Chapter Two
How to Use a Vending Machine
by Duncan Fletcher, Expert on All Things (Magical OR Muggle)

First off, let me tell you that I am an expert on getting what I want... from vending machines. I am also an expert at eating food. So if you need help on these two topics, which are clearly related, then you'd best pay attention and stop ogling that woman's handbag over there. She has no cash. I already checked.

Anyway, on to the subject matter. If you don't know what a vending machine is, then I'm not really sure why you're reading this book. Are you sure you aren't a troll? Vending machines are the Muggle version of leftovers, only they're fresh and already packaged and they cost more money than opening your refrigerator door and making yourself a sandwich.

So why do Muggles have vending machines? They either a) forgot to bring a lunch b) need a snack c) have an addiction to junk food d) have realized the awesomeness that is packaged food available at your fingertips or e) all of the above.

Vending machines can make the Muggles a lot of money, especially when they break and continue eating your coins without giving you your food. They can also make or break your day for the very same reason. I'm not entirely sure how/why they work (I'm not an eckeltrishan, duh) but I know enough to give you, the troll reading this book, a basic rundown.

Now if you look at the left side of the vending machine, you'll see the food choices, all labeled with a letter and a number (probably) that correspond (usually) to the keypad on the right. To get started, you must first insert your coins (see the chapter on currency about this) on the right of the vending machine. You'll see that there's a slot on the right where you put in the money, and one you've put in enough, you get to pick the button that matches up with your food choice.

MAKE SURE YOU READ THE BUTTONS CAREFULLY. Once you pick one, there is NO going back. No cheating and no using wands to trick the machine either. You'd probably just break the thing anyway. If the machine works, it'll do this thing where it spits out your food into the little tray at the bottom. I can't explain this process much more than that, cos like I said, I'm not an eceltrishan. But basically, the food is all stuck up inside this coil mabob, and the pushing of the button releases the coil mabob, so it springs forward and BAM! There's your Cheetos.

BUT, if the vending machine does NOT work, you're going to have to resort to Muggle dueling. This is where I come in, as I am both an expert Muggle AND vending machine dueler. So to duel a machine, you have a few options: a) the shoulder shove b) the krazy kick c) the old one-two d) the whiner or e) all of the above.

I'd start with the dueling in that order. First you're gonna wanna do the shoulder shove, which is pretty self-explanatory: all you have to do is ram the vending machine with your shoulder til the food shakes loose. Just do it like you're a linebacker protecting your--- oh nevermind.

If that doesn't work, move on to the krazy kick. The krazy kick is a ninja-like move which requires you to kick the krazy out of the vending machine. Be careful you don't injure your toes and/or break the glass on the vending machine during this stunt. The most effective kicks occur at the bottom of the machine, but if this also fails, you gotta try the old one-twoer.

To give someone the old 'one-two' is to punch them repeatedly, first with your left fist (one) and then with your right (two). So do that to the machine. Do NOT tuck your thumbs into your fists either, ladies. I saw you trying to bust a vending machine with your girly punch. Pathetic.

Anyway, if all this fails, do the whiner. The whiner is when you whine to whoever owns the vending machine, the office the vending machine is in, the manager of the office the vending machine is in, or the owner of the vending machine company. You might have to use a fellytone to contact these Muggles, but trust me, a lifetime supply of Chex Mix and/or your money back is worth the hassle.

Now, one way or another, you have a lighter pocket and possibly even a full stomach. That, my friends and trolls, is how to use a vending machine. See now why you should have packed your lunch? You've just used up your whole break reading this ridiculous chapter!