Free Association.
(Part I)




"What's the meaning of life?"

Harry: "I don't know, Neville. Friends and love and family?"

Hermione: "Don't be silly, Harry. It's Zymurgy. Zymurgy is our Queen."

Harry: "Well... that makes sense. I see how all goodness in this word can be reduced to Queen Zymurgy."

Hermione: "Blasphemy I hear!" *points* "You shall shut up before disgracing the name of our fair Queen Zymurgy, you stranger with the stuck-up cupcake!" *strikes pose* "For Zymurgy is our Queen. Don't you forget! Zymurgy is our Queen."

(The Table lapsed into silence.)

Ron: "That reminds me to ask. Why is there a cupcake in the side of your face, Harry, mate?"

Harry: "Because, Ron, I awoken this morning with this" - *points cupcake* - "stuck there" - *referring to the side of his head* - "this fine, fine morning" - *is behind redundant*

Ron: *frown* "Why did you awake with a cupcake stuck to the side of your head?"

Hermione: "Who did?"

Ron: "Harry did. That's what we are talking about."

Dean: *recently attentive to the conversation* "Harry did what?"

Ron: "Awoke with a cupcake stuck to the side of his head."

Ginny: "He did really?"

Harry: "Does everyone must know!" *angry* "Has my life got to be public like Hufflepuffs Changing Rooms?"

Ginny: "But did he? Did you?"

Ron: "Yes, he did. Now bugger off, Ginny, or I will privatize you again."

(Dean looks questioningly at his girlfriend)

Ginny: "Org called Sister-For-Rent. We needed the money and mum refused to cook."

Ron: "And I know they were looking for extras in the Power-Hufflepuff girls show!"

(Scary, inconsequential silence.)

Ron: "So anyway, why did you?"

Harry: "Did what?"

Ron: "Awake with a cupcake stuck to the side of your head!"

Harry: "Oh. Not sure. It was there without no reasonable explanation."

Seamus: "You know, Harry, I think I know what your cupcake is! It's wizarding acne. Only and since your skin is made of sugar it turned magically into a cupcake!"

(General reaction--> 0.0)

Ginny: "E-eurgh!"

Hermione: "That's pure science."

Ron: "And how do you know Harry's skin is made of sugar...?"

Seamus: *licks own lips*

Ron: *0.0 indeed*

Dean: "So, wait, does this mean that if you tried to pierce that cupcake... it would be full of --"

Ginny: "E-eurght! And double e-eurght!"

Hermione: "That has to be the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. And I have heard Ron eat and Britney Spears sing, which sound practically the same."

Harry: *roll eyes* "Tell me about it. I CAN'T have acne! I'm a pretty, pretty girl!"

Ron: *back-pat* "Uh, sorry mate."

Harry: *puts head on hands*

Ron: "Mh, Harry?"

Harry: "Yes?"

Ron: "Are you doing to eat your cupcake?"

Harry: "No, Ron, I am saving it for Snape."

(Meanwhile, in another part of the castle...)

"What's the meaning of life?"

"Eating, Headmaster?"

(That was Snape, nonplused, reading an advertising on Plum and Plum's Perfect Wizarding Plumbing and Loos, over and over again to figure out if there was something inside that flying loo...)

Dumbledore: "Exactly, a brilliant deduction, Professor Snape. (Snape: "Hurray!") And that's why we are having this food contest. To grace the ritual that is eating like mad people. Do you understand now, Professor Flitwick?"

Flitwick: "Ah, yes, yes. It all comes clear to me now, Headmaster! My, now, what should I wear? Such a glorious event!"

Dumbledore: "Something loose, my dear friend... Like Sybil's panties."

Flitwick: "Oh, yes, yes! I should ask her some one spare of them!" *over enthusiastically (Dumbledore's eye twitch) * "Oh I can't believe I'm participating on this! I have never eaten anything but dwarf food! Bless the day mother left me!"

Dumbledore: "Indeed, Filius, indeed. Now pass the salad."

(Groan from Dobby the House Elf who was handing in the food chart with an obvious limp. A duck is playing a yellow violin in the background for dramatic effect.)

Snape: "What's with you little fellow?" *looking at Dobby curiously* "Santa didn't give you any present?" *pout* "Happened to me too..."

(While) Flitwick: "- see, Mother wouldn't let me eat anything but what she prepared! He still thought I was a small boy, on my heights. I spent 1/4 of my life trying to let us know nor me or my father were nevergrowing boys. Peter Pan fan, my mother..."

Dumbledore: “Er…”

(Yet) Dobby: "Dobby is having funny walking because Dobby is having Athlete's foot."

(Oink!) Flitwick: "And now, Headmaster, now I see all clear! Food rules and therefore life must be spent -" *makes a pause to take pleasure of a spoonful of whipped cream - "for... eating."

(Flitwick gasps for breath, overwhelmed by the sensation, with teary puppy eyes.)

Dobby: "Dobby's Alethe's foot is contagious and Winky is got Alethe's foot too. And she sobs so much she dies of sorrow and become a Hogwarts ghost!" *annoyed*

Flitwick: *eyes water of emotion* "Is this possibly true, this flavor, this beauty. Could you make poetry out of this heaven I feel - oh hunger, you were never a friend. How was a deprived of this exhilarating taste that you call obsessive eating! Could this be, the work of a simple creature, was - was this possibly cooked by a house elf?"

Dobby: "So Dobby is not wearing socks no more, I tell Harry Potter, and Dobby swears off socks forever more!

Flitwick: "I know there're rules about mixing of species but -" *turns to Dobby* "Marry me!"

(But Dobby had thrown two smelly socks on Snape's face and marched away with limp. To which the smelly socks developed a mouth and said "I do NOT smell!". Turning, Flitwick met not Dobby but McGonagall's person.)

McGongall: ". . ."

Flitwick: "Ah - ah - ah, nononononono --"

McGonagall: "Oh, yes! YES! I will marry you, my beautiful little nevergrowing cutepie charm of my life! I will love you and feed you and keep you to love you forever more!"

(Ribs breaking hug, on Flitwick. Flitwick reaction resumed to --> 0¬0 )

McGonagall: *still hugging on Flitwick* "Oh, Dumbledore, please help us in this union, as you have the power!"

Flitwick: "But, dear Minerva, I'm not your type really -"

Snape: "And he is kinda small..."

Flitwick: "HEY!" *cough* "Small but... ehem, anyway."

Popfrey: "Yeah, remember the 'L' rule."

(Flitwick reaction resumed to --> 0¬0 )

McGonagall: *whispered* Dumbledore, move on! I'm reaching my 70 and I find no husband, much less one with a recently acquired fortune, could you help me here?"

Dumbledore: *eating*

McGonagall: "Dumbledore!"

Dumbledore: *chokes* "OK! OK! You are abusing of my generous soul."

(Dumbledore does weird magic pace with her hand.)

Dumbledore: "There. It is made." *shrugs as in 'pooh pooh sorry for you' at Flitwick*

(Flitwick reaction resumed to --> 0¬0 )

McGonagall: *hugs on Flitwick, tightly*

(Flitwick reaction resumed to --> 0¬0 )

McGonagall: *purrs*

(Staff Table general reaction resumed to --> 0¬0 )

McGonagall: "Well? What are you waiting for, Dumbledore? Don't you want to make the announcement?"

(And so, just after the School Song, which Dumbledore had changed for the Sesame Street's, the Headmaster stood to say something.)

Dumbledore: "My first announcement is that I shall for now on be called on my wish and command, Headmistress instead of Headmaster. And second, while I'm getting myself a sex-change operation and being chaperon in this two's honey moon, Miss Zymurgy will replace me in my position until further notice and abide each and every of her incoherent ruling and senseless desires."

(Dumbledore whistles and calls for a flying needle to carry the three of them. They disappear in a puff of smoke anyway.)

Zymurgy: "Thanks headmaster, and my first ruling is that you shall chant "Zymurgy is our Queen", only not you all, just Hermione for I'm her muse."

Hermione: *abides* "Zymurgy is our Queen" *bows*

Zymurgy: "Indeed. And while evil, evil Zymurgy replaces Dumbledore as Headmistress, I, Zymurgy, command that we shall now give Hogwarts a more evil, evil medieval-like look. We shall have princesses locked in towers and dragons to custody thy underwear’s. Deal.”

(And that shall be, since all the castle was re-painted, decorated and give the place the correct atmosphere to look like that of King Arthur's court. Plus Harry was forced into a knight amour, with a battle helmet over his cupcake. But back to the general reaction…)

(General reaction --> )

(HA! You weren't expecting that one, did you? *is evil*)

Steve Kloves: "That will be cut from the movie on your fanfiction" *takes note of it in his notepad*

(Then coming out from the Great Hall...)

Ron: "Eurgh. I don't WANNA know what those two are doing after their wedding day."

Harry: "You mean their Honey Moon?"

Ron: "There's NOTHING resembling honey about that day... that I want to think about."

Hermione: "Why all conversations return at some point or another to food?!"

(Unimportant silence.)

Hermione: "I'm hungry again. Wonders if there's any strawberries left..."

Dean: "There aren't."

Hermione: *stopped in her way to the kitchens* "Wha - why not?"

Dean: *miserably* "Zymurgy took them all away. And took Ginny too."

Harry: *frown* "Why?"

Dean: "Remember the part about princess to be rescued part? Well, seems that by all HP/GW shippers it's been established that Ginny is the lady in distress to be considered a Canterbury Tales princess of some sorts. And Ron sold her."

Ron: *shrug* "Don't look at me that way. She was going to be taken away anyways. Seemed like a good opportunity to bargain. Anyways."

Hermione: "I'm HUNGRY!" *glares* "I want STRAWBERRIES! Does nobody care about the happiness of a young girl at the growing of her flowering youth?"

(Intense silence.)

Hermione: "Sad destiny! Sour Younth!"

Seamus: *randomly* "I know of somebody's hairs that taste of strawberry."

Ron: "Wait, and let me guess. That's Neville's eyeballs and Dean here tastes of mint."

Seamus: "No, actually. Malfoy's tastes of strawberry."

Ron: *eyes closed tight* "And you know this because..."

Seamus: *licks lips*

Ron: "Oh that just gross, mate! You know Malfoy doesn't even wash his hair!"

Dean: *sigh* "I thought I had told you to stop licking our faces while we're asleep, Seamus."

Hermione: *sniff* "I want strawberries..."

Dean: "You know, there's this possibility..."

(Scene fades to the Hogwarts Play Grounds outside)

"Yes, what can we do for you?"

(In front of a hanging sign saying 'Longbottom and Lovegood's Fruits and Fretting!')

Harry: 0.0 "Didn't know you both raised fruit fields together."

(Somebody in the background sings "Strawberry fields forever!" with weird, wee circus midget voice.)

Neville: "Well, my Mimbulus Mimbletonia died from over-spitting of smelly substance so I'm growing Carnivorous African Tundra Tree now. What’s incredible about this tree is all about it. Synonyms are 'corrosive thing from the underword', 'acuariountus magnanimous' and 'Mama mia!'. A tree growing 50 to 100 feet, erect stem over 3 feet in diameter. Bark smooth and greyish. Leaves alternate, unequally pinnate, leaflets opposite, oblong, acuminate, and unequal at the base. It's like Venus Flytrap; it spits corrosive juices and mutates all over the place. It tried to eat Collin Creevey though its Yellowish, Giant main flower. I love it, with all my heart. The string down there is like the tongue. If you get to extract the juice from inside, it’s heaven. Since Luna already had a mix cabbage of fruit I didn't want to look unoriginal, so we started our own monopoly - Woot! Look! I found a partridge in a pear tree!"

(Neville shows everybody his discovery. To nobody's interest, the poor child.)

Ron: "Well, eh, and where's Luna?"

Neville: *points* "Right there. She's been trying all day to teach Hagrid to jump rope."

Luna: *singing* "I'm the Queen of the Peas,
You shall see, I'm wee,
I drop a snotty and I lean
To feed the giant Giant Squib
I spilled my beans on my knees
Ruined my favorite jeans
And had a very weird dream
With Harry, Draco and whipped cream~"

Harry: *cough* "I'm a pretty, pretty girl!"

Luna: *responds to the call* "How are you, Harry?"

(Hagrid gets tangled by the ropes, trips and falls into the lake, to the Giant Squid who feeds of him for mocking it in the song. Dean falls after him to his aid but then remembers he cannot swim. Hagrid lies forgotten and eaten.)

Hermione: "Hi, Luna! We were surprised to hear about your field and -"

Luna: *excitedly* "Yes, I have found my true profession in fruits. And we match alright, like meant to be. They are part of me because I'm a fruit bat."

Harry: "Fruit... bat?"

Luna: "Yeah! See? I see each time less, I have a very good ear and I have the capacity of knowing when a wall is before me only by screaming a it! Look -"

Harry: "NO!"

Hermione: "No, that would be OK, Luna, we believe you are a fruit bat."

Ron: "*CoughFruitcaseyoumeancough*"

Luna: *nods fevently*

Hermione: "We were wondering if you had any strawberries that you can give us -"

Ron: "Yeah, and some bananas!"

Harry: *frown* "Wait. Why bananas?"

Ron: *pout* "I like bananas!"

Luna: "I have strawberries but no bananas, and you can borrow them but you will have to return them to me later."

General state --> 0.0

Harry: "Return as in -"

Ron: "Sure! Sure, Luna." *cough*

Luna: *nods* "I will give them to you in exchange of something you give me as deposit. Has to be something you really appreciate. Something you love deeply..."

(Five minutes later Ginny was rented as momentary sister to Luna. In the background, a couple of Ravenclaws are sailing in the lake, with a giant toenail as boat -- Dobby's foot swell from infection, per see.)

Ron: *giving Ginny away who magically appeared back from princess tower* "Pleasure making business with you, Lovegood."

Luna: *smiles flirty* "Pleasure is all mine~"

Harry: "Dear Merlin..."

Hermione: "Well, he did get us the strawberries, right?" *shurg, calls* "Come on, Ron!"

Ron: "I'm right with you - Luna, are you sure you have no bananas?"

Luna: "Yes, we have no bananas."

Ron: "Bugger."

(They leave.)

Steve Kloves: "That will be cut from the movie on your fanfiction" *crosses out scene*

Neville: "You know what would be really weird? That the story ended right you, you know? It will feel so inconclusive."

~*~

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Voice: "Call now and you get for free a Part Time sister rented! In this week special, Ginny Weasley."