Okay, one freshly done dare ready for your pleasure (or torture). This is my very first fanfic, so comments, good or bad, are cool.

And, yes, I know this is very long.


A Day at Walmart

“I want a PEZ dispenser with my head on it,” Harry said, completely out of the blue.

Ron and Hermione looked up at Harry, equally confused with Harry just said. “Uh...what did you say, Harry?” asked Ron.

“I want a PEZ dispenser with my head on it,” Harry said again.

“Why don‘t you have some chocolate frogs or a tuna-flavored Bertie Bott bean, instead?” inquired Hermione.

“What‘s a PEZ dispenser?” asked Ron.

“No, Hermione. It has to be a PEZ dispenser because I want one with my head on it.” He turned to Ron. “A PEZ dispenser dispenses PEZ candy into your waiting hand. You eat the candy.”

“It‘s a muggle thing,” Harry added as Ron’s very confused and yet intrigued face came out.

“Okay, okay, Harry. We can go down to that new Walmart that just opened up in Hogsmeade and get one there,” Hermione said.

“Sounds good. Let’s go now,” said Harry and followed suit.

“What the heck is a Walmart?” said the lost and confused Ron as he followed the others.

The trio made their way out of Hogwarts and down to the village of Hogsmeade. The village was packed today, as everyone seemed to be out and about. They saw Dean, Neville, and Seamus walking to The Three Broomsticks and a troop of Slytherins entering The Hog’s Head.

“They’re probably going to try to bribe the bartender for Firewhisky,” commented Ron as they passed them. “Slytherin gits,” he added for effect.

They continued down the Main Street and ran into Fred and George Weasley. The twins looked extremely happy about something. They were walking as if they owned the street and wearing the flashiest dragon skin robes the trio ever saw. Harry, Ron, and Hermione stopped and said hello.

“Hello, hello little people,” Fred said.

“Isn‘t it a lovely day? Such a very lovely day,” added George.

“Why are you two so happy?” asked Ron. “You didn‘t enchant Percy‘s cauldron again, did you?”

“Nope, little bro‘,” answered Fred. “It‘s something much better than that.”

“But we‘re not telling anyone, so don‘t even try asking,” George said. ”Just check the afternoon edition of the Daily Prophet and you‘ll see.”

With that they walked away. Ron looked at them and shook his head. “I sure hope they didn‘t pull a really big joke or something. Mum‘s already on the verge of strangling both of them with what happened last week.”

“Let‘s hurry,” said Harry. “My PEZ craving is gnawing at me and I see the Walmart at the end of the street.”

They picked up the pace and soon found themselves at the entrance to the Walmart. The doors whooshed open as they walked in and someone approached them. Hermione let out a shrill shriek as she recognized who it was. It was Lord Voldemort.

“Stop your whining, you little mudblood girl,“ said Voldemort. “I‘m not going to kill you.”

“What are you doing here, then?” asked Harry in a sarcastic tone of voice. He was still mad at Voldemort for killing his parents and often longed for revenge.

“And why are you wearing those ugly muggle things?” Ron added. “The colors don‘t even match.”

“I got a job here as a Greeter, scar-head,” Voldemort said as he turned to face Ron. “They’re called clothes, Weasel-nut. And they do too match. They bring out the color of my eyes very well.”

“Uh...no they don‘t,” Hermione said as she got over her initial shock.

“Whatever, you frizzy haired mudblood,” retorted Voldemort. “Anyway, since I‘m a Greeter, I have to do my job.” He tried to smile and found he couldn’t, so he greeted them in the happiest voice he could muster, which wasn’t very happy at all. “Welcome to Walmart, home of rollback prices and the 100% satisfaction guarantee. No questions asked. See fine print for details. And today only, we have our special lucky lottery going on. The person with the winning lottery ticket will get a special prize. Here‘s your tickets.” He handed each one of them a ticket.

The trio walked away hurriedly, but not before hearing Voldemort mutter, “Stupid customers. I‘d rather be in Azkaban.”

“What‘s his problem?” Harry asked to Ron and Hermione.

“Who knows?” replied Ron. “He‘s just a git. The biggest git around.”

“Don‘t you people ever read the Daily Prophet?” asked Hermione. “This is Voldemort‘s...,” she paused slightly, getting over saying his name, “...punishment for all of his years of death and destruction. The Wizengamot felt that this would be a better sentence for someone who enjoyed the dark arts like him. It‘s kind of ironic, you know, being a Greeter. He has to be all happy and welcome people in a nice voice. I‘ll bet it‘s tearing him apart.”

“I sure hope so,” Harry said. “He deserves it. Come on. I see the candy aisle ahead.”

The trio scampered through the aisle traffic until they reached the candy aisle. It was huge and jam-packed with a large selection of both muggle and wizard candy. There were Bertie Bott’s every flavor beans and chocolate frogs next to Mars bars and Butterfingers. It was a very imposing sight. Our heroes scanned the aisle in quiet disbelief until they found the PEZ dispensers. There were dispensers of every character you could think of. They had dispensers of zoo animals, Disney characters, even Ron and Hermione had dispensers with their heads on it, but Harry’s dispenser was nowhere to be found.

“I‘ve got one with my head on it,” exclaimed Ron. “Wicked! I‘m getting one of these.”

“But where‘s mine?” asked Harry. “I don‘t see it anywhere.”

“Why don‘t you ask the lady who just came into our aisle?” Hermione said while grabbing a PEZ dispenser with her head on it.

“Excuse me, ma‘am,” Harry said. “Can you help me find a PEZ dispenser with my head on it? I really need one.”

The salesperson walked over to them and silently scanned the PEZ area. She looked at Harry and shook her head.

“Sorry, young man, but we‘re currently out of Harry Potter dispensers,” said the salesperson.

“But, don‘t you have any in the back storerooms?” retorted Harry. “I seriously need one.”

The salesperson shook her head again. “No, we ran out of them yesterday. A hoard of people came in and bought them all. Weird bunch of people. They were saying something about July 16 and not being able to stand the wait. They were arguing about book covers and this thing called ‘shipping.’ Strange stuff.” She looked at the dispensers again. “Why don‘t you get a Winnie the Pooh one? They‘re extremely popular and terribly cute.” She grabbed one and shoved it into Harry’s hand.

“Thanks,” Harry said gloomily, downhearted at this turn of events.

“And don‘t forget to take refills,” the salesperson added. “The roll that comes with the dispenser never lasts long. At least, that‘s the case with me. I‘ll open it and within 5 minutes all the candy is gone.” She grabbed a bunch of refills and gave them to Ron. “Enjoy.” She waved at them before turning around and heading out of the aisle.

Harry looked at the Winnie the Pooh PEZ dispenser in his hand and considered putting it back. He didn’t come to Walmart for a PEZ dispenser with Winnie the Pooh on it. He wanted one with his head on it. He looked at Ron and Hermione’s PEZ dispensers with jealousy, but before he could say anything, Ron interrupted him.

“Come on guys. I want to look around in here. I‘ve never been inside of a Walmart before.”

Harry abandoned his thoughts as they toured the store. They looked in every aisle the store had to offer. There were miles of merchandise to be found and the trio didn’t want to leave until they had seen it all. They went through aisles of greeting cards, potion ingredients, potato chips, generic wizarding wands (“Made in China,” said Ron.), shoes, cauldrons, bedding linens, quills and parchment, sports equipment, toys, books (“Books! shrieked Hermione again.”), muggle school supplies, muggle clothes, wizard robes and muggle music CDs. Ron was enchanted with the vast supply of muggle stuff available for purchase at very reasonable prices. He couldn’t help but to inspect everything that was unfamiliar to him.

“This place is incredible! Everything you could ever want is under one roof. And I‘ll bet mum won‘t be able to drag dad out of here in a million years with all of this muggle stuff.”

They were just about to enter an aisle containing muggle car supplies, when Harry stopped them. “Look,” he said, pointing to his left. “It‘s my aunt and uncle. And my slob of a cousin, Dudley.”

Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were ambling down the main aisle with Dudley in tow. Dudley, being the selfish kid he is, was throwing a tantrum in the middle of the aisle. Harry and company hid themselves behind a stack of toilet paper and watched the proceedings.

“Waaaah!” Dudley wailed. “I want it!! I don‘t care!!”

“But Schmoopise-poo,” said a panicked Aunt Petunia. “We already got you the laptop computer, Extra Extreme Deluxe Smeltings stick, your fourth, fifth, and sixth televisions, and the Super Deluxe All-Compatible DVD player. I think you‘ve gotten quite enough for one day.”

“Yes,” an equally panicked Uncle Vernon added. “And we are planning on going to see the Really Reeking Reservoir Clowns tonight. I got front row tickets for them.”

“I DON‘T CARE!!!“ Dudley cried harder. “I WANT THE EXTREME SUPER DOUBLE DELUXE ALL FREQUENCY TUNABLE DESKTOP STEREO WITH 3000 VOLTS OF MUSIC FOR SUPER DUPER CRAZY FUN!!!!!”

Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon looked at each other with looks of fear. Dudley was starting to draw a large audience. Uncle Vernon surveyed the scene and decided that a desktop stereo wasn’t worth the attention he was drawing. He looked at Dudley.

“Okay, son,” Uncle Vernon said. “We‘ll get you the stereo, right, honey?”

“That‘s right, darling,” Aunt Petunia replied. “We love you and we want you to be happy. Vernon, go and get the stereo, please. We‘ll meet you at the front checkout. Come on, my darling Schmoopsie-poo. Let‘s go home and get ready for the performance tonight.”

Dudley didn’t have to be told twice. He immediately followed Aunt Petunia to the checkout line while Uncle Vernon made his way to the entertainment department to get the stereo.

“Wow,” replied a shocked Hermione as they scrambled out from behind the stack of toilet paper. “I can‘t believe that is what you have to deal with at home. Perhaps I should see if my parents would allow you to stay for the summer.”

“No, it‘s all right, Hermione,” replied Harry. “I‘ve gotten used to how Dudley acts and how my relatives treat me. I‘m the great invisible relative that turns into a punching bag when Dudley needs one.”

“I take what I said earlier back,” Ron added. “Your cousin is the biggest git around. Hands down.”

They would have continued the Dudley-bashing conversation, if the Walmart loudspeaker hadn’t chosen that moment to announce the winner of their lucky lottery. “Attention, customers. It is now time to reveal the winner of our lucky lottery contest. The lucky lottery winner has the ticket number 5765166518762327168333. I repeat, the lucky lottery winner is ticket number 5765166518762327168333. If you have the winning ticket, please scan it at one of our convenient price scanners and a Walmart associate will be right with you.”

Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked at their tickets. Harry and Hermione looked crestfallen at their luck. They were both off by one number on their tickets, but Ron’s eyes widened in disbelief. His jaw dropped open and his PEZ dispenser fell out of his hand. He looked up at Harry and Hermione in pure shock.

“I won!” he exclaimed. “I actually won! I can‘t believe it! Look guys!” He showed them the ticket in his hand. Sure enough, the number matched with what was called on the loudspeaker. Harry and Hermione looked at him while Ron broke out into a victory dance.

“Hurry up, Ron,” Hermione said. “You better scan your ticket so you can get your prize.”

Harry, Ron, and Hermione hightailed it to the nearest price scanner and Ron tried to scan his ticket. However, his hands were shaking badly from the shock of winning, so the scanner couldn’t read the ticket. Ron grew frustrated after a few attempts and ended up hitting it in retaliation. He turned around and was just about to find another scanner when a jet of red light shot out from the scanner and hit Ron squarely in the back.

Ron stood still for a moment, too stunned to move until he felt the pain of many hangnails coming from all of his fingers and toes. He gasped with pain as the rest of the stuff he was carrying fell to the floor. Harry and Hermione rushed up to him.

“What‘s wrong, Ron?” Harry asked.

“I...I don‘t know,” answered Ron. “But I think something‘s wrong with my nails. They‘re hurting really badly.” He gasped with pain again.

Hermione inspected his nails. “Hmm...Ron it looks like you shouldn‘t have hit that scanner. It hexed you. This is the ‘Perpetual Hangnail Hex.’ I‘ve read about it in 1001 Hexes to Use When You Know They Deserved It.”

“So, how do you fix it?” interjected Ron. “Come on, Hermione. I‘m in pain here.”

Hermione shot him a dangerous look. “You shouldn‘t interrupt me when I‘m telling you what’s wrong, you know. I was just coming to that. Anyway, there is no cure for this particular hex. You‘ll just have to wait it out. It can take anywhere from a couple of hours to a couple of days to heal. It all depends on the person. I can‘t do anything about it.”

“Great! That‘s just great!” screamed Ron. “I have to live in pain because that stupid scanner wouldn‘t do it‘s job. Stupid git.”

“Don‘t worry, Ron,” Harry countered. “I‘ll scan your ticket for you and we‘ll see what you won.”

Harry picked up the ticket from the floor and scanned it. The scanner beeped and processed the ticket. In a couple of seconds, the scanner flashed a message across the screen. It read: CONGRATULATIONS!! YOU HAVE JUST WON OUR LUCKY LOTTERY CONTEST!! PLEASE WAIT FOR A WALMART ASSOCIATE TO ASSIST YOU.

A few seconds later, a barrage of Walmart workers quickly made their way next to the trio. The nearest one to them approached them with a big smile on his face. He was dressed differently from the regular workers. He wore a dark-brown suit and walked with the gait of an old, but agile man. He shook hands with all of them and addressed them.

“Congratulations, you lucky kids! Now, who had the winning ticket?”

Ron gingerly stepped forward; still in pain from the hex the scanner had given him, and answered the man. “It was my ticket, sir. I won the contest. Name‘s Ron Weasley.”

The man practically head-locked Ron as he turned around to face the crowd of customers who were gathering together to watch the action unfold. He spoke in a loud, clear voice, addressing the crowd.

“Hello, and good day to you all. My name is Sam Walton, founder of Walmart, and I am here to present the prizes to the holder of the winning lottery ticket. His name is Mr. Ronald Weasley. Let’s give him a hand, everyone.”

The crowd applauded in a polite fashion, as if they were too busy to stand around and watch what was going on. The man continued.

“And now for the prizes.” He turned to Ron. “Mr. Ronald Weasley, it is my great pleasure to present to you, as the winner of our lucky lottery, a pair of dice and a ticket to paradise. Paradise being anywhere you want to go in the world, of course.” He handed these two items to Ron. “When you’ve decided where you want to redeem your ticket, please talk to my secretary. He’s right here. His name is Rodolfus Sknuck. Congratulations again, Mr. Weasley. Have a good day and thank you for choosing Walmart.”


To be continued...