. So after shooing the rest off to the wedding, he taught. Seamus learned.