And the last of the trilogy.


The group of Gryffindors finally arrived at the doors that led into the Great Hall. They opened them and stepped in, stopping almost instantly at the crazy scene that lay before them. In the middle of the hall stood a huge pear tree full of partridges. Standing next to the pear tree were Hagrid and Luna. It looked like Luna was teaching Hagrid how to jump rope barefoot. It would have been a success except that Hagrid’s giant toenails kept catching on the rope.

In a secluded corner, Snape sat alone playing with baby blocks. He was trying to pile them one on top of the other, but they kept toppling down into a big heap. It was easy to tell that Snape was getting frustrated with the uncooperative blocks. He had a scowl on his face and he was grunting and chucking blocks to anyone within his throwing range.

On the other side of the hall, there were many rows of chairs set up with a long runner down the middle of the rows. Harry and company walked down the row and noticed a small wedding arch at the far end. As they got closer, they saw a woman going over something written on a piece of parchment. They approached the woman when she looked up and saw the group of Gryffindors.

“Hello, students,” the woman said, greeting them. “How can I help you?”

“Um...sorry to bother you,” Harry said cautiously. “But we wanted to know why this is all set up? Is something going to be happening?”

“Of course,” the woman responded. “Two of your professors have expressed their undying love for each other and want to make it official to themselves, the world, their religion and the government.” She sighed. “Weddings are so wonderful.”

“Who‘s getting married?” Ron asked.

“Professors Flitwick and McGonagall,” she answered. “How silly of me. I didn‘t even introduce myself. I‘m Zymurgy, the new Headmistress of Hogwarts.”

From somewhere far off, they could hear the sound of thunder.

“You might have heard about me from the song ‘Zymurgy is Our Queen.’ Absolutely wonderful song! Must thank Felicia for that.“ She turned her attention back to the group of students in front of her. “And you are?”

“I‘m Har...Bob Weasley,” Harry said, barely recovering from his mistake. “This is my cousin Ron, his friend Hermione, and this is Dean and Seamus. It‘s very nice to meet you and all, but where‘s Professor Dumbledore?”

“Professor Dumbledore has decided to step down from his position at Hogwarts. He felt that he was growing soft in the wizarding world and decided to try being a muggle for a change. Personally, I think he‘s nuts.”

Suddenly, their conversation was rudely interrupted by screams coming from the area around the pear tree. Everyone ran over to see what was wrong. Luna and Hagrid were both just standing there stunned. Then Luna started pointing to the ground around Hagrid’s feet. The jump rope that Hagrid was using to jump rope with had broken in two. It looked like it was shredded. Harry remembered seeing Hagrid stumble constantly with his giant toenails and realized that Hagrid had probably broke the jump rope with his sharp toenails.

Luna continued pointing and started screaming again. “HAGRID!!! You broke my jump rope!! YOU BROKE IT!!!”

Hagrid looked panicked. He didn’t know what to do, so he tried to comfort Luna. “I‘m sorry, Luna. I can buy you another one. I‘m really, really sorry. I shouldn‘t have done that.”

Luna tried to calm herself down, but it only made things worse as it seemed to frustrate her because she couldn’t. The intensity of her anger grew and grew until she had reached the point of insanity.

“HAGRID, YOU MONSTER!!! WHY?!? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!? WHY?!? WHY DO THESE THINGS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME?!?!?!?!?”

And then, just as suddenly, Luna quieted down. She had the far away look in her eyes as she kept on mumbling under her breath, “...Fruit bat...Fruit bat...Fruit bat...”

Ron whispered to Harry, “Um...I think Luna‘s finally gone crazy. Look at her.”

Harry didn’t reply, but kept his eyes on Luna as she started to raise her arms and flap them like wings. She then started zooming around everyone and, spotting the pear tree, tried to fly up to the branches and feed on the fruit. However, the best Luna could do at her flying was continually jumping up and down, trying to get to the fruit sitting in the tree.

The crowd quickly dispersed as they left Luna to get her own pears. Dean and Seamus went back to inspect the wedding area while Harry, Ron and Hermione walked over to where Snape was. He was still trying to stand the baby blocks up.

“Hello, Professor,” Hermione said uncertainly. She didn’t know what was wrong with Snape, so she wasn’t even sure if he would understand what she just said.

Snape looked up at her and pointed. “Big Bird!” he said. “Big Bird! Big Bird! Big Bird!”

“Why‘s he doing that?” Hermione said, panicking at Snape‘s weirdness.

“Hermione,” Harry said. “I think he means the hair. It reminds him of Big Bird.” He burst into laughter.

“Big Bird!” Snape said again. He stood up and hugged Hermione before singing the Sesame Street song.

Harry was so doubled over with laughter, that he didn’t see Draco Malfoy enter with his cronies Crabbe and Goyle. Draco and Crabbe were both looking as mean as ever, but Goyle seemed to be different, to put it lightly. He was riding his broomstick around and kept riding up to random people and demanding where the ruby slippers were. He saw Harry and rode up to him.

“Well, well,” Goyle said in that nasally high-pitched voice of the Wicked Witch of the West. “What have we here? Harry Potter and his little friends. Where are my ruby slippers? I want them! I want them now!”

“Goyle,” Hermione snapped. “Stop being such an idiot. And get off of that pathetic excuse for a broomstick.”

“I‘ll get you my pretty,” Goyle replied. “And your little dog, too!”

Hermione grabbed a bucket of water that just so happened to be near by. “Buzz off before I throw some water on you, you crazy nutter.”

Goyle immediately zoomed off and screamed back at the trio, “Surrender you pathetic nitwits or I‘ll get you! I‘ll send my winged monkeys after you!”

“Stupid,” Hermione said. “I wonder how he got into Hogwarts at all. He doesn‘t have a smidgen of brains. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah.” She went back to singing “Zymurgy is Our Queen” again as Harry pulled out Ron’s batteries from his pocket.

Harry’s day was barely done, but he was zapped of energy. He wondered if the batteries did work. He opened the package and removed one of the batteries. After putting the rest of the batteries back in his pocket, Harry placed the battery between his thumb and index finger with the positive side of the battery against his index finger. He pressed against the battery and waited. He didn’t feel anything. Nothing happened. Harry flipped the battery around and tried it again. Still nothing.

I’m going to kill Ron, he thought as he slipped the battery back into his pocket. He would get rid of them later.

“Okay, I‘m done,” Hermione said. “I hate that song. I hate it and I don‘t ever want to sing it again.”

“Are you talking about ‘Zymurgy is Our Queen’?” Ron asked. “I thought you loved that. You wouldn‘t stop singing it.”

“I used to like it,” Hermione replied. “But after singing it for fifty-five times, I’ve grown to hate and despise it. I don‘t ever want to be reminded of it again.”

“Why fifty-five times?” Ron asked again. “Doesn‘t Felicia‘s dare say forty-five times?”

“Yes Ron, it does,” Hermione answered sarcastically. “I‘m disappointed in you. I thought you would have noticed my over-achieving spirit by now.” She sighed to herself. “Some boys just don‘t see anything.”

“Goody for you,” Harry said. “But I think the wedding‘s about to start. Everyone‘s coming in now.”

The doors to the Great Hall opened up as students and professors made their way into the place. They took their seats and were chatting amongst themselves, waiting for the wedding to begin. Within the crowd, Professor Flitwick made his way up to the altar. People were noticing and were starting to clap. Some even shouted out words of encouragement to the professor.

“Go get ‘um, tiger!”

“You‘re the man, Professor!”

“Love to the short guys!”

The professor blushed at these words and hurried even faster to the altar to wait for his beloved, Professor McGonagall.

After a half an hour, Zymurgy stood up from her seat and turned to address the gathered. “Friends, family, students, professors, I welcome you today to see the joyous celebration of marriage between two of our most loved professors, Flitwick and McGonagall. I would‘ve played the organ for this very deserving couple, but it seems that the school organ broke down last week. Therefore, I would like for everyone to sing several choruses of ‘Zymurgy is Our Queen’ as a wedding march for our lovely professor. If you would, please.”

The audience started singing as Hermione put her fingers in her ears and Professor McGonagall made her way down the aisle. She was a stunning sight in her perfectly tailored wedding dress and multiple flowers in her hair and her bouquet. As she walked, Professor Flitwick seemed to stand a little straighter and taller. He was evidently very proud to have McGonagall as his wife. After she made it to the altar, the minister began with the ceremonies. Harry sat there, drifting off to sleep. He was happy that two good people were getting married, but he was tired and the last thing he wanted to do was to sit and watch something that didn’t really interest him. He was just about to succumb to the delights of sleep, when Hermione elbowed him.

“They‘re almost done, Harry,” she whispered to him. “They‘re at the ‘I dos.’ Stay awake.”

Harry’s attention focused in on the very-soon-to-be-married couple as the ceremony was almost done.

“I do,” Flitwick said.

“I do,” McGonagall replied.

“I now pronounce you man and wife,” the minister said. “Sir, you may kiss the bride.”

At that moment, a great dragon crashed into the Great Hall from the windows. He was mean and angry and flared fire through his nostrils. Just your typical everyday hungry, deadly dragon.

“Fear me!” the Dragon roared. “I am hungry and I have come to feed on you! Justify your existence to me or be eaten!”

“You can‘t eat me or my wife,” Flitwick said. “We just got married. We need to have our honeymoon and our first argument and our first kid together.”

“Very well,” the Dragon said. “I will not feed on you or your rather attractive wife.” At this comment, McGonagall blushed and snuggled closer to her husband. “Now, who is next?”

“You can‘t eat me,” Draco said. “I have my duty to uphold as supreme enemy of Harry Potter. I can‘t let my fans down. But you can have Crabbe and Goyle. They suck.”

The Dragon grabbed Crabbe and Goyle with his claws. With both of them screaming, the Dragon gulped them down in one swallow. He eyed the others. “Who is next?”

“You can‘t eat me or my friends,” Harry said. “We have a contract with J.K. Rowling. We‘re the main characters in the story and can‘t die. At least, not until the end of the series.”

“I will not eat you or your friends,” the Dragon said. “Who‘s next?”

Snape looked up at the Dragon and pointed. “Big Bird! Big Bird! Big Bird!”

The Dragon reached for Snape and took him in his claws. He opened his mouth and almost ate Snape, when he suddenly decided not to and set Snape down again.

“Gross,” the Dragon said. “I would eat him, but he‘s too greasy and slimy. I would gain so much weight.” He surveyed the rest. “I‘ll be back for the rest of you later. When I get hungry again. Better start thinking of your excuses now before I eat you!”

With that, the Dragon flapped his giant wings and took off, flying far and away from Hogwarts.


Thankfully, this is The End.


The Last Word:
This is Steve Kloves again. I was supposed to come back during the second half of the story to cut all of the scenes, but a very important call came in. It was my agent and he’s found me fangirls! I’m gonna party! But before I do, there are several things that I must say.

First off, this entire fanfic sucks. I don’t even know what I was thinking when I said it was the best thing ever written. I must have not had much sleep or something. I feel embarrassed to even be associated with this stupid thing. I’m cutting the entire story. I’ll throw in two seconds of Harry’s scar, bring back the Ford Anglia, and retain the cupcake in a starring role. I’ll make millions! I just know it!

Secondly, there was no bananas line. I just put that in to sucker you into reading this. Deal.

Thirdly, the call for fangirls is always open. Contact my agent for details.

Fourthly, did I say that this entire fanfic sucks?

I think that’s it. I’m off to party with my fangirls. I think I’ll have myself a glass of milk on the rocks when I get there.

Ciao,
Steve Kloves