(Meanwhile, in the kitchens…)

Colin ran down the corridor leading to the kitchen, stopping in front of the picture of a partridge in a pear tree. Tickling the partridge, the door swung open and a big cloud of steam whooshed into the corridor.

Colin entered to see Professor Snape sitting in a pile of spaghetti in the middle of the floor, a dumb look on his face. Closer inspection revealed that he was wearing a name badge that said 'Hi, I'm Bob!'.

“What are you doing professor?”

“ ummm well lovely Zy commanded me to makes her lunch in bed, so I came here to get Elves to make it, but they not here, they go bye-bye. So I make lunch myself, spaghetti and meatcubes. You think Zy mind if we eat off floor?”

“She probably would mind. I wonder where the house elves have got to? Who’s going to cook for the wedding if they’re not here? Lotus is already making the flowers, Cass is performing the ceremony, and Zy is far too busy being headmistress-y” Colin started looking in cupboards for signs of the house elves. Snape started playing with the spaghetti.

In one cupboard Colin found Winky, dead. Looking her over, he decided she must have died from iamsuchabadhouseelffordesertingmymasterinhistimeof greatestneed
istoppedeatinganddrankmysorrowsawaydestroyingmyliv erandkidneysandkillingmeitis. Making a mental note to bury her later, Colin kept searching through the cupboards. He heard snuffling noises from the bread pantry. Opening the door, Colin saw Dobby weeping, wearing a hat and shorts, but oddly for him, no socks.


“What’s wrong Dobby?”

“Winky is dead and Dobby cried and dried his tears with his socks, which gave him athletes foot. And so now I have sworn off wearing socks forevermore”

“Oookay then” Colin said, shutting the door.


Remembering that he was down here to get Harry a coffee, and fearing the wrath of Hermione if he took too long, Colin forgot all about Snape and Winky and Dobby, made the coffee and ran back to the common room, being careful not to spill any.

(Gryffindor common room, 2 hours till wedding time)

Hermione finished the song with a flourish. Lavender sat in the corner and pondered the meaning of life. Neville and Seamus were still circling the room, Seamus still shouting “I’m a pretty, pretty girl!”. Neville had run out of Giant toenails, so was now swatting at Seamus with the broomstick and cackling “Who killed my sister? Who killed the Witch of the East? Was it you?”

Colin sccoted into the room and handed Harry his coffee. Hermione, not wanting the ice at the bottom of her glass, chucked it. It hit Neville square in the face, which stopped him in his tracks. He proceeded to fall to the floor and squirm around, yelling things like “I'm melting! I'm melting!” and “Who ever thought a little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness?”


“Arrrrgh” Hermione yelled. “I can’t concentrate on my singing with this racket! Lets go outside and set up for the ceremony”


And with that they all changed into the costumes Lavender had made while crying and pondering the meaning of life, grabbed their instruments and followed Hermione out the door.

ATTN: WE TAKE A BREAK FROM OUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING TO BRING YOU THIS MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSORS

A Song begins: “Plum and Plum's Perfect Wizarding Plumbing and Loos,

We should be the ones you choose
If something down the potty you did lose,
Call us and we’ll fix your plumbing blues”

Me: Where did THAT come from? Steve?

Steve: Well, the last movie didn’t make much money, so I’ve decided to increase the amount of product placement and subliminal advertising to make me us more money. So if you could find some way of putting a Starbucks in the story, That would be great

Me: no way! I won’t take this intrusion on my creative liscence any longer *ties up Steve and leaves him on the castle lawn for the dragon who will shortly appear in the story to eat*

(10 minutes later, walking past Hagrids Hut, School Grounds)


As the trio, followed by Colin, Seamus, Lavender and Neville, walked past Hagrid’s Hut, they were greeted by the most peculiar sight. Luna Lovegood was hanging upside down in a 'Carnivorous African Tundra Tree' like a fruit bat, yelling instructions at Hagrid, who was attempting to jump rope, and flapping her arms like they were wings. Hagrid was explaining to her what 'Carnivorous African Tundra Trees’ were in great detail, and how he planned to cultivate them and sell them to make money for his planned holiday to New Zealand with Madame Maxime.

Luna spotted them and yelled “I’m starving, is it true you are out of banana’s?”
Harry looked puzzled then said “Yes, we have no bananas."

They made their way to the stage where the wedding was to be held. Lotus was arranging large bouquets of flowers around the stage, Cass was talking in hushed tones to a very nervous looking Professor Flitwick, and Zy was leading Snape to their seats at the front.

Just behind them sat Fred and George, on either side of Mrs Weasley. They were taking turns in saying “Mum, we’re hungry. Feed us please” to which she would reply “ I will not cook. I refuse to cook. No cooking for me”.

Hermione directed the rest of the ‘Orange Juicies’ to where they should set up on stage. They had just finished doing a sound check when Cass said “Lets get this party started shall we?”.


The crowd all sat down and waited for Cass to begin the ceremony.


“Dearly Beloved, We are gathered here today to witness the union of Minerva McGonagall to Professor Flitwick. If anyone knows a reason these two should not be wed, let them speak now or forever hold their peace”


“Spaghetti” said Snape.


"I'm a pretty, pretty girl!” Yelled Seamus


At that moment Henry the Dragon swooped down and stood in front of Cass.

“You, justify your existence or be eaten” he said to her.

Always calm under pressure, Cass grabbed the green stapler she kept in her pocket for protection, brandished it in front of her, let off a few warning staples, then replied “I am a very important person, if I don’t finish the wedding ceremony and pronounce these two man and wife, Kirstie won’t have completed all the Dare requirements and her story won’t be finished. If you’re hungry I suggest you chow down on Steve Kloves, Kirstie left him tied up just for you”


Henry nodded in agreement and flew off with Steve in his mouth.


The wedding proceeded without a hitch and the ‘Orange Juicies’ were a huge hit, even with Hermione’s dreadful singing voice.


THE END