SPOILER!!: *clings*
Quote:
Originally Posted by
hjhm 
Okay, so he probably didn't have to ask that question. It was a bit rude but he just couldn't take it any longer. Jonathan doesn't like to get mad easily, in fact the only person who could let him do so is his father but right now, looking at her and not being to hold her and him running away is definitely frightening him as well. If Kurumi would take that step again he would definitely move into a different direction just so the gap between them would never close. He wasn't ready for it yet and even though he sometimes want to there's that tiny part of him that insists not to.
Which right now, that tiny part is winning.
The pace of his heart beat was getting faster again as she answered his undeniably selfish question. That question that somehow determines everything. He bit his lower lip and for awhile he stayed like that. His thoughts were going around, bouncing from one emotion to another and it was getting harder and complicated to suppress. He hated that feeling.
It wasn't like him.
She didn't want that and he didn't want that too but she was giving him a suggestion of them just breaking up and she expects him to still be friends? That's not fair. He didn't want to be friends. He'd end up wanting something more. That's why this is choice she has to make and Jonathan wants a clear answer. It's either him or that guy, whoever he is. Then as she continued, Jonathan tried fumbling his thumbs. it was awful that her mother was gone and now, with the way she just said that broke Jonathan even more.
I just lost my mother...don't make me lose you too...
He shook his head slowly as he starred at her. He knows that saying this would just hurt her even more.... hurt them both even more but she had to choose right? "Don't you think, with what you did to me...." he said biting his lower lip, afraid to continue it "... you already did?"
Sigh...
What does she want him to do? Just pretend this ever happened and still talk to her like it never mattered? He knew that she is tangled between him and Lewis but if she's ready to break up with him, well......................... so did he. "There is no thinking to be involved in this. If you want him, you could just so" he looked away as he swallowed of what is left of his pride.
Still squatting on the ground he waited for her response but instead of giving it to him, she asked a question that Jonathan could not even manage to answer himself. Why? He's asking himself the same question too. Maybe from the start of this conversation, trust was the first one to crumble and could never be fixed. So why? Why Jonathan? "I....." he took a rather long pause before continuing ".... don't know either" He couldn't answer it as well. He just couldn't.
Jonathan felt silent after that, he had nothing else to say at the moment even though his mind badly wants too. It wouldn't just make any sense if he did. It would just break them more. Everything right now, is up to her. Jonathan can't force her any longer to what she chooses. Jonathan may or may not be happy with it but that was just it. He could no longer do more.
Kurumi held her breath while she waited for him to respond to what she had just said. Her head was spinning in so many different directions right now and she didn't know which way was up. When she had thought about this conversation, how things would unfold...she hadn't expected it to be this hard - which was mighty selfish and naive of her. Maybe this was because, even though Jonathan had said those three words to her before, she didn't fully understand just how deep they were in meaning. Now, seeing the way Jonathan was reacting, the way his body looked broken, the way the light was gone from his eyes....she knew how much she meant to him.
How much she had meant to him.
She found a small part of herself being mad at him. Mad that he wouldn't express his emotions more obviously. Mad that he often tried to keep a poker face even when around her when it came to some things. Mad at herself for not being able to read him better. Not seeing what was all there now. What she had just destroyed.
Kurumi bit down hard on her lip and the taste of blood trickled into her mouth when he spoke and her eyes flew to his again.
... you already did...
Kurumi didn't even hear the inflection at the end that implied he was asking her. In her mind she already had. She had lost him the moment she had kissed Lewis back. It wasn't jut that he had kissed her. That was one thing. They both could point the figures at someone then, say that they took advantage of Kurumi when she was vulnerable...but that wasn't the case. Kurumi had been active in it. Wanted it. As much as it hurt her to say it to herself...she knew now looking in Jonathan's brown eyes that she had lost him.
And so...she nodded, unable to speak.
So then why was she still trying to hold on to him somehow?
Her breath was gone again at his next choice of words. There was that word again, want. What DID she want? It was something that Kurumi had asked herself over and over again since that night in the kitchen. To what she had said then...and the tears just kept flowing.
You could just say...
Only she couldn't. How could she say that she deserved to want either of them now that she saw what pain she was capable of inflicting on a person. So no, Jonathan, she couldn't just say
I want you or
I want Lewis. It wasn't black and white like that. It was a nightmare.
Her thoughts were lingering on his next answer, the why answer. For her, that could change everything. Whatever reason he had could be what convinced her that the decision she had made now wasn't right. That she needed to reevaluate everything. Only...the answer he gave broke what bits of her heart were still intact. He didn't know. This was it then...they both were just afraid of letting go. Kurumi was petrified of the idea, letting the boy who had forever changed her potentially walk out of her life forever. She didn't want to lose him. Couldn't. But what choice was there? "
Jonathan...." she whimpered, her hands forming tight fists while she sucked on her bottom lip that was still bleeding slightly.
"
Jonathan...." she whispered again, still not completing her sentence.
They could never go back to the way they had been before. Never forget this no matter how hard they both tried or wanted. Never have the trust that he had in her restored. It was just....
gone.
This wasn't something she necessarily wanted. She didn't want to hurt Jonathan. Didn't want to crush him. But the reality was that she had and it would be naive and selfish of her to pretend that she didn't. This was the only way she was sure that she would never hurt him again. She couldn't give him all of her...and he deserved better than that. He deserve so much better...
"
Jonathan....you will never stop being important to me..." she began, realizing just how cruel her words were to him, to herself, to them. "
...but...I...I can't be her. I'm...I'm not the right one...the one you need... We...we can't...do this...anymore..."
Because without trust...there was no 'we'.