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sarahlooo · 01-19-2019, 07:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpinkpixie

His eyes were trained at his feet once he had finished, anxious about looking up at her because he knew she would get emotional and emotional meant tears and tears meant that he felt awful for upsetting her and that in turn meant that he pushed his own agenda aside so he could focus on comforting her. And that usually meant a hug. Hugging Natalie tended to mean she got more emotional, clung to him, and he would stroke her hair and kiss the top of her head, try to do everything he could to calm and assure her. Assure her that she was important. Assure her that he did care, deeply, for her. But all that did was keep them in this cycle and then the pressure kept building and BUILDING on him to do things right. To be PERFECT.

And anyone who knew Derfael Mitchell Ashburry-Hawthorne knew that he was anything BUT that.

"But you still are," he murmured gently while taking a few more cautious steps towards her. Glancing up, he saw that she was actually crying and it took every fiber of his being not to just reach out and hug her. His arms even twitched as though to do so. "...and telling yourself you don't have a right to be...doesn't fix anything. It...it...well...statements like that prevent you from seeking the help you need...or properly internally reflecting on things...and then we just...get stuck. It doesn't take away from your hurt...I think it only adds to it. Because now you feel guilty for being upset...and it all just, you know, layers on top of layers." Pauses to swallow thickly and ruffles his hair. "Your feelings are your feelings...your challenges are a challenge to you, and that makes them valid..."

He realized that he was rambling something terrible and he was not entirely sure where he was going with this.

"...but...for me? Natalie...for me? This all...it all turns into this pressure. Pressure from you. Cameron. Liam. Everyone who knows there is some potential between us...and I feel less and less like I am allowed to be me and I have to be some other person."

Yes, she still was upset. But she felt stupid about it because she knew that she shouldn't be and it was just that - her selfishness - that helped glue them into this never ending cycle. She would do something stupid, Derf would comfort her, she would get hopeful, something would set them back, and then she always ended up crying again. Just like this. But this time... was going to be different, wasn't it?

All she ever wanted was to know how Derf really felt. Now that he was actually telling her...? It made her want to crawl into a hole. Because as much as she liked him and cared for him and wanted to be the one that made him happy, she just wasn't. And that hurt. Derf wasn't happy and it was pretty much her fault. She couldn't make him happy. In fact, she was making her even more unhappy. Constantly.

Wiping another tear away, Natalie listened to his rambling while she stared at the piano. It was rambling, yeah, but it was all true. She was slightly self destructive and they always got stuck. And yes, she was feeling guilty. And yes, there were layers. Lots of layers. And pressure. And Derf was unhappy. And it was her fault.

Natalie stood up from the bench, quickly wiping tears off her cheek again. "This isn't working," she said quietly, turning to face him, forcing a smile. It was her attempt to try and look okay with it, even though she definitely wasn't. "I get it." But facing him just made her want to cry again because she had wanted to be happy with him more than anything. She had dreamed about it so much that she just thought it would eventually happen. Another set of tears stung in her eyes and Natalie averted her eyes.

"Can I ask you something?" she asked, lifting her hands to rub her eyes again, her voice thick. By the way - she was going to ask him no matter what he said. She dropped her hands and looked at him, her pink rimmed blue eyes on his. "Do you even like me? Or were you just trying to make me happy?" Because yes, he cared about her, but that didn't mean that he actually wanted to be in a relationship with her. They had been friends since first year. She knew that Derf would do anything for her, possibly including trying to be in a relationship that he didn't really want to be in.

01-19-2019, 07:31 AM	#8 (permalink)
sarahlooo Shrake Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Rohan Posts: 12,679 Hogwarts RPG Name: Louis Bracken Gryffindor Sixth Year x3 x1	Sardines ♥ BHB ♥ Dallie ♥ Grumpy ♥ MY SUN AND STARS ♥ i love julia Quote: Originally Posted by sweetpinkpixie His eyes were trained at his feet once he had finished, anxious about looking up at her because he knew she would get emotional and emotional meant tears and tears meant that he felt awful for upsetting her and that in turn meant that he pushed his own agenda aside so he could focus on comforting her. And that usually meant a hug. Hugging Natalie tended to mean she got more emotional, clung to him, and he would stroke her hair and kiss the top of her head, try to do everything he could to calm and assure her. Assure her that she was important. Assure her that he did care, deeply, for her. But all that did was keep them in this cycle and then the pressure kept building and BUILDING on him to do things right. To be PERFECT. And anyone who knew Derfael Mitchell Ashburry-Hawthorne knew that he was anything BUT that. "But you still are," he murmured gently while taking a few more cautious steps towards her. Glancing up, he saw that she was actually crying and it took every fiber of his being not to just reach out and hug her. His arms even twitched as though to do so. "...and telling yourself you don't have a right to be...doesn't fix anything. It...it...well...statements like that prevent you from seeking the help you need...or properly internally reflecting on things...and then we just...get stuck. It doesn't take away from your hurt...I think it only adds to it. Because now you feel guilty for being upset...and it all just, you know, layers on top of layers." Pauses to swallow thickly and ruffles his hair. "Your feelings are your feelings...your challenges are a challenge to you, and that makes them valid..." He realized that he was rambling something terrible and he was not entirely sure where he was going with this. "...but...for me? Natalie...for me? This all...it all turns into this pressure. Pressure from you. Cameron. Liam. Everyone who knows there is some potential between us...and I feel less and less like I am allowed to be me and I have to be some other person." Yes, she still was upset. But she felt stupid about it because she knew that she shouldn't be and it was just that - her selfishness - that helped glue them into this never ending cycle. She would do something stupid, Derf would comfort her, she would get hopeful, something would set them back, and then she always ended up crying again. Just like this. But this time... was going to be different, wasn't it? All she ever wanted was to know how Derf really felt. Now that he was actually telling her...? It made her want to crawl into a hole. Because as much as she liked him and cared for him and wanted to be the one that made him happy, she just wasn't. And that hurt. Derf wasn't happy and it was pretty much her fault. She couldn't make him happy. In fact, she was making her even more unhappy. Constantly. Wiping another tear away, Natalie listened to his rambling while she stared at the piano. It was rambling, yeah, but it was all true. She was slightly self destructive and they always got stuck. And yes, she was feeling guilty. And yes, there were layers. Lots of layers. And pressure. And Derf was unhappy. And it was her fault. Natalie stood up from the bench, quickly wiping tears off her cheek again. "This isn't working," she said quietly, turning to face him, forcing a smile. It was her attempt to try and look okay with it, even though she definitely wasn't. "I get it." But facing him just made her want to cry again because she had wanted to be happy with him more than anything. She had dreamed about it so much that she just thought it would eventually happen. Another set of tears stung in her eyes and Natalie averted her eyes. "Can I ask you something?" she asked, lifting her hands to rub her eyes again, her voice thick. By the way - she was going to ask him no matter what he said. She dropped her hands and looked at him, her pink rimmed blue eyes on his. "Do you even like me? Or were you just trying to make me happy?" Because yes, he cared about her, but that didn't mean that he actually wanted to be in a relationship with her. They had been friends since first year. She knew that Derf would do anything for her, possibly including trying to be in a relationship that he didn't really want to be in. __________________ January ★ Natalie ★ Evangeline ★ Pierson ★ Louise