I wasn't able to get in dares for this competition because I was offically sworn in late, but I had to take a stab at this anyway. Enjoy.


Dragons and Cupcakes and Snape! Oh My!

Foreword:
Hi. This is Steve Kloves, director of such fine movies as...uh,...well, you get the picture. A director of fine movies. Now, I have the opportunity to put my imprint on such a great franchise as Harry Potter by choosing to direct this fanfic. Why this particular fanfic, you ask? Simply because this is the finest presentation of the Suicidally Optimistic Carnivorous African Tundra Tree of Marginally Inconsequential Fan Fiction Duel I have ever read. As a matter of fact, this was the only presentation that I did read. What do you think I am? Some director that has nothing but time on his hands? Of course not! I have priorities, too. Hobnobbing with celebrities, collecting Academy Awards and writing my acceptance speeches. It’s not easy! You should respect that so I can continue to make these fine movies for you, the movie-going audience. But I’ll forgive you this time.

As I was saying, this is the greatest thing I have ever had the incredible fortune to lay my eyes on. I especially loved the part where one of the characters says, “Yes, we have no bananas.” I was laughing for hours after that one. It was so funny, I had to stop and rest before I could continue on with the story. So, be on the lookout for it! It’s good! And because of the great review that I produced for you, I’m sure that you’ll want to get in on this as well and read it, too. Steve Kloves to the rescue again! I have produced this incredible slice of fan fiction from the Evil Elite Fan Fiction Dare Club to you, the average reader, in the hopes that you will enjoy it as much as I did. So, without further ado, I present babydriver27’s entry to the Suicidaly Optimistic Carnivorous African Tundra Tree of Marginally Inconsequential Fan Fiction Duel. Enjoy!

Sincerely,
Steve Kloves



P.S. I have also included myself in particular scenes that caught my interest, either good or bad. I simply had to cameo to bring out my creative side.

P.P.S. Did you forget about the line, “Yes, we have no bananas.” I thought so. Look out for this one!! It’s so funny!! I guarantee that you will enjoy it!

P.P.P.S. I,...um,...had something else to add, but I just forgot what it was. Oh, well. Read on!


And now, the story...


“Eureka!” Neville Longbottom shouted as he stood over the sleeping body of Harry Potter. Harry was peacefully asleep until Neville shouted and woke Harry up in a frenzy, throwing pillows and blankets everywhere.

“What‘s happened?! What‘s going on?!” Harry shouted as he came to a sitting position on the bed. He looked over at Neville, quizzically. “Why did you wake me up like that?”

“I‘m sorry, Harry,” Neville replied. “But, I was just so excited. I made the greatest discovery in the history of Hogwarts. Everyone will be talking about it for years to come.”

“Well, what was it?” Harry asked, clearly interested in what Neville had found out.

“Brace yourself, Harry,” Neville warned before continuing. “I just found out that I am the hunkiest stud on campus. I can‘t believe I only realized this now when I took a look in the mirror and truly saw my studliness, so I want to take this opportunity to apologize for all the times girls went for me instead of you.”

“What!?!” Harry replied, shocked that Neville, of all people, would come to this ridiculous conclusion about himself. Harry thought that perhaps the strain of school, Snape and his parents in St. Mungo’s finally go to him.

“Now, Harry,” Neville said in a consoling manner. “I understand that this may take some time getting used to, seeing as how you were the big man on campus before. I want you to know that I hold absolutely no animosity and I am more than willing to help you readjust to your new position in life. It would be no trouble at all.”

All of the conversation between Harry and Neville woke up the rest of the boys in the dormitory. They slowly rose out of their beds to see Neville flexing his muscles and kissing them in the mirror. They all gawked at him.

“What are you doing, Neville?” Ron and Dean asked, both completely stunned.

“Have you gone nuts or something?” Seamus inquired, equally confused.

“I resent that, Seamus,” Neville shot back. “Don‘t start getting jealous of me just because I’m the hottest man in Hogwarts now. It pains me deep inside to hear that from people I call friends. Like I told Harry, this may take some time to get used to, but comments like that only hurt. Seeing as how I’m a great friend, I‘ll let it go this time, Seamus. And Harry, there‘s a cupcake stuck to the side of your head.”

With all of the confusion surrounding Neville’s hallucination, Harry and company didn’t even take notice to this little fact until Harry felt the side of his head and, yes, there was a cupcake there. Harry tried to pull it off, but the cupcake wouldn’t budge. Harry pulled harder with no result. It was stuck.

“Hey guys!” Harry shouted. “Help me out here, please. I can‘t pull this cupcake off of my head.”

The boys crowded around Harry and each tried, in turn, to pull it off to no avail. The cupcake was still stuck to the side of Harry’s head. He began to panic.

“I‘ve got to do something,” Harry said, clearly in a panic. “I just can‘t go downstairs with this thing stuck to the side of my head. I‘ll be laughed out of Hogwarts. Snape and the Slytherins will have a field day with this. Quick! Think! What am I going to do?”

They thought, and thought, and thought until Neville shouted, “Eureka!” again. Everyone turned their attention to him as he spoke.

“Harry, you won‘t have to do anything! No one will be looking at you because they‘ll all be too busy looking at me and admiring my studliness. Your problem is solved! Just stay out of my way and I‘ll do the rest.”

And as everyone looked at Neville, he got dressed and headed for the common room with a casual wave at his fellow dorm members before departing. Everyone was thinking the same thing: Neville Longbottom, the poor soul, had finally lost his bananas.

“No!” Steve Kloves rudely interjects into my fanfic. “That‘s not the bananas line! Keep going! And on second thought, I should cut this entire part. It stinks, except for the cupcake. I must give that cupcake a starring role. You should see that cupcake act. Better than 99% of the actors out there now. Okay, so back to the story!”

“Hey, Harry,” Dean said after Neville had left. “You could wear this. It might fool some people and you would be giving the embarrassment to someone else.” He handed him a round button he had pulled out of his trunk. It said, “Hi, I‘m Bob!” in big bold red letters.

“Okay, Dean,” Harry said as he accepted the button. He was so desperate he was willing to give anything a shot, except for Neville’s crazy idea, at this point. “Any other ideas, guys?”

It was Ron‘s turn to speak up. “I know, Harry. You could dye your hair red. Nobody would recognize you with red hair. Everyone would probably think that you‘re a member of my family. And we could call you Bob to match the button. Yeah! Crazy Cousin Bob with the cupcake stuck to the side of his head. How about it?”

“Uh..., okay Ron,” Harry replied. In truth, Harry didn’t like this idea, but it was Ron who suggested it and he didn’t want to hurt his feelings. After all, he thought, it was only going to be for a little while. “Who‘s going to dye my hair?”

“I’ll do it, but I‘m not going to dye it the muggle way,” answered Ron. “I‘ll just use a spell and keep it like that until we can get the cupcake off. Ready? Here goes!” Ron pulled out his wand and aimed it at Harry’s head. Harry closed his eyes, really not liking the method of having a wand pointed at his head, and waited. Ron concentrated hard and flicked his wand at Harry’s hair. The jet of light hit the tips of the hair as it started to turn it red. The color made it’s way from the tips to the roots of his hair until all of Harry’s hair was a magnificent shade of...orange.

“Whoops!” Ron said before looking at Harry, who looked ready to kill him. “I‘m sorry, Harry. I guess I was a bit overzealous with the wand waving. Don‘t kill me, please.”

Harry could only continue to look at Ron with daggers coming from his eyes as he said, “I‘m never listening to you again, Ron Weasley. Now, who has the next bright idea?” He turned to face the rest of the boys.

Seamus was shaking at Harry’s glare, but summoned up the courage to answer Harry’s question. “Here, Harry.” He handed Harry a green stapler. “Just in case the ruse doesn‘t work or someone tries to give you trouble as Crazy Cousin Bob. It offers great protection, so use it well. I would keep it in my pocket, if I were you.”

Harry took the green stapler from Seamus wishing that he didn’t ask for help in the first place. He looked at the green stapler and sighed before putting it in his pocket. He grudgingly got dressed in his robes and pinned the Bob button to his school robes, taking care to cover the Gryffindor seal entirely. He looked in the mirror and almost cried. He looked like a crazy loser or a retard. He was sure people would figure through the disguise and it would all be over for him.

“Um...Harry,” Ron said carefully. “Look, I‘m really sorry about your hair. I didn‘t mean for it to turn out that way.” He handed Harry an unopened pack of AA batteries. “My dad gave them to me to cheer me up. He said that these would boost your energy when you use them. Today‘s not going to be a good one for you, so I hope you use these. It‘ll make things just a little easier.”

Harry turned around at Ron’s show of forgiveness and gave him a pat on the back. He couldn‘t stay mad at Ron. “Thanks, Ron. I appreciate the thought, but these are muggle batteries. They don‘t work on humans. It only works on electrical equipment.”

“Actually, Harry,” Ron replied. ”Dad said he did something to them. He enchanted them to be able to do that for humans. You’re supposed to put one of them between your index finger and the thumb and then press hard. Take them anyway and give them a try. Please.” He forced the batteries on to Harry and quickly walked away to finish getting dressed.

“What a scene of compassion and friendship,” Mr. Kloves again interrupts. “I‘m cutting it out. The audience doesn‘t want to see compassion and friendship. They want to see action and magic and dragons and Quidditch and Snape. Especially Snape. Fans love Snape. He has so many fangirls, even I‘m jealous of him. I want fangirls, too. If you want to be a fangirl of Steve Kloves, director and actor extraordinaire, please contact my agent. That is all.”

Harry looked on as Ron hurried away to his bed. He stuffed the batteries in his pocket and waited for Ron to finish dressing. When he was finished, they both headed down the stairs to the common room, leaving Dean and Seamus. They could hear them talking as they left, saying things like, “I wonder if the cupcake on Harry‘s head tastes any good” and “I‘ll bet that Harry‘s cupcake is somehow related to the meaning of life.”

Harry shook his head in response to those crazy comments Dean and Seamus made and quickly got dizzy. The cupcake seemed to affect his balance by making one side of his head heavier than the other. Harry wondered how long he would be able to stand this strange predicament before going crazy like Neville.

Harry and Ron entered the common room to find Hermione waiting for them. She was sitting in one of those comfortable armchairs and was quietly singing a song.

“Morning, Hermione,” Harry and Ron said cheerily.

“What are you singing?” Ron added.

Hermione greeted both of them. “Hiya, Harry. Morning, Ron. It‘s just a little song I picked up last night in the girls dormitories. Ginny was singing it all night. It‘s a catchy tune called ‘Zymurgy is Our Queen.’”

“Who’s Zymurgy?” Ron asked.

“I don‘t know, Ron,” answered Hermione. “But it‘s such a spiffy little tune, I couldn‘t care less.” She continued to sing the song.

“Uh..., Hermione,” Harry asked. “Don‘t you notice something different about me?”

Hermione stared at Harry and said, “Sure, something’s different. Your hair is orange, you’re carrying around a green stapler for protection, you have a cupcake sticking out of the side of your head, and you now go by the name of Crazy Cousin Bob Weasley.”

Harry and Ron stared at her in amazement. “How did you know all of that?” Ron asked.

Hermione smiled at him. “I read about it in ‘Hogwarts, A History.’”

“Really?” Harry asked.

“No,” Hermione answered laughing. “I was just joking. I actually found out about it because Steve Kloves made me read this fanfic last week. Oh, and if you’re interested in being fangirls for him, you should get in touch with his agent.”

“Yeah. That‘s all I need,” Ron said sarcastically. “To become a fangirl for Steve Kloves. They would like that very much. I‘m a pretty, pretty girl, Hermione!”

“Whatever, Ron,” Hermione shot back. “I just thought you’d be interested.” She went back to singing about Zymurgy when she suddenly stopped and started to sniff Harry.

“Hermione!” Harry shouted while backing away from Hermione and her inquisitive nose. “What are you doing?!”

“I’m sniffing you,” answered Hermione, matter of factly. “You smell like cupcakes. Hmm...I read somewhere that cupcakes and the meaning of life are somehow related. I wonder if that’s true.”

Harry cautiously sniffed himself. He couldn’t smell anything and was doubly insulted at Hermione saying that he did. He replied angrily, “I do NOT smell! And cupcakes have absolutely nothing to do with the meaning of life!” He was in a very huffy mood.

“Don‘t feel bad, Harry,” Ron added. “Hermione seems to think I would make a good fangirl. Right, Hermione?!” He threw his hands up and started to prance like a girl around the common room. “I‘m a pretty, pretty girl! I would love to be your fangirl, Mr. Kloves! After all, I‘m a pretty, pretty girl!”

“Stop it, Ron!” yells director Kloves as he intrudes in my fanfic yet again. “Stop it! I‘m cutting this scene out of the film on the basis of it‘s just too sickening. People are eating in the theater. I would scare all of my audience away! I would never make another movie again! I would never get to win the Academy Award for Best Picture! I’ll never get a fangirl! Why?! Why do people do this to me?!” He exits my fanfic, crying his eyes out over the end of his film career as we continue.

At that moment, Dean and Seamus entered the common room.

“Hello, Hermione,” Dean said, smiling at her.

“Guess what everyone?” Seamus asked. “Dean just taught me how to do tumbleturns. He says I‘m an excellent tumbleturner. Watch.”

Seamus executed a perfect tumbleturn in front of everyone. Everyone clapped as Seamus took a few bows.

“Wicked!” said Ron, clearly impressed with Seamus’ talent.

“Excellent!” Harry responded.

“Wonderful!” Hermione said.

“Thank you. Thank you,” Seamus said. “I appreciate your great comments toward my tumbleturning ability, but I‘m hungry. Let‘s go and get something to eat.”

“I second that,” Ron said. “I‘m famished. And I heard that my mom‘s cooking for the school now. The food is going to be first rate.”

“I‘m not really hungry,” Harry said. “I think I‘ll just have a glass of milk. On the rocks.”

Hermione looked at him funny. “Harry, you can only order alcohol on the rocks. Are you okay?”

Harry shook his head, getting slightly dizzy again. “You‘re right, Hermione. I guess this cupcake is getting to be a big hassle. It might be sucking out my brain cells and stuff.”

“I don‘t think so, Harry,” Hermione responded. “But that extra weight on the side of your head could cause neck and back pain. That could, in turn, subject you to headaches and an inability to play Quidditch. You‘d better get it off soon. Let‘s go something to eat guys.”


To be continued...